I've tried to post on this board before, but everytime I try I end up deleting my message before I submit it.... this must be my 20th attempt or something.

So this is my issue...

Things are really rotten right now and I'm having a very bad time. I just graduated so I should be excited about my future but instead I'm crying all the time. I have never been honest with anyone about my situation I just don't think they'll understand. Since this is anon. I guess I could just vent all of my rubbish and hope someone has been through similar and can reassure me.

When I was 12, my dad divorced my abusive alcoholic stepmother and we lost our house, the family business... everything just washed down the drain. Consequently, I grew up living in horrible conditions since my dad never really got another job, had a heart attack and just sort of... I dunno drifted from one toxic situation to the next leaving us worse and worse off.

As a young teenager I coped with it through drugs and bulimia. Cutting a long story short, I went to see a counsellor when I was sixteen and she really put things into perspective for a while and somehow I was able to cope. I've always had strong ambitions and managed to direct all my energy on the quickest way to get out of my horrible situation, to get to university and hopefully carve out a better life for myself.

I managed to get into one. Not to sound too pretentious but I managed to get to a good one (like in the top 5 of the league tables) and I was able to get away from homelife for a while. I also gained weight during my a-levels and my degree, especially during my degree actually, because I ate out a lot since we'd never had the money when I was younger.

As my graduation came closer, I got more and more stressed and started to binge. It was fear of my habits getting worse and worse that made me get on the health road and I've been focused on that for ages.

I've moved back home now and until I get a job I'm trapped here. I can't stand living here it is awful and makes me so depressed. (to specify- we have no carpets, the oven's broken, the car is broken and today the TV broke, everything is a mess and I managed to break my toe tripping over something two days ago.) I can't really tell my dad any of how I feel because he'll agree and then talk about why HE hates it and how it isn't his fault ect. ect.

This is obviously affecting my relationship with food again. Big time. Everything feels so grimey that I don't want to eat (!) and so I'm not eating properly. When I am eating it's really irregular and the depression has killed my apetite- being hungry makes me feel worse and the cycle continues. Since I've come back I've had stomach pains which seem to go away and then come back again.

My only option is to get a job, but the job market sucks right now (they think there's about 85 graduates per 1 position) and I'm terrified of failing and ending up trapped here the way my dad has.

I just feel completely out of control over my situation. The only thing I can control is my weight loss and even that has stalled. I'm so afraid of failing, I just don't know how I can cope with it.

I just wanted to reach out with a I'm really sorry you're going through this.

You mentioned that speaking with a counselor helped you when you were a bit younger, is there a similar option open to you now?

Thank you, you're so kind.

I initially went to see a counsellor because as a child, I was abused by my stepmother. I learnt a lot during those sessions about how best to cope with my situation, but I can't help the feeling that my situation won't just get better and somehow I need to claw my way out if I want to survive, things just seem hopeless right now. I guess a part of me thinks that if I can't handle this then I really am going to have to be in counselling for the rest of my life.

Nonetheless, it's something I've been considering and I'm going to wait until the end of the week to see if I'm able to cope with the stress of everything.

Sometimes when so much in our lives is out of our control food becomes the one thing we can control. So there's comfort in unhealthy food control (i.e. binging and starvation), but you must learn to focus that energy into healthy food control.

You should try and find someone to talk to about these issues. Fortunately this board is really supportive, but you must gain control over your life conditions. There's no shame in needing counseling no matter how permanent or temporary it may be.

Home sucks, but you're stuck living there? Get active outside of the house through volunteering, join a sports team, or just go for a walk to get out of the house. Volunteering may also open doors up for finding a job. Give it time and you'll find the strength to pull yourself out.

It will help if you take one tiny step today. Something right in front of you, say, maybe clean something. It will have some benefits other than just a cleaner place, you will be tackling part of a larger problem, keeping busy, it will help. Also try to remember there are people in far worse conditions with no hope of getting out, no chance at an education etc. In short, focus on something positive, engage in something TODAY that will help, if only a little.

Poor you! You're in a really difficult spot! I third the counselling suggestion: counselors can often help by re-framing things and enabling you to see your situation in a different light.

My instinct is to encourage you to do whatever you need to do to move out of your dad's house. It's going to be an emotional sinkhole for you--from your description, it sounds as though it is triggering depression, and depression takes away the feeling that we can change and improve things. You don't want to get stuck. The economy is terrible, but try, try, try to find a job and a cheap flat/roommate situation somewhere. The sooner you get out of your dad's, the better.

It sounds like your upbringing was rather harsh.... you finished college (cheers to you!).. and now your back in an environment that may not be helpful to your future goals. I have some thoughts on your plight..

1. do you wish to reach an employment goal?.... What do you need to do in order to gain employment? .... write them down - then do it. If you need help to achieve these goals - then ask... ask a friend, neighbor, former college professors, church members, etc..

2. weight loss.... We all need support! I think this web site is absolutely the very best on-line site to use. You could also attend support groups at a church, school, within the community. My own support group in a group of friends that get together once in a while.

3. Remember - Life WILL get so much better.. I remember when my husband left me (when I was expecting our third child... I truly felt that my world was crushed and I could not even move due to depression... Is was a very sad time... but... I slowly began to pick up the pieces and move forward.. and now I am so much more happier than I was before.. Please TRUST that there will be better days and to hold on to that trust! - To help, I would suggest blogging!

4. Remember you are loved. There are people reaching out to your here and I too feel that your sheer ability to obtain a college degree in your situation is just fantastic!

Please write back on this thread and let everyone know how your doing. You can consider me your "Auntie" who cares.

Lisa