It looks like you're playing the game as much as he is.
He got you drunk, and you blacked out, and now he's angry because of things you can't remember. Honey, I have been in situations like that. Basically, you have a life-threatening condition, a sensitivity to alcohol that could kill you and cause harm to those around you. Blacking out is never normal.
Your "friend" Bert is using you for his own purposes--he got you drunk, let you make a fool out of yourself, and then berated you for it, not only directly but to people you both know. He's a sick man. He also has a life-threatening condition, but it's your life that's being threatened. I cannot figure out why you would call him. That kind of person is never going to give you what you want. He is only nice when he's planning to set you up again. He'll turn on you every time.
You might want to look up AA and make it to some open meetings. People there have a lot of information that you could find useful. If nothing else, you'll see that there are others who have been this route and you can talk to them face to face.
Jay
I could not have said it better myself. It sounds like you are engaging in self destructive behavior and an AA meeting would be ideal.
When you have low self esteem it doesn't get better overnight even though that dude did something sh***y. You made a mistake by calling him. He will never change. Take that hard lesson and start investing in yourself. The counseling or meetings would be helpful.
In the meantime try something high calorie and nutrient dense so even a little will give your body some much needed fuel. Some nuts, grilled cheese, someth with a bit of olive oil.
Hugs.
Last edited by AmandaMamma; 01-05-2011 at 01:16 AM.
I've now read this thread through half a dozen times. I've often said "sometimes you just can't fix the disconnect between the head and the heart." My head knows i should walk away but my heart doesn't want to listen. I know he's abusive. I know I'm better off without him, but I also know at one time he was great to be around & I can't help wanting that back. It's been 12 years since I allowed myself to be attracted to anyone so I guess that's what is making this hard.
I still haven't eaten, that's more about location today. I'm at an agency trying to help the person I live with get money to pay his electric bill. Funny thing is, I'm not even hungry anymore. Maybe I'll feel like eating once this ideal is over.
I've now read this thread through half a dozen times. I've often said "sometimes you just can't fix the disconnect between the head and the heart." My head knows i should walk away but my heart doesn't want to listen. I know he's abusive. I know I'm better off without him, but I also know at one time he was great to be around & I can't help wanting that back. It's been 12 years since I allowed myself to be attracted to anyone so I guess that's what is making this hard.
I still haven't eaten, that's more about location today. I'm at an agency trying to help the person I live with get money to pay his electric bill. Funny thing is, I'm not even hungry anymore. Maybe I'll feel like eating once this ideal is over.
I know I may be out of line by saying this, but you're talking like an addict. You're trying to chase that initial great high, when he was treating you well, instead of realizing that the one time he was great was probably just a fluke and all these times when he's treated you poorly is really who he is.
Don't chase the fluke.
Recognize that what had you attracted is something you're looking for in someone else, but not in this guy. There's too many red flags.
Maybe you need to also consider taking care of yourself. I think you're running away from yourself, by taking care of others, rather than taking care of yourself. Go to the AA meeting. It might really help you.
it sounds like his influence is as dangerous as the alcohol. cut him out of your life. i know it is hard, but waiting for an apology or any response from him is keeping you from moving forward. don't give him power over you. new years eve is over. whatever happened is done. there is no need to hold on to it- you have learned from his actions and his words that he is a negative influence on you, your physical and mental health. he is a suicide drink for you. just say no, no, no more!
people have suggested AA, and another option is AlAnon. AlAnon is for people with alcoholic family and loved ones. growing up in an abusive, alcoholic home, you most likely need support to learn how to put your own health and safety first. i have an alcoholic mother. my brother found tremendous support in AlAnon. psychotherapy has helped me immensely. i think for people forced to live with alcoholics, taking care of ourselves and insisting on being treated well can seem selfish. but it's not. it is the only way to live.
i once didn't eat for 2 weeks after a break up. i felt like even a cracker just had too much flavor, the sensation was too much to bear. i wanted to be numb to everything. and there was definitely some sort of martyrdom going on there. not eating just made me weaker, more fragile, kept me in my obsessive negative thinking. not that i cared at the time, in fact i'm sure i liked it (that martyr thing).
come to think of it, my 5'8" mother once got herself down to 105 pounds after a breakup. i was 12. that was not a healthy thing for me to experience. i "learned" a lot about love and relationships- unhealthy, dysfunctional, damaging lessons. and for years i lived by those lessons, myself. it seemed normal to me.
they have a saying in AA, "fake it til you make it." even if you don't want to let go, pretend that you do, act as if you do. don't call, don't respond, redirect your thinking about him. easier said than done, but you can do it. you can say no to the hard liquor, and you can say no to him. or better, say nothing to him. if you can say no to food, you can definitely say no to him. to your heart, this is normal relationship behavior- it's what you have learned. but it's not working for you. get around people who can support you in learning a different way to interact, to be treated with respect.
please keep posting and know that everyone here is communicating to you from the heart. you deserve to be treated with respect, especially by yourself. because you are the one person you really can't cut out of your life. you are amazing.
I've often said "sometimes you just can't fix the disconnect between the head and the heart."
It's not in your heart.
You are playing an old CD in your head. He reminds you of something "familiar"--something you experienced at an early age. It was probably abuse, and probably at the hands of someone you were literally dependent on, because you were a child. And all the time it is so painful, you feel the familiarity of it, so it seems like it's "right."
I hope you get the help you need. You don't sound like someone who is in their teens or early 20s, so you don't have an endless time ahead of you.
If you continue not to eat, you will collapse. Maybe that's what you're hoping for--and surely then someone will come and save you.
I'm sorry to say, that's not likely to happen. It's time to stop the drama--because that is what it is--and eat something. Get on with life. This is the only life you get.
Tried to post this yesterday. Okay ~ I ate a sandwich that the assistance center provided. It isn't sitting well but at least I've eaten....right?
For the first couple months, Bert really was great. When I totaled my car after leaving his house one night, he let me stay with him & drove me places and was a great friend. Then he hooked up with some new people & that's when he changed. I didn't, he did. I was going 3 days at a time not eating until her found out. This is different. Then I was doing it to try & save money & force weight loss; now I just don't feel like eating. I'll force myself to eat....I just wish I wanted to eat.
That was around lunch time. When we got home there was no electricity so I didn't eat dinner. Good news is that today I have money for food, I've got a job interview and I'm starving this morning. I'll be picking up food before I get on the bus and eating after the interview too. I'm doing about 8 miles worth of walking today and I know I need the fuel.
I finally got the full story and forgiveness of my housemates last night. We also talked to the one guy that thought in patient treatment was in order and talked him out of that (we think) and I agreed to go to abused women counseling. I think that's fair. One of the girls that has seen how Bert treats me fully agrees with everyone here that I am far too willing to let him abuse me but she also believes it's because of my past that I've never dealt with. Now I'm in agreement to deal with it as long as we can find something free and close. I walk everywhere since I lost the car and I have no money unless I get this job today. I'll update later.
