[desperate99]

Ever since I have told her that I want to make a conscious effort to lose weight, my mother emotionally blackmails me into eating.I have been eating heavily for the last ten days...I know this sounds incredibly stupid, But I really don't know what to do. She gets upset and says that I am making myself sick by barely eating, but I eat about 1200 calories (sedentary lifestyle). My friends and the rest of my family are really supportive, and my mother seems to be the only person who has a problem. I have tried talking to her and make her understand how incredibly important weight loss is, but she seems to be in denial. What do I do?

[IsobelRose22]

Have you told her exactly how her behavior is making you feel? Ask her the real reasons why she doesn't seem to be supporting your weight loss, finding that out might help you to settle this problem with her. But from what you've said it seems to me, that maybe she has issues of her own that she's placing onto you? If she won't talk, then I say stay strong and don't give in to her heavy meals and emotional blackmail, it'll be hard but she should soon get the message and back off a bit. I hope this helps and good luck!

[bargoo]

I repeat what the above poster said. Stay strong! Do not let her get by with her sabotage! She may not even realize the harm she is dong to you. I suggest you do not talk about your diet or weight loss around her. Do your diet the best way you can, eat what is healthy and appropriate for you. Good luck!

[xty]

I am so sorry to hear you are not feeling supported by your mother. I empathize, I truly do.

Your mom may subconsciously be trying to sabotage you for any number of reasons. A couple that come to mind...she is also heavy and doesnt want to be heavy alone...she is thin and has gained extra security by always being more attractive than her kid. I know both sound messed up, but the latter is actually true for my own mom.

While we want our mothers to be the ONE person we can always count on to love and support us, humans have flaws and so moms arent always perfect.

Tell your mom in no uncertain terms how you feel. In fact, Id write it down (and save a copy for yourself!). Sometimes its harder to be in denial with written words.

And regardless of whether he behavior changes, you *must* take responsibility for your own behavior. Blackmail of any sort only works if you allow it. Put yourself back in control of your life. Create a plan for what happens if you start to feel sucked in by your moms suggestion to eat more. Can you ask a relative for backup or to be a lifeline? Take a walk?

If your mom is also heavy, maybe suggest you could support each other in improving your health. Even if she isnt receptive, at least you will know you offered.

[Esofia]

I consciously decided not to tell my mother that I'm dieting, she's had an uneasy relationship with her weight for decades and is a born saboteur. Sometimes the only thing you can do is learn how to distance yourself, practise ways of shutting down the conversation if she tries to raise it, that sort of thing.

By the way, 1200 does sound rather low even though you're sedentary. Try this calorie calculator. You're much better off eating an amount that makes you feel satisfied and is easier to keep up, especially with extra pressure from your mother to complicate things.

Something I'm wondering about is whether there's a cultural element to all this. I noticed that you're in India. Indian mothers do have a reputation for feeding anyone in sight, and I'm saying that affectionately as someone from a Jewish family - Jewish mothers do exactly the same thing. (I once wondered what Indian Jewish mothers would be like, then realised that I knew a couple of Indian Jewish brothers. They run a restaurant.) There's a hilarious section in a thoroughly mad book called The Dyke and the Dybbuk where a woman is at a family meal/religious thing, and her aunts are cornering her in the kitchen. As well as criticising her job, sexual orientation, haircut and the like, they simultaneously tell her that she could stand to lose a few pounds *while* practically force-feeding her on a gargantuan scale. I spotted myself showing signs of being a JMIT (Jewish Mother In Training) the other day when my distraught neighbour was sitting at my table talking about leaving her husband. As well as tea and sympathy, I enquired whether she'd eaten that day (she hadn't, and in my experience an empty stomach does not help when you're that upset), and then plonked a couple of satsumas on the table and sort of dropped a few hints until she ate the other one. Respectfully, of course! And she's practically forced food down me whenever I've visited their flat, she's a bit of a diet saboteur herself.

[Lovely]

As hard as it may be, stop talking to your mother about your weight loss. Continue to be vigilant and mindful, but if she asks you can just tell her you have a healthy appetite and are eating fine. Because ... you are! You're just watching your intake.

As a side note, I should point out that you may want to eat more calories, though. 1,200 seems a bit on the low side for someone 5'7" especially beginning at the weight you are. It's just that you -could- probably eat more and still lose weight at a healthy rate. That's all. =)

If you see your mother only causing you trouble when it comes to your food choices, then don't ask!

If she urges... here's where it might come to a head. If you give into someone when they're doing something you don't like, they are more likely to try that tactic again to get you to do things over and over.

There's only one way out. Say "No, thanks." Over. And over. And over. At some point they'll give up. At first it will be hard. They will ramp up their efforts in order to get their way, but you need to be stronger. This sounds like battle #1 for you in weight loss. If you can withstand the first battles, then over time there will be fewer and fewer and fewer.

You have the strength to stick to your plans. Yes, you can even stand up to your mother.

[desperate99]

Thank you everybody for your support! Everything is sorted now, After explaining a few more times my mom has finally agreed to let me diet. To Lovely and Esofia, both of you were right, I was consuming fewer calories than what was required, I have since increased my calorific intake