I didn't know where else to post this but the chatter section because there's not, that I'm aware of, an actual forum for relationships and the like.

Yes, I'm talking about "that" kind of obligation, the obligation some of us feel to "perform" for our husbands whether we want to or not.

I don't know, maybe no one else feels the way I feel, although I'm really hoping I'm not alone.

To put this as openly as possible without being too blunt, I don't desire sex with my husband anymore. Well, we're not technically married, but we've been together 16 years and have a son together, who is 7 years old. My 'husband' still desires me but I don't desire him. In fact sex with him, just the thought of it, repulses me and anytime I do it, which isn't very often, it's because I'm "performing my duties" to keep him somewhat satisfied and can't wait until it's over.

I don't need advice or criticisms, I just want to know if any other women feel the same as I do. I feel completely alone in this world

Well, I haven't been in a relationship for a long time so I don't really have the opportunity to feel that way! But I do remember a friend of mine talking about his relationship with a long-time girlfriend and he said, "You know you're heading for the rocks when sex becomes something you feel you should do instead of something you want to do."

Do you still care about him emotionally? Are you still attracted to him at all, or is it more of an all-around lack of interest? Do you remember anything in your life that changed around the same time you stopped wanting him? I'm sure there's more to this than just the leaving of lust.

Exactly.

Yes, I still care about him. And I do still love him as a person and we get along just fine most of the time with only the normal little spats here and there. But no, I'm not attracted to him sexually. I haven't been for a long time. I don't know when it ended, exactly. It just ended.

Like I said, we get along fine, we go out together with friends, we get along normally at home, nothing much has really changed. But my sexual desire for him has been gone for quite a long time now. I attribute it to normal boredom. Because I DO find myself checking out other men. So it's obvious I'm just bored with the sex thing. I've even told him, because I don't want him being miserable without a normal sex life, to go find someone else to play with. I think that's mostly because I feel so much guilt for not "giving it up" as often as he wants me to. It honestly wouldn't bother me if he found someone on the side. In fact I wish he would!

How crazy is that? LOL

I've been married for 10 years and while I still desire my husband, his attitude towards me some days turns me against him. Especially on those days when he gets his attitude and then says "give me some" like I should when he totally grossed me out. Yeah, he's a drinker and it seems like he only wants it when he's drunk. Then he can't perform and blames it on me.

Or I approach him and he pushes me away. When I do want it, I get more rejection and who wants that all the time. So I basically hope he doesn't want it. But when he bugs and bugs me about it, yeah, I'm like you, I do it to get it over with.

Last time we attempted to have sex was the superbowl. I was ready and he fell asleep. Then blamed me for not giving it up. I slapped him and walked out of the room.

I'd be happy with no sex. Women don't "need to have it" like men do. I sort of feel like "a piece of a**" when he says "give me some".

Men - who needs them. I'm concentrating on me! Good luck, sweety, I know what you're going through.

There are a lot of physical and emotional factors that can cause libido to plummet, so I agree you should consider and address those factors before deciding that it's a permanent discrepancy in the relationship or that there aren't alternatives.

Almost from the time we met, my husband had the far weaker sex drive. Talk about blows to the ego for us both, and making us both feel like freaks. To make it worse, when I was on Meridia (as is common on serotonin affecting drugs), it put my sex drive into overdrive. When I went off Meridia, he even pleaded with me never to go back on it.

With both of us now having health, pain, and medication issues that lower the sex drive, we're better matched, but we're also in "once in a blue moon," mode. To be blunt, and probably with excessive TMI, we've had to adjust our attitudes, expectations, and definitions of sex and intimacy. The chance that both of us are going to have "a really good time," is pretty low since the energy we have to put out, tends to diminish returns. So we "take turns" as to which of us will be the active or passive participant. Whose "turn" it is is usually based on who is most "interested," and what that person is interested in, rather than who did what "last time"). Ok, I know I'm heading into dangerous TMI territory here, but taking turns being the generous/selfish one has really helped us adapt to our physical (and state of mind) limitations.

As for redefining sex, recently, about the "sexiest," thing I enjoy is a soft back rub, so if I'm wanting "my turn," this is often what I request, rather than more typical activities. Even hubby has learned to follow suit, often asking for a back rub or cuddling and a movie in bed, as the "main event," not just as foreplay. We also had to learn to plan and negotiate, because there are times that the one "not as interested" just isn't up to "activities," on the spur of the moment. At first it felt really weird, and completely unromantic to "plan" for sexual "play dates," but as we got more comfortable with it, it's actually become fun, almost like dating again. We'll actually pick a day and time and actually write "foolin' around" in our appointment calendar a few days in advance. It gives us both a chance to "get in the mood." If when the time came, one of us wasn't feeling up to what we'd planned, it was kind of demotivating at first, but now we just tease each other and "reschedule."

Just a thought...I think our hormones as women go in different directions as we get older and out of child-bearing years. I know my sex drive is WAY lower than it was when I was younger. I think our female bodies are saying, "Well, the baby making years are over, so no need for THAT anymore!" or something to that effect...whereas a man's testosterone never lets up their whole lives and this ends up with unbalance in a relationship. I would talk to your gyno about it and see what he/she recommends. Maybe some homiopathic (is that right?) remedies might help, but maybe something stronger like a hormone supplement might be inorder. There is something from the makers of Enzyte that is for female libido, but those types of over the counter meds make me nervous.

Aww, I'm sorry

I know that's got to hurt.

Yep. Me too.

Oh my!

Oh I hate that. My 'partner' (husband isn't really accurate and "boyfriend" just seems so high school!) used to be a groper. I can honestly say that's probably where the attraction to him started to wear off. He'd come up behind me while I was doing dishes or something and grab my crotch or my breasts. I've finally broken him of doing that, but now there's just nothing there at ALL for me anymore.

You know, that's a very good idea. Sometimes *I* like to be the initiator, but I never get the chance because he's usually all over me.

And it's not TMI. I fully appreciate you taking the time to write all of that out because it gives me a chance to look at different perspectives.

Actually I'm willing to bet that MANY couples 'plan' play dates. And there's nothing wrong with that at all. In fact I think it's a wonderful idea.

My problem, though, is I just don't feel like 'playing' anymore.


I say whatever works for the couple is what they should go with

LLV,
Am I mistaken or did you say you weren't happy with your relationship before? And that you were really only there because of your shared child? Maybe I am mistaken or I misread some previous posts. Maybe you just aren't happy.

I also think sex drives do vary in men in women. I actually have a stronger one than my DH but I think I've been able to bend a little to meet him and he's been able to bend a little to meet me. I think he also hopes mine wanes

Yeah, that I'll totally agree with.

But see, this is where my trouble lies - it's not that I've lost my libido. I still go bananas when I see a good looking man and, well, my mind wanders. So it's not that my sex drive is GONE. It's just not directed, any longer, at the man I'm living with.

There's a guy in our neighborhood I occasionally talk to (just on a friendly note) and he's so cute and when I see him I think yeah, I want that.

So, again, my libido is just fine. That isn't the problem. The problem is I'm just totally bored with - well, I'll put this as mildly as possible - bored with eating the same steak for the last 16 years.

Yes, that was me. And yes, I'm still stuck in the same situation.

Don't get me wrong, ok? This is a very tough thing to explain. I'm content with my current situation. I'm content with my living arrangements, I'm content with my social relationship with said partner - I'm just not content sexually. My posts before about this situation were confusing because I was confused. Well I'm not confused anymore. I figured it out. I want sex with someone else.

It's really just as simple as that.

However, I know I'd never have the guts to do it.

Oh My Gosh!!!! I totally thought I was alone in this one. Thanks
for letting me know that I am not.

I have been married for 14 years and we have two children together. I do still love and care for him but I try almost everything to avoid "it". I have a husband who thinks nothing of calling me names (not nice ones either) and then later on think that he can put his hands all over me and tell me what a great body I have. Apparently he does not get that the nasty things that he says to me completely turns me off even though I have expressed this to him some how it goes in one ear and out the other.

I don't know and maybe I shouldn't say this but sometimes I think that if we had no children I would not still be married-

Anyway- thanks for letting me vent I feel a little better now.

It's the day to day stuff that kills the zing of a relationship. You are not alone; a lot of us have been there.

If you want a renewed loving relationship with your husband, start by remembering how you felt about him at the beginning when he was your lover. Bringing all those wonderful, sexy memories to mind will help you look upon him more kindly.

Then just do it. Have sex with him and focus on what makes you feel good. The more time that passes without intimacy the harder it will be for the two of you to reconnect. Don't think of it as an obligation, but as a chance to rekindle some of those old feelings, to renew your bond with your lost best friend.

I used to be totally annoyed when my significant other would grab me while I was doing dishes or some chore...but then I thought, "Hey, I'm still desirable. That's a good thing."

(I do want to say that there are a lot of older women out there having good sex. It isn't necessarily one's age that diminishes sex drive; it's the responsiblities, the obligations, the demands of everyday life that push intimacy to the back burner.)

If that doesn't work, my girlfriend always says the best aphrodisiac is a new man. (Just kidding!) But there is some truth to that and one way to turn it around is to reinvent your husband as your NEW MAN.

Good luck, dear. I hope things get better for you.

I have to disagree that a woman having a low libido always means that things are "on the rocks".

I have an extremely low libido, honestly-I haven't "wanted" any in well over 7 years. Seriously. I am completely content with hand holding, cuddling, talking, and all of those intimate things.

I don't know why my libido is so low...it just is, and has been for as long as I can remember. My libido started getting low when I was around 20 years old or so...so given the age when I started becoming active in that way-I only had a couple good years.

I just don't desire it. It has nothing, in my case, to do with my husband. He is attractive, funny, I think he is sexy, adorable, and we are best friends. I find him attractive-and am affectionate to him as far as coming up behind him and hugging and smooching on him-I just have no desire for it to go further than that. I had relationships before my husband-and it was the same way-so it has nothing to do with whether I am happy with my partner or not.

I guess I just feel love in different ways-and sex isn't one of them. I would go to the end of the earth for my husband...and I am always making him things, giving him little presents and notes/cards...and otherwise showing love-but I just have no desire in the sexual area. None.

It feels like a chore-and I actually feel at times like when it does happen, that it is taking time away from me that I could be doing something more productive/enjoyable with-such as reading, SLEEPING, a chore that needs to be done, etc.

It is absolutely AMAZING that we have the last two out of our three children-but they were both conceived on the first try-amazingly enough.

There are lots of women, and men, who have similar problems.

Oh! Most definitely here too. In fact we DID split up once, years ago. But we still remained friends. One night we got together, had a few too many, and ended up in the sack. That's when I got pregnant with our son (something I've NEVER regretted because I love my baby more than life itself). So for him, my son, we stayed together. So maybe that's where we screwed up. Because, at the time I got pregnant, neither one of us were really interested in a relationship.

Vent all you want! This is what I'm looking for, stories of those who are in a similar situation