Hi peeps .. this is not a positive post .. so if you arent in the right frame of mind for something depressing please dont read on ..

I have just done something I have been telling myself not to for the last 2 hours ... I have just eaten a whole bag of 12 Snicker mini bars ... and have also discovered because of this that I am another emotional eater.

2 hours ago I was told that my 11 year old nephew is losing his battle with leukemia and chances are high he wont make it to Monday. Im devastated .. not that I have spent much time with my nephew .. in fact I havent seen him in about 7 years!! But from when he was first diagnosed at 5 I have done what I could from the distance I am from him to let him know I am thinking of him and have had fundraisers etc to get him fun things to do and have in hospital as he is in there so often.

When he was diagnosed just after his 5th birthday we were terrified thinking the worst but praying for the best .. we were fortunate enough to find a donor from Australia for him! He had the transplant as well as all the chemo etc that goes with it and all went well. Last Xmas we were told he had the all clear and he should have no more problems. We were elated, thought we had fought the demon and beaten it with our prayers, medical intervention and positive thinking.

Just before he turned 11 in September last year he became ill .. and we were stunned. The doctors said he had it again .. but they werent sure if it was the same strain, so here we go again we thought, only this time .. it was a tougher demon.

We almost lost him twice last year, he had his transplant again and we crossed fingers and prayed that he would survive the procedure. He fought like the little trouper that he is .. and came through the operations and chemo. But infections hit him and it has been touch and go for the last few months. Last month he was airlifted to Starship Hospital in Auckland from the hospital in Christchurch which is where he had received the majority of his care. He was put on life support and we thought this was it and so had to wait to hear what was happening.

A couple of weeks ago I was told he was off the ventilator, we thought hey great .. he is doing it again .. he is gonna beat this bacteria that was trying to take him out. Yesterday I was told he was in critical condition .. and tonight I have been told the doctors dont think he will make it to Monday!

I have been cursing for about an hour .. WHY is a big one in my vocabulary at the moment .. Tyler (Lil T as I call him) has been fighting for his life pretty much for the last 7 years .. and its not fair that after all that he has been through that he has to die.

I start thinking about how petty some people are .. here I am worrying about a few pounds .. or eating a bag of snickers .. what the **** am I doing killing myself slowly with food and being unhealthily overweight when this little boy wont even get a chance to go to college .. have a 16th .. a 21st ... live a dream or achieve any more goals. How dare I!

How dare I lie around the house because I cant be bothered to go to the gym when he doesnt have an option and I know he would have loved to do the things I take for granted and cant be bothered doing.

I am so frustrated and angry .. and sad .. and depressed ... but I know I have to be strong for my family because they are falling apart.

My only consolation ... Lil T is going to be with grandad .. he always called Lil T "My Little Man"... and Lil T wont hurt and have to fight for much longer .. as much as I dont want him to go .. I really dont want him to be in any more pain.

Im sorry about this peeps .. I just had to get it out or I would attack whatever else is in my cupboards .... not that Im not still tempted .. but this has helped me control it a little more...

Thank you to everyone who said a prayer for Tyler .. myself and my family appreciated all of your comments and prayers .. if you could pray for a peaceful and painfree end that would be appreciated too.

Love & Hugs to everyone

Your Friend in New Zealand

Katt

Katt, I'm so sorry, it's so unfair that these things happen, especially to children. Sorry doesn't really cover it but if you need a moan, cry, whatever PM me. I can't know what you're going through but I can 'listen' & give you virtual hugs. Try not to be so hard on yourself; I'm an emotional eater, but when I break a plate or have a 'bad' day; looking at losing your nephew is something else entirely. If you weren't devastasted THAT would be a real worry.xxxxxxxxx Can't think of anything else to say, but I'm thinking of you & hoping you can get through this.
xxxxsharon

Katt - I am so very sorry for you and your family.

During times like this it is normal to wonder "WHY?" and normal to feel a bit helpless and YES guilty for surviving when an innocent child is dying. It simply is NOT fair.
As far as the eating goes. I am an emotional eater and I am not sure I would have been able to stop with the candy. Letting yourself vent is healthy.

I will keep Tyler, you and your whole family in my thoughts and prayers. Having been through terminal cancer with my mother-in-law, you really do not know how stressed out you were until after your loved one passes.

Hang in there. I know its not easy

Katt == Big from here. First, don't worry about those snickers. Sounds like it's not a completely crazy full-on binge anyway. And even if you weren't an emotional eater I can see turning to food at a time like this.

I have no words of comfort for you and your family. It's an awful situation. I'm really glad you were able to come here to vent -- we are here for that for sure!

Please keep coming back, okay?

Katt, I'm so terribly sorry for your family. My own son is 11. I can't even imagine the pain and grief of his parents and you, his obviously very loving aunt. I do know that nothing anyone says can be a comfort at a time like this. It's not fair, it's not right and it's so very sad. You don't have to be strong, you don't have to watch what you eat and you don't have to worry about burdening us. We'll listen, even if we can't help. Bless you and your family. I'll keep them in my thoughts.

Katt – I remember when my mother was dying and I wrestled so much with the fairness question. I spent a lot of time thinking about it, and I still don’t have any illumination on the subject.

One thing that her death really hit home for me was the preciousness of life. It is so true – we often get so caught up in our petty squabbles and meaningless worries that we forget what a gift life truly is. One way to honor his pain and loss? Keep doing your 5-a-day good things list and remembering what is important. Whatever you do, don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel and how you should grieve. It such a personal thing.

My thoughts and prayers are with your nephew, and also with you to help you through this difficult time.

KATT-

I am so sorry to hear about your nephew. I am glad you came here and posted. Things like this are hard...life doesn't seem fair at all at times. Try to hang in there sweetie. You and your nephew will both be in my prayers.

Katt, I absolutely understand how you are feeling, now.I lost my little sister to leukemia, she was 5 years old. I understand the unfairness of this and how frustrated and unhappy you are, I understand about the Snickers , too. My prayers are with you and your family.

Katt, I've lost 2 nephews, one at the age of 10 months, and one at 25 years. I can't add anything to what the others have said except that it will never seem right or fair for someone to pass before their time. Do whatever you feel like you need to do to get through this. On the other side just try to live as healthy and as happy a life as you are capable of.

Katt,

So very sorry doesn't cover it. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Hugs to you honey. Again, so very sorry for you all.
love,
Annie

Dear Katt, it's always impossible to know what to say in situations like this. I guess it's because nothing anybody can say will ease the pain you and your family are going through. It all does seem so very unfair, and I can totally understand your question WHY!

I am very sorry about your darling Lil T, and I will offer up those prayers you asked for Take care, and eat what you want, time enough to think about dieting later on.

Hugs,

Ammi

Katt you and your nephew will be in my thoughts and prayers

Katt, I know there is nothing I can say that will ease your pain so I will just send you a and offer up prayers for you, your nephew, and your family.

Katt, I am crying for you, Lil T and your family at the moment. I can only imagine the pain you are suffering. I went through the WHY moments when my dad passed away a little while ago, and he had lived a long and wonderful life. I don't have any answers for someone when a loved one is taken after such a short time on this earth.

I can only hope that you are all surrounded by loved ones who can support you at this time. Please don't feel as though you have to be the strong one all of the time. You have every right to break down and do whatever you have to do to get through the next little while. Let others be your strength now and then, as I am sure they will want to be there for you.

Take care and know that many of us here have you in our thoughts and prayers.

Zelma

Thinking of you and Tyler Kat, what an awful thing to happen, I hope his passing is peaceful and free of pain.

Em