I have so much going on in my head right now I don't even know where to begin. I'm usually not a Debbie Downer but I forewarn you now that I am feeling like one today.
I keep falling off, and I keep telling myself that each failure is truly just a step closer to success... but how many times am I going to fail? I'm so angry at myself. I feel so good when I'm eating right, I feel so good when I exercise, and even though the process is so slow I generally feel amazing when I'm in the active process of losing weight. So why in the heck is it so damn hard to stay on track? Some days I feel like I am destined to be fat forever as punishment for some misdeeds in a past life, or in this one. I HATE being fat... before I didn't like it, but lately I truly despise every aspect of being fat. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate myself, I feel as if my body were composed of two separate entities: the real me and this fat b***h I just can't get rid of, she's the one I hate. I'm so strong and so confident in other aspects of my life, why can't I win in this one. Being fat seems like a disease to me, a systemic infection that just keeps spreading and slowly ruining so many other parts of my being. I'm not even at my highest weight at the moment, but the other day I was trying on clothes at the mall with a friend, and for the first time ever I felt this overwhelming pure rush of self-deprecation. When will I stop being so weak? I wish someone would sequester me from my life and lock me in a gym and only provide me with the necessary nutrients until I reach my goal weight, leave me in complete solitary confinement so I can do all the soul searching I need(sounds like a good idea for a reality show lol). I really need to get out of this fat cage somehow and start living my life again, I am not capable of living life to full potential while I'm fat; I'm too embarrassed and too tired to do anything.
This turned out to be more of like a diary entry than anything else, but I needed to vent somewhat publicly, it felt like too much inside to just keep to myself.
somebody once told me (after I tried and failed over and over to loose some weight) that you have to hit a point that truly turns you around-- and before that point, you don't REALLY want it badly enough to work hard.
have you hit that point?
That point looks different to all of us. I've hated the way I've looked for years and years, I've cried myself to sleep, I've despised getting dressed in the morning because my "big" jeans were getting too tight....
but none of that helped me truly stay focused and stubborn enough to stick with anything for longer than a week or 2.
Until a month or so ago. I was feeding my daughter her lunch: green beans, pb&j, whole wheat pretzels, no-sugar added applesauce, and milk. I was eating my lunch, too: fried chicken nuggets, french fries, a coke to drink, and a slice of cake. I thought about my daughter eating what I ate for her daily nourishment-- and it horrified me. Don't get me wrong, every once in a while isn't a horrible thing, but as often as I ate crap was ridiculous!
That's when I really started my journey. I've fallen off the wagon several times already in just a month-- but you've GOT to jump back on. Yeah, we all screw up, but you have to find that stubborn inside of you and get.back.on.
You can do it! Think of what made you start in the first place...whenever i get discouraged and frustrated, I think of my 19 month old daugther stuffing her face with fried food and processed sugar....and it snaps me back.
I'm not necessarily against soul-searching and looking for deep-rooted psychological causes underlying one's behaviors. But I also think that sometimes a more pragmatic approach can help you work on changing the behaviors first, even before you have that complete understanding of what drives the behaviors.
So, I would ask you this: when you veer off track, what happens? What is the typical process by which you go from being on plan to being totally off plan? Examine that process, and see if there are things you can change about your environment that make it harder for you to slip down that path.
If you want, you can explain here what typically happens that leads you from being on plan to being off plan, and we can help with specific suggestions of how to avoid those pitfalls.
Emerald Eyes: I believe that somebody was referring to "rock bottom" I cannot tell you how many times I thought I was there, but apparently I wasn't because here I still am. Thank you for the encouragement.
carter: interesting approach. There are usually a number of things that will lead me off plan... an outing with a friend to a restaurant, an argument with my husband, my in laws cooking a big family dinner (I live with them), a stall on the scale usually discourages me to the point where I eat something I'm not supposed to, but it motivates me equally when it is moving in the right direction. My last attempt was my most serious one, I thought this time was it, which I guess is why I'm extra upset. I've been doing South Beach and I had lost 15 lbs. and been on plan for almost a month. Usually I fall off from one moment to the other, I eat one bad thing and I officially go off plan for good. This time it was a progression... it started with a bottle of wine one day, then a cupcake, then a few more cupcakes, then some other white carbs I shouldn't have been eating until the point where I slowly and progressively went back to all of my old eating habits. I've been trying to get on plan for a week now and for some reason I can't bring myself to officially just do it. I say I'm going to start right now, this instant and then I eat a piece of candy corn.
I have been and feel like I am in the same place as you right now. I just keep trying and keep trying and keep failing and keep failing. All I can say is we have to keep trying. I know we can both get to where we want to go. From now on, I am just going to take it one day at a time. I can't look at how far I have to go or think about my past failures. Today is always a new day, and there is always time to begin again.
There are usually a number of things that will lead me off plan... an outing with a friend to a restaurant, an argument with my husband, my in laws cooking a big family dinner (I live with them), a stall on the scale usually discourages me to the point where I eat something I'm not supposed to, but it motivates me equally when it is moving in the right direction. My last attempt was my most serious one, I thought this time was it, which I guess is why I'm extra upset. I've been doing South Beach and I had lost 15 lbs. and been on plan for almost a month. Usually I fall off from one moment to the other, I eat one bad thing and I officially go off plan for good. This time it was a progression... it started with a bottle of wine one day, then a cupcake, then a few more cupcakes, then some other white carbs I shouldn't have been eating until the point where I slowly and progressively went back to all of my old eating habits. I've been trying to get on plan for a week now and for some reason I can't bring myself to officially just do it. I say I'm going to start right now, this instant and then I eat a piece of candy corn.
Okay, you have a lot of different things here that get you off track. Let me just pick a few and focus on how I would address them, behaviorally, if I found I was in your position.
"An outing with family at a restaurant" - that is one meal. How did it lead to being completely off-plan? Next time you face a restaurant outing, plan ahead for it. Maybe save calories in your day for it. Think ahead about what you are going to order, rehearse it in your mind. Make the best choice you can make on the menu, and ask about substitutions ("can I have a side of vegetables instead of the mashed potatoes, please?"). Don't touch the breadbasket. Etc. These are just suggestions because I don't know what goes wrong for you at a restaurant. And most importantly, when the restaurant meal is over, get right back on plan.
"An argument with my husband" - that is not a food-oriented event at all. Somehow I doubt that eating off-plan resolved whatever issue you were having with your husband. There is no sense in using incidents like this as an excuse to eat off plan. But once again, even if you do find yourself eating off plan because of an argument, it doesn't have to be the end of everything. Get right back on plan.
"a bottle of wine one day, then a cupcake, then a few more cupcakes" - If I recall, on South Beach, you are permitted a glass of wine. If you have trouble stopping at one glass, and find yourself polishing off the bottle, it might be better for you to cut wine out of your diet completely for a while until you get a little more control. I do this myself with quite a few foods that wouldn't necessarily be terrible for me if I could stop at one serving, but that I have trouble controlling myself with. There's no shame in it and it's a helpful way to take control over what you are putting into your body. Moreover, even if you do drink a whole bottle of wine, once it's done, get right back on plan.
Now, the cupcakes. Where did the cupcakes come from, why were they even within your reach? If you can do so, do not have cupcakes in your house. Even if they are there, why did you eat them? Were you genuinely hungry, but didn't have a healthier alternative on hand? If so, think about how to plan your environment better so that you have string cheese or fruits or boiled eggs or whatever healthy snacks work for you right there within reach. Was it just because they looked good? You do not have to eat cupcakes just because they are there or offered - there will be other cupcakes, you can tell yourself "hm, not today." A good part of this process, I'm afraid, is learning to say "no!" to your inner 5-year-old. And remember, even if you eat a cupcake, it doesn't have to be the end of everything. Get right back on plan.
Do you start to see how my process works? I like to examine the behavioral reason for each slip-up - was I hungry? then I need to plan better. Was it a food I can't control myself on? Then I have to declare it off-limits and (if possible) remove it from my environment. Was I angry? Then I have to let my rational mind prevail, and remember that eating doesn't address the issue that made me angry.
And most importantly, I remember that I do not have to be a flawless plan-following robot. There is a space in between "eating perfectly on plan" and "eating anything and everything with abandon". If I slip up, which I do - I get right back on plan at the very next eating opportunity.
I hope this helps you. The more I work on this process the more I start to believe that getting control of your eating is just something you have to do. A lot of people like to look for deep-rooted causes for things, but even you find them, you still have to exercise discipline to let your rational mind prevail over those causes, you still have to be stronger than your inner five-year-old, you still have to say "no, not today" often when faced with temptation. You have complete control over what you put in your mouth. You can start exercising that control right now.
Just Another "Why Me"?
I cannot tell you how many times I thought I was there, but apparently I wasn't because here I still am. Thank you for the encouragement.
