Dear 3FCs, (lol)
So, I think that part of my weight loss "stall/ binging/ not working out" drama is the fear of leaving the last 12 years behind. I was a skinny thing who could eat whatever I wanted without gaining a pound until I was about 22. I was happy, and confident, and felt sexy.. then my metabolism changed and all that I ate, went straight to my gut, and butt, and cankles, and.. ok.. everywhere. Over the years I've cycled through depression, anger, denial, acceptance out of feeling like a lost cause, then rinse and repeat. It didn't help that all I kept hearing from my dad was that I take after the German women ancestors in my family (who were BIG and hardy women) and that I needed to get over it and accept it. (He meant well, honestly, but he doesn't think like a woman)
I did Atkins for the first time, 8 years ago, for 2 months, lost 20 lbs.. then met my SO, who is an amazing cook, and that was the end of that (pasta overload). I tried working out like a mad woman for a year, like 6 years ago, and never dropped a pound or inch.. got frustrated and quit. Did Atkins twice more over the years, and about lost my mind, I even snapped at the SO when he (nicely) reminded me I shouldn't have had that bag chips, etc.
I do not do well with deprivation. Out of all those attempts, I never changed my portions, never made sure to eat balanced meals throughout the day... when I did WW last summer, and lost those 30 lbs, I felt
AMAZING. I started feeling hope again. But then some personal crap happened that broke me inside.. I stopped doing WW after 3 months and started slowly gaining half that weight back. I'm in a totally different place now, I'm ready to fix myself inside and out, and am preparing myself to make some huge life changes. I want to feel as good as I did 12 years ago, but... it just
seems harder this time? Every time I hit 5 lbs lost, it just gets harder and harder to get to that next 5 lbs. The first 2 months, this go-around, weren't so bad, but the last month has been full of giving up on both exercise, and daily food choices. I WANT to get to my goal... but what the heck is that invisible devil doing on my shoulder sabotaging each move? How do you ignore that little voice that says you can just workout tomorrow (which always turns into another tomorrow), or eat a little bit of that stuff you really want (but turns into a LOT of that stuff)?
I deserve that happiness again.. the last 8-10 years has not been kind. I'm only 34, and I do
not want to grow older and more unhappy until I'm that bitter old woman people steer clear of. I want my kids to experience me being fun, and joyful (even if I feel guilty that my oldest two are teens, and that I didn't do this sooner). You'd think that would be all the motivation I need, but... it's not? I walk through stores, excited at the prospect of
never needing to wear plus-size clothing again, and can't wait to wear the styles I've always wanted to. I want to get all my piercings, and color my hair drastically (either red, or dark cocoa brown-almost black). I want to feel comfortable enough to go jogging, start dancing, and do bellydancing again. I'm only 40 lbs til goal, I could feasibly do all this before the end of this year, but.. ?
~~
I started writing this a few days ago, and the last 2 days I've been better about staying on-plan, but I decided to go ahead and finish it and post it... maybe someone else out there is feeling the same way I do?
If so, here's a virtual hug.
Too scared to be skinny(ier)..
