A little background info: I am junior in college and I am currently obtaining a degree in Wildlife Biology. I am currently enrolled in a Mammalogy class and we had a late night meeting to go mist netting for bats yesterday night. So being a broke college student with an intense fear of driving I am car less.
I set out extremely nervous to catch the bus that would take me to the university to meet with the girls I was carpooling with. I walk up the hill to the bus stop which I believe is a mile long walk give or take a little distance. A little bit later I am standing there at the bus stop freaking out because its late, when a white van slows down and this guy yells at me out of the window. I was using an mp3 player at the time and had one earphone in I thought he yelled "Work out more" or something of the like to me. I quickly tried dismissing it telling myself he probably said something else and I misheard him over the music and my own self conscious feelings. A few minutes later I notice the white van again driving down the road and I stat to panic. It was the same van with two guys in it the first one that yelled at me previously slowed it down considerably and waved while the other leaned out the window to tell me to lay off the food and some other nasty insults that I started to try tuning out.
How humiliating that whole thing was , am I now so fat that it has become okay for strangers to slow down and yell at me. I actually cried there at the bus stop, I wanted nothing more than to turn around go home and go crawl in a hole and die.
I guess I was lucky that I never have been teased about my weight before, but now that its happened I don't know how to handle it. I know it was one small episode but its got me torn up pretty bad because Ive already been so self conscious about my weight. Im terrified of the fact it could happen again,
I can't stop thinking about it. Every time I get hungry or go to eat my breakfast or lunch or dinner I get torn between not eating at all because I feel like I'm a total pig or eating everything I can get my hands on starting with chocolate my true weak spot of a comfort food. I now get paranoid when I see a white van driving towards me... I am crying right now. I have always had a fear of leaving my house and dealing with people , it was just natural to me now I am petrified.
I hate this. So far when I find myself standing in contemplation of what food to get whether to get any at all I have done better than I thought. Ill tell myself not eating at all will lead to a binge by the end of the night or that binging now just to feel better will only make me feel worse after. I just want to lose this weight so bad I dont want to live like this anymore.
It feels like no matter what I do its not enough or not right or there is a million things to stop me or pull me back to where I started. . Every time I see my reflection I want to die. I don't even know how my husband is attracted to me, maybe Im fooling myself and he isnt. I keep thinking why can't I lose this weight when I have worked so hard to achieve so many other things. It feels impossible, I hate myself right now.