I feel like I can never escape my former shape! Can't we all just pretend I've always been this way???

One thing that's driving me crazy right now is that I am CONSTANTLY being asked how much weight I've lost. It's almost like no one else knows what to talk about with me.

To me, that's pretty similar to asking me what I used to weigh. It also is a constant reminder of "You used to be fat - and really fat because we are so shocked at the change!" I am about a size 10/12 now, so it's not like I am skinny. If I were to say, "Yes, I've lost 60lbs." I know they would do the math in thier heads and think, "Yeah, I was right - she was really fat." Seriously!?! Stop asking me that!!!

It gets more embarrasing when people ask me that in front of my new boyfriend. He's been around long enough to see me lose about 10lbs and he sees the way I eat and the exercise I do, so I'm sure he's figured out that I've lost weight. But, I do NOT want him knowing how much! As nice and wonderful as he is, he IS a guy and there WILL be a part of his brain that thinks, "Oh goodness, she could get fat again." Why would someone say that in front of him?? I guess at some point, he will see a picture of me from before and be a little confused, but now is not the time for him to know this. I have worked way to darn hard for this body and suffered the broken heart from **** - I deserve to look hot and have a guy enjoy me and my body and not have that ghost of my former body hanging over it all!

Okay, vent over. Thanks for listening.

Ah, yes! That's why I like my newer friends. They don't know any different, and I'm not going to tell them. LOL

Yeah I get that all the time too. It's getting irritating at this point, because it's the same people OVER AND OVER asking. I totally don't mind meeting up with someone I haven't seen and having them ask me because they may not have even known I was losing weight.

Honestly though I was getting tired of fielding questions about it that I just broke my own rule and put up progress pictures on facebook. I figured this was one surefire way to get all of the "OMGGG YOU LOST WEIGHT" comments out of the way and answer questions. Because of that, it's cut down on the amount of questions I get quite a lot and when I see people I haven't seen in a while it's not quite a shocker for them.

I started a new job recently and I haven't told anyone here that I've lost over 50 pounds or that I'm still losing weight. I guess at some point someone will find out if they see an old picture of me or something, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

I'm not sure what is it with people who think that weight isn't a personal thing? I mean I would never walk up to someone and be like "So how much money do you make in a month?". I don't understand why the world thinks weight loss and gain is the exception to the rule? I honestly would give a generic answer that isn't rude but makes it clear that further questions are not welcome.
As for your boyfriend, he will find out eventually (not necessarily specifics) that there has been a loss. Remember that he has a picture in his mind of you that is the now, the heathier, happier version, not the person of the past. Many people could gain weight, doesn't mean they will. Doesn't mean you will.
60 lbs is great! Go you!

Does, "Goodness, what a personal question," uttered in a no-nonsense tone to indicate that the subject is now closed, work to shut up the people asking how much you've lost? I get a lot of people who see my walking stick or wheelchair and bound up to ask what's wrong with me (sometimes in those very words), and I'm finding that approach works quite nicely. Indeed, I managed to get one woman to apologise for asking, "What happened to you, then?" with nothing more than a look, which is a victory for me as normally I feel like I have to justify myself when people ask that sort of thing. They're being rude, and while we don't necessarily have to be rude back, we are not compelled to answer their invasive questions, no matter how much we may feel put on the spot or because we've been trained to feel ashamed.

I wish people would ask me how much I've lost - I love to brag about it.

At any rate, don't fret too much about this - it should stop over time, as the people in your life get used to your new shape, and new people come into your life who didn't know you at the old shape.

ETA:

This strikes me as not just unfair to men in general, but particularly unfair to your boyfriend. What makes you think he's so shallow that he'll head for the door just on the possibility that you might get fat? And how do you know he wouldn't be impressed and proud of your incredible accomplishments?

You said yourself, you worked hard for this body. Why not take credit for that hard work? And why presume that other people won't recognize that?

I know you say that this is a new boyfriend, and I'm gathering from this post that you are rather young. But, hiding your past? hiding who you have been and where you have come from? Do you really think that is a good idea?

Your weight loss is an accomplishment. WHile yes, you don't need to go announcing it to everyone, why would you try to hide your past? your journey to where you are now? Don't you think there is value in that? Don't you think you have matured and gained wisdom from that?

I was just thinking how weird it was that people I've met recently don't know I've lost weight. This journey has been a big part of my life over the last 2 years, so it's strange to realize that when people meet me now, they just see a size 6 me and have no idea there used to be a size 20 me.

To the OP, I was thinking the exact thing that berryblondeboys just posted- you should be proud of your accomplishments! There is no shame in having been overweight and/or in losing weight! I'm sure this journey hasn't been easy and that you've had to work very hard to lose those 60 lbs- own that!

To be honest, I think that it's insane that weight is considered such a "personal" subject, because it's so very public. Lying about the numbers, hiding the numbers... pretending a drastic change isn't a drastic change. it just doesn't make any sense to me. People have eyes, and to expect them to politely ignore differences isn't always feasible.

If someone altered their appearance drastically with a new hair color, bizarre contact lenses, or all-over-body tattoos we wouldn't be expected to pretend that nothing has changed.

I think it boils down to body fat being considered such an "unspeakable crime" that we get mixed messages about what is appropriate to say and ask, and what isn't. There are no "universal" rules. As many people complain "why isn't anyone noticing and complimenting me on my weight loss," as there are people saying "why is everyone noticing and complimenting me on my weight loss?"

We haven't decided as a culture whether obesity and weight loss is a topic that should be off limits or shouldn't be. Rather it's considered perfectly acceptable in some circles, and perfectly abhorent in others, and everywhere in between.

Personally, I wish it were considered far more acceptable to discuss openly. I'm a lot more interested in people's experiences with weight loss than their sexual habits, which apparently is a more acceptable topic for some bizarre reason.

Social norms change, and they can change fairly rapidly. I remember when no one would consider using a stranger's first name, especially if you were younger than the person. There are many topics that were considered too personal to discuss even with close friends, that are now considered appropriate dinner conversation amoung strangers - because we've seen far more intimate on television.

I think it's insane that "weight" is one of the hold outs. Really? It's ok to discuss mentall illness, substance abuse, illegal activity, and graphic sexual experience with virtual strangers, but weight loss is something we're supposed to pretend we can't see?

It seems ludicrous, and the "shame" aspect of weight loss even more so, because it often seems that the only sin greater than being fat, is talking about it. And it's the shame and fear of the subject that keeps people ignorant. We don't know what "normal weight loss" really looks like because so few people are willing to talk about it, openly, honestly, and without shame or deception.

We also live in a culture in which it's often more acceptable to be fat and doing nothing about it, than to be seen fat and actively trying to change in public. A fat woman in public is "gross," but a fat woman dancing, bicycling, or going to the gym is ludicrous.

I've faced more ridicule for trying to change my health than for doing nothing about it.

I think whenever social norms are in flux, it's important to ask for what you want. Not everyone wants weight loss to be a "personal, private, secret" subject, and I think that's fine (same with topics like sex, health and money), but when your preferences don't match what you're experiencing, you have to speak up and make your preferences known. "I'd rather not discuss a subject I find so deeply personal," should be acceptable whether discussing weight, religion, politics, or for that matter, the weather.

You know, I'm on the other side of this. I moved almost 50lbs into my weight loss so nobody locally knows me at my highest. They've seen my drop almost 20lbs but even me at my highest is probably a vague picture in their minds since the people I know now I was just getting to know at the beginning so they didn't see me as often then.

I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, it'd be nice to have someone say "wow, you've dropped a lot of weight that hard work is paying off!". Then again it's also nice to go on with life without having to deal with that too.

Because it's such a large amount of weight the few people who have seen me recently (ok only the inlaws because I haven't visited friends/family back where we used to live yet) who saw me at my highest, well, they made it the #1 topic of coversation. It was nice at first but I have to admit it did get old after awhile. However, I imagine it will go away over time. Eventually there will be newer more interesting things going on in their lives and my weight won't be the big issue.

I do think it's best to be pretty upfront in any relationship about these sort of things. I highly doubt your BF would dump you over this and even he did? Seriously, he's SO not worth your time!!!!!!!!

Kaplods, are you a writer? Because everything you write is great and makes perfect sense.

I'd like to post my biggest problems in life and just wait for your perspective so that I can have my "a-ha" moment and know what to do next. Thanks for being so level-headed and filled with good 'ol common sense.

PrairieGirl, we are very lucky here at 3fc because Kaplods is actually a professional therapist (I think that's the official title and if it's not, then I really apologize). I love reading her very insightful posts.

I don't think weight loss is personal because....all someone has to do is look at me and know ballpark what I weigh. The leader at a meeting a few weeks back said "Kudos for putting it out there -- that you weighed 190 starting and 179 today" and my answer was...well, if I said I weighed 120, y'all would look at me like I had 2 heads--clearly, I weigh what I weigh so why lie about it?

If your weight loss is recent, OF COURSE people are going to treat it like its topical. They want to congratulate you and some will be envious and others will want to pick your brain to learn the "secret" of success.

There is a gal I work with. She was quite large. QUITE LARGE. She lost weight over the years, but not much, always gained it back----until the last time. In a year and a half, she lost a person. She is not recognizable as her former self. Not only is she thin, you would never know she was ever fat. She is thin and lean and looks like she looked that way forever.

At the start of this current diet, I picked her brain. I wanted to know what she did and how she's keeping it off. She was happy to give me some pointers, her daily menu, and tips.

She isn't going to be able to avoid that conversation with people who know her until it isn't novel anymore.

I don't see it as a negative at all.

I hope you can come to see it as a positive, even tho you remember that past part of you as something you'd rather not revisit. Sorry.

I was never a licensed therapist or clinical psychologist. I earned a B.A. degree in psychology (behavioral and cognitive-behavioral psychology), and an M.A. in developmental psychology.

Most therapists have degrees in counseling psychology - or have or are working under the supervision of doctoral level therapists.

Different states have different licensing qualifications and different job titles, so it can be confusing. In some states, anyone can call themselves a therapist, for example (but not a psychotherapist).

See, the lines get kind of fuzzy.

Providing counseling services has been a part of many of my former jobs though (probation officer, child care worker, juvenile detention worker, case manager in substance abuse treatment, college counselor...).

And I am an aspiring writer. I did have a short story published about 20 years ago (I still have a photocopy of the check posted above my computer).


I have started about a dozen or more novels (though rarely have gotten past chapter 3 or 4. At this point, I lose focus and a "better" idea will come to me). What helped was keeping a notebook for all those "better ideas." When I get distracted from my current project, I'll write the "better idea" quickly in the notebook and then I'll get back to the story I'm working on.


The one I'm currently working on is the first that I've managed to take past the half-way point. It's a YA, supernatural. Sort of the werewolf equivalent of Twilight (probably a bit more like Annette Curtis Klaus's Blood and Chocolate).

And if I ever get this weight off, I might right a memoire. Something like "How I lost 250 lbs, and only took 45 years to do it".

Kaplods, sorry to the OP to hijack this thread, but I did want to apologize for the error in your title. To me, you are more worthy then many out there who have the title of therapist. I really hope you get this book completed and published. The weight loss book would be awesome as well. The question is, once you are a successful writer, will you still come here and visit us?