To my knowledge, Chris is at a retreat. So, I thought I'd start the new thread myself.

How are we all doing? I am an all-or-nothing gal, so my week of barely eating anything was punctuated by a big-*** binge last night. I feel like I will never get this. Actually, it's not a matter of feeling like I will never get it. I feel like I'm just too f-ing lazy to do it. I know how to eat, I just need to DO it. I know how to exercise, I just need to DO it. I feel like I use my eating disorder as an excuse for not taking care of myself.

The other day I was almost wishing that I had diabetes or heart problems because I would take them more seriously and might actually take care of myself. How sick is THAT?

I hope everyone is doing well. Post even if you're not. I don't want this board to die!

Hey girls, how is everyone doing?? I hope you guys are doing well, this has been a weird week for the board. My week went well, though I had to work Saturday, I have nothing to complain about. After work saturday I went with a couple of my coworkers to Buddy's BBQ and had a light lunch. One of our coworkers is leaving Wednesday for Maine, so it was kinda like a last get together. I was very amazed at myself for actually going and ORDERING something! I literally made myself go and behold, I had a great time. I ordered a little salad which I picked at, but for me, that's a huge step to eat in front of someone. I struggle everyday still, but I find that if I take time and rationalize about what I am feeling, I do so much better. ODAT, and that's all I have to say about that!
Jennette, I know how you feel about the eating disorder excuse for not taking care of yourself. I believe I do that too, but I mostly do it because of who I am as a person. LOL Your not sick for thinking that! I've wished sometimes if I could have a life threatening disease, just so I wouldn't have to punish myself intentionally. Those were the bad days, and sometimes I think that if I have alot of time to myself. My mind begans to wander and I really think outside of the box, which is not good for me.
I'm just trying to live day by day and worry less about the future. It will come eventually and I'll deal with then.
Tracy, Christy, Michelle, Anna, CeeJay, Skippy, Linoleum, Chris, Sandy===> Are you guys ok??? I'm thinking about you all!!
God Bless
Vanessa

Hi gals, thanks Jennelle for starting the thread. Hi Vanessa!! I was out of town this weekend, went to my parents and then we all went to a music festival my brother was performing at - very hippie kind of event. My mother said it reminded her of the sixties - but it just reminded me of college (I graduated in 1994). My dad asked my brother where the Bush/Cheney table was. We saw a few good groups, including my brother's, and the kids had fun. But it was a lot of driving.

Jennelle, I understand what you're thinking. I'm all into ragging on my DH for not exercising, since that's something I've grown to enjoy, but my eating is so awful, there's really no reason to think I'm any healthier than he is. I pulled out my Dr. Phil and Geneen Roth books again. Part of it was this weekend - the hippies may have been a little stinky, and they may have talked funny (the parking attendant told my dad he was a "beautiful person" for having singles to pay with), but each and every one of them danced like they were comfortable in their skin, and they radiated some kind of beauty and peace. I wonder if I still have my old Dead bootleg tapes.

Ya'll try to have a good day - I'm on to my workout and then going to the store. HP help me there. I'm going to start in the produce!!!

Jenelle was right on. I went to the retreat this weekend. It was wonderful. I have cried, cried, cried and cried some more. I got honest about some things, including some really, really dark things.

Wonderful things said this weekend (for me):
"I've had my share"- I can pass by my trigger foods, or guilt foods because in truth I have had my share or even more than my share.

"Welcome to OA, welcome home"- I recieved alot of unconditional love this weekend from strangers and people I have been hiding out from this weekend.

"My immaturity leads me to believe that I should be happy all the time"-God is with us in the good times and the bad.

"If you had my life you would eat too"- thats the victim and the FEAR is me talking.

"When I act that is a power greater than myself"- sitting still in the disease is what my self-will wants to do.

Now I ran out of time and I need to shower, but I think you all have said the truth Vanessa, Tracy, and Jenelle. It is so little about the future and just ODAT.

Chris

{{{{{{{{{{Chris!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm so glad you're back! I know the retreat came at just the right time for you. I'm glad you heard lots of wise words.

Chris, your back! "jumps in the air and clicks feet" I'm so happy you went and discovered alot of cool things! Sometimes it's good to cry and realize what is really in front of us. And sometimes we just have to be really honest with ourselves on what our problems are and quit telling ourselves that's we're "ok" when we are not. I'm super happy for you sista! ODAT and not a moment more!
Tracy-Totally cool concert!! I LMAO when your talked about your dad being beautiful for having singles!! I read a great quote the other day.. "We shouldn't strive to make ourselves look like we just began when we are at the end". Basically we shouldn't compare ourselves to models or strive to make ourselves look perfect.. The wrinkles, scars, blemishes, pimples, cellulite, all the imperfections we have show who we ARE, and what we've been through. It shows love, dedication, determinism, hope, hate, despite, fear, heartache, will power, etc. It shows how far we have came in our life and all the beauty we have aquired throughout the years
Hey to Jennelle, how's it going!!! Feeling better? Hey to Christy, Sandy, Anna, Ceejay, Skippy, Linoleum, Michelle.. Much love to all of you!!
God Bless
Vanessa

I am home sick today - have a horrible headache.

Chris, glad you're back! I look forward to going to a retreat some day.

I'll be back tomorrow with a more meaty post.

Okay...I had such a revelation today. Actually, it should be more of a "No s**t, Sherlock!" moment...

I do better with a plan.

Excuse me while I bang my head against the wall...

Jenelle- Me too I also do better if I take the day as it comes instead of full of my own little plans and manipulations. But hey, ODAT!

Kat-If you guys will note Kat has become the co-mod on the forum. We need her long term abstinence and consistency. I am not willing to give up so for now we will co-moderate. If things change we will keep ya'll updated. I think this forum is important for talking and sharing. Especially among all the diets of the world. I know when I sometimes lurk on the other forums I think "We'll maybe thats the answer". My answer is in the steps, honesty, and surrender to a power greater than me.

Vanessa- Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your words are like little hugs to me, and my tears are my way back.

Tracy- How are you and DH today?

Disappointments? I thought next week I would be going to dayshift. Instead I am going to work a 5 day stretch of nights. But thats not today and I will cross that when I come knowing being on nights contributes to my flakiness.

I also am not taking a trip I had planned for this week. The timing in this life just isn't right. So a little sad, but I have so many blessings it can over shadow that small thing.

My joy? After tonight I am off for 7 days. We will see if I am checking in day or night? My internet time is somewhat limited by the fact that it has been a trigger for me. I am trying to stay around 1 hour a day

XOXOX
Chris

Chris ~ Wooooo! 7 days off in a row! I know what you mean about the Internet being triggering.

Kat ~ a big WELCOME! to our new co-mod

Everyone else...hey

Hi everyone. I'm okay - not eating well. My motivation is down. It seems too hard to even try. Could have something to do with my period, I know. Computer time is a trigger for me, too - my computer is in my kitchen. And I don't get much time to myself, so I usually have my meals in front of it.

Thanks to Kat for moderating!! I hope you're feeling better today.

Chris - DH and I are doing better overall. He was a real ******* a few days ago, but he knew it and came home with roses yesterday. So that's progress! And I'm not constantly dreaming about where I'd rather be.

So, Jennelle - what kind of plan works for you? Do you mean meal planning, or a particular food program? I think I need one of those, too.

Love you all!

Tracy...right now my plan is just to journal every calorie I eat. I'm also concentrating on getting my veggies in, because that's a weakness for me. (I like veggies, I just don't eat a lot of them.) The journaling helps keep me on track. It's real easy to just keep on eating if I don't have some personal accountability of some sort.

It's only been three days. Ask me again in a week.

I wanted to check in yesterday but yesterday was meant for playing Bookwork and sleeping. I am not done with my game of Bookworm and I am over 1.4-M points. Hmmm could I have some compulsive tendencies I slept from 8-12 yesterday and then 1900-0500 this morning.

I am mourning a little this morning because I will not be taking the trip that I planned. There will be an empty seat on a pre-paid flight and an empty room on the East Coast tonight. I love to travel, but I have to believe this is the right thing. God? Well I couldn't find my driver's licence until I decided not to go.

Veggies are a God thing for me Jenelle. I like veggies, but I won't eat them because of my self destructive tendencies. My food wasn't very clean yesterday when I did eat (I think my tendency was to restrict because it wasn't very clean the day before either). But instead of giving into my binge urges last night I had to admit I was hungry. I walked into the kitchen and made a PB&J ONE PB&J! I have never eaten just one in my life, but I said a little prayer first. God I trust you that one will make me full and make me feel satisfied, thy will be done. One was enough.

Tracy those husbands are a tricky thing. My DH was actually happy to see my tears and in them has shown me alot of love and compassion. I have given him the truth in my fear. Relationships are another ODAT thing. Including our kiddos too! Take gentle care of you Tracy and all that you love.

Where is everyone? Kat you feeling better? Check in people!
Chris

Well, hi ladies. Still eating enough for three. It's the Halloween candy. I need to buy only the crap I don't care for, like Toffee and suckers and gum.

I'm trying to do some things around the house today, like find Cheerios wherever they may be and reorganize the kids' dresser. And I'll play my CDs while the kids color, stuff like that. Try to do productive things to boost my self-esteem and keep my mind off of the sweets.

I'm sorry about your trip, Chris, but hopefully you'll be able to enjoy it more when you get the chance to do it again.

Take care, everyone!

I am happy to co-mod with Chris. I am very glad to be able to give this service - not only does it make me feel good to be here for others but it's another tool for me to keep my abstinence.

I am still sick, but went to work today. Reading actually tires me out. But this feels like the last real day of this cold, so that's good.

If any of you have an issue with the board, need to chat, etc... please feel free to PM me any time!