and I don't!

I've been married to a wonderful man for 15 years. He is the naturally skinny type and it always somewhat bothered me to see him eat large portions of food or snacking on chocolate, knowing I do the same but I am fat, and he is not! I sometimes even referred to it as unfair, those genes etc.

It is not until recently I finally admitted to myself that even though he would sometimes eat large portions of food, and he would never skip a birthday cake, (oh, the number of birthday parties I didn't enjoy because I was "dieting" ) there are few things he naturally does and in long term, that's probably keeping him skinny - or lets say, naturally good looking.

For starters, he seems to naturally compensate for food he has consumed. If we go to a party and he eatls a lot there, he doesn't feel like having a large meal when we come home, or even the following day. Me, on the other hand - it seems like I'm in habbit of eating when we come home, no matter if I have already eaten - I want my snack and I want my dinner...and the next day? It seems like there is no connection between what I ate yesterday and what I want today.

He also always takes time to eat in peace. Even with four kids! I eat running around, sometimes I have my entire breakfast at the kitchen counter while preparing the meals for kids. He would never do that. He prepares their food, and then his food, sits down and does not get up until he is finished.

On the connected note, he never eats things outr of a box, and does not sneak food while making a meal. I tend to actually eat a lot while I am preparing the meal. Then I would sit down and have a same meal as he does - igorning the fact that I have already consumed perhaps half of the calories by sneaking in food during cooking.

Ocassionaly, he comes home and say he doesn't want diner because he is not feeling hungry. There is something wrong in my relationship with food, because I always WANT food, even if I don't feel physically hungry.

So there it is, right in front of my eyes, for all those years, I have witnessed what a healthy relationship with food looks like...enjoying occassional treats but otherwise living healthy. I really hope the opening eyes moment I just had will help me to correct what's wrong - what has been wrong for all my life, in the way I treat food.

Excellent post. I say it's excellent only because I can remember the exact same thoughts going through my head right before I embarked on intuitive eating. I am surrounded by what I call "normal eaters" like your husband. Almost all the people in my life are normal eaters with an only a handful who suffer with dieting and weight issues.

Ultimately I made the decision that instead of dieting and losing weight I would become a "normal eater" and that's exactly what intuitive eating has done for me. I too now skip a meal if I'm not hungry, I too compensate for a big meal, I do not get swayed by passing snacks or while cooking (although if I do eat while I cook I'm not hungry by the time I sit to eat and therefore do not eat.) and I also practice mindful eating (the practice of enjoying a meal without distraction.)

Although my eating disorder still has a hold on me from time to time and causes me to reach for food when I'm feeling especially anxious and/or angry my day to day life is unrecognizeable from how it used to be. I feel... like a normal eater, no longer governed by my compulsive need to eat.

THIS! My girlfriend is what I have referred to as "naturally skinny" as well. She always hovers around 125-135 lbs seemingly effortlessly, all while eating pizza, ice cream, bowls of sugary cereal, and indulging in treats on a regular basis.

The truth of the matter is that despite her apparent indulgences, she often eats fewer calories than me on a daily basis. It seems that the bulk of her food intake is a light lunch and a large dinner, while I'll space my paltry 1200 calories out over 3 meals. This makes it seem as though I hardly eat anything in comparison, but if she eats a hefty 900 calorie dinner, and maybe a 250 calorie slice of pizza for lunch, she is still eating less than me!

It probably helps that she has the bad habit of having a cigarette for breakfast, which I know helps to suppress her appetite for a few hours. I don't encourage her smoking, but I do get a little envious that she has a natural appetite suppressant always at hand.

Also, she is prone to not eating everything on her plate. She can order a sandwich at a restaurant and only eat half, not even tempted to touch the other half. I've adopted this habit from her, and now we often share food when we go out so that we save money. One of the great benefits of a lesbian relationship

I used to have that healthy relationship...then I went to nursing school, had a baby, finished my bachelors and was working full time. Food became comfort, and then it just became crazy when I wouldn't get to eat 12 hours at my very hectic job. Switching jobs, even though I loved trauma gave me the work life balance to work on getting it back.
We just get busy, and we put ourselves last as moms and our many other roles. I think when we make ourselves a priority...then as the relationship with ourselves heals, so does our habits and other things.
We deserve this healthy happy life!

For me, the problem isn't so much understanding that thin folks often act and think differently than I do, it's the fustration knowing that most of these differences I cannot make my own.

I think many of the differences are genetic, and therefore difficult, if not impossible to alter much. So, instead of trying to think and live like a naturally thin person, I can only find my own way instead.

I may never habitually "forget to eat," but I can plan ahead, and eat only what I plan.

I may never find it impossible to sit still, or want to run for fun, but I can plan exercise into my day.

I may never be able to naturally control portions of certain foods, but I can avoid those foods or change the way I eat them.

I may never be able to throw away my bathroom or kitchen scales or allow hunger to guide my eating, but there are other paths to control.

By my family history (the only obese child and by far the largest adult by well over 100 lbs in my adoptive family) I suspect I have a genetic predisposition towards obesity, and may never be naturally thin.

But that's ok, because I can find ways of circumventing my nature.

I've tried for decades, mostly unsuccessfully to adopt the habits of naturally slim people. My goal nowadays isn't to become a naturally thin person, it's to stop being a naturally fat one (naturally fat in the current cultural food environment, at least).

Most of my successes have been very unnatural, but what doesn't come naturally, I have to work at, but that's life. I have other natural gifts. I have naturally thin and athletic siblings who had to study very hard for decent grades in school. I barely had to do more than read the textbook to get excellent grades in school, college, and graduate school.

Natural is overrated, it's what you've had to work for that you tend to value most.

This.

Thanks for the replies, it's interesting to read through your experiences. It seems, not surprisingly, that we're all different and we all have our own reasons for weight struggles.

For me, I have apparently had this problem all my life. I was a fat kid, fat teenager and now I'm a fat adult. I know for certain some of it is down to bad eating habits I brought from my family. Some bad habit I developed myself. It was a good, honest moment for me to realize that all the little things I do add up in long term.

I know my obesity is not genetic. Nor it is impossible for me to lose weight. I just don't want to DIET anymore. I am done dieting. I've been dieting ever since I remember - on and off. I need a new, healthy me, I nedd healthy, sustainable life style, new eating habbits, I need all this to become a natural part of me. Otherwise my efforts are doomed and although I may still lose, I know I will gain it all back (plus some more).

And observing the people around me has helped me to realize that.

Again, this is me. You all may have different struggles and different, unique ways of solving them. I hope we can all eventually comment on each other's posts in the GOAL section

I don't believe there is any such thing as "naturally" skinny or much of a genetic component to weight. It's all habits.

I'm the ONLY member of my family (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) who is not clinically obese. When I first started putting on weight as a teenager, my mother's response was that this was "natural". It was genetic. ALL the women in our family are "just big".

Well, all the women in our family are also TV-obsessed, love big cups full of sugary drinks, think every meal should include desert, and believe a healthy vegetable option for a family meal is broccoli with cheese sauce, fried squash, or green bean casserole made with creamy soup.

On the other hand, one of my best friends is someone you'd call "naturally skinny". She drinks sugary soda, regular beer, and eats chocolate and pastries a few times a week. She also walks over two miles to and from work each day and only eats 2-3 small meals a day, with no snacks.

My family is fat because they consume too many calories for their activity level - bad habits. My friend is skinny because she eats a reasonable number of calories and is more active.

By the way, when I did lose weight, my mom who had told me that my weight gain was natural and genetic... told me the reason I was skinny now was because I "always took after the other side of the family". Apparently my genetics changed! HA!

What I really did was increase my activity and unlearn all the BAD nutrition ideas and habits that my family taught me growing up. I learned what foods are actually good for you and what a portion of something should really look like.

I got new ideas, and new habits, and as strange as it may sound my taste buds actually changed over time. I became more sensitive to salty and sweet flavors, so now stuff that used to appeal to me often tastes too strong, while food I would have once turned my nose up at (like steamed broccoli without butter) has natural flavors that I find I really like.

Again I recognize this as my own starting point with intuitive eating. It was a little over a year ago that I made a similar declaration of my own. There came a moment when I was DONE with diets. Not only because they were poised to fail but because each diet brought on new and more complex problems to my already long list of dysfunctional behaviors. For example, I never had a sweet tooth all my life. Well at some point I internalized the hype that sugar is evil, sugar is the cause of all obesity blah blah blah. So I jumped on an anti sugar band wagon, internalized the message that if I eat sugar I was being "bad" and then guess what.... within a year I was a full blown sugar 'addict." I'm not saying eating too much sugar doesn't have negative effects on ones health but that the process of villainizing a food brought on intense desires for that food that ultimately became destructive.

It was then that I realized that food was not the problem, it was my behavior around food that was the problem. By focusing on my behavior and getting in touch with my physical, mental and emotional needs I have put food in its proper place.

Ironically, the more I tried to control my food, calories, exercise, and cravings the more out of control my behavior became. The slow process of releasing control has decreased my irrational behavior around food.

This is really interesting to me cause my family is pretty split when it comes to weight... We have super skinnies and those who tend to chub. In Evey generation of women in fact there is always a set of sisters where one is slim and the other plump. That was me and my sister... And then, my mom was the plump while my aunt is slim. My maternal grandmother is plump... Her sister? Slim! I thought it was just genetics. My sister and I were raised the same way, we were made to finish our plates when we were younger, etc. But then I also remembered, I used to be a slim kid too. When we ate the same habits, healthy habits wgen y parents were in charge of my eating and I got exercise... I was slim. When I had control of my own eating? I got more chubby.

My sister enjoys plenty of candy, cakes and coke... My mom always conplains she is gonna get fat one day but I don't think so (it could be becausey mother had an eating disorder, ruined her metabolism and gained a lot of weight from it). She walks and busses most places... And even though she indulges from time to time, she never over eats. She stops when full, takes just enough, etc. Things I never did. She does eat super fast though, don't know if that means anything.

I am just personally super Ignorant. I don't have any severe or strong emotional eating problems...But portion size I just never got. For years I ate as much as my husband then boyfriend... And he's a tall man three years older than me!! In what universe would we ever require the same amount of food?!?

Palestrina, what you are saying really rings a bell here. I will have to look up intuitive eating, because it seems like something I want to do. I want to put my body in balance, I want to eat healthy, tasty, enjoyable meals that give me all the nutrition I need.

One interesting - somewhat unrelated - note. For the first time in my life, I stopped eating meat (this being the Lent season I wanted to give up something, and Roman Catholic tradition is strong here, so I gave up meat.

And I used to eat A LOT of meat.

Interestingly enough, I do not miss it at all. I find myself eating much more fish and vegetable, much less bread, and my sugar cravings have reduced dramatically. I would never expect that but I am now planning to remain meat-free for some time, as it obviously does me good.

IE has really helped me and I suggest it for you because the very first principle of IE is to reject the diet mentality. Unfortunately rejecting the dieting mentality is not as simple as it sounds because the media and our culture are permeated with diet propaganda so I hope you will reach out to some of the resources here and on the official IE site that can help. Here is a basic list of the IE principles https://www.intuitiveeating.com/cont...tuitive-eating and I can suggest a few books that had an impact on me including:

The Overfed Head
Overcoming Overeating
Intuitive Eating
Thin side out: How to Have your Cake and your skinny Jeans too
Eating in the Light of the Moon

All of these books stirred some major revelations as well as give me solid guidance into the intuitive path.

Ronja, I could have written your post because my husband sounds exactly the same as yours. If he is not hungry, he will not eat. I have seen him leave one bite of something scrumptious on his plate because he had had enough of it. Me? I would naturally clean my plate regardless of whether I was hungry or not.

I agree with kaplods' point about genetics and strategies to deal with the hand we're dealt. By "genetics," though, my anecdotal observation is that the main genetic component is some sort of internal "hunger" barometer. "Naturally" thin people are more in tune with their hunger/fullness signals and just don't seem to have the same desire for food that I have. I think of this when I observe my two dogs (one now deceased): One was a beagle we've had since he was a puppy. He LOVED to eat. If left to his own devices (e.g., say, I accidently left an open bag of food in his vicinity), he would eat 'til he drops. The other dog is a mutt that we've had since he was about 1 1/2 y.o. He regularly leaves a bit of food in his dish and has been known to not eat altogether. We had him for 13 years now, and he is within a couple of pounds of his original weight (he was not nourished properly when we got him). When I observed my two dogs, I realize that the main difference is that one LOVES to eat more than the other. My beagle stayed a pretty healthy weight because of our efforts; the mutt would have stayed a healthy weight regardless of our efforts because he seems to have some internal control that regulates his desire for food.

I have come to view my lack of intuitive regulation as something I just have to deal with. This is the same that would happen to someone who, for example, has a problem budgeting; that person might go to some sort of credit counselor and be given some strategies to help him or her budget. I have to use strategies to help me regulate my eating. I was using calorie counting, but that made me obsessive with food. Now, I'm doing a simplified version of the NoS diet (no snacks, sweets, or second helpings except on S days, i.e., weekends and special occasions); my version is 2 meals a day. It's been working out great so far, and I'm much less obsessive about food. Also, it has helped me become a bit more intuitive because I regularly experience hunger before I eat, so I get to experience that feeling and live it with at least until it's meal time. This has been both empowering and freeing.

Hi Palestrina that is a great concept you mention in "intuitive eating" It really makes sense, with food being so readily available at least in modernized countries eating has become something that we do just to do it. One thing to consider is that agriculture, and industrialization has only existed for a few hundred years vs the hunter gatherer which existed for more than thousands of years. Spending a day actively hunting and gathering food induced hunger. Going back to readily available food we eat because its front of us. Being mindful of what we are thinking the moment we are about to eat something when not hungry can be helpful in allowing us to curb excess calories, and relying on our intuitive nature as Palestrina mentioned, or listening to your body.

I completely agree with you. I too suspect that the "genetic" aspect has (at least mostly) something to do with the desire to eat, which is not the same for everyone. I hear you about leaving a little piece of food on plate: that's something I wouldn't do! But, I should.

I like your NoS diet, I love things that are simple and effective. Since I am nursing twins, I can't imagine not snacking at the moment. But I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you