I was reading cfmama postīs of her two-year anniversary and it got me thinking about my journey.

Iīve started it on November, 2005 with a 124lbs to loose, in these almost 5 years, on my all time low Iīve managed to weight 138lbs, a total loss of 104lbs. Right now I weigh 158lbs, 84lbs less than my starting weight, which is still something amazing.

But also for the 10th time in this journey, I got lost and now itīs time to get myself back on the healthy horse. Because Iīve gained 20lbs back. And every time that happens Iīll say the same thing; that Iīll go all the way this time, that I wonīt let this happen again, but somehow, even after 5 years of lessons, well after a lifetime of lessons, I still do.

What I also notice, is that every time I feel Iīm getting close to my goal, that I feel Iīm going to succeed, I sabotage myself. Thatīs usually the turning point, when I stop loosing and begin gaining the weight again. What am I so afraid of? And thatīs not only weight related. Whenever I feel Iīm getting comfortable in my relationship I find a way to sabotage it, to pick a fight with my boyfriend...

I know a therapy would really help, but since thatīs not an option now and you guys are always so great at listening and sharing your views and opinion...

So what do you guys think? Have you fallen in the same behavior pattern ? Any thoughts?

First of all, HUGE congratulations on all you have acheived over the years - what a brilliant thing to have done, despite you saying you sabotage yourself from time to time.

From a personal viewpoint, I also do the same thing (although the lbs on and off are different, the situation is similar). How many times have we all said "this time, I'm going to do it and it's going to be forever", then got lost and ended up back where we started or worse.

For me over the past few years, I've tried a few different ways to counteract this, and all have worked to some extent - now I just try to do them all at once, hoping that the combined effect will kill off the sabotage once and for all ! LOL !

I really believe that the sabotage comes down to the level of our self-esteem, which seems to be like a helium balloon, leaking very slowly so that when you don't give it more air for a while, it deflates and causes you to go into self-destruct mode. I've worked very hard over the past few years to become my own best friend (ie, talk to myself as a friend would, rather than beating myself up for 'failing'). I've tried lots of NLP techniques. I've tried meditation techniques. I've tried writing positive messages to myself when I am 'in the zone' for reading when I'm feeling lost.

I believe that 'little and often' is the way to go on this - keep your self esteem at a high level and every day, or if you feel it deflating, add a little more support in terms of self coaching, positive reinforcement, positive thinking and being very kind to yourself - you are beautiful. We all are. No one else should be able to influence how you feel about yourself.

One last tip - sign up for updates from TheHappyGuy.com - he sends great daily (short !) emails with little things to make you think, be grateful for your life / health / family, etc and I find these really inspirational for a little top-up.

You've done such brilliant things over the past few years - you should be extremely proud and your self-esteem balloon should be the size of a hot-air balloon ! Well done and keep going !!

HB

Warning, this may not be the answer you were looking for:



Don't shoot me here, but isn't *sabotage* just a fancy term for, I don't know, falling off the wagon, not putting forth the effort, giving yourself permission to overindulge.

And again, not to be harsh, is it really that you're afraid of success (another souped up expression if you ask me) or is it just a matter of you get complacent, don't feel the urgency as much and stop doing what's required to "get the job done"?

For me, it was about health, first and foremost. I wasn't stopping till I reached that healthy BMI. And yes, I know it's just a number, but it has at least some validity to it.

I was done settling for second best. I didn't want to be simply healthy-er, I wanted to be health-iest. I didn't want better, I wanted best. I wanted to be my optimal. It was time. Be all that you can be and all that kinda stuff. I didn't want to keep thinking and wondering and regretting, "if only..", "what if?"...

Perhaps take a look back and think why you started this journey in the first place. Re-visit your goals. Decide how you want to live your life.

And then I say - push yourself. Challenge yourself. Raise your standards. Require more from yourself. Discover who you were meant to be. Kick it up a notch. Amaze yourself. Why not? Really - why the heck not?

Just to throw this out there, I don't know if you're aware that CFMama did not self-sabotage. She took a planned maintenance break because the scale was no longer moving...at all. So she experimented with herself.

As for me, I USED to self-sabotage in that way, but I called it giving up. I was inpatient and when the scale didn't move as quickly as I thought it should, bam, I was done. Now I can honestly say I do NOT self-sabotage any longer. I developed a healthy relationship with the scale by weighing every single day and I made a commitment that no matter what happened I resolved to be on plan every day for one full year. That has worked for me far better than I ever thought it would!

I'm not sure why, but I reach mid 270s, and I have a mental freak-out. I don't know why. I haven't been able to figure that out. I did the same in 2006. The difference then is that I gave up then, and I'm continuing this time. For some reason, I start feeling self-loathing at about this weight, and I'm not sure why.

Only time will tell if forcing myself to stay on plan will be worth it.

Thank you Elaina lol!!!!

I have always tried very hard to NOT sabotage myself. I had to realize that ever since my gall bladder surgery my body just DOES NOT respond to my weight loss efforts the way that it used to! I had lost 155 pounds by my one year journey (putting me at 222) and now I'm 210. A net loss of 12 pounds this year.

TWELVE POUNDS. Just throwing that out there

So it's been a hard year for me. My maintenance break was nice but only time will tell if it was a good idea (or one that causes me to lose more weigh rather) but I can tell you that self sabotage was not in my vocab.

However ... did I make the decision to just not care at times this summer? oh yes I did. Am I having to REBREAK bad habits that I have relearned? oh yes I am. So constant vigilance is always necessary!!!!!

I find that very interesting! It's just one more reminder that constant vigilance will be necessary at goal maintenance.

I bet the pounds will drop for you know. I just know they will! I had a two month accidental maintenance...can't call it a plateau because I was simply eating too many calories for my new weight. I dropped the calories after two months of that and WHAM! It's like I'm a newbie again. Three pounds last week and already a pound this week.

Yes, I sure have had the same experiences. I think the reason most people regain weight that they lose is because a lot of us have deep seated issues that the fat and food is being used to cover. For example, if a girl was molested or raped, and has been using food and her fat as a protection for 10 years, going on a diet and losing all their weight will not address the emotional pain and real *issue* underlying the weight. I would think she will be more likely to regain until the emotional issues and fear is dealt with in some way.

For me, I found as I lost weight I'd stall along the way and start eating crap. In almost every instance I was able to reflect, journal (blog), and root out the problem. Sometimes all I needed was to recognize the fear and reassure myself that I am ok. Sometimes I had to make definite plans to actually DO something about the issue. For example, I was a domestic violence victim many years ago (15). When I was losing weight I got to the point where I got this horrible fear that I was now *light enough* for someone to pick me up and hurt me... to move me around against my will... to flip me upside down. I had a very hard time losing weight past that until I acknowledged it and DECIDED that I am not a victim anymore, and I made plans to take a self defense class, strength train, and get a large dog to walk with me. And then I started losing weight again.

It is not always as simple as just losing the fat. There is often a reason we put it on in the first place that is not about food.

I think there's a major difference between self-sabotage and 'falling off the wagon'.

I've done the SS thing in the past, and I'm not sure WHY. It's like I had an overwhelming feeling of ickiness as I was losing weight and I freaked out. It hasn't happened in a long time though, so I think it's eventually something that can be overcome. I did have to talk to myself, a lot, though, when I felt the freaked out-ness approaching.

Okay, this describes me. I am certain that I used food for *my protection* and for *comfort* and most definitely to deal with *emotional issues*.

But the truth is, I didn't *deal with it* in the way that I probably should have. I didn't really deal with it all. But that doesn't mean that change can't occur.

And honestly, I don't think that means I am more likely to regain the weight. Why? Because though I don't have everything all figured out, I am no longer willing to be obese or overweight. I am willing to do what's necessary to be slim and not regain the weight, in spite of my *mental state*, and my un-resolved deep seated reasons for gaining in the first place.

To simplify it and yes perhaps it's over simplifying it - if you don't want to regain the weight and are willing to do what's necessary to not regain the weight, than you won't.

I don't think that this is necessary an oversimplification. But you do say "if you don't want to regain the weight", and I consider "self-sabotage" to be some part of you, because you're uncomfortable, wanting to regain the weight. Self-sabotage (as opposed to falling off the wagon) is a result of internal conflict between your health and whatever is going on mentally that makes you feel like being heavier is safer/more comfortable/better.

Just my 2 cents.

Thank you guys for your comments and support !!

Cfmama, sorry I should have been more clear... I didnīt mean to say you sabotaged yourself, I referred to your post because it was your story and it made me think about mine... youīre an inspiration, and thatīs for sure!!

I agree with RockinRobin to a certain point, I think by far the most important thing we need to succeed is will power. Is the ability to say thatīs it, and stick to it. But I do think there is more to it, and at least in my case. I now know that together with exercising my will power, I need to work on my issues, I need to first identify them, and then address them...

I now have identified the pattern and the next time I see Iīm going to sabotage myself, I can try to stop it by identifying the why ... I think itīs worth a shot... but letīs hope that doesnīt happen for a while ...

Thanks again !! You guys are awesome !!

I do think that to imply that the only reason people don't lose weight or regain it is because they lack willpower or don't want it bad enough, or are just unwilling to do the work, is setting a lot of people up for self hatred.

I see a lot of "what is wrong with me??" and "why can't I seem to do this?" desperation on forums and on blogs of people who try and try but struggle terribly. I want to say that it is not a character flaw or a lack of "wanting it" or willingness to work. In my opinion, it is a lot deeper than that in many cases.