Rainbow, where IS the new thread!? Haha…

Well, since it’s already well into Monday afternoon for me, here I go…

You may or may not have noticed that I have been ABSENT from the boards since last Friday… well I fell off the wagon. Big time. so stressed and so unable to deal with my compulsion to BINGE. I basically stayed hidden in my house in my pj’s all weekend, only going out (without makeup!!) to the convenience store for more crap. It was a big big fail, and every day I woke up thinking “okay, today is the day that I start eating right again”, and every day, I failed. It makes me so sad to think that I am so broken, and that no matter how much weight I lose, I can’t get rid of this relationship with food. I’m always gonna crave it, even when I’m not hungry, and it’s never gonna be rational… *sigh*

I have one more day to make my decision, since my supervisor said that she wanted to talk to me on Tuesday to discuss stuff. I am 99% decided on quitting and doing the move to Tokyo this summer, the only thing that could change my mind is if they agreed to letting me stay not full term (which means stopping in march, same as the school year, instead of going a full year til august again), but I doubt that they will. I got another email this morning from my PA saying that my sup will try to butter me up by giving me the one high school position in the entire board of education… (we have only junior high schools and one public high school) which I used to really want, but now I don’t really care about… *sigh*

Well anyways. I’m giving it one more go today. Pleaaaaaase send me strength you guys. I am so tired of failing, and now this weight gain is making me even more depressed. I’m sorry that I’m not doing personals, but I’ll start again from this week. i moved my ticker up so as not be fooling anyone.

Oh and FPSJ, really appreciated that quote, thanks!

Kawaii - You're not failing it's just a minor set back if you failed you would have quit all together; but your not your still fighting and kicking *** !

=====

The weekend was something that's for sure. Does anyone else have friends that are kind of cool when they're by themselves but the second their boy toy or boyfriend are around they act completely different (kind of stuck up?). I don't get personally and I thought it was me but every says I act the same doesn't matter who's around me (which is a good thing because that's something a lot of people don't do.) but it kind of annoys me to the point where I'm like I don't really want to hang out with you anymore unless it's just you and that sucks completely.

So it is freezing out today -28 degree's celcius with the windshield of -40 i'm pretty sure of it. I didn't accomplish a lot this weekend because I was out for all of it, so today no gym but I will do my JM DVD and clean up my little place.

Happy Monday.

Kawaii: I'm sending strength vibes your way! I'm sure you are doing your best at everything give give things time and everything will fall into place!
MiZ: I deff. have a few friends like that. It drives me crazy!

Well I'm up early and getting ready for school at 9. Yey. I plan on doing two workouts today and hitting it hard for the last day of January! I woke up and even though I weighed in an hour earlier than I usually do I was up .2 oz and now at 151.8! Oh well still at 151 so that's all that matters! But I hope everyone has a great day!

KawaiiCandie *BIG HUGS* Sending positive vibes your way.

Ohh dear, I missed doing personals for the last chat. Woops!

Weighed in this morning, and as expected, I am up: 124.4. I ate a TON of sodium over the weekend, so I knew this would happen. Already working on power-drinking water .

I woke up way too early & all anxious this morning, so I'm trying to get in a workout and some other stuff before work tonight. There's also a horrible snowstorm headed this way, that I will have to drive in twice. Yaaaay. Ugh. I'm in such a bad mood! Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, it just feels good to let it out, ya know?!

Kawaii--I'm proud that you came back to the boards and shared what you're going through. I know you're feeling so stressed, and making such a tough/scary decision, but you're going to get through it. As for the binge/being off plan.... it happens. You had the choice to keep going, but instead you've come back here. Take it one moment, one step, one meal at a time, starting now. You can do this!

Miz--I have had friends like that before, and shockingly we are no longer friends! I think you should be your true self all the time, no matter who you're trying to impress. Hope you have a good workout!

JL- Stubborn scales are so frustrating! Hope your class today goes by quick.


Off to the gym soon... then I am going to do my best to finish a task I've been putting off for DAYS. Hoping for a nap before work. Siiiiigh.

Hope you're all having a better Monday/Tuesday!

Bah. I need to get out of the cycle of gaining a few pounds and then filling everything I do with "well, I blew it" thoughts. It's not helpful. Aside from the fact that it's very possible a large chunk is water weight (which will then turn into real weight if I give up and really binge for a couple weeks...) a few pounds in the long run isn't bad. As long as I keep going and get my low weight a little bit lower each time. Since I seem to be motivated most by visual metaphors I'm going to liken it to hammering a nail, the hammer has to draw back but each time it hits down the nail goes in a little more (I know it's weird, but so am I ).

Mostly just needed to rant and get my thoughts sorted, I need to get my mind ready for February and not let the awfulness of Jan follow me! So feel free to totally ignore me.

JL & Fatpants - Yep it's very annoying I'm pretty sure that's the last time I'm going to hang out with her if she has her boy toy with her thats for sure.

Bunneh - It's a difficult process that's for sure, I feel like I'm stuck at 160 and it's never going to go down and I feel like quitting and being okay at this weight even though I don't really want to be. So I def feel for ya there!

====

Holy crapola can we say Za Za Zu seriously. I love the fact I get butterflies and they haven't went away...I haven't been into a guy like since since my 7am hottie 5 months ago. I wish there was more of a sign he was more into me instead of a damn cat and mouse game! Maybe I'll just ask him out and if I get rejected then I can move on, because at this rate I aint gonna be able to move on! My day is going by soo slowly!

Kawaii- dont lose hope on your relationship with food. Old habits die hard and using food as a comfort is a really old habit! I remember talking to a friend of mine who was saying she had a friend who'd had a fairly crappy life and used food to comfort her, and then she paused and said "...well, food is pretty comforting". And it is! If you think about it biologically, things are pretty good if you have food. So dont beat yourself up about it. You will learn ways to feel ok without It takes a lot of time. Sounds like you've made your decision- do you think you would feel better about it if you were 100%? Sometimes I feel like if I am waiting for someone else before I make a decision it gives me a lot of anxiety, and just making a mental commitment or decision really helps. Maybe its time to commit to leaving and going to tokyo? I think you've been really strong, time to take care of yourself Be nice to you!

Miz- i dont have friends like that but I can imagine its really annoying. I do have an ex hitting on my bestfriend though Dont people just drive you nuts sometimes? Exciting about the guy!

Fatpants- good luck with the water! Thats always such a mission!

Bunneh- you're right, a few pounds is nothing in the long run! I like your visualisation, i think thats a great way of looking at it.

Managed to have a good nights sleep and even managed to doze in bed for about half an hour because I wasnt too sore this morning! And I even managed to chew on some chicken thigh yesterday night which was really awesome Still feeling bruised on my neck and my gums are sore and scary but things seem to be going well (touch wood). Its the first of Feb today here (white rabbits) and I am so determined to make this a good on plan month! And thats totally not cheating because its a short month

Kawaii Aside from the crap, I think you needed the weekend to yourself to deal with the stress about this decision - so hang in there, keep going, get back into eating better - you will be fine, I know it. I hope the stress isn't too too bad, but you know you'll feel better once you've made a decision. Thanks for starting the chat thread!

MiZ Totally know a lot of people that act completely differently around love interests/boyfriends. Can be frustrating completely. Even my sister, she talks differently when she's with her husband. Or if she's on the phone to him. Drives me insane! Butterflies is such a cool feeling. I reckon go for it, ask him out!

JL Two workouts, go you!

FPSJ Hang in there! Hope you feel less anxious and stuff soon.

TheBunneh You're right, letting those thoughts get to you is no good! You are doing great, water weight is a minor setback you can push through!

~Bleurgh. So I didn't start the chat thread yesterday because Monday was a public holiday here, and I went to a 9 hour music festival. I also didn't count my calories strictly. I think I probably had around 2000. Not sure. I feel like absolute crap today - I drank 7 vodka + sugarfree Red Bulls in the space of 9 hours. They were definitely generous with the vodka. I ate nearly 2 pots of hot chips and the saltiest steak sandwich ever. I think I did ok considering the multitudes of choices I could have gone for, but I don't feel great today, probably due to all those red bulls!
Had a kind of a weird argument/conversation with my boyfriend. We've been together 3 years and he still can't tell me he loves me. Most of the time I'm fine with it, but sometimes I get frustrated - we want to hear that we're loved right? I know he loves me, and he has made it clear that he does and that it is how he feels - he just can't say it or admit it because it scares him. And of course, I wasn't sober, so I thought I'd bring it up again. Stupid idea. All it did was get me all upset and got him upset and stupid me decided to bring up the idea of breaking up, which of course neither of us want to do.

I know we're fine now, I just wish I hadn't gotten that drunk. And I wish I wasn't at work today. And I really wish I didn't have Zumba tonight. Oh and I also wish I knew how to make myself feel better right now.

Icon Sorry, missed your post! Yay for chicken thigh and less pain! Hope February is a good month for you!

Now there are two chat threads and I am confused...

chloe- theres one chat thread and one quick chat?

rainbow- aw that sucks Why is he so scared to say it? Maybe its a big commitment for him ot whatever. Did u guys get to talk when you were more soberer?

Icon I'm not entirely sure. He says he struggles with the meaning of the word (he's really intelligent, so that kind of confuses me..) I think he just thinks it's so generic? Actually as much as I know that's how I feel as well, I kind of don't like the words "I love you" that much either...I don't say them to him - not sure whether it's because I know I won't hear them back or whether I've grown to feel weird about them as words myself? I dunno. We haven't really talked much since sober, aside from me apologising for saying silly things - and asking him if we're ok - which we are. I know he just doesn't understand why I care so much - and usually I guess I don't care all that much, and it's because I know how he feels and he knows that I know he feels that way. Argh, sorry, this probably seems more confusing than it should be!

Miz, aww, thanks girl! i'm trying! lol. that sucks about your friend... i don't know anyone like that now, but i used to when i was younger and oooomg that sounds cold! i mean, it's like 0 degrees here and i'm like brrrrrrrrrrr.... lol. but i totally know what that's like cuz it gets that cold where i'm from!! oh, and is there a new boy?? or is this the guy who wouldn't give you his name still? haha... butterflies are nice

JL, thanks! i have my meeting today so, for better or for worse, i'll know what happens after 5pm today! haha. congrats on seeing 151! you're such a trooper with your workouts, haha.

FPSJ, you are so driven! if i'd woken up early, i woulda just rolled around in bed, not gone working out! haha, and thanks for the kind words

bunneh, thanks! and remember, slow and steady wins the race!!

icon, thanks. yeah, at first i wanted someone to make the decision for me! my mom, or my good friend, and i was like "just pick one and i will do it regardless!" just so i don't have to make the decision myself, eheh... i think i will feel better about it when all is said and done and i can't change my mind anymore... glad you're startingn to feel better!!

rainbow, haha. where were you yesterday? oh, that music festival, right! how was that? well, it was a special event so you should be forgiven, haha... i think i remember you mentioning something about your bf being foreign? lebanese or something? that might have to do with it... my first japanese bf... i was with him for 2 years and even by the end he refused to say he loved me. i knew he did but it made me soooo mad! and then when i dumped him, he chased after me for a while going "Vanessa, I love you! i love you sooo much!!!" and i was like "you're a bit late with that, dontcha think?" but yeah, i don't really have any advice for you on how to make him say it, haha... well if you're fine living with it though

chloe, yeah, there are two chat threads. this one is for "longer" chat apparently different people go on both threads so it's ok. feel free to join in.


well, it's tuesday morning already here, and i managed to be good all day yesterday! yay! baby steps, baby steps... haha. as part of my new "trying to be good" program, i told myself that i would not weigh-in until friday... but it was soooo hard to not step on the scale this morning! haha. but my good friend (who is my go-to ranting person) told me that i should stop weighing myself daily cuz it's making me miserable

anyways, got my "meeting" about re-contracting after work today... i'll let you know how that goes!!

Oh haha, I feel kinda dumb now. Oh well...I guess I'll just copy and paste what I wrote in the other chat thread since that one seems much more like a personal conversation between other people and I feel like I am intruding. I have to buzz off to work soon, so no time for personals, but I'll try to hit you ladies up later!

My Lady Gaga tickets finally arrived, so I am super psyched! I am going to her concert in March and I can't wait. I realized I am getting so tired of school; I'm just ready to be out of a classroom. It's really frustrating just sitting in a room while I want to be out in the real world. Of course, everyone in the real world tells me they want to go back to college, so who knows? Hope everyone is having a good day and staying on-plan (or not beating yourself up if you went off-plan).