Good Morning!

For those of us with a more traditional view of HP today is Good Friday, and on Sunday Easter will be celebrated. Once again I am baffled at the eating fest that will ensue. Even when I look at pictures of the last supper I can't imagine Jesus or one of his disciples pushing back from the table and going, "Well someone better come clear this off because I can't walk now." The joy it seems to me is in the specialness of the ocassion and that a meal was shared together, that gratitude for this moment is given. So thats something I really am going to work on this weekend is living in the moment and feeling grateful for the people around me. I want to truly be choosing relationships over food.

So I thought that maybe the topic for today could be times when we have chosen food to block out our feelings, the moment, or to just block away the world.

My experience has been automatic when the world or my feelings seem to be too big I just reach for an addictive substance wether it be food or cigarettes or whatever. A gallon of ice cream and the brain shuts down and now I can concentrate on my disease, feed it and the guilt. When the numbness is on and the guilt is so big than all my other feelings and problems melt away in obsession. I will try to think of some specific examples over the weekend. But this is an excellent reminder that I am powerless, that my life is unmanageable, and I try to use food to cope instead of living.

Okay I started, I laid it on the line. Give me you ESH or update us with your day. My plans are to hang out with a friend this afternoon and hit a meeting tonight

Love ya'll (including Ellis who never checks in anymore!)
Miss Chris

You get right to tough subjects don't you!

Sometimes the first thing that comes to mind is what really needs to be said but we manage to hedge it, so here goes girls. For years I despised my husband but I do not believe in divorce and the more I prayed about our marriage the worse it got. When the marriage started improving I woke up to the fact that I weighed 270 lbs. I had been hiding my unhappiness by eating what I wanted when I wanted rather than deal with the problem of not wanting to come home at all. We have been married for 36 years on April 12 of this year and the first seventeen years was physical abuse and then the emotional abuse continued on after that. My not believing in divorce was really my fear of trying to make it on my own with kids as anyone who has been abused knows we are totally incompetent or so we are told. When I started waking up I realized that I hated him and that made the eating worse. Well, he has made major strides so we are actually learning to love each other in a healthy way now. I cannot honestly say that I am glad I stayed because I don't know how my life would have been different. Now I suffer from fibromyalgia and there are some studies that are suggesting FMS has an underlying factor of abuse. We will see. I did what I had to do to get through that era in my life and now I have to do what it takes to deal with the aftermath. I am so thankful that neither of my boys learned that behavior from their dad, in fact when my youngest son got big enough he put a halt to it. I still have to deal with the fear of being hit again because sometimes he will say something with that tone and I fear it will go further, however, I am stronger now and he knows I will leave.

How is everyone's day going? Hope more of you check in so we can keep this going. I think the more support we have in overcoming the better chance we have of succeeding.

I promise to touch on this subject this weekend but right now I'm too zonked to type. Off to bed. But wanted to say hi.

Wow, Bunna. I wish this were a real one, but a cyber hug will have to do!

I've been thinking about this lately - it's very selfish, but I eat to numb my disappointment in how different my life is from what I imagined. I was very much an underachiever in college - now I see how I wasted that opportunity. And although I do love my husband, he and I see the world very differently and I'm sure he was not the best match for me. But we have two lovely kids now, so there's no turning back, even if I believed in that, which I really don't. I would never hurt him. I'm just disappointed in myself for being afraid to live my life the way I could have. There are lots of conflicting emotions surrounding my kids, my DH, myself. That's what I'm numbing. Add to that the crush I have on a man who WOULD have been more my type, and the ensuing feelings of guilt, blah blah blah. It's admittedly more than I want to think about, so I eat it. I really don't know how to deal with it in a healthy way. I'm hoping the Geneen Roth books will help - but if anyone has any suggestions, I'm open to them!!

Crap. Makes me wanna find the Easter candy. Or the beer.

But thanks, Chris!

Chris, you kill me.
Sorry, darling. I AM here. I'm still really having med troubles, and I can't get my head around all of your posts. Seriously, it's all I can do right now to get to the gym six days a week. My psychiatrist has actually added Topomax to my Effexor with the hopes that it'll give me the final boost I'm not getting on the Effexor alone. Otherwise, I'll have to try something else. Again. I'm really hoping this works, and that I'll reap the benefits of the appetite suppressant with the Topomax. This week I'm on the lowest possible dose (checking for side effects), and we'll gradually up it to see if it works.

Bunna, what a sad story. My dear, you are a VERY strong woman.
Have the two of you ever gone for counceling?
You must be a wonderful mother to have raised two such fine boys in such a difficult situation. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Hello, Kat!
And Jennelle, Tracy, Holly, Odile (welcome!), Angi, Katrina, Sarah, CeeJay...

love and hugs to all...

Tracy, we posted together! I'll be keeping you in my prayers, too, girl! Hang in there... stay strong.

hello. this comment just sort of struck me, as a matter of fact i was just writing something similar in my journal this morning. i have this feeling that everything in my life = food. good, bad, or ugly it all has a comforting side dish. i am searching for a way to find my comfort inside ME and in my friends and family and not in what we eat together. is this possible? i was raised around good party's with great food. we celebrate everything with food!! every great occasion has a good food associated with it.

last night we celebrated my ds 9th bday with his friends we ordered pizza, i looked forward to that pizza all day!! (i havent had pizza in months) i actually got very upset because the pizza didn't have the gloopy xtra cheese i ordered on it. it didn't taste good to me but that did not stop me i still ate 2 pieces. i have some real issues if i get mad over missing xtra cheese even i can see that. i am embarassed to admit that, but i am trying to find my way somewhere so i had to tell someone.

hope you don't mind me just jumping in here.

Jodi, jump in anytime! You're very welcome here.
I can completely relate to what you said. It's not uncommon for me to become quite sullen if the food I'm getting isn't up to my expectations. In the past, I've thrown a fit if DH has left out an ingredient on my burger, etc. There's DEFINITELY something wrong!
As for finding comfort in something other than food... I'm still searching, too!

Hi all...

I could write a novel on this subject. I will come back later to do so.

I overslept this morning so I missed my meeting But now I can spend more time doting on my DH and my DS (he got home last night from Minn. and I swear he has grown another inch!) Then I read ya'lls response. Thank you!

My plans for today is to spend time with my family and extended family.

Welcome Jodi! I have found that since I have become abstinent that foods that use to comfort me or their franken food counterparts(since I strive to be sugar free) are really disappointing and just the knowledge that I am eating my feelings instead of expressing them makes it all more shallow. They say once you identify your ED, name it, and claim it, you can never abuse food the same again.

(((((((((((Ellis))))))))))))))) I am sorry for killing you You need to drop by for extra prayers to figure out your meds and PUT DOWN THE BRIDGE MIX I love you girl!!!!!!!

Tracy- Its easy to walk down the What if Road, but one gift our higher power keeps giving us in the next new moment and the choice to live it happily

Bunna- Your a strong beautiful woman and you have mae it so far. I often say that the one thing I am glad about my marriage is that I stayed through the hard times so we can have the good time. I just want to hug you and tell you are so not alone! (((((((((((((Bunna))))))))))))))))

I was talking this morning to my FP sponsor and I the time I started using was between 9 and 11. All those missed out feelings, maybe this is the reason I understand teenage angst I am finally getting there.

Keep sharing, it gets easier!
Love ya'll!
Miss Chris

Thanks for the everyone.

It is so pretty here today the sun is shining, the cats are lazing in the windows and yard. Everyone is gone and I have the house to myself for a little while. I love that.

Had my morning and am getting ready to leave for work. We are closed for Easter so that is family day beginning with church then family dinner. I will be dodging Easter baskets tomorrow for sure. UGH!!!

All have a wonderful day today and I am praying for each of us to have peaceful day filled with good thoughts.

Talk to you later.

Food was always there for me. Food didn't tell me I was ugly. (Do you know my mom ACTUALLY said to me once, "You may grow up to be pretty, but you will never be beautiful." She also told me that I was "pretty in my own way." What the f&*^ does THAT mean?) Food didn't tell me that I was disappointing. Food didn't scream at me. Food didn't tell me I was selfish. Food kept me from being desperately lonely. Food kept me in bad situations longer than any sane person would have endured.

And, at certain points along the way, food was my way of asserting my independence. I could control food. I didn't have to eat it, and I had the "power" to not eat - ever.

Oh, Jennelle. That is HORRIBLE. How could a mother say those things!? I haven't even seen you, but I KNOW that you're beautiful.

Thanks! It is great to be surrounded by such beautiful women who share both their ups and downs.

Hi Jodi!

Food only would comfort me initially. By the time I was done eating I felt like crap again. My feelings would numb for a bit but not for long. All my COE truly did was make me hate myself.

DH is in Vegas with friends until tomorrow. I hung out with a friend yesterday who has a 6 month old (hello biological clock!). Today I am having dinner with a work friend. And this morning was my favorite read a book and hang out at my local diner time.

DH is starting a new job next week as a Director's Assistant. We are both so psyched. His current job looks like it is (the company) going under because everyone recently received pay cuts. And were all given more work. Plus the new job will be with friends and will be a great opportunity. So we're very happy.

Have a good day!

Ellis - thanks That really meant a lot.

I spent an hour on the phone with my sponsor this afternoon. I was really having a tough day. I'm dredging up some stuff in doing the 4th step, and it's really no fun. All this time I thought I had moved beyond some of the things that have happened to me, but I guess I haven't. It's no wonder I COE. So, for today, I'm trying to take it one minute at a time.