Hi everyone, I have been lurking here for a while, but things have come to a head for me and frankly I'm not sure how to handle this situation with my boyfriend.

I work very hard to maintain my weight. I am fairly comfortable at around 110 lbs, and historically have kept it there ± 5 lbs with portion control and a primarily vegetarian diet (I eat whatever I want when I go out, but cook vegan/vegetarian exclusively). However, since I started dating my boyfriend last May, my weight has gone up to anywhere between 115 and 120. These may not seem like high numbers, or much of a gain, but I'm only 5'3, and the weight gain is noticeable because I have a small frame. My thighs start rubbing together and it's uncomfortable for me, and my clothes don't fit as well.

My boyfriend on the other hand is 5'11 and approximately 260 lbs (he won't tell me the number). He now wears a 40" waist in pants (he was a 36" when we met last year), for an idea of his size. He is extremely uncomfortable and ashamed that he is heavy, but refuses to stop drinking soda or eating fast food 3 meals a day. I love him and don't care that he's fat, but it is starting to cause a strain on our relationship because he gets in a horrible mood whenever he looks in the mirror or can't fit his old clothes.

So the issue is that whenever I spend time with him, he continues to eat poorly, and in turn I eat what he's eating because he pressures me to, and so we are both unhappy at the end. We would like to move in together in a few months for our jobs (right now we see each other for about a week every month and a half or so. We are long distance because we are pilots at different airports; he's just been hired by an airline and I'm an instructor but I've found a good flying job near where his airline is based) but I'm terrified that living with him full time will cause my eating habits to degenerate rapidly, and for his to continue to be poor and very bad for his health.

He tells me I should help him eat better from time to time, but will not listen to any advice, so I just don't know what to do. I want both of us to be healthy... my habits should influence his and not the other way around. His parents share my sentiments, and have talked to me about it because they are getting worried as well. But I am unsure of how to enact that change, and so I am looking for suggestions. My willpower is usually strong, but as soon as he wants to open an 11 oz bag of m&ms or eat an entire container of oreos I'm right there with him, and it scares me. I also notice I stop going to the gym when he's around. Sorry this is so long. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it in real life because it's such a sensitive topic. I hope this is the right forum for it.

First, you obviously do care that he's fat or you wouldn't have written here.

If he's a pilot doesn't he have to adhere to weight standards or did that go out when feminism came into vogue? 260 pounds is severely obese to have a career flying passenger planes. Is he a commercial pilot? He would have to have regular physicals too right? What does his doctor say?

Some advice: Have you thought about reading books about nutrition or meal planning? Weight watchers for men? South beach? Atkins? Rid your home of all junk food. Don't even tempt yourself with the bags of chocolate and candy. Learn how to prepare healthy, yummy food and how to pack for the time he may spend on the road by preparing healthy snacks. Not every meal needs to be a perfect balanced meal but "most" should be. And finally, make fitness part of your time together. It doesn't have to be extreme so go for a long walk. If the weather is not cooperating use the indoor track at a nearby university or go to a mall. Just stay away from the food court.

By the way, I'm having one of those days where I want to eat everything in sight but I came here to get my mind off of food. We all have these days. It's important to remember that these days should be kept to a minimum and not let them get out of control.

Good luck.

I'd suggest that you do everything in your power NOT to become the food police for him. Even though he says he wants you to "help him eat better," I would be very cautious; sometimes people who say that now and then are just looking for someone else to blame. You're not his mom, and you can't control what he puts in his mouth.

I really would not move in together until you two can sort this out.

What do you think he would say if you made the suggestion that the two of you make a meal at home to eat together, say, three nights a week? And stipulate that it has to be weight-friendly food? (In other words, no picking up a frozen pizza and calling it making a meal at home.) This might at least help get him out of the habit of fast food three times a day. And, both of you should prepare the meal together--it is best that you not find yourself in the role of cook.

I'd start with something like that and see how it goes.

Jay

I agree totally with this. Not only are you not his mom and therefore not responsible for what he eats or doesn't eat, but having you critique what he eats will only make him resent you. He might have asked for your help, but until he's ready to do the work himself, there's not a thing you can do to "make" him do the work.

And, I definitely would *not* move in together until this is resolved, however that happens. That just sounds like a recipe for complete disaster.

It's not his fault that you eat whatever he eats. Your first concern should be for yourself. If you really don't want to eat the fast food with him, just simply don't eat it if its not really what you want. Your first issue is saying no for yourself, than you can worry about helping him.

Next, people won't change until they TRULY want to change. Almost everyone comments about how they want to lose weight, but they never do anything about it. Why? Because they are not truly ready to lose weight. It's like an addiction. You can't help someone to fix it until they want to actually do the work to fix it. What you should do is eat the best YOU can, and hopefully he catches on. Maybe if you are successful at losing weight, something inside of him will kick in and he will be ready to lose as well.

Thank you for the reply!

I care because he's suffering physically and emotionally, and because his habits are changing mine. I'm fine with him being big, I'm still attracted to him. He's like a big cherub. But he is definitely not fine with it, and I believe the soda alone is going to make him diabetic.

I know a lot about nutrition; I stay healthy as long as he isn't around and that is why it's such a bad situation. I try to be as gentle as I can about the issue, and I try to get him to take walks with me, but then he will want snacks. If he stopped drinking soda he'd lose weight without trying, but of course at this point he's got an addiction to it and suffers headaches when he tries to quit.

Lots of pilots are fat now because it's a sedentary job with long hours, and all they eat is airport food court meals. The doctor won't really comment as long as he isn't showing diabetic results from the urine sample. I cannot control what he eats when he's at work or what he brings home, and I find myself rationalizing poor food choices when we're together as "we don't see each other often, we can eat what we want because it's a celebration of our short time together." But as we want to live together full time, that behavior can't continue.


Edited because I didn't see any replies but the first one: The move is to another state for both of us, and has been in planning since December. It more than likely is going to be carried out by May. It is pretty hard to back down from it now, with both of us having secured jobs in the new state.

I don't see a problem with you guys moving together. I'm sure it will work fine as long as you both just hold yourselves accountable and take personal responsibility for what goes into your own mouths. He can't get annoyed that you are eating some healthy vegetarian dish while he eats an unhealthy burger. Just like you can't get annoyed that hes eating that bag of M&M's in front of you and you can't have the whole bag. If I was to eat the way my husband eats, I'd be 300 pounds. He eats nothing but processed foods (except for when I cook dinner) and he eats ALL DAY LONG. I've just had to accept that I can not eat the same way and I've learned to say no (but when he eats chocolate I just cant refuse lol!)

Well, right now you can only control yourself; but you need to come up with some strategies to stop yourself from eating his junk. You need a plan too. (I know, becuz I gained a humungous amount of weight after I got married, all in the name of taking care of my husband and keeping him happy.)

Then, if & when you do move in together -- you can "help" make healthier meals for both of you. Find out what regular meals that he really likes, and make them as healthy as possible. Plus you can help him get better food into the house too. It will take some planning, but success always does.

Does he cook at all? Is he willing to learn? Would he cook if you helped him? Many airports have a full-dining restaurant, don't they? He could choose healthier meals there; esp if he could bring home a copy of their menus to study. It is possible he really doesn't know how to plan to eat better. You could offer nutrition advice, but will he listen to you?

OR, even better -- make him an appointment with a dietician. He may listen to her more, and that takes the pressure off your relationship too. She could give him an outline of how to eat better taking into account what he likes and doesn't like as well.

I do most of the cooking in our home becuz my husband can't follow a recipe for beans. He has a learning challenge (memory issues); and he cannot multi-task, plus he gets all confused. He can't even BBQ. But, he does what he can: he can & does make his own breakfast, and some of his lunches -- so we have a compromise.

I make sure to buy healthy foods for his breakfasts & lunches (I do the main shopping, and he does pick-ups for me). So, I make healthier foods & dishes for both of us, making sure to include his favorites (and mine too).

It works for us; and you can find a solution too, with a little planning. Good luck ...

In my opinion, if it bothers you now it will bother you 100x more when you live together. You'll have to be annoying to him, or he'll be annoying to you - or worse - you'll both be passive aggressive.

I suggest you simply be straight forward and explain what the problem is. Continue dating him and if nothing changes move on.

It scares me more than it bothers me, but you're right, it should be verbalized. He likes to say things like "I'm a fat piece of ****, how can you even look at me" which makes it all the more difficult. I know he is subconsciously fishing for compliments when he says that, because he's insecure. But it makes it that much harder to bring up the subject...

The last thing I want to do is bring an element of passive aggression into an otherwise very loving relationship though. Thank you so much to everyone for the advice. I don't think this is going to be easy, but I hope it is doable.

I think you have to ask yourself if you both want the same thing.

It sounds like health is REALLY important to you. You don't want to abuse your body and you really make health a priority.

He doesn't sound like that's true for him.

You have to talk to him about it and also observe from past talks, how he deals with it and what he wants.

He isn't in charge of what you eat, but you can't ignore the fact that his behaviors will constantly be influencing your environment and giving you more and more opportunities to go off your own diet.

IMO, you should figure this out before moving in. This bothers you and it's good you're thinking about it now....

Also, I don't think he's subconsciously fishing for compliments when he calls himself a "fat piece of ****." I think he is expressing that he is depressed, angry at himself, and insecure.

I agree with John. You guys can work this out together, but you really need to work it out.

I got into a relationship with a guy who smoked. He acted like he really wanted to change. I bought him the cessation gum. I told him I didn't want to have children with him if he smoked. He never quit--in fact, I started smoking again and am now trying to quit. The bottom line is that health IS important to me and it ISN'T important to him. Ultimately, I should have taken this more seriously in the beginning, but I wanted to believe love would work everything out. I think it's wiser to be realistic and accept that the people you live with effect your life by their own choices. You have to choose whether or not you want to live with their influence.

I'm not quite comfortable admitting this here, but in the interest of full disclosure in order to receive the best advice: I come from an eating-disordered history. If I'm not careful I fall into anorexic practices very easily. I never received counseling for the disorder (nobody in my family knows and neither does my boyfriend), and so its associated thought processes still arise from time to time. As such it doesn't work for me to be on a diet, because it will inevitably become dangerously restrictive. That's part of why it's so hard to stay "on plan" when he comes to town- whenever I start a "plan" it will turn into "500 calories a day" by the end of the week. So I go with the flow most of the time, cooking healthy vegetable-laden versions of whatever I want, attempting to do intuitive eating......Then he comes to town, hates what I cook because it's "rabbit food," and I concede and we go get pizza, burgers, bbq, whatever. I know that this part of it is entirely my fault, and I do not blame him for it at all. I can easily eat more junk food than him in a sitting, which I think is a sign of resignation because I'm scared to restrict and I'm sad that he doesn't like healthier things. And because I secretly love burgers.

Obviously I just have to talk to him about it, because it's not a relationship I want to lose over my own food neurosis and his more than likely depression-based overeating tendencies. But the more I think about it, the less I'd even know where to begin. Is it a conversation that can happen over the phone? I don't even know when I'll see him again before the move.

I hope I do not come off as crazy; I don't know how recovering anorectics are received here. A lot of people in real life have told me to just dump him because he's fat, and it breaks my heart that people could think that way. He's an amazing and brilliant person. But at the same time I am so worried that it will be bad for my health to live with him, because I'm used to living alone in my own little bubble, keeping myself as healthy as possible most of the time and then suddenly I eat like a 260 lb man whenever I see him. I gained ten pounds in the first month we were together and have not successfully kept more than five of those off since, mainly because they come right back on every time we meet.

Obviously you both have baggage you're bringing into the relationship. We all do.

I also wonder how your anorexia and his negative self talk will react together. I mean, I can see that combination as potentially destructive for both of you.

IMO, and I know I don't know that much about your relationship, but it doesn't sound like you have very good communication together yet. Why are you moving in together if you haven't talked about this? I don't want to discourage you from your choices, but there's nothing wrong with taking things slowly.

It is sad that people have told you to dump him because he's fat, and those people sound very much like idiots, IMO--but your relationship doesn't really sound that strong from what you've said on here. You should really think through these things before rushing anything. I wish I had thought about things more before I moved in with my partner. I have gone from a size 4-14, but that's not really the biggest reason why I wish I had been more slow and careful.

It's a relationship founded on mutual respect, trust, love, humor, similar values. I'm not mentioning the good elements because the crippling issue is food for both of us. Self-esteem issues with resultant bad eating behavior, just on opposite sides of the spectrum. I think it is a strong relationship, and a relationship worth fighting for. I don't want to rush things, but honestly the job I'd have is way better for me at the new place, so that is another factor pushing me towards going through with it. There is a ton of pressure and we are both mid 20s, around the time when people in our line of work start trying to settle into solid, stable careers. But because I'm in the thick of it, it is hard to see how much is me rationalizing and downsizing the real issues, and how much is me being weak and needing to man up and deal with it. I really do appreciate your advice, so thank you for listening to this whining.

OK, now that I have read your recent replies, I'm more concerned about how you just "give in" or "cave" and eat whatever he wants just to please him. I used to be like that, but Sleeping Beauty woke up and came out of her self-induced coma ... LOL!

Yes, it's OK to talk about this and anything else you want to over the phone; no-one else can hear you. Plus, don't worry about here iether, becuz we really don't know your name; and we have a "bingers" forum here. You may want to check that out too. (A former binger here, btw). To me, there are similarities to anorexia; binging too much or eating too little: are just two sides of the same coin -- of eating disorders.

Anyway, yes -- you need to talk and you have until May; so get talkin' girl. You both have issues and when you open up, that may encourage him to as well. If your relationship is good otherwise, it is worth the effort to try to work this out ... for both of you.