I have a friend who is getting married in Puerto Rico in a few months. I am in the wedding, thus will be spending a bit on the shower, dress, shoes, etc. The trip itself is costing around $1300 for both me and my husband to attend, and this is just for travel. I am helping to plan the shower, and contributing financially for that as well although we are finding ways to keep the costs down. The bachelorette party is going to be at the end of February, a date that was picked because it was easiest for most people and not too close to the wedding. However, this is the weekend before my husband's 30th birthday. The weekend after, we are going to be on vacation, so if he wants to have a friends and family party, we would be doing it that weekend. Thus, I will be unable to attend the bachelorette party. Nothing has officially been planned for his birthday, but I told my friend that I probably cannot attend because of this. She is upset with me and thinks I should attend her bachelorette party regardless. Am I wrong to think that planning and attending the shower and attending the wedding is enough? Should I be going to the bachelorette party as well??

Does your vacation start the weekend OF your husband's birthday, or the weekend AFTER his birthday? (Sorry, it's not too clear in your post).
Can you have one of the parties on the Friday and one on the Saturday? Or one on Saturday and one on Sunday?
I won't say you're being unreasonable, since it just seems like the parties and obligations related to weddings and being in the wedding party are neverending and a little excessive these days...but I also don't think she's necessarily being a Bridezilla. You're her bridesmaid and I can understand why she would want you at the party.
Is there any sort of compromise that can be reached?

Ya gotta love needy people! I understand her wanting you there, but IMO she's being inconsiderate. You've really put a lot of effort and money out for her big day - don't let her take advantage.

I don't think I can give unbiased advice here because I think big weddings, and expecting people to spends hundreds (or thousands) of dollars on YOUR (your friends I mean) big day is utterly ridiculous. Then on top of all that effort for the actual wedding day, a person is expected to revolve their whole schedule around OTHER parties. Ug, I have never gotten it.

No you aren't being unreasonable. Husband trumps friend, every time.

His birthday is a Thursday, and the vacation starts the next day. We are going on a cruise, so it's not as though he won't have a fantastic birthday, which I think is her thought process. However, we aren't going on a cruise with his hometown friends and family, so the weekend before his birthday would be his time to spend with them. I am not 100% not going to the bachelorette party, but I am annoyed that she is upset with me for considering skipping it for what I think is a valid reason. I am trying to come up with a solution to please everyone, but if she is going to get pissed over this, I am less inclined to want to compromise, ya know?

I agree with this. If her party is on Sat, then go out for his birthday on Fri. I may not be the best to answer though because I have a Christmas week birthday, so we always wait until Jan, when everyone's schedules ease up a bit.

I totally understand!
I can see why she would want you there, but it's not like you are saying you just don't want to go for no reason. If no compromise can be reached, then I think she's just going to have to deal with it.

I may also be a little biased as my brother's friend is getting married, and just told my brother that he didn't "Try hard enough" to save money for her destination wedding so that my nephew could be a ring bearer. It's a $4000 trip minimum, and my brother and sister in law are still recovering financially from three months in the hospital during their last pregnancy. So I'm a little selfish brided out.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now travel wise and wedding wise. Is it really not doable without skipping the bachelorette, or is part of it maybe that you're a little done with the demands being made of you and need a break from your friend and her wedding?

It seems a little odd to me to say you can't go for another event (the birthday party) that isn't even scheduled yet. Do either/both of these events mean a full weekend commitment for travel or something? Otherwise, I would go ahead and schedule your husband's birthday party for a different day that weekend. I don't think this has to be a competition between choosing husband over friend if it's reasonable that you could do both. If you have to travel out of town, that's a different story, of course.

Yes, she's being slightly selfish but clearly you are close friends if you are in the wedding so it's understandable that she'd want you for this part of the celebration too.

Yes, I think that has a lot to do with it. I am really stressed out about affording the travel for her wedding, along with many other financial stressors that are independent for the wedding. The bachelorette party is in Philadelphia, so that requires a hotel stay plus all the money spent on a night out. I am frustrated because I'm expected to spend a lot of money on the wedding.

I am going to talk to my husband tonight about his birthday weekend and maybe he doesn't want to do anything anyway so it's all a moot point. I just can't see myself saying "sorry honey, celebrate your birthday without me so I can go get wasted with the girls!".

I can get that completely. I've never understood why anyone feels it's okay to ask so much of their friends and family for their wedding, but we love our friends, and we put up with the temporary insanity engagement rings spark.

Men are practical creatures. I'd be willing to bet that your husband will make the choice easy for you.

I wouldn't go, but that's just me. You are already spending a whole lot of money on a weeding that is not even yours!!!
Save the trip money and do something nice for your hubby. God knows that when this lady gets marry her husband will be the center of her attention

I agree with Lockitup, that I can not give an unbias opinion either. I can't stand women that think that getting married means they are entitled to huge weddings and showers at everyone else's cost. I really have a hard time not thinking someone is vain/shallow when they need a huge princess wedding.
When my cousin got married, she expected everyone to go the whole 9 for her, I did not have the money for any of it. DH and I were still going through school, living on our own, never had parental help (I'm sure I've complained about this elsewhere on this site) and seriously getting food baskets from the church at times. My cousin is such a rude diva, that no one else would BE her maid of honor! She asked me, and said she's pay for everything, but she needed a maid of honor. I said yes, because despite how it might appear, I'm not a complete B lol. She was stuck, but looking back I do regret saying yes.
She planned her own bachelorette party, which was going out and getting drunk and going to a male strip club. I refused to go because DH and I don't believe in doing that. He would never go out and get drunk and see strippers with guys. My cousin was already involve in a long term affair while engaged, so for her cheating is no biggie. She was annoyed I didn't go, but oh well. She actually ended up hooking up with a guy that night and one of girls that went told her husband and the wedding was almost called off.
She also had her mother take out a loan against her (cousin's mom) paid off house to pay for the wedding. I never got the exact number, but my aunt will be paying off her house now the rest of her life. $50,000 ish is what I heard.

As far bridzilla's are concerned, they need to get over themselves. If you make plans with your husband, then tell your friend too bad. Copernicus was right, that the earth does in fact obit the sun, and not the bride. But some brides need to be told this!

I just booked all the flights and hotel for the wedding, and it cost a little over $1700. Thus, I will be spending the bachelorette party night with my husband, and she can deal with it. I'm not dropping close to $2000 to get in trouble for not wanting to go out on one night. I need to go get some wine now!

Add me in with the crowd that thinks the exorbitant cost of weddings and behavior of many brides is absolutely revolting. Destination weddings mean people can't attend. Those who do manage to have the finances for it are an added bonus, not an expectation, and wanting ANYTHING on top of that is completely silly. Really, if anyone but the bride and groom attend a destination wedding I think that is a lucky addendum, not anything a bride should count on unless she is paying for their travel, herself.

But this is coming from someone who bought her bridesmaids their dresses because we were all broke college students and there was no way they could pay for them out of pocket. I don't regret it, either - why should they have to foot the cost for something like that when I'M the one inviting them? I was blessed to have them attend and grateful.

Seriously, I felt stupid, in hindsight, for even buying snacks or paying for a facility, when a potluck on the beach would have been as much fun and even cheaper. The cheaper the wedding the better, in my opinion. I don't love my husband any less or enjoy memories of my big day with less fondness for having spent very little on it.