So. Hi.

I've been lurking for a bit and trying to decide what to say, and figured I'd finally just dive in.

I went through some bad emotional stuff in this past year and gained 80 pounds. Yes, in one year. (No medical cause.) I was overweight to begin with, but now I'm nearly at my heaviest weight ever. I can't seem to get started with healthy eating. I lose 5 pounds and then gain it back right away. I've made a few brief attempts at walking, but I have aches and pains all over that make it tough. The pain is weight-related.

One part of me *wants* to get started and feel better and not so tired and not so mad at myself and not so down on myself.

But the other part is very scared to. I'm hiding behind the fat, and I don't want to lose it. It's comforting. It sounds so perversely wrong, but I like the feeling of it, the weight of it.

Can anyone relate? Have you been in my shoes? How do I take that first step?

I think you are taking the first step. You have opened up about a lot. And we are here for you to open up more. I feel, you need to ask why you are hiding behind the weight. I have felt as though I hide behind it as well. I am more and less vulnerable with it, perhaps you know what I mean. I have not defeated that demon yet, but I'm working on it. I believe that I can be the best of me large or tiny. I'm willing to bet you can as well. Believe that you are worth it, because you are, we all are. We truly are. As you read that you may have immediately denied to yourself that you are worth it for x amount of reasons, stop doing that. (if that is indeed what you do, I sense so many of us do) Cognitively think it through. You, sweet woman, are on the right path. Keep going.

You know the good thing about life it that everyday is another chance to fix things and make them right.

Start with today and do the best you can, then tomorrow you do the same thing. You sound like you are on the right track and want to start making a change which is great.

you can totally do it, just put one foot in front of the other!

I certainly do understand some of what you're saying. I've had an emotional/depressive 18 months, during which in the first 6 months I lost 37lbs, in the year that followed re-gained 27.
The number of times I started and re-started here!

I think the only advice I could offer is to keep trying for a first day. Once you've got 1 day on plan - whatever plan you choose - all you need to do is 'just another 1day' over and over again. I know it's a big 'all' - but the support here is second to none!

Good luck!

I would ask you this - is it really all that comforting?

Don't you deserve TRUE comfort? The comfort of good health, self confidence, self worth, self respect, choices, an easier, simpler, less worrisome life? With waaaay fewer aches and pains, the best chance at a disease free life, the optimal you?

I don't know, from what you just briefly described, it doesn't sound as if you are so comforted and comfortable.

I do know where you're coming from though. I too used food to comfort myself and to distance myself from people. But then the price became too high. The consequences outweighed the benefits. I was missing out on too much and life is just too darn short.

And wouldn't you know it? Now, I now find comfort all day long and into the night - not just the short temporary *comfort* of food - by being slim, trim, healthy and just the knowledge that I am *doing right* by my body.

The hardest part is starting and the anticipation of *having to give up so much*. But you will be gaining sooooo much more. You must hang onto that fact. And once you get into it, not stopping and starting like you do when you say that you lose 5 lbs and than regain them - but by continuing on, working past the discomfort of establishing new healthy habits, you will see that it's not so bad. In fact you will discover that adhering to a healthy lifestyle IS the true comfort. And it is nothing to dread, but something to celebrate and revel in. Because it's a wonderful way to live.

When I am depressed, it's the choices that kill me. I remember standing in the kitchen, staring at a pan of ground beef, and having to call my husband in to decide if it was done or not: I was just paralyzed with indecision.

If you have problems like this: you freeze at the grocery store, as every choice of "Chips or no chips?" is an emotional rollercoaster, I really, really recommend a plan. Make it on a good day, when you can make choices, and then, when faced with a choice, FOLLOW THE PLAN. Trust that you made a good call that day and do what you decided. Planning really helps with the stress. Furthermore, get every bad choice out of your house if at all possible. If you can't, put it in a separate place and put those foods off limits forever: they aren't for you. They aren't even an option.

Lots of good suggestions and support here already. The only thing I'd add would be about the walking - even five minutes a day is a start. Or if you are anywhere near a pool and can bear to wear a suit then a lap or two. Just to start. In a week or so you'll be able to do 7 minutes or another lap. And it'll grow. I just got back from a walk with my dogs and the difference from 5 months ago is pretty amazing. But I did it just a little bit at a time.

Oh, and about hiding behind the fat - totally hear you there. I think one of the reasons I can do this now and not years ago is because now I'm over 50 and older women get some of the same anonymity as fat women. But I really really recommend not waiting till you are over 50 to get in shape - it sure doesn't get easier as you get older!

I am not very far into my journey, but I can relate somewhat. My advice is to take it one day at a time. Pick a plan - counting calories, weight watchers or whatever will work for you and just take it hour by hour and day by day. One thing I try to remember when I am making food choices is to ask myself, "Will eating this bring me as much satisfaction as being thin and healthy will?" I don't always remember that, but I am getting better. For me being on plan means staying in my calorie range. I haven't mastered choosing the right calories yet, but I take it day by day.

I can relate to hiding behind the fat. I started gaining weight a couple of years into my marriage. Looking back it was a combination of losing my father and struggling in my marriage. I almost had an affair so I think subconsciously that gaining weight was a way to keep other men away. My marriage has changed over the years and we definitely have had rough patches. The last 18 months though have changed drastically for the better so now I am at a place where I can stop hiding and just focus on being healthy- physically and mentally.

I hope you will stick around. This place is a great support network.

I completely understand what your going through.

I have struggled with depression for a greater portion of my life and had made a conscious decision to let it go untreated by "professionals" since my first experiences with doctors/counseling made things worse. While I felt horrible most of the time, I felt great comfort in eating certain foods. Mostly all delicious foods packed with fat, salt and calories. Not only did I eat when I felt horrible about myself, But also when I felt great about myself and didn't care how I, or other people thought I looked because I felt confident.

Me and my entire family have been overweight/obese for as long as I can remember so it always felt natural for me to be a big girl. Sometimes I took comfort in that because I didn't know what it was like to be thin or look pretty. And like you I have also always struggled with the first step to getting started.

This is what I did to take the first steps and get started on my lifestyle change. (I like to think of it as a lifestyle change because it helps me prepare for my journey mentally opposed to thinking of it as a "Diet")

1) Pick a date: I choose a date to begin my lifestyle change.

2) Research: The day before I start changing my eating habits I do a little bit of research. Am I going to follow a plan? If so, which one? For me, it was calorie counting since I felt it was the easiest for me to follow and it had worked for me in the past. (If you decide to go with a calorie counting diet, one of the best free tools I have ever used was The Daily Plate from Livestrong. It is a site that allows you to track your weight, measurements, BMI, and all the foods you eat on a day to day basis. It also allows you to set up how many calories you should be having per day.)

3) Changing your eating habits: Again I chose to follow a calorie counting plan. Since getting started has always been so difficult for me I found counting calories worked perfectly to get me on track. I find it is very important to only have the allotted amount of calories and don't go over for the first few days. This means I don't have to cut out all the foods I love so much and can still snack on unhealthy foods as long as I didn't exceed my calories for the day. After the first few days I noticed I dropped a few pounds and wasn't deprived. This empowered me to keep on track and start slowly switching to healthier foods. Eventually I started to enjoy healthier options more.

4) Slipups: We all have slipups once in a while and its important to not get discouraged. I find a weight chart helps a lot since I weigh myself every morning. So even though I may gain a bit of weight certain days, I can see that my overall weight is descending.

This is what I did to take my first steps. Everyone is different so you may need to try different things to get you into your lifestyle change. Once you start getting those first few pounds off you will start feeling so much better! And if you don't succeed at first, just keep trying and eventually it will happen!

Goodluck! You can do it!!

There is some really great, heartfelt advice shared here already.

I have to echo the sentiments Robin shared with you. I realized (and it seems you have too) the food was no longer doing the trick for me. The relationship was unhealthy for me--I was spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. The food wasn't worth it anymore. It felt great while I was shoveling it in. Afterwards though, I was even bigger and felt worse than before. The food stopped working. I had to get my "fix" from something else.

I was on and off antidepressants for years. I can say absolutely and with 100% certainty that NOTHING helped me the way that whole foods and exercising and sunshine does. NOTHING. No talking, no pills, no anything can compare with what our generous creator has put right here in front of us.

The "fix" I found in overeating cannot begin to cowar in the shadows of the comfort I have found in truly CARING for myself emotionally and physically.

If this post was a man and I was single - I would marry it.

athena, I could have written your post.

great advice here. the above certainly struck home for me. plod, keep on, believe, have faith. don't be afraid that you can't get back on if you fall off the horse. keep trying, and you'll find your way. don't mean to sound cliched. that really has been what I've done to lose what I've lost so far, as imperfect as I am about it! Best of luck!

OH, man... do I completely feel where you are coming from.

I came on here last year, after a horrible emotional year where I gained most of my weight putting me at my heaviest EVER, lost 20 lbs and then had more crap flung my way, completely fell off plan for an entire year and now I'm back...again.

Now that the proverbal sh** is done hitting the fan I've come back here. I keep trying to make good choices but find myself self-sabatoging; making trips to fast-food, picking up ice-cream, etc. And maybe its because my weight is comfort blanket too. I've come to know how people will react to a fat me, I know what my body will do and what it won't, and I feel like maybe subconsciously I don't want to lose the weight.

You've come to the right place. If anyone understands you its the great folks here on these message boards. They're wonderful!

So stick around, keep in touch, and let's both have a great 1st day tomorrow, what do you say?

I totally understand. It's hard to think of 'starting again'. However, we must never stop 'starting again' because it can be THE TIME that you really make the wonderful permanment changes for living healthfully with food. Never stop trying.

So glad you posted how you are feeling and reaching out. You have gotten very good ideas and advice here. I know it seems overwhelming. But, get through that very first day - this can lead to another and you can build on it. You are so worth any efforts.

I will add this: plan, plan and plan some more. When you plan ahead - then thoughts of food and 'what will I eat' don't spin around in your head all day. It's really a relief to have it all ready figured out.

Every journey starts with one step. You CAN do this.

What an amazing thread! So much good information....and such heartfelt sharing.

Beverlyjoy wrote: "I totally understand. It's hard to think of 'starting again'. However, we must never stop 'starting again' because it can be THE TIME that you really make the wonderful permanment changes for living healthfully with food. Never stop trying."

That is going to stick with me.