I had a horrible week last week. I have been pretty good on program since March 8th, my joining date. I made my house a safe zone with no off program stuff, unless for the kids if I know I will not touch it. Or if I don't crave it.
Well I play yoville on facebook. I have played for almost 2 years and it is my thing. Well they have a special at the area 7-11 convenient stores. I can get new virtual "things" for my games if you buy..... slurpees, big gulps, candy, doughnuts and ice coffee. And I thought chips. But those codes were for another game. So was the ice cream codes! But anyways, I went in there last Sunday and bought stuff. The big gulp went to my oldest son, the candy (the kind I don't like is still in the cupboard) and the chips well, I ate a bag and didn't stop there!
I thought I could manage that night by sending my hubby to work wit the rest of the stuff I shouldn't have. Well the next day he called on his way home from work and asked if I would like more stuff from 7-11. I said yeah I want you to get me the doughnuts, and big gulp codes. Well he found the farmville ice cream and brought that home, and more candy.
Well the kids had the doughnuts after I tried a bite of each one from them. Then I said to myself NO MORE STOP!
I decided to busy myself with Shopping. I went to Ikea and bought stuff then I wanted new shirts from Marshalls. Well they didnt have what I was looking for. So I went and bought myself some socks, and I wanted another sharp knife like the one I had for all my veggies!
I went down the foodish aisle and found a load of cookies, candies and a ton of other stuff I would have never bought from there before. I saw some pecans covered in a sugar and cinnamon and thought pecans aren't that bad! I knew what I was doing. I was convincing myself they were better for me than they were. Then low and behold CHOCOLATE. OMG thats right CHOCOLATE my favorite!! I mean read my signature! I know it is not created equal so for 3.99, for four tiny pieces! This chocolate must be heaven right? It was wrapped in the cutest little box, just the way the designer made it to catch my attention. And it did. It was even tied up with a little bow! How could I say no, for my excuse was I am on my period I deserve this!
NO I deserve to live long enough to see my 4 children's children! I want to be a grandma some day! But I got in the car telling myself that I had found 2 shirts for hubby and I didn't get anything for myself! Remember I bought socks and a knife... but still I NEEDED something! So I got in the car and I was ticked to see two people sitting in their cars next to mine. I felt like they were looking at me! Who were they to ruin my high? ( I know they were just there) BUT I had to have my FIX! I needed my choc. NOW! I opened the cute box and inside the box were 4 tiny indiviually wrapped pieces of chocolate. I unwrapped that first green foiled piece in no time. In my mouth it went and I started up the car. Before I was out of the parking lot I had already devoured 2 more pieces. I was a mess! The fourth piece went to my oldest son when I got home. He loved the box as much as I did. Then I reached in the bag and looked at the pecans, they looked good so I said try one or two and call the other kids in from outside so they could eat them. NOPE I ate the whole frickin box! So then I told myself I would not eat dinner that night that I had had enough!!!
One hour later I ate dinner! Then after the kids went to bed I ate that Ice cream from 7-11 and a bag of sour worms. Okay I only ate 6 of them and threw the rest in the trash! But I had worked hard that week, I had walked/ran my mile everyday and did a pilates work out on top of that! What was I doing to myself?
I called the MRC and talked to my gal on the phone the next day and cried to her! I had been so mad at myself! I needed her to talk me down from my ledge. She said the best things to me, and helped pull me through this.
I now have a safe place in my house where I can go if the urge gets to me. I am fighting food addiction and off program food will not be allowed back in my house again!! I will never be 310 pounds again! I am OP now and I feel great. I want to bottle this feeling now. But I know my battle with food addiction is not over, but I am going to win! thanks for reading .. Angela

Good luck your battle we are all routing for you!

Ugh Angela...what a couple days huh? Good for you for spilling it to the consultant at your center. Thats the best decision you made. They need to know that so they can help you through it. If they suggest a "finding the connections" class, i'd suggest going. I don't do their classes, but that one is taught by a licensed therapist and there are lots of girls around here who have had great lessons learned from this class. I might seek out going myself sometime.

Hang in there. You can do this. You have a goal in mind...to be that grandma...you will be there someday. You'll get yourself healthy and you'll be so proud of that accomplishment.

Angela, I am fighting this too! I have even called a therapist and made an appointment. In the 3 weeks I have been on stabilization I have gained 3lbs! I had to go check in with the center and I laid it on the line to them. I have a problem and I don't think they can fix it for me. The gal got kind of snitty with me at first, but she is someone I had never sat with before either.. She was going to make me re -sign and I told her no. I had to pay for therapy and could'nt do both. So she talked to the manager who knows what is going on and she told me I could do two more weeks and get rid of the weight then start stabilization again. Oh how I feel your pain, I live it everyday! It was really hard to go tell them I was failing this already, but for the most part they were pretty decent about it.. Please feel free to pm me anytime.. Which center do you go to? I go to Beaverton.. You are so not alone my dear.. I am right there with you.. I am glad to hear you are doing better.. You will make it.. There will be some set backs from time to time as I well know..

Cheers!

Ronnie

Angela ... I'm so sorry for how badly you're feeling. You've done really well, so dust yourself off and hop right back on program. You can do it.

I do feel your pain though ... I have HUGE issues with food. I've always said it's my drug of choice. I have gained and lost the same 20 pounds over and over and over and over and over --- you get the picture. I self-sabotage myself all the time, and just don't ever seem to be able to get through it all the way.

Just keep on trying!

Thanks Deb, Ronnie, Hvnlymzic,and Ians mom for your encouraging words.
Just when I think I am having a good day, I am thrown off by something else. I am really letting this Portland weather get to me. I am not trying to make excuses! Ronnie you live here you know it has rained 2 weeks straight! I need some sunshine! I have walked/ran in the rain. I have mowed my lawn in the rain. But darn it give me some sun! I remember the beginning of this program for me was so much easier. I didn't let life events get to me like I am now!
I had a great day OP and then tonight hit and I ran to the cupboard for the only sweet thing left in the house and it was trail mix! Well, all the m and m's are gone out of the entire bag! I mean I just wrote to you all to say how I thought I had this good feeling again! I kept waiting for a break in the rain today to go walking and it never happened. ( I know I could have used an umbrella, hat like I always did b4) I could still do my pilates but instead I am on here feeling sorry for myself. It's almost 10 and I should get off here and go to bed and start over tomorrow. Please sunshine come out!

PS Ronnie I go to the Milwaukee Center, and I have a terrific gal. She did suggest that this is a serious issue I am having, and that MRC is a great place for me to be, but that I basically should look into getting more help out there. So if you have found someone in our area and have been to see them, let me know. I do seriously need help. I mean I have lost 42 lbs and the issues that got me to 310 lbs are still here. In fact I feel them more, now that I am not stuffing my face everyday. (well I wasn't but I am slipping) I need help!

I agree about the rain thing. I am so sick of rain I can't stand it.. This is worse than usual Oregon weather.. It is just never ending.. I think this may be contributing to our mood.. Beaverton gave me the name of a therapist and I will PM it to you.. Try and hang on.. does Milwaukee offer the connections classes? We had a therapist last Summer but she went somewhere and they haven't been able to replace her as of yet.. If you have one at your center make use of it.. I think it would be really helpful.. As soon as I can find that gals name I will let you know. don't give up.. We are right here with you..

Ronnie

ANGELA!,

We are all right there with you. It seems to me that when the "honeymoon period" of MRC is over (worrying about every little bite and how it fits into the program), you have to get down to the hard work of dealing with your new life. I feel that I've been stripped back like an onion to the core, emotionally. Sometimes, I'm happy with what I see, other times, I want to dive into a bag of Doritos. I think an appointment with a therapist is not only a good idea, but a non-negotiable. They will help give you an objective viewpoint. A good therapist will not give you the answers, because you already have the answers inside of you. You just need help pulling them out! Those issues that I had allowed me to get fat, but as Doctor Phil says, "How's that workin for ya?" Well, it's not workin for me anymore. And now, the hard work of healing my body, and more importantly my mind, begins.

Much looooove to you!
Debi in FoCo, Co
(trying to hold on by the skin of my teeth over Mem weekend with family!)

p.s. Vitamin D has been heaven sent for me. I've been on it a month and a half and it has helped my depression so much. Cold Colorado winter really had me down and I won't be going through another indoor season without it!!!
Debi in FoCo, co

Thank you thank you !!
I totally feel you are "spot" on when you say the honeymoon period is over. I was talking with a cousin of mine who started this with me a few days ago and we were wondering how come we did so well in the beginning, but cant seem to do that now. I told her maybe it was like we had a new boyfriend, and we were excited about all the new feeling we got from him. LOL I also made it like my job. I lived and breathed it.
Now I feel I am constantly living to stay on the program everyday when I wake up, but I fall so hard during the evening time. Almost thinking my new "boyfriend/diet" won't see me at night, so I'll cheat here and there!

I have looked into overeater's anonymous and seriously am thinking about going. I have read over their website to see what to expect, and then I got a number for a therapist.

I went out to my first BBQ/Party yesterday. I have not been "out" in years due to my weight! One friend of mine was going, and she invited us to join her there. My hubby and I went and I was terrified about fitting in. I had the time of my life. I didn't even really see much of my friend but I ended up socializing a lot with other people. The 310 lb Angela would have never done that! So I am so glad I went. I ate OP with the first plate of food I had, then by frickin 11 at night I went back for more. ERRR But I am OP today and I am going to do it! I can do this! We all can do anything we set our minds too!
MRC was the best thing that I ever choose to do! With my hard work so far, my life is gradually coming back. So I dont want a few slip ups to take me back forever. I am still in this fight I hope all you gals have a great Memorial day weekend!

You are the 2nd person to mention that in less than 24 hours. Is there a certain type that is better? Thanks again Angela

Angela, I get the vitamin D at the Center.. It seems to help a lot! My Dr told me to take 2000 units so that is the amount of the MRC Vitamin D..
Cheers!

Ronnie

I get my Vit D from a friend who sells vitamins and it's high dose like Ronnie's. The rest of my vits, I buy from the center.
Best,

Thanks Ronnie I will check into it with the center, How did your weekend go?
Best wishes ~ Angela

Thanks for getting back to me. Were you able to hang on by your teeth with Memorial day weekend? I wish you the best as well! Take care Angela