I'm wondering if anyone else feels this. You do nice things for people all the time and are the person everyone goes to when they need or want something. Then, when you feel like you want to ask for something in return they don't care and you outwardly accept it but it's bottling?? Or that you treat people nicely and they just stomp all over your heart and don't want you around?

I'm trying to separate the idea of weight loss vs. how my emotions are and it's not working.

At first I thought it was just the weight going down and the superficiality of people but it's more than that. It's people keep stomping on my sincerity and wanting to feel apart of something genuinely. I'm awkward because I don't know how to approach things but feeling was ridiculous. I'm kind of embarrassed for posting all this but I don't know who to talk to. I was told to suck it up before but I don't think it's the answer because I know people don't seem to value me like I value them.

It sounds to me like you need to find some new people to hang around. People that only want to use you aren't true friends at all and, frankly, life is too short to spend time, effort and emotion on people who don't genuinely care about you.

Lilies,

I have been struggling with the same thing, and sometimes it has been that I have had to clear people out of my life. I have certainly backed away from some people who just seemed to think I was a never-ending source of support for them, but I seemed to get nothing in return. But, I am also discovering that part of it is that I have to ask, and even at times demand equal time/value/support back and that has been really hard. I was so used to giving, and always prided myself on not being "that b*tchy girl" or not being "super demanding", but the fact is I am realizing that I have to value myself as much as I value them. It has been a really difficult adjustment. I still often feel taken for granted. But I am learning to sort out those who need to no longer be in my life and those who I just need to learn how to ask more from. I am still really not there yet. It seriously is a process!

Very much so understand. Still struggling with similar things myself.

The last line you posted stuck out, though. Someone says to suck it up when other people don't value you as much as you value them. And that's just silly. That's like saying you have to "just deal" with someone else getting the benefits of being friends with you without putting anything back into the relationship.

That's not how friendships/relationships are supposed to work. Yes, sometimes we put a little more in, but never so much in that we think we can't get something emotional back out of it. Support or caring.

It's okay to distance yourself from people who don't appreciate the kind of caring person you can be. If they don't want that kind of sincerity, there are others around who do.

Find people who value you and your friendship.

I definitely know what you mean. I don't know if I find them or they find me, but it seems like I always find people who just want to use me. I have a hard time saying no to people whether I want to do what they ask or not. I have gotten better recently, but there's still people who take advantage. I have lost a lot of close "friends" because of this reason, but honestly I'm so much better without them! Stace is right! It is definitely a process...

maybe you should find atleast one friend (or choose one) that you can tell all this to and stop bottling things up. i know where your coming from i do the exact same thing. if you cant do that find an activity that will help release that aggression...have you ever thought of boxing or something like that. everyone releases there aggression in different ways, you just need to find a way other than eating

I used to be much a lot like this.

Then, I learned the power of saying NO. It puts you back in control of your own life, you have a lot more time to accomplish your goals, and it really helps re-evaluate your priorities.

Your not being mean, inconsiderate, or b*tchy by saying NO. People who are meaningful to you will begin to value you time and efforts if they know that they can't step all over you all the time. If they don't, then it might be time to re-evaluate the value of those relationships.

Thanks for all the comments. I'm beginning to be able to tell people no without it weighing on me like i'm doing something wrong. I wish it were friends and not more of a family situation. It's easier to stop talking to friends because there is no obligation-- family is different. I'll work through this slowly. I just hate the lonely feeling.

I used to really do the emotional binge eating when I would be upset now it has reversed to not wanting to eat anything. I just have to remember to love my body and treat it nicely even though others aren't treating me nicely.

I feel this way ALL THE TIME. I am always the one to make effort in friendships. I am always the shoulder to cry on (well I have been in the past). And I am always the one to lend a listening ear while a friend talks and talks until they are blue in the face. But, when it's my turn to say something or need to vent, they are never anywhere to be found.

When you talk about it being a family thing I totally understand where you are coming from. My mom is very controlling and always wants everything her way. It took a couple of years a lot of crying and fights with my husband in order to start telling her no. She would always expect me to change my plans and other things in order to do the things that she wanted. It frustrated my very independent husband to no end. So the only thing to do was learn to say no.

I slowly was able to say no more often, but I tell you what it was hard. In the beginning I had so much guilt over it and so many tears. I have now gotten to the point that I only do the things with her if I want to, or they are things that I am "supposed" to do (ie birthday parties, etc.).

I know you can learn the strength and in the end you will feel better for it and be better for it. Good luck and pm me anytime you need to vent.

Trish

There are givers and takers in this world. You are a giver like me.
The takers are drawn to us like moths to a street lamp.

I have to be aware at all times not to be taken advantage of.
For instance, some takers try to use me as a sounding board for all their personal problems. When they start in on a problem, I have learned to tell them about a similar problem of my own. They don't want to hear about my problem at all. They are looking for attention and could care less that I have a similar problem.

Then I have the takers who find out I have fruit trees and a vegetable garden. Those really zero in on me and some say they want ALL of the tomatoes and ALL the apples on my tree. Or they want a few jars of homemade jam for free, since their mom always made canned goods for them. I nicely tell them where to go and buy their own tree, and tell them it's nice they had a mom to do these things for them, but I am not their mother. But they are welcome to come over when I can something, bring their own jars, and I will show them how to can and freeze something.
NO one has ever taken me up on the offer.

The only thing people get for free from me is a hard time. But boy, the takers really try every angle they can think of to talk me out of my fruit and veggies.

And I have friends & neighbors that want flowers out of my yard. So I tell them they must trade me one of theirs for one of mine. That NEVER happens. Nothing works for the takers at my place.. LOL

Then I have neighbor women who own their own cars, but are looking for free rides because they want to save on gas. I tell them I will drive one time, then they must drive the next time. There is never any next time. I never get the ride, so they never get chauffered by me again. End of friend.

But I do have a nice neighbor who will drive to a restaurant 1 mile from here. Then she wants me to drive her to a restaurant 12 miles away! I tell her it is too expensive for the gas and will only go back to the one a mile away.

When my kids were little, I had neighbor kids wanting to spend the night. So I told the moms their child could spend the night IF my child could spend the next Friday night at their house. They all said that was fine. My kids were never allowed to spend the night, but their child would then call almost every weekend for at least a month to try to spend the night again. I told them it was their turn for my child to spend the night at their place before they could come back. My kids were never allowed to spend the night at their house. People want to farm their kids out to you. You must put a stop to that.

I have a huge swimming pool. Now that attracts neighbors and relatives like fruit flies to a rotten apple. They ask to swim in the pool. I tell them that is OK with me, but they must vacumn it first. Clean it out... which takes 20 minutes. NO ONE ever took me up on that. So I have my pool to myself. When I have a party and invite people then I clean it and they can swim. But if they invite themselves, they must clean it. Otherwise they can swim at the city's pool.

Neighbors that want to borrow sugar or eggs or tools, I just tell them I don't have such an item in the house. Borrowers are just another type of taker. I have neighbors that ask for gasoline for their lawnmowers, which they never get.

I have learned over the years how to tell the takers no, or tell them I will trade item for item, ride for ride. They will NEVER live up to the end of their bargain. If one approach doesn't work with a taker, they will go through a whole litany of approaches until they finally give up.

My mother, dad and grandmother told me how to handle mooches, and their advice really helps.

I like the idea of trading! I have to work on telling people No. I've gained the courage to start just doing what I want to do and not configuring my schedule fit someone's day. They surely aren't thinking of mine. I started this week. One step at a time like weight loss. People complain to me about my not having internet and cable but I say if they really want me to have it they can pay half to everything for the bill because I'm living just fine without it.

I guess it's the audacity people have of telling independent people what to do and then the independent people following because they don't see there is a different choice.

I had a neighbor ask me, a year ago, to "take the day off" and drive her around up north...110 miles north of here...because she wanted to look at property for sale. And for that she would buy my lunch at the deli up there. ($5)

I would lose a whole day to the mooch and spend $60 on gas just to get the $5 lunch. LOL

I told her I would love to, but I had brake trouble. I told her to swing by my house and I'll driver her car since she doesn't feel like driving. She changed her mind about going when she found out she would have to come up with her own car and buy all the gas plus my $5 lunch. LOL

I would not "take the day off" to chauffer anyone around anyway. End of friend. She has not called me since. There are a lot of small time cons out there. Really small. I don't need people like that in my life.

I had another neighbor ask me to "take the day off" to driver her for oral surgery...150 miles round trip...but use her car...and she would buy my lunch...it would take almost a whole day. I told her no. I suggested she ask one of her relatives. She told me she didn't want "to take advantage of her relatives." A relative drove her.

You will have to prepare yourself to deal with people like this. They can pop up out of the woodwork at any time. Mooches are constantly looking for people to take advantage of. They expect people to go way out of their way for them, but they will never do a thing for you. They will always find an excuse.

I don't have cable TV either. I only like to listen to the news, which I get off the radio. And I only like to watch movies. And I have a large collection of movies and documentaries on tape and CD's. So I don't need cable.

If you live close to a library you can use the computers there.

This made me laugh. She didn't want to take advantage of her relatives, but was perfectly okay asking a neighbor?

That same thing happened to me with another neighbor. She asked me to drive her to the doctor for her yearly exams. This would take all day, but use her car.... And then drive her home and she would buy me dinner.

I told her I had kids to take care of and couldn't leave them home alone...It's illegal and dangerous for the children. I told her to get her niece to drive her. She also told me she didn't "want to take advantage of" her niece.
Apparently it is OK for mooches to take advantage of neighbors. Even if it means their children are left alone all day.

A cousin of mine wanted me to drive her and her mother to California and back...in my tiny sports car...and they would split the costs by half. 3,000 miles round trip! Her car was newer than mine, and she "didn't want to add so many miles to it...wear and tear."

Yes 50% me and 25% each of them. The nerve!
I had absolutely no interest in going to California, having been there numerous times. I told them I could not leave my kids home alone for 2 weeks. I could go to jail. The kids could be hurt, scared, miss me, etc. My house could be trashed by neighbor kids. They could care less about my children or house. Such Greed and indifference on their part! They said "No one would find out"! These kind of people are despicable.

Mooches don't take NO for an answer. They will always come up with a new angle to get their way. These people can be extremely irritating, especially when they could care less about the welfare of your children.

They don't care who they hurt. They are extremely selfish & self-centered people. I find these kind of people the lowest form of life there is.

A neighbor of mine was also driving her elderly neighbor all over H and high water for $10 a day. Finally she told the woman to get someone from the church to drive her around. She also told her she didn't want "to take advantage of her church members."

Apparently neighbors are fair game for the takers. You must always be on the defensive with such people. You must be firm and tell them NO in no uncertain terms. Most of these people have not given up on me. They still approach me occasionally, trying one con or another.