My mom and I are extremely close and she would never intentionally hurt my feelings. She would feel awful if she knew how much I "hear" that she tries so hard not to say. She was a fat child who got thin and then obsessed about her own weight forever. She's in her 80s and still goes to the gym and still hates her own body. She knows I have fought to remain thin my whole life. But since I've gained all this weight over the last few years, I can SEE this disappointment on her face whenever I see her. Last time she visited I put on a dress I love, did my hair the way she loves, and was all excited to let her see me dressed up. When I entered the room I saw her eyes do a quick "up and down" and I saw her literally inhale quickly and hold her breath. She said nothing...which is totally out of character for her. A minute or so later she said in this ultra cheery voice, "wow. Your earrings are a perfect match with your shoes!" It literally made me want to cry. There were several incidents like that during her visit.
She is coming to visit in a couple of weeks. I am dreading it. How have others handled this type of situation?
Last edited by Want2SmileAgain; 09-06-2015 at 02:19 PM.
Reason: Typo
I'm sorry to hear about your struggles and I have had similar issues with family members but in my situation, the other person hasn't been in the best shape ever but still feel entitled to judge. Often they would say it directly to my face so at least your mother is *trying* not to hurt your feelings.
I think the main issue is that you seem to want to impress and please your mother which is never a good idea as she will always have different ideas and plans. Ultimately, you need to dress for yourself and look after yourself- for yourself.
An option might be to talk to her openly about it and ask her sincerely for her support (and advice if you can handle it )). She is likely to be sympathetic and understanding. Perhaps part of her judgement is that she thinks you don't care but if she knew you are making efforts etc it might be easier.
oh I am so sorry. Sounds like the issues run so deep for your mom. With her issues around her own body. So it would be so hard for you then to accept your own body. Or that's my thought on it. By osmosis we can pick up our mothers feelings about body image etc. And if her's with herself are unhealthy then what a challenge that would set up for you.
I DO hope you can talk with her about it ( if that feels like a good idea). For me, the acceptance has to come from myself. Otherwise I can keep my weight in check but still have food disordered thoughts around the whole issue. eg, gaining is always a threat, looming.
I will say that my mother despised my weight gain. Father also. They both had issues around body fat. So I got a double dose of rejection. It set me up for quite a challenge when it came to accepting myself. So that was MY work. And it continues to be my work. No matter what weight I am.
I do not know if any of my words help. I hope they do. Have you watched the TED talk with Ashley Graham ? IDK what would help me accept myself. So I cannot know for anyone else. But I do wish each of us can learn that if our body is healthy and gets us through each day with relative physical ease, then we can be very grateful to and for it.
Flower123. Thank you so much for your very kind reply. It really helps tremendously to hear from as many people who understand as possible because it reminds me that there really are soooooo many more perspectives than just my own. And what you said about how hard it has been to love my own body after growing up hearing my mother's ongoing criticism of her own body is something I never really considered. i am the spitting image of my mom (I think she is beautiful so I've always wanted to try to match up to the way I see her) and I suppose her own self criticism set my mind to thinking about what I needed to do "better" as I followed her. So , for example, if I knew she was unhappy being 130lbs at age 50, I knew I would need to weigh less at that age (which is what I'm facing right now). Your thoughts made me realize how my whole life I have known I could get huge approval from and see pride in my mother's face when I was particularly thin. She is tremendously complimentary and proud of me in many other ways as well. But that is just one area that I always recall made her really happy. Your words are very helpful and thought provoking. Thank you so much.
My grandparents are very much the same way. Grandmother has never been over 110 pounds in her life. I remember so many times growing up when my grandmother only made enough biscuits for me to have 1 and my brother and grandpa to have 2... she'd only give me 1 of any treat (like a small peppermint patty for instance) and would let my brother eat plenty. When I was probably 13, my grandpa "recommended" that I only eat 1/2 a pb&j for my school lunches and after that I went on a crazy fasting/super strict diet and lost 20 pounds in a month. I try to be comfortable around them these days but those memories still hurt. I too can still see disappointment any time I get a little chubby and a twinkle reappears when I diet. It's very unnerving and has even made me not want to go out into public, much less visit them. It stings but gotta love myself and let it go since it's still family. I'm working on that last part still lol
Both my parents were morbidly obese when I was growing up. They eat garbage and allowed my brother to become very obese in 2nd grade. I was careful about what I ate as a child and a teen, much to their chagrin. They always picked on me about what I wanted to eat (veggies, skim milk) and what a didn't (alcohol,cake, pop, meat). I didn't pile on the pounds until after college and marriage, but I was never as heavy as my mother.
Then a few years ago, mom got WLS. She's still obese but looks so much better. It won't last cuz she drinks and doesn't follow the diet. Its made her very vain and obsessed with my weight! EVERY time I talk to her she tells me that I need to be dieting, that my husband will cheat, it will affect my career, that I am too fat to get pregnant (not even trying) and on and on and on.
I don't consider WLS a cop out or easy way out or anything(she destroyed her body doing it), but seriously, its infuriating because knows nothing about self control or dieting or exercising. Heck, she's never lifted a weight a day in her life. I did a 27-mile hike in the mountains last summer!
So I ignore her. I know its really her issue, not mine. I've got enough of mine own to worry about. Thats about the best advice I can offer you.
My grandparents are very much the same way. Grandmother has never been over 110 pounds in her life. I remember so many times growing up when my grandmother only made enough biscuits for me to have 1 and my brother and grandpa to have 2... she'd only give me 1 of any treat (like a small peppermint patty for instance) and would let my brother eat plenty. When I was probably 13, my grandpa "recommended" that I only eat 1/2 a pb&j for my school lunches and after that I went on a crazy fasting/super strict diet and lost 20 pounds in a month. I try to be comfortable around them these days but those memories still hurt. I too can still see disappointment any time I get a little chubby and a twinkle reappears when I diet. It's very unnerving and has even made me not want to go out into public, much less visit them. It stings but gotta love myself and let it go since it's still family. I'm working on that last part still lol
How devastating and completely destructive! It sounds like they made a difficult situation that you were aware of so much worse. Good for you for doing your best to move past this. Some people are overly concerned with appearances, and the weight of a woman being the end-all, be-all. Its their issue, not yours. Loving and accepting oneself is darn tricky, when you figure that out let us all know too!
Want2SmileAgain it sounds like you want to work through this. And so you will. However long it takes. And whatever path it leads you to and through. I can read your desire for cognition. ( btw, for fun I put a very old photo of myself. I am really in my 60s )
Leopartspots thats quite a life story you have. I agree. WLS can work well for some folks. But behaviors have to change otherwise.... you know the results. I am sorry you were taunted etc for making healthy choices. And for being overweight now. You in no way deserve any of those words. I can read in your words that you work on things. This is what is important.
lpn0603 I am SO sorry. I know that rejection all too well. From my mother, father, grandmothers. I went to summer camp. It was sort of a fancy one. One day I found myself sitting at a lunch table with other overweight girls. We were given different food. and not much of it. But we were never told prior that this was happening. The overweight girls were just all gathered up and put someplace else to control their food intake. I will never forgot how it all hurt. Our society condones this sort of treatment of overweight people. Even family feels justified. I missed my mother's 85th birthday partially because of my weight. I knew she would disapprove. Sadly I missed seeing my brother. It was the last time the family got together before he died. I have missed many things when I was overweight. Because I did not want to subject myself to my mother's disdain.
Dreading my mom's face when she sees me
)). She is likely to be sympathetic and understanding. Perhaps part of her judgement is that she thinks you don't care but if she knew you are making efforts etc it might be easier.
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