Hi all,

I've been here on and off now for a while.

I haven't been doing well on my weight loss - been exercising at least. But I've been in this relationship for 1 and 3/4 years and lots of it has been very good - we have fun together and all.

I really need to get your thoughts.

I'm 46 now and almost 47 he's nearly 50 (this oct) and he lives with me. He doesn't pay for anything never has offered - and doesn't seem to share the same financial goals. Due to mistakes in his past he's not corporate material but has had a small construction company for a while - he seems to have this view that he shouldn't want to make $ - but with no retirement saved up and no interest in doing so i worry that he's relying on me - he says he isn't but he isn't even at this point going to qualify for social security.

When he is between jobs he isn't out there pounding the pavement goes to the gym - sleeps late - lately this is making me nuts. He makes me feel like i'm overly materialistic because I worry about these things - and when i bring them up he gets defensive and tells me that he just feels like he needs to be a good person in life.

I just don't think i can deal with it any more - it'd be one thing if he took care of all of the house work etc but i get "I'll help you clean the house" - that makes me nuts - it's 1/2 or more his mess.

am i being too unreasonable ? Please be honest with me - this is making me absolutely nuts - i don't know what to do - am i a bad person because i want him to pay his own way - have a financial plan ?? work at it?

sad and frustrated - but this seems to be a pattern in my life. ugh.. and how do you kick someone out of your house? when you still care about them but it's just not going to work as it is?.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

maybe i am just a bad person who's bought into too much of this materialistic society

ugh

SillyCat,

You are not be unreasonable at all. I do not believe it is material things you desire, but a partner that is willing to "work at it" as much as you are. From the way your post read it seems like you'd rather him make no money a year being productive, than a million a year doing what he's doing.

Maybe you could sit down and have a really serious talk with him. I bet if he knows how you truly feel--all the emotional stuff--he'll be willing to work on it.

I hope everything gets better! *hugs*

I am going to have to talk to him - I can't keep going this way. I hope that he sees that he has got to be serious about doing something. and focusing on it until he is successful at it whatever it is.

and not being completely dependent on me. it wears me out being responsible for the 2 of us

The sooner you talk to him the better. Having said that, before you talk, have set in your mind what is acceptable to you and how much time you are going to give him to be responsible. My opinion, just from what you said is that he is totally taking advantage of you. I have a feeling you must even be paying for his gym membership as he has little money coming in.
I really believe Dr. Phil is right when he says we teach people how to treat us. You seem to have taught him it is ok for you to carry the financial burden plus take care of the house. Maybe it was one of those things where everything was great in the beginning and he slowly let you take on more and more without you even realizing it. The first thing I would do is insist starting today that he do the majority of the housework. Things like gym memberships are a luxury when you aren't working. No reason he can't workout at home, jog, walk etc. Sorry, if I sound too tough. Please keep us posted. Having said all the above I am assuming he doesn't have serious physical or mental problems or severe depression. If so, he needs to get help. If you can't stand up to him you might want to look into couples counseling or even counseling for yourself as I am wondering if you have accepted the relationship because you have low self esteem. Take care of yourself.

I guess it comes down to what is the biggest priority to you if nothing were to change?

Are you happy in your relationship and content to stay if things never changed?

Or do you feel ilke if things didn't change, would you wonder why you didn't change the relationship sooner?

everyone has different needs - be honest with yourself, you can only lie to yourself so long...what do you want in a relationship? what do you need in a relationship? and what's not worth it in a relationship?

often times we know the answers that work for us, and asking others to validate those feelings -- but hon, only you truly can know what works for you...

fear of being alone?
fear of not having enough money?
fear of being resentful?

good luck

If he were refusing your food and shelter then he could be claiming to be non-materialistic - but if he is benefiting from YOUR labor, he's the worst kind of materialist there is, a person who takes but doesn't give back.

It's easy to be non-materialistic when someone else is paying for your food, shelter and all of your living expenses AND (likely) doing your laundry and cleaning up after you (even half the time).

A "good person" doesn't live as a parasite. A good person contributes equally to all of his or her relationships.

Someone expecting or even allowing someone to give them a "free ride" isn't a good person. They're being a parasite. What value does he think he brings to the relationship. Is he so amazingly charming, entertaining, and such a joy to be around that his mere presence is contribution enough?

It's an abusive relationship. Not sharing the responsibilities of a relationship, but drawing all the benefits is abusive. And "he helps a little, once in a while" isn't sharing the responsibilities.

It's a little late for him to be learning how to be an adult, and you're not going to be able to teach him while allowing him to live responsibility free.

You kick him out, by asking him to leave and by calling the police if he doesn't. Because he isn't contributing to the household, I believe he would be considered a guest in your home (meaning you can have him removed for trespassing if he refuses to go) - but I may be wrong so know your rights (call the police and ask).

How much time you give him to move is up to you, but if you care about him don't you want him to learn to be an adult? And what do you love about him - that he treats you as his meal ticket (literally) and doesn't love or respect you enough to make his presence a blessing in your life and not a burden. That he is so selfish that he takes more than he gives.

You are not a bad person. Your friend , however is another matter. I would call him a freeloader. And a lazy one , to boot. Time for him to go. You deserve better.

This guy is using you honey. Please ask him to leave. You're NOT materialistic at all. You know who is materialistic? The woman who asks for the latest car, handbag, biggest house etc. You're far from materialistic dear. You're being responsible by questioning wether you can fund his idle life or not. And you have a right to tell him to take responsibility. He has a roof over his head and food in his stomach that YOU paid for right? Be firm and kick him out. You're doing him a favor by forcing him to make a change for himself.

I feel much more empowered now and when i read your responses i wonder what on earth i was thinking. How i could feel guilty for being a responsible adult and expecting the same from my partner.

things started out differently with him volunteering to do things fix things and all that just went away - i think that at the least it's time for him to get his own place again and to move on.

Thanks all - I'll let you know how it goes - I am having dinner with a girl friend tonight but I will take care of this THIS weekend.

C.

CAT-Best of luck with it. You'll do what's right after you have a chance to decide and think and weigh your options. I hope you're having a great time with your friend.

Barb

Sillycat - I am probably the LEAST qualified person to comment on a relationship (20 yr marriage, DS10), but I may be able to give you a little picture of where you might be headed if you don't address this. In my house, I work full time, including a 40-minute commute each way. I handle all of DS10's homework, I pay the bills, I take out the trash, I clean all the dishes, I do all laundry, I manage all incoming mail, I mow the lawn and I do 80% of the grocery shopping. Spouse will cook exotic, involved (and yes, delicious, high-calorie) meals, but I do all the cleanup and I generally do the week-day leftover warmups. Any attempt at suggesting that the workload be modified is met with "STFU".

I firmly believe that the marriage will not be saved without a 3rd party referee and a 4-6 month separation. I certainly hope that you can be wiser than I, and address your situation before you get to this point.

Hugs! Don't let this resentment fester - it does NOT get better with time, or by shoving it under the rug!!!

I have 2 words for you. Couples counseling.
If he won't go, go by yourself.
Best of luck

Please do me a HUGE favor... Read what you wrote and imagine your very best friend was telling you all this stuff... What would you tell her she should do? You LOVE your best friend! You don't want her to be used. You want her to have it all!

Now heres the HUGE favor...

BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND!

I'm new here and am going to reply to SillyCat also, but when I read your post it broke my heart!!! I was in a marriage like this and I KNOW what's it's like.

No advice or suggestions, just lots of hugs. Since I'm now divorced, I obviously can't offer any marital advice, just say that in my case, it was SUCH a relief to only have to take care of myself and my 2 kids - and not the other BIG KID (aka husband).

SillyCat,

I agree with the other posters. You are NOT too materialistic - you are being used. I imagine, like me, you are a kind person and that makes it easy for people to take advantage of us. I know cause I've BTDT.

I'm now older and a little wiser (I hope). Altho I still catch myself wanting to please everyone but myself.