Hello everyone...

I am here because I have fallen to the disgrace of an ugly monster and I'm finding it a enormous challange to figure out how to deal with it. I have come to the understanding that I am bulimic. I binge and binge....and then when I think about all the I have eaten...I get disgusted and I make myself hurl. This has been happening off and on for more than 7 months, and just recently it has been out of control.

I'm 5'7" and weigh 120 pounds (but thats scale....and in my eyes, I would like to see the flub turn into muscle) Over the last 3 years, I have lost 25 pounds and I did it in a very healthy way. But I just experienced a horrible breakup and I have become so depressed. And nothing is worse than seeing your ex with his new g/f when you've put weight back on. I eat roughly 4000 calories a day....and lately I have become so tired of making myself puke that I have deffinately put weight back on, since I cannot make myself expell the calories. But I still eat and eat and eat....and it's so frustrating. I cry everyday because every morning I tell myself that this will be the day that I change it for the better, but something usually triggers an eating attack. I worked so hard to get my weight off, and it was so easy, but it is now SO DIFFICULT for me to eat good and excercise every day like i used to. I eat fries, pastries, doughnuts, cookies, bread, pizza....you name it thats fattening and high in sugar...and it's usually been in my mouth.

Anyways....I'm looking for help....I'm looking for someone who will help me on a daily basis. I need a partner who has been/if not still is...just as frustrated and disgusted as I am. Becuase...I am sick of looking in the mirror and seeing something so hideous, yet I know is beautiful...

Aspen19

Hi.

I've totally been where you are.

Go to www.oa12step4coes.org for immediate insight.

Keep coming back. We love you here!

Aspen, please keep coming back. We're here for you, sweetie.

Hi Aspen - we've all felt what you're feeling to some degree. Please hang out with us, explore the OA info. I'm new at this myself, but have already found it helpful.

(((Hug!)))

I have been exactly where you are and the desperation seems almost too much. These ladies have great suggestions and please join us in the daily thread!

Miss Chris

Aspen

Welcome! Please stay.

Thank you all so much for replying to my message. It always is good to know that there are others out there that are dealing with the same frustrating life situations.

Today was an alright day. I still ate quite a bit, but I had to restrict myself since I was around people all day. And because of this, I didn't purge, which is good. But to be honest, because I didn't, I kinda felt crappy earlier; now though, I feel pretty good.

I wanted to post a quick responce. Tomarrow, I will be heading out of town on vacation for a week, and I don't know if I'll be around internet connections. If I can make it to a public library, I will check in with you all and let you know how things have been going.

Thank you for caring.
Love, Aspen19

Hello everyone....

I'm back from my very nice vacation. It was a good time, and helped me relieve some of my stress. I'm still looking forward to getting to know you lady's better as you help me concur my overeating.

while i was on vacation, i had a hard time not over eating. i really thought that i would be able to control my emotions towards food since i would be around friends that i dont see that often. i pretty much overate and every meal, except that i had no place to run and vomit. so, atleast that didn't happen this past week....but the emotions towards food are still really strong...uuuggghhhh....so frustrating....o'well...i'll chat with you all later

aspen19

I am so glad you are reaching out for help. There is nothing for us in the pit of despair except more despair and anxiety and therefore, more punishing behavior.

Hi, I am new here too. I also have an eating disorder. I want to caution you against purging -- it can kill you for real. And in a very yucky painful way. Who wants to die hanging over a toilet?

As for how to control binge eating, I've found that a high (really high) protein diet helps. Like 60-80 grams a day. Protein keeps you full longer and more readily. Also, be careful of diet products like the no-fat or no-sugar or even low-fat variety. These may cause binging because they do not leave you satisfied. So you end up eating more and more.

Exercise, also, is a fabulous appetite curber. And it makes you feel good, too. A brisk walk -- force yourself to do it. Create a routine that involves exercise.

Drink 8 glasses of water a day. Consume enough (filling) fiber. Calcium will help nerves. So will Vitamin B6. I would take more than the FDA recommended amount, maybe twice the Ca and B5 three times a day. I've also had good results with Inositol (I think it is another B vitamin.) I find that Gingko absolutely clears my head and thus helps with everything. Make sure you are taking a multi vitamin-mineral in addition to any specific supplements, because if your nutritional needs are not being met, you will crave foods enough to make you binge.

Set daily schedules for yourself. You can even set them in three hour intervals, so they do not seem so overwhelming you just can't start. Anytime this happens (you give up) cut your goal in half. Most of us expect too much of ourselves. I have a hard time with this aspect, myself. I have plenty of disorganized time. It takes all my energy just to get out of bed sometimes. (Depression!) But when I force myself to do something, like wash the dishes, scrub the floor, take a walk, return phone calls, (write to-do lists) I find these tasks are not the horribly hard tasks I am imagining. Once I wash a dish, or begin a project, I become involved. It helps me very very much to organize my time and goals ahead of time -- the night before, or in the morning (or afternoon) of that day. Sometimes I can only manage a little goal. But even accomplishing that helps me.

The other quick thought that comes to my mind -- keep binge food out of your house. I know it's hard -- you think, I can just buy more. That's part of the disorder... the shopping! (Don't shop! Or bring a friend with you.) I end up throwing out foods I've bought that I have or will binge on. I feel bad wasting food, but binging is wasting food too and unhealthy. It's better for my health and sanity to get it out of my apartment. Yes, I've spent money, wasted food. But I am trying. Just keep trying. Don't give up. Keep starting over again. And don't beat yourself up. It won't help! Honest.
take good care,
Josie

P.S. Do NOT restrict. If you starve yourself in any way, it will lead to binging. It helps to plan meals ahead of time, home-cooked is good, because it engages you in the making and you appreciate the food more. I've heard that 4-6 small meals are recommended to alleviate dips in blood sugar. Or three meals and two snacks. Always eat breakfast -- skipping can lead to binging later.
Josie