In all honesty, I haven't had a meal since the night before New Years Eve. I've eaten a couple of 100 calorie things, but no meals. I just don't want to eat because of the disaster that happened New Years. Long story short ~ I wanted to just go to sleep. Instead, I got up because my daughter wanted to come over and I got drunk and stupid. Funny thing is, the person who is the maddest at me over my actions new years is the one person that knew before-hand, has known for weeks, what hard alcohol does to me and he was the one who made the equivalent to an alcohol suicide with 5 hard liquors and was giving it to me. Remember the suicide soda drinks where you took 5 sodas and called it a suicide, that's about what he did with alcohol. This person was my best friend...or what I thought was a friend. After some serious analysis, I realized he's just another one in a long line of abusive men I've allowed into my life. On New Years Day we had a phone call and he said the most awful things including, but not limited to, I should go play in traffic, the world would be better off without me, I'm fat and ugly, and no one will ever love me. It was dinner time and I just went to sleep and didn't eat. Now it's been 5 days and I still don't want to eat.

I know why I am like I am. I grew up in a very abusive home and had a string of abusive relationships before I decided it was just easier to close myself off. When I moved to a new state I didn't even meet my neighbors. My daughter would go down and play but I kept myself in the house all the time unless I was working. Finally she came over and asked me if I was in witness protection or hiding from an abusive ex. No, I was hiding from myself and I was obviously pretty good at it.

I know because of my years of exiling myself I'm socially awkward around real people ~ although I'm okay on the internet ~ but I don't know how to explain that. The alcohol, of course, didn't help. I thought maybe if I talked out my feelings I would want to eat. Now I'm just more determined not to. At least I can control that much of my life.

I have no words of wisdom for you, but wanted to send you . I hope things get better for you and you can treat yourself with the love you deserve.

first of all HUGE hug to you.
Secondly . . . PLEASE get that piece of dung 'friend' out of your life, I literally had my jaw drop when I read your post. No one, absolutely NO ONE has any right to treat you like that. Period.

That being sad, I have days I don't want to eat and the sheer thought of eating is almost enough to make me neasous.
Smoothies. They go down well, easy to make and you can add oodles of things to make them nutrient rich. Maybe not the best thing to eating, but better than not eating IMO.

I understand the need to feel in control, and I don't mean to sound ignorant - but is there anything you can do to flip that need in your head from controlling by not eating to controlling by eating specifically healthy, nutrient dense foods? I really don't know if that's possible but I thought I'd ask.

Another hug for you, you deserve it.

If you don't eat, you are letting him win. Read that again! You are agreeing with him that you shouldn't live if you don't eat.

You need to eat healthy foods in appropriate amounts. 100-cal packs won't cut it.

Don't answer the phone when you know it's him. Don't talk to him, don't see him at all. Have nothing to do with him from this point forward. The suicide alcohol drink was sadistic enough, but the phone call sealed the deal, in my book.

Go to the store, buy yourself something healthy and nutritious, and have a small dinner for yourself. Eat some of it, if you can't eat all of it.

Please, take care of yourself.

Jay

Seek counseling, clergy, or someone who can help you deal with these feelings...and fast.

This definitely bears repeating. Along with a reminder that this (insert expletive here) is WRONG! He is absolutely and completely wrong. He was wrong to encourage you to drink when he knew it would negatively affect you and he was SO wrong when it comes to the phone call the next day.

He's a dead weight in your life and he doesn't deserve any room in your head or your emotions. You deserve every wonderful thing that life has to offer and don't allow some nitwit to convince you otherwise!!

What we say and do under the influence of alcohol is pure nonsense. This guy is someone I think needs to be quickly and quietly dropped. The kitten under your post-name shows that you are a gentle, kind person. And 179 at 5'9?? Fat and ugly? No Way!!!

I've always believed that, but apparently I'm a forgiving person who's lived with too many alcoholics and I know what it can do to people. Which is why I've repeatedly told him I don't do hard liquor. Shortly after I wrecked my car I was with him and made the "I would love a beer" statement. He says "well, there's the ABC Store" and I immediately shot him down. I explained then why I don't do hard alcohol. I can handle my beer, but not anything stronger. So for him to be the bartender and then get mad at whatever I did ~ and I fully admit I could be told I did anything and I'd believe it because I have this thought of what I did but know I could be totally wrong.

I know he said what he said because he knew it would hurt. At this point I just want an apology and to move on. I've apologized for my behaviour, I've even owned that what I did was my responsibility but I was sorry for what happened. Yeah, I blame him in some ways, but I blame him more for what he said when he was sober. My problem now is I do miss the nice guy part of him but I know I need to cut the abusive guy out.

Mini update ~ dinner is chili for everyone in the house. It's lean and good protein so I'll be eating tonight. I better, I'm starting to get a little dizzy.

I've not gone that long without eating... my stomach would be mad at me!
I would suggest you just eat something small, maybe a can of soup or a salad. You don't want to eat too much because your body doesn't have anything in there and the last thing you want is a tummy ache.
We all do some crazy things sometimes (alcohol induced or not), just pick yourself up, dust off and get going again. As for meeting people, you can try a church group or a running group (or something else that you might be interested in). You'd be surprised how many little groups there are out there for just about any interest. It's hard to trust people once you've been burned badly (trust me, I know) but it's worth it to try.

Alcohol is not my friend either. I drink and I break out in hand cuffs LOL! You have the strength to get through this and it sounds like you have made some positive steps like taking responsibility for your part and realizing he should not be a part of your life. Chili is great comfort food which is exactly what you need. Please take care of yourself and keep us updated. Love and light!

The following is IMO:


Do not wait on an apology to move on. Just move on. This kind of person doesn't usually apologize and even if there's an "I'm sorry" it is only to placate someone and they are likely to repeat the behavior in some fashion soon. Do let your heart stay open to him on the off chance that he will apologize.

Really think about this... Is the 'nice' guy part of him is big enough to squelch the ugly abusive no good-nick part. I don't think so otherwise there would have been no suicide drink to begin with, there would have been an immediate apology, and no nasty phone conversations.

The not eating is quite possibly a symptom of anxiety. I have had issues with anxiety and eating was the most difficult thing to do. I take GABA to reduce the symptoms as well as other Rx.

Hope things get better.

DixC is GABA over the counter or RX? I could definitely use something for anxiety and if there is such a thing something to stop me from crying. You asked if the nice guy part was big enough ~ it was at one time. Now, not so much.

About an hour ago one of my housemates came in to talk cause he was bored and asked what I was doing. I told him I was blogging about my New Year's exploits. He told me to stop worrying about it that even he doesn't remember that night. I guess it's better that the people I live with forgive me even if Bert (that's his name) can't. Funny thing is, they were his friends before they were mine, but they forgive me and he doesn't.

I'm looking forward to the chili. The good thing is that I've conserved so many calories in 5 days I can eat the chili and the corn bread. I have a lot to do tomorrow so I need to eat. I'm happy my housemates are providing dinner tonight and I'm invited.

Thanks 3FC for giving me a place to express my feelings. I'm shedding more tears but I think that's a good thing right now. I guess sometimes it takes others' voices to tell you what you need to hear, but don't necessarily want to.

So I made the mistake of calling Bert and again I didn't eat. Making things worse is he called his friends and told them I lied. I guess I've totally forgotten how to deal with real people. What sucks is part of me really believes he's right and I should just go play in traffic.

It looks like you're playing the game as much as he is.

He got you drunk, and you blacked out, and now he's angry because of things you can't remember. Honey, I have been in situations like that. Basically, you have a life-threatening condition, a sensitivity to alcohol that could kill you and cause harm to those around you. Blacking out is never normal.

Your "friend" Bert is using you for his own purposes--he got you drunk, let you make a fool out of yourself, and then berated you for it, not only directly but to people you both know. He's a sick man. He also has a life-threatening condition, but it's your life that's being threatened. I cannot figure out why you would call him. That kind of person is never going to give you what you want. He is only nice when he's planning to set you up again. He'll turn on you every time.

You might want to look up AA and make it to some open meetings. People there have a lot of information that you could find useful. If nothing else, you'll see that there are others who have been this route and you can talk to them face to face.

Jay