I am so miserable right now, I feel like I could eat everything in sight. Actually, I just ate a rasperry fruit bar thing and I'm having a cup of hot cocoa. I'm in a dull, boring marriage (8-1/2 yrs) that I never should have gotten into in the first place. I'm feeling trapped, unable to change my life. There's someone I work with who brightens my days, but he's married, too (and a slim to nothing chance of that changing). I don't know what keeps me going. Food?

Just needed to share, thanks for listening. And no (unfortunately) -- divorce is not an option.

Hi HollyGirl,

Sorry to hear about your saddness. If divorce is not an option, then I would suggest you work really hard on your relationship. If communication is a problem then get someone involved to help the two of you do this. (A Therapist). The marriage is only as dull and boring as you make it, no one said this would be easy, it is a job in itself. Don't resort to food, this will only complicate matters. You will go from hating your marriage to hating yourself.

If a therapist is not an option for you, then go to the book store. There are so many self help books. In fact, there is one I will recommend to you, just can't remember the author's name, so I will post it tomorrw for you. Have to find the book, my husband is sleeping right now in our room. Anyway, I am serious about this, reading will not only enlighten you as to how to go about fixing things it will also keep you from eating (hopefully) LOL

I am no expert, I am only here to tell you that any relationship that is not harmful physicaly or mentally is worth saving. There was something there once or else you wouldn't be together. So try to find it and nurture it. I have been married for 31 years and have 4 beautiful children. It wasn't always blissful, but we worked through the tough times and now that the children are grown we are working on a new phase in our lives and getting back what we had, just the two of us.

What you are experiencing is very common you are not alone. But once again, you have to work for this marriage and you have to work to control the eating as well.

Nothing comes cheap or easy. LOL

I hope I didn't preach too much...I am a strong advocate of trying to save relationships, I have seen too many people walk out of their situations only to jump right into another with the same bad habits and it's only a matter of time before they are dealing with the same issues over again.

Boy, I was full of it tonight...must be a full moon or something.

You take care and I will send you the name of that book, it is worth reading. It not only is helpful reading it is also interesting and fun. It's my bible for a successful marriage. LOL


Meg

Hi Holly,

Sorry to hear that you are unhappy. Have you tried to pinpoint the reason. Is it you? Is it hubby? is it both? I know its hard but try to think about the reasons you married him in the first place. Every marriage hits its highs and lows, this is common. Things become routine and boring yes but its up to you and him to change it. Try to make small changes at first BUT I think the first thing you two should do is TALK TALK TALK to each other !! Silence is golden but it can be distructive too. When I feel like you, I make sure I talk to my hubby. Sometimes it seem like he's not listening but then a week or two later, things change. I think men need time to think about things where women want things to change overnight. I've been married for 12+ years and we've had many highs and lows but I sit back and say to myself I married him because ..... ..... ..... ...... ...... and I try to rekindle those feelings. Some times the grass isn't always greener on the other side but I feel that I need to change my way of thinking before things can change in our marriage. I can honestly say I love my husband more today then when we first got married. We've been thru alot together and I think about that and it makes us stronger.

Okay enuf of me rambling on, I hope this made sense.

Good luck, Love, Leens

Not much I can add Hollygirl!!! meg and leems said it all and very well, do think back to the time that you first knew you loved him, and grab hold of that feeling, pretend that you have those feeling and work with them. I've been married to a great boring guy also for many years, and when I get feeling sorry for myself, I give mayself a quick kick in the butt, because this boring guy, is a steady hard working attractive man that loves his family to death, he just isn't social and is very quiet, like meg said, if he has good qualities other wise your ahead of the game, better than a wife beating run around drunk that is social. Jill

Hi Holy and everbody else!!

Holly from the day I got married i have put on 60 pounds!! I have never been so miserable. I always thought if i had the hubby, the kids , the house and car i would be happy!! My huby and i are just so badly matched!! (he is from a different country and i am one all american gal!!) SO i can toally relate wiht the realtionship thing.

You know though..it is so easy to leave a marriage..so hard to stay. ANd i know you feel this way too!! especially if you have kids. My children ADORE thier father!!

I kinda had aflirtation too..and you know what. This guy turned out to ba a loser. What kind of person wants to break up two families??

It is so easy to be lured away by someone who promises you the moon. But trust me..the moon is not what they are offering.

I have no idea what your issue are wiht your huby. ALot can be solved by talking.by geting therapy and..BY BEING HAPPY!!!

I suspect that you lost YOURSELF when you got married. That you forgot how to love yourself. Just like me. My hubby cannot make me happy. My friend sure as **** didnt. The only person who has the switch on your lightbulb is you.

I know I sound like a know it all. If your hubby is abbusive eihter verball or physically..bay all means get OUT!!!

But this person who makes you feel better...welll he will still be there when both of you divorce. Dont do this to your kids or his..until you have made a clean break.

I hope to hear from you soon!!! Tracy

Hi Holly

You know what? I don't think that you will find the answer to your problem in any self help book. You might, but it also might make you look into your problem too deeply. Then you feel you have problems that weren't there before. Every person and relationship is different so no rules apply. All you can really do is listen to advice, but not take everything as gospel.

The addage "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" is true. Think about how you would feel if they really were gone. If this makes you relieved and happy then you know what is best for you. Also, what if they left tomorrow and the shoe was on the other foot? Would it upset you to hear them say they were leaving you?

The best way to find out is to start separating your life by doing things without your partner and to not automatically think of them as well as yourself. Women have a hard time doing this I think, but it comes naturally to men. Working on your friendships with others you might of neglected makes it easier. Once you have stepped outside your boring confines of same ol, same ol, you'll either appreciate the comfortability and boringness of coming home to someone you've known for so long or decide it's time to move on.

Good luck in your your quest for happiness
SAS1

P.S. This is just what helped me realise my partnership of 4 years was not worth giving up on. You might have different circumstances, but over the period of time you have stated, a rut is very easy to get into.

Holly

I forgot to mention that most men are terrible at talking to us simply because, to them a situation is black and white. I think women see grey because they are more in touch with their emotion. When emotion is brought into the picture most reason flies out the window. It always helps me to try and disassociate my feelings and look at problems as simply as possible. i.e. sometimes I can make a mountain out of a mole hill. If I stand back and look at my problem in black and white I see I make a big deal out of something I thought was the end of world when really it's a trivial matter and can ALWAYS be fixed.

Don't watch too many movies or read too many books. Or you'll start thinking that love is something that has to be perfect when it can really be just the opposite as well sometimes.

S

Thanks to all who have taken the time to post to my reply. Here's a couple of other thoughts (it's 2:46 a.m. here, and I can't sleep) ...

I posted originally that I shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. I KNEW before I got married that this was true, because my husband-to-be irritated me even then. BUT I went ahead because I just absolutely knew that it would be the only chance I'd ever have to get married. Hah. I was 32 after all, he paid attention to me, so I convinced myself that this was what God wanted for me. In retrospect, I know that I was wrong. But that's why divorce isn't an option -- I made a commitment to God as well as to my spouse.

In the meantime, I just keep eating and eating. Why would I want to lose weight? Even if I drop back down to 140, I'll still be married. And I'm afraid that I'll get the attitude of "hey, I deserve something better than this." Staying overweight might be what's keeping me married. Who else would want "fat" me?

This probably doesn't make sense, but maybe it does. Anyway, thanks again for taking the time to post.

Oh Holly!!

hI got married at 29 and my hubby is 9 years older.. I thought oh how roamtic..but the point is that it is almost a decade and it does make a difference.

Why did you get married??I just had a baby so my situation does not count?? Are there no good points about your hubby ..or maybe remember the first time youn fell in love??

Your story is making me cry!! Define why he irritates you??What exactly are your pressure points. I caanot believe that God is so unreasonable that he want you to be MISERABLE youw whole life.

Please tell me your story. I know we all would love to heat it.

Sas..thank you for your comments. I can actually use them in my marriage too!!

I am thinking of you Holly!! Tracy

Hi Holly

I live in Australia, and as a child I was brought up as a Roman Catholic who said their prayers morning, noon and night. Now I am a person who believes in god but I don't think he expects us to worship him at every given moment (i.e. I don't go to church). After all, I don't think he intended for us to only pray in elaborate rooms but from our heart wherever we are. Although I am not religious, I believe. I believe that god died for our sins and he wants us to be happy.

I find it hard to beleive that your reasons for not leaving your husband is because of God. If he is the person we all beleive in, then he will forgive us because first and formost comes our happiness.

I don't want to offend or insult anyone. I have noticed that a lot girls on here are from the states and have left a religious note of mention. I don't know anyone personally that puts religion at the top of their priorities. Maybe I have seen too many people fight because of their faith (think of Jerusalem) in today's world? Or is it just because down here we take things too easy? It's probable that the bible was written as a guideline for the morals and ethics of society. I am pretty sure that your god is the same as mine, and if so he would never want to be the underlying cause of your unhappiness - he loves you no matter what!

Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Of course there are plenty of people out there who will love you fat or no fat. You have to love yourself before anyone else can. (Ha easier said than done). Don't feel guilty for having these thoughts about doubting your marriage or for upsetting God. These things are probably what make you want to eat. You are finally letting out thoughts and feelings that may have been repressed for a long time. Maybe if you gain the courage to act on your feelings you will begin the process of healing (or eating less). For example: if you keep cutting your finger with a knife, your solution would be to put a band-aid on the cut (short term answer). The wound may heal but this will not take away the problem - it will only keep happening. Take away the knife and the cut will heal. Don't be scared of believing in yourself.

SAS

P.S. Don't a lot of people today get an annulment these days instead of a divorce to save having any problems with god and the church?

Tracy

Thanks for your acknowledgment. It's great to know that I can share experiences and thoughts that others may benefit from. I really love the fact that we can all share opinions. I don't just have my limited number of friends to talk to anymore (who just don't have problems like I do with weight). I have actually been looking forward to coming home to look at all the wonderful insight I gain each time I log on.

SAS

Me too sas!!

I love to post (um not that anyone can tell by my numbers !!!)

I hop you will post more about your life. I am not being nosey but at least here..well no one know you..so you can bent..and not ahve it make the front pages of your paper@@ I am glad we have met!! Hope to hear from you soon!!! Tracy

Hi Tracy

I have posted other bits of info about my life under different catergories. I think there is one about depo provera in dieting and health issues and also you may have already read my info regarding dieting drugs (duromine).

It's a little hard to tell your stories without feeling embarressed. At the time it is easy to spill when you've read so many other's, but each time I log on I wonder if I have written too much the last time I was on. Not that I have made that many posts! But I don't want to peeve anyone off with my views. I really try to curb them (my opinions) when I write. So I am sure I will write more as time passes, I just hope that sick feeling I get goes away when I realise I have confided my feelings with goodness knows who.

SAS

Howdy Sas!!

I understand about posting. But you know..our past is what amkes us..be it good or bad. ANd in actulaity...it does make us stronger. I would not be the person i am today if not for my mistakes. Though i CRINGE at some of them...i know i learned at leaste one thing. NOt to do them again!!! So...never be ashamed of your past...jus think..wow..glad i am NOT that age again!!! I hope to hear from you soon!!! Tracy

Hi SAS,

You won't "peeve" anyone off here, as you said, they are your "views". As long as we all respect the fact that we all have different "views" then no on gets offended. No one is right and no one is wrong, we all have experienced different things and I think it is nice that we can share what has worked for us, leaving the option for someone else to think about. Whether they choose to go there is up to them, but at least we shared. That is what this is all about. So please continue to post with us and don't be afraid to speak your mind.

Have a nice day~~~~~~Meg