I feel like some of the time my pills work and other times they don't. It depends heavily on if I'm feeling lonely or not. I don't even remember what it's like to feel normal...I'm tired all of the time, when I'm feeling lonely I just cry and cry, sometimes all day long.
I was going to a big state university last semester, where a bunch of my friends went. At that time, it was nice to have my friends with me, but I was also going through a lot with a guy I will talk about later. I decided that school wasn't for me, and I moved. I am now an hour away from home rather than 3 hours, which is nice, but I don't have any friends here. I haven't been able to find a job and its really starting to wear on me. I have a problem with spending too much money, which isn't good, especially when you're living on student loans. I have a 4.0 GPA right now, which is one of the only bright spots for me right now.
So, as for the guy. We met after I graduated high school this summer. We was the drummer for the band that played at my best friend's graduation party, which is where we met. It was like a complete whirlwind romance, i fell hard(!) and fast. However, this man is over 20 years older than me (spare me the mean comments please, its what I like...) He was very apprehensive about us being together because of it. He's also black, which is not a problem for me or my family, however, he's always saying how my family would never accept him and he doesn't want to come between me and my family, etc etc. and no matter how hard I try I can't convince him otherwise. So technically, we were never boyfriend and girlfriend.
When this man is good, let's just say, he is REALLY good. Makes me fall for him over and over again. But when he's not good, he's always saying he'll do things and he never does. He breaks dates with me. He doesn't call when he says he will. And he knows this makes me worry because a few of the times I couldn't reach him, he was in the hospital, and once he almost died. So you would think he would realize that it makes me upset when I don't hear from him. And then he will just call me one day, as if nothing ever happened, as if he didn't just break his millionth promise to me. Recently, he told me he would call me in a couple of days and then I didn't hear from him for a month. He said later that he wanted me to forget about him and find someone better for me. Then one night he called me and asked me to come see him for his birthday. So, being a fool in love, I did. I pretty much broke down and was like, i've tried to be with other people but it never works because nobody is you. And he gave in this time. So he's willing to be in a real relationship with me, which is the answer to my prayers.
However, he's still just like he always was, not calling me when he says he will, I don't see him very often. And in my head I know he will eventually get a hold of me, but after the month of him disappearing off the face of the earth, it makes me feel like i'll never talk to him again. Which again sends me into a spiral of loneliness where I will take any attention I can get from guys. And I do happen to get a lot of attention, but none of it will truly make me happy because I'm just substituting for him. That's not the kind of person I want to be. I just want to be happy. I'm not happy with him, and REALLY I'm not happy without him.
It makes me feel really pathetic that I forgive him over and over. Like a doormat. I believe you teach people how to treat you, and I'm not doing a very good job with him. I want to be strong and stand up for myself, but I'm so desperate to keep him that I don't even care when I'm with him what he's done in the past.
I dunno, I've probably already gone on too long about this, but I just don't have anyone to talk to and I wanted to get it off my chest
Feel better, I understand the medication thing, I was on Prozac for about 7 months and I gained the 42lbs I had lost back. I also understand not being happy with him and not being happy without him, people who are depressed (I am, not saying you are but its seems thats obviously what your saying) are just not happy in general. I have a boyfriend, hes sweet and really a wonderful guy, but sometimes I just want nothing to do with him. Im not happy with him (even though I have absolutely no reason to be) and Im miserable without him. If I were you, i'd ditch this guy. He's obviously not helping your situation. You need someone who is loving and supportive and who understand what your going through mentally and emotionally. Never settle for less than what you deserve. Good luck, no one can really tell you what to do but you. By the way, I love love love your tattoo, I have six myself.
