does it ever end?

after a year long journey, i'm finally the smallest weight i've ever been in my adult life -- in fact, i probably haven't been this small since 5th grade. i'm proud of myself for getting here, but i still feel like crap about myself and the way i look every day i get up in the morning and step on the scale. all i can see is the fat on my arms and face or the way my thighs jiggle and how gross my body still is and i'm scared that i'll never be normal and that people will never look at me without either thinking, "that girl is fat" or "that girl used to be fat".

i look at myself compared to others and i know that even though i've come a long way, i'm still not normal. i'm still the fat girl. i still get looks when i eat in public or go for a jog or take my dog for a walk. i thought that it would be better now, but it's not in a lot of ways. i feel frustrated and tired and impatient. it's not that i want to stop dieting or exercising, i just want to stop being the big girl. and it sucks knowing that i'm still going to be that even at 150 lbs, when i finally reach goal and have dropped 124 lbs. i'm still going to be too fat, i'm still going to have a double digit pant size, i'm still going to have flab thanks to how much i've punished my body through binge eating. my breasts will always look awful, i'll always have horrible stretch marks, i'll always be afraid of finding a partner because that inevitably means i'll have to take my clothes off.

all of this work, and my life will never be "normal". i'll always have to worry about relapsing, i'll always have to count calories, i'll always have to be upset over a missed day at the gym. i mean, yeah, i'm going to be healthier and definitely happier compared to how things were when i was 270+, but i can't shake this feeling that i'm always going to be depressed because my dreams of being skinny weren't what i had thought they'd be.

i still feel disgusting. i still feel ugly. i hate that i have to squeeze into size 12 pants, even after all of this work. i hate that my weight loss has slowed down so much. i hate that i don't know whether i'm going to lose 9 lbs one month or 3 the next. i hate that i have unrealistic expectations set up for a trip i'm taking to NYC in december, and that every time i find myself falling short of a goal i've set for myself, i feel even more fat and disgusting and awful. i hate that there's no end in sight.

anyone else been at this for a while and just feeling totally hopeless? i've bottled this up for a really long time and haven't felt able to bring everything to words until tonight.

I haven't had as much success as you yet in your weight loss journey but all I can say is, tonight I was thinking about how happy I was to be skinnier and healthier even though I have so much to go. Just don't give up no matter how you feel. I bet to everyone else you looking AMAZING. You are a successful and healthier person now, just dont give up on your journey even if you are STILL being hard on yourself for the way you look. Be happy for all your accomplishments. Seriously if I'm happy with my minimal weight loss, I bet you look stunning with all your weight loss! Embrace it!!!

I haven't been at this as long as you yet. And I don't have a specific goal weight in mind for sure, but being the same height, part of me is definitely thinking about what 159 and a normal BMI would be like. And at this point, that number is closer than where I started. I have found myself starting to compare my body less to where I was, and more to where I think/hope I want to end up. And yes, compared to that image, I am still far a way and starting to realize that even if I lose another 47 lbs, my body isn't going to look the way that I really wish it would. My skin isn't going to stretch back, those stretch marks and all the droopy parts aren't going away. Even surgery isn't going to make it all better.

Part of what does help me a bit is to make more of an effort to think about where I started. My changes are not as dramatic as I thought they would be 55 lbs later, but there are still a lot of changes, both in my appearance, and more importantly, how I feel. I had aches and pains all the time and they are almost all gone. I had very limited stamina for physical activity - now I enjoy it and can be active for fun, not just to get my daily exercise. And I think that is only going to continue to improve. And as someone who has been overweight since I was in grade school, the (vanity sized!) clothing sizes I am starting to fit into are pretty exciting for me.

As I said, this is conscious and about MAKING myself find a different perspective rather than focusing on the fact that after losing over 50 lbs, I still have almost that much more to lose, and my body is still so far from the body I would like to have and realistically, it will never be that way. But I can't change that, all I can do is go on from here, knowing that improvement rather than perfection has to be my goal.

.... Amen April Snow!

I lost a lot of weight in a short period of time and I feel the same. I guess it is called 'skinny fat'. Still flabby and jiggley but the scale reads a good number. From what I have read it is all about giving the skin time, eating properly and building muscle.

We will get there *hug

First of all, really excellent post. I really identified with it. Thank you for writing it.

How old are you? Just curious. You look teenage-ish. Have you checked out the weight loss blog of "undressedskeleton"? Her transformation is really quite astounding and it helps put things back in perspective. Just google it. Her before and after pics will encourage you to keep going.- they encouraged me.

Also, I can tell you from an objective point of view that you are NOT the fat girl in the room at 175. That is simply silly nonsense and if you believe that is true, then you need to do that one drawing exercise, where you draw how you see your body on a large sheet of paper and then you have someone do an actual outline of your body on the same sheet of paper to see how distorted your own image of yourself is.

You have a great profile - particularly eyebrow shape and lips. I'm sure your body will eventually catch up to your beautiful face.

You really do have to literally wait for the skin to shrink. Lotion up! And of course start doing muscle building exercises (even if it is just push ups, lunges, etc).

i am exactly where you are, height-pounds-skin issues-etc etc, our journey in fact is very identical. yes there are days i feel fat and awful, yes there are days i am disgusted of how i look naked, but there are days i feel proud of what i achieved so far. i never felt disgusted at 275 cause i never really cared about my body at 275. now that changed and i can see every flaw, every stretch mark, and every tiny imperfection.
what i m really trying to say is , i have bad days like you, days that i realize i m not ever going to be the way i dream to be at 150. but its always better than 275, and that i will be the best I can be, compared to how i was, not compared to some dream i had in my mind or some magazine model.

when you are on your journey for so long sometimes you forget how important it is to lose just one pound, or to stay the same without gaining, it is that you have to embrace again.

you are beautiful, and never let anyone take that feeling from you, not even yourself.

Sometimes, it is just good to vent! I can relate to so much, if not all of your post. It is frustrating to work so hard and still have to look in the mirror to see the aftermath from the whole weight loss journey; however, look how far you have come! Your body did not get to it's worst overnight and no matter how much I know I would like to see it happen, it will not get better overnight, either. I still get overly frustrated when I have to buy bigger sizes due to saggy skin. I can see my new thinner body underneath it all and have to look past the "old body", as I say, to see all of my progress. You are not the same person anymore. I still think of myself as "the fat girl", as well..but it's just not true anymore. That's just how we allow ourselves to feel. Do try to feel proud of every little thing. Even just overlooking one negative, to see a positive can help sometimes. Sure you may have 'flab' that wants to hang on for dear life, but think of the amount that you have gotten rid of already. As for finding a partner, when you meet the right one they should make you feel loved and appreciated and comfortable. My partner is always quick to remind me that anything i am doing regarding weight loss, or my body is for me, that he loves me as I am. At the end of the day, we need to figure out how to accept ourselves. Thank you for posting your frustrations. It's never nice to feel like you are struggling; you are certainly not alone there.

Thanks for the post. I think you are touching on something very important here.
First off,you seem pretty young, your body should firm up in time,especially if you start building some muscle. More importantly,you are already a success,it just a struggle sometimes to keep believing it.

I've lost 200 pounds and I am happy with my body because it is healthy. I do have some loose skin and stretch marks, but I consider them to be battle scars. Do you do weight training? That can help. It takes a year after you reach goal for everything to settle on your body and your final shape to emerge. Have someone take a picture of you because you may be amazed at what you see. I see fat in the mirror and thin in a picture.

I completely understand how you're feeling. I am proud of myself for coming so far, but then I look in the mirror and see the remnants of what I've done to myself by being overweight in the past. My breasts sag and have stretch marks. I have saggy skin in the stomach area and tons of stretch marks there as well. I still look in the mirror and can't tell a difference between what I looked like at 180 and what I look like at 157. It's frustrating because I thought that this would be more rewarding and that once I was so close to my goal that I would just be ecstatic. Don't get me wrong, I am much happier now than I was at 203, but I still get discouraged.

I just know that without surgery I'll probably never feel comfortable in a bikini or any sexy clothes. I'll probably still always have to wear a girdle or something if I want to wear a form fitting dress so that my saggy stomach skin doesn't show. I know this part of the journey is all about vanity and what we want to see when we look in the mirror, but ultimately this is only one part of it. We are so much healthier now and our bodies are thanking us! I still feel fat, but all my friends/family/coworkers are saying how little I'm getting. It's all in our heads and what we're used to seeing. Put your new pants up to your old pants or start taking measurements to keep track of your progress so you'll KNOW you're getting smaller and not just going by what you see in the mirror because it can be misleading!

I went through this about 10lbs ago and, ironically, I also had about 40 some odd pounds left like you do. I really get it. You feel like you've come so far and by now you should really be seeing the results of your hard work, right?

I have to say that for me a few things helped.
1. Pictures. I recently posted an old picture of me on my blog that I found when I was about 210lbs. Wow, I never realize how big I was. I was in some serious denial at the time so seeing myself then vs now really helped to catch up my mind.

2. Shopping. Shopping trips can be rather hit or miss because I'm pretty curvy so most clothes aren't meant to fit my body. That being said the handful of clothes that I have found that work really have helped to boost my self-confidence.

3. Looking at my other accomplishments. I started focusing on the other changes that I've seen. How I feel, how much more in shape I am, how I don't stick out of a crowd anymore (trust me at 175lbs and being an inch taller than me you are NOT the fattest girl out there by a long shot!) etc. It really helped to put things in perspective.

I have to add too that these last 10lbs have made a huge difference. I've only lost about an inch from my waist/hips but the paper towel theory is in full-effect and I can see it so much more than I have in the past. While 27lbs might not seem a lot compared to what you've lost before I can guarantee you that from now on every little loss will make a HUGE difference, good luck!

My answer is the odd one out. It's not always about weight, it often just as much about how you carry the weight. An apple shaped 176 will look a lot bigger than an hourglass shaped 176. Your body shape plays a big role in how you look. Now, I don't know whether this actually is true for your, but body shape plays a big role in how you look.

I know how you feel as well. I've lost 50lbs, am 10lbs away from a 'normal' BMI, have run marathons, but I feel bigger than ever. I see every flaw, every bit of flab and skin that shouldn't be, I can find cellulite on my face. I see myself as misshapen with collar bones sticking out, but a huge *** and legs, I feel like a disgusting monster.

But, I have to fight this because it's not real. I have weighed 125lbs as an adult and well over 200lbs. There were times at 200lbs that I didn't feel fat and there were times (most times) at 125lbs that I did feel fat. I've never looked at myself in a picture or the mirror and didn't tell myself that I am fat. All I see is fat.

It's really easy to see your own flaws and it's hard to understand, but no one else can see them. It's a cruel magic trick.

Girrrrl... I can relate! I still have those days once in a while where all I can focus on is how I still feel fat, how my thighs are chubby and my stomach has extra skin and I have stretch marks everywhere and I start to feel like I'll never get to where I want to be.

I guess the difference for me is that I don't feel hopeless. I know that I have the power to change the way my body looks. I'm doing it. It's a work in progress, but progress is being made. And I also know that there are certain things (like stretch marks) that I just won't be able to change and it's taken time, but I've learned to be OK with that. It reminds me of that prayer they say in AA that goes "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

It takes courage to get up every day and continue on this journey, do things that make us uncomfortable, feel things that we'd rather not feel. But we do it anyway because somewhere in the back of our minds, we know that if we stick with it, things will get better.

So stick with it, change the things you can, learn to accept the things you can't. You have the power to do both of those things. Know that it's not hopeless and that you have done an amazing job losing weight so far! Keep kicking a$$!