[bchyspice]

Oh, boy. I'm hoping that by posting this, it will keep me honest. For the past 6 years, I've been about 60lbs overweight. I'm 30 years old. Before that, I was a very thin woman. So thin, that I was proud that my ribs clearly showed. Unfortunately, I achieved that weight standard by taking laxatives with every meal, negotiating tiny portions of junk food instead of eating something healthy, drinking large amounts of caffeine, and a lot of partying with cocaine.

Mentally and physically, I was exhausted with constant thoughts of what I could eat, and how I looked. So I gave that all up - no more laxatives, no coke, no more starving myself...and I gained this weight within about a year...now here I am on other end of the spectrum as an obese woman. Talk about extremes! Although I've learned more about who I am on the inside, I'm just now looking in the mirror and demanding better from myself. I'm not who I was then, and I'm not who I see now - but I have to be somewhere inbetween, right?

I've been working out, doing 20 minutes of climbing cardio 5x/week since September. No improvements so far because I've been eating more. I'm an emotional eater out of self-imposed loneliness and boredom. But what's troubled me the most is that just recently, I actually planned out a schedule to incorporate laxatives and cocaine back into my daily routine just to help me drop 30 lbs quickly. What the **** am I thinking about doing!??! Do I really think that dealing with that aftermath would really be better than being so fat? A HUGE part of me says yes, but I know that I will not make it through unharmed...I've already dealt with negative repurcussions of cocaine and laxative use (as recently as last year!).

So here I am ackowledging this, and desperately trying to rationalize losing weight the right way, and trying to convince myself that it would actually work for me. I hope that I find inspiration here, and would love to, in turn, be an inspiration to others someday soon.

[LBH]

Hi bchyspice! Welcome to 3FC and 30-Something's!

First, I want to say GOOD FOR YOU, kicking the habits once. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! Please don't slide back into your old routines. Come here and vent, or whatever and we will give you as much support as we can!

At least you realize your problem and that you're about to head onto a destructive path again. DON'T GO THERE!

[KarenK]

Hi Spice,

I totally agree with Lauren. You know that's not the right way to go about it. Unfortunately, it's going to take time and work. Realizing that is more than half the battle. Keep on working out, cutting down and come here! We will give you lots and lots of support!

Come on and join us in the "Week of " thread. That's where we do our chatting!

[bchyspice]

Thanks for your replies ladies. I will definitely try to do this right this time. See you on the Week of thread...

Erika