Okay, I need to unload a burden and ask a question and this is about the best place I know to do so.....

Alright, I know it is "wrong" to covet another man's wife but this isn't about someones wife it is about one of my DH's friends....

Is it "wrong" to be attraced to someone who in all the world you would never, ever be able to have or never, ever do anything with? The person would not ever have any interest in you? And you know that you would never, ever do anything to jeopardize your marriage or your family, but you are very, very much attracted to this person?

One of my DH's co-workers is a heart throb, great hair, great teeth, dresses right out of GQ, drives a nice car and he makes me "hot".... I feel like a teenager around him. I mean the blushes and everything. He isn't interested and I wouldn't ever do anything to jeopardize my marriage, but it makes me feel bad to "feel" like this. Am I wrong, is it alright to be attracted to someone and married? I take the til death due us part thing really hard and I am not going to act on my "feelings".

Is it okay to be attracted to someone else besides your husband I am and I don't know what do I do about it?

Amy

I'm new to this board

I can totally relate, because there is one guy where I work that I'm like that around. It's been 7 months since I first seen him, and right from about the third day I seen him (he was the guy who trained me at my job). I swear I purposely look around to see if he's near, and when I talk to him I blush and get giggly. I get butterflies in my stomach when I see him. And I'm happily engaged, and I know that this guy isn't interested in me! And yet I still feel like this. Never would I cheat on my fiance, and I've tried to make these feelings go away, but they're there.

No, I don't think there is anything wrong with you.

Amyjo if it's wrong to fantasize then I think we're all in a load of trouble!

What you've described sounds like a healthy thing - as long as nothing is ever acted on. That's the biggie in a situation like this - healthy to have a crush, incredibly stupid to act on it. ****, the guy's probably flattered by it (if he even notices). I also think something like this can be dangerous if your marriage isn't stable and you're looking for something in this other man. But if it's just a "wow, he's incredible" and makes you feel goofy giddy inside AND you still go back to hubby with no regrets and no "what-if's" then I think you're safe. Of course, you know you best though...

Oh, wait, one potential problemo - my ex was incredibly threatened by a man I met through our Bull Terrier dog club - this guy lived in ITALY! (so close proximity was NOT an issue). Now, it may have been because our marriage was already gathering steam and rolling downhill fast, but if your hubby is at all prone to feeling threatened - then you either may want to squash the crush all together (don't ask me how) or (gulp) do your very best to keep yourself in check when around Mr. Hottie.

Terri

Flirting means you have a pulse. In 12 years of marriage I have had many crushes and my husband has rolled on the floor laughing his butt off at some of the guys that have come over just to hang out with me. Tony and I use to have a date night from time to time. One night we got drunk and on the way home is all about how much he respects Tod. We never went out again because he was embarrassed by being attracted to me. Tod didn't care. Another guy I never got why he was so facinated by my fat blond booty and then I met his wife, she was fatter and blonder than me! LOL! Its okay to have a crush or vice versa as long as you know yourself and know where your relationships at.

My 2 cents.
Miss Chris

I agree completely!! You can't help how you feel, but you CAN decide how to act. I think most people at some time or another ARE attracted to someone outside their primary relationship. The issue is more what to do about these feelings. I adore my husband. He is my best friend and he still gives me goosebumps after 21 years of marriage!! I have STILL been attracted to other people, but would not act on those feelings, because it would hurt my husband so much. I assume he has been attracted to other people as well, which is okay by ME as long as he doesn't act on it!!! Some people have open relationships and allow each other to "indulge" while keeping the primary relationship as the major focus. It all depends on what works for the couple!!!

I agree... it's all about how you act. It's perfectly normal to be attracted to others, but know when to stop! If you don't have an open relationship, then keep to the boundaries.
I know a woman who temporarily moved in with very good friends until she could find an apartment. She started hitting on the husband, and eventually they were sleeping together behind the wife's back!! There's no excuse for the husband's behaviour, but there are some women who are "out to get what they want", no matter the cost.
When someone is flattering you with attention, it can be difficult to say NO!
I had a male friend for a while, but the situation was uncomfortable for my DH, and I had to back away. Now my favourite male friend (apart from DH, who is my BEST friend!) is gay, and DH has no problem with the friendship. In fact, if I weren't so sure of my hubby's sexual preference, I'd be worried... my friend thinks my DH is yummy.

By the way, he really was just a friend. I do NOT have an open relationship.

I have been attracted to other guys before and it didn't bother me. I have several male class mates that well lets just say they make really good dream material. Being attracted to those guys doesn't seem to matter to me, I flirt and talk to them and go home with no regrets.

This other guy works with my DH and I don't know it just makes me uncomfortable. The three of us had lunch together and went to the movies yesterday and I felt really weird. Guilty!


I guess I just need to chill out, it isn't like this guy is around alot, and it isn't like I would put myself into the position of doing something unspeakable. I love my husband, bottom line that is all that matters.

Amy

Hey, you're married not dead!

I don't think there is anything wrong with being attracted to another man - as long as you don't act on it. I have been happily married for almost 10 years and I still think other men are attractive in passing. Never felt like doing anything just admired from a far. I think what you are going through is normal and can happen to anyone.

I look at it this way:

Just because you are on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the dessert cart as it goes by!

Its funny the open marriage thing came up here. I personally don't believe it works or works very rarely. There was a thing on the History Channel(or maybe A&E) about communes and open marriages. Are minds are meant for pairing, though men are driven to lay down seed. But in most cases they want to be sure the children are theirs so men are much more okay with having multiple partners but want the women to be faithful to them. That doesn't work so monogamy is the only answer. Though sometimes I think another woman around here to help with some bills and housework wouldn't be so bad. LOL!

Off topic, but interesting nonetheless.
Miss Chris

Amy-you are so normal!!! I think they best way to get "over" him is to find his flaws. Normally that should make you nausious and you won't have to worry about being around him.

At the moment all my male friends are gay. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
I worked for a guy once who was such a hunk I could never pay attention to his instructions.
It is perfectly normal as long as we have hormones. It's that female animal drive to have the best looking and strongest caveman to father our kids and bring home the bison. Survival of the species and all that.

Talking about flaws.... this guy is like 28 and not married..... he is full of flaws, just sexy.

He can't keep girlfriends or animals.... He is SO anal about things that no one sticks around or he gives them the boot. He will either have to find someone who can change him (fat chance) someone that can deal with his character issues or be quite alone ...

I guess that is a better way to look at it, being physically attracted to someone doesn't add up to anything. I guess I was just being stupid.


My DH and I have "talked" about the open marriage thing, in passing, I think that everyone has talked about a "third" at some point. We both think that if you love someone completely then there is no need to supplement, relationships aren't like vitamins. I really think that anyone that does that then they really must have something lacking in their marriage.

I can only repeat what others have said - to feel turned on by a man other than your own only means....that you are alive! and what a wonderful feeling that is! As others have said, fantasy and reality are often better when kept apart.

A woman friend at work and I have a joke about this.

We work with a guy who is absolutely hunky - the kind of guy you want sitting on the end of your sofa so you can place your head across his lap as you both watch a movie on TV and he softly strokes your hair......................aaaah.......love that! LOL


Anyway, we're both married several years and decided these feelings would pass if one of us married the guy and then 2 years later - he stops being your fantasy and becomes your husband - in other words, just another guy leaving his underwear on the floor, passing gas, hogging the remote and Goddess forbid! rolling over and snoring after lovemaking!



Terri

Oh Terri - that is not a vision I want to see.