Wow. Just... wow. I'm not sure what I'm trying to post here, or accomplish, or anything. Maybe I want reassurance, or maybe I want to rant, or maybe I'm posting a confession. I'm not sure yet. Let's see where it goes...


I am not yet diagnosed for PCOS. I'm 21 years old, and since I have gotten my very first period at 13, I have been irregular. Three periods a year, give or take. No pattern as far as I know, no consistencies... My father raised me alone since I was 11, and I couldn't even think about mentioning to him that I have irregular periods. I even lied to my primary doctor as a teenager, telling him I was regular, because I was so embarrassed about it.

Did it ever, ever concern me? No! No way! I thought I was so incredibly lucky to not have to deal with that 12 times a year. Two or three alone was too much! How did other women do it? How could they run around and play, enjoy themselves swimming, enjoy vacations, and have intercourse and live carefree lives with all that bleeding going on? I couldn't--I still can't--imagine it.

But as time went on, I had to admit that something was wrong with me. It can't be good, I'm a women after all. Yet I cling for my childhood, I think, and by not having my periods--by possibly being infertile--I can pretend I'm still a careless little girl.

So I put off going to the doctors. There seemed to be no point. I didn't want to be fixed.

I DON'T want to be fixed.

But I went. I saw the OBGYN for the very first time ever two days ago, and told her all my issues. We don't know if I have PCOS yet, but when I mentioned it, she said that she believed that that's what I had. I had a blood test done to rule out some other possibilities (which I'll be getting back sometime this week), and she gave me an ultimatum. Either call her every 90 days that I don't have a period, or go on birth control to help regulate my hormones. I chose the latter. She was a very nice lady, and I don't regret going.

And yet... The possibility of me having PCOS doesn't scare me. It doesn't worry me. I don't even care. This is me, and it's the only me I know, and I love the me I am for the most part. Why would I want to change her?

The possible symptoms of birth control scare me. Weight gain. Depression. Decrease in sex drive. I shouldn't worry about something that might not even happen, but I don't know. And worse of all, regular periods... Will I acquire PMS too? That's not the me I know. Will I become *****y? That's not me either.

Yet I'm willing to take this risk. Why? To help fix my cycle? To protect my uterus and ovaries? No. I do it for those selfish possibilities. Weight loss. Sex. Breast enlargement (a possible bonus). Perhaps the dark, thick hairs above my lip will stop growing.

I feel selfish about it. I feel out of touch. Many women are devastated or hurt to know that they could be or are infertile. It hurts their womenhood. Maybe I don't feel the same way because if I have children, I want to adopt them. But I still feel strange that I can be so out of touch with my problem. Strange that... For the longest time, I embraced my problem.

What's more, returning to the weight issue... I'm so lost there. I really don't weigh that much, and my BMI isn't so high compared to others around here. Even ladies without PCOS. So why aren't I up there? I feel like I eat a lot--a lot of junk, especially--but I'm just not up there. And when I try to lose weight, it's hard, but I see a consistency if I view it just right. I want desperately to blame my extra weight on PCOS... but I don't think I have the right to.

What's kind of funny is that I'm more worried and concerned about NOT being worried or concerned about having PCOS

If you read all this, thank you... I'd appricate... I don't know. Your opinion? Your experience? Guidence? I feel pretty alone. But I also feel SO selfish and so... shallow for not feeling the way I think I'm "supposed" to...

I suspect the reason why you don't really care right now about the consequences of PCOS is a) you haven't been formally diagnosed and b) you are far removed from starting a family and it's not something you have to tackle at the moment.

I spent years with 3-4 periods a year, obesity, acne, facial hair- the whole bit. At 22 I was put on birth control by my local Planned Parenthood with a passing statement of, "you will be saving your fertility". Well, in college at age 22 I didn't pay much attention to that.

The BCP was a miracle drug for me. I was able to lose weight and I felt normal for the first time ever.

It wasn't until this year when I was actually faced with infertility treatment and a formal diagnosis that I chewed on the reality a little more.

You have a very excelent point. Being 21 I feel pretty immortal, and having children is the furthest thing from my mind. I feel like I should feel... less womanly because of this possible handicap(?) but I don't. Age probably has a lot to do with it.

Also, like I mentioned but didn't really emphasized, being a female and being raised solely by a male is REALLY difficult because now I just don't have any way of knowing... what it is to be a women. That's probably a large part of why this is so confusing to me. I know men. I was raised by men. I have male friends. I have and have had boyfriends. But what's it mean to be a woman? I want to be feminine, but I really don't know how I guess it's also hard to feel like something might be wrong... when you're not all that sure what "right" is to begin with.

You know, I never really felt less of a woman because of it either. I don't really know why that is I imagine that being raised by a single dad may have a lot to do with how you feel for sure. I hope you find a course of treatment that you are satisfied with. Good luck!

I have PCOS too. I'm 41 years old, and I have a teenager. I suspect that I have had PCOS since my early 20's. My first husband and I never used birth control and never got pregnant....until I lost about 50 pounds...then I got pregnant right out of the blue.

PCOS is a complicated syndrome. And BTW, you are NOT alone. It is much more common than you may know. Many women don't even know they have it (as in my case years ago) and don't know why they are infertile. My periods were always irregular, but it never bothered me....I chalked it up to "that's the way I am". Personally, I will not take birth control pills even though I have PCOS. The estrogen makes me very emotional and wacky...I cry at the drop of a hat. However, do what you and your doctor decide is best for you.

It IS true that untreated PCOS can cause problems later due to the hormonal imbalances. PCOS'ers have too much estrogen because there's no progesterone to balance it out...due to no ovulation. Too much estrogen...not a good thing.

If you are overweight and lost it, then possibly the PCOS would vastly improve or even be completely corrected. It all has to do with insulin, and when we are overweight and have insulin resistance (which is what PCOS is caused by as far as I know) the extra fat causes excess insulin to circulate in your body, which in turn causes inordinate fat storage....UGH this disorder to such a complicated one.

Just don't feel discouraged or that you are alone!!! Read up on PCOS and maybe consider seeing a doctor who is in favor of natural treatments such as diet, vitamin supplements, and natural hormones. I use natural progesterone cream monthly.

I wish you the best in your journey to deal with PCOS.

I will point out that PCOS has health consequences other than fertility issues...things that will affect quality of life regardless of your plans to have kids or not. Not having a period seems good, but increases the risk for uterine cancers, for example. And PCOS is usually associated with a high risk of diabetes and cholesterol/heart issues. That, for me, was a bigger blow than even the fertility issues...as a gay woman planning to have kids, I KNOW I'm going to require some degree of medical intervention, it's just the degree that might change. But the idea that I can completely overhaul my lifestyle and still end up with heart/blood sugar issues...yeah, that was a rough one for me.

There's no "right" way to feel...about this, or really about anything. You feel what you feel, you know?

Eh. I was raised by a man as well, have no sisters, and all of my close friends are men. You'll figure it out. So many of us have baggage from our childhoods, but generally we muddle along and somehow get through life with our heads on straight. You have to learn a lot of things on your own—I know I did—but you'll do fine. Personally, while I know it would have been helpful to have my mother to talk with growing up, I like the things about me that one tends to find more in men than women, and no one would even know I grew up without a mother unless I told them about it. I *pass* just fine. I even have the biggest shoe collection of any woman I know. But, seriously, feminine is as feminine does. There are innumerable kinds of women, so you blend in fine, I'm sure. Ultimately, I am at peace with how I grew up, and I consider "right" to be being true to who I am.

As for being concerned with fertility, I didn't even want kids until I was 30. I didn't think I'd ever want them. So I think your attitude isn't surprising for someone your age. I'm sorry to tell you you're probably normal. In fact, if you still don't want kids at 30, you'll still be normal.

Try not to stress til you get the DX for sure. :hugs:

You sound normal to me for the age and stage you are at -- in life it is young adulthood. Getting a job, going for higher learning, establishing a home of your own, dating, etc.

You are also in "second adolescence" in biology -- that late teen/20's bit where there's another hormone surge. Not as dramatic as the surge in puberty, but it's another surge. It's a very common time to catch PCOS stuff going on.

I also don't think you sound selfish. Who wants kids at 21? I sure didn't! I did want sex, and I knew that irregular periods meant nothing. You always ovulate BEFORE the period. That window between ovulation and period is when you get pregnant. If anything, irregular periods makes it WORSE because you don't know when you "usually" are ovulating. Charting can help, but in those early days I used both BCP and condoms.

I've used Provera to bring on a period during periods in my life that I was not in BCP to make sure I shed a lining. (reduce uterine cancer risk).

On the weight issue...There's 5 kinds of PCOS patients. With the irregular periods, you may be one of the annovulatory types. So how PCOS manifests in you can be different than the next PCOS patient.

There's also as many ways to be "womanly" as there are women! It is totally fine to be different there too.

• traditional PCOS -- anovulatory, increased androgens, no insulin resistance
  
• endocrine syndrome X -- anovulatory, increased androgens, insulin resistance or type 2 diabetes
  
• non-traditional PCOS --anovulatory, normal androgens, obese, insulin resistant or type 2 diabetes
  
• non-traditional PCOS -- ovulatory, increased androgens, mild insulin resistance
  
• idiopathic hirsutism -- ovulatory, increased androgens, no insulin resistance

Do some reading and see what the results from the doc are.

GL!

A.

To the OP,

I am 35 years old and I relate to much of what you are saying. I am actually not devastated by PCOS, the fact that I may not have kids, and my wacky periods. Sometimes I felt like I should be, or when I try to feel sorry for myself I might think about it.

Like one of the posters said, I am finally beginning to be concerned with the other aspects of PCOS relating to overall health.

BTW, if you get the diagnosis there is no expectation to break down and cry - we all deal with things differently.

All the best