This is going to be long...I've gotta do some serious venting.
As many of you know, my fiance recently came home from a year-long tour in Iraq. I love this man more than anyone in my life, and he's my hero in more ways than one. But when he left, I was at my highest weight and I was shameless about eating whatever I wanted. He had a girlfriend who would eat pizza, drink beer, and want ice cream after. I would wear jeans and baggy t-shirts or sweatshirts everyday. Didn't do my hair or makeup. What he interpreted as "low maintenance and casual" was actually the Megan who had such low self-esteem that I wanted to only wear clothes that one, hid as much of me as possible and two, kept me practically invisible. I didn't want to stand out. I didn't feel good, so why would I try to look good.
Well then he left for a year, and I decided to take the opportunity to get control of myself and finally lose weight. I wasn't doing it for him, I did it for me. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to be confident. I wanted to feel athletic. I wanted to WANT to make love with the lights on. At first he was supportive, he bought me a Wii Fit before he left and would celebrate in my mini victories of a pound or two lost. Well, flash forward 9 months later to when he came home for his mid-tour leave. I was in my goal range of about 127lbs. After nine months of practicing and perfecting my calorie counting. Establishing a routine. Dealing with the emotional side of all of it. Etc. I know that he appreciated the physical transformation, he'd pick me up and put his arms around me. But he made it very well known that he wished I'd just be normal again. Just eat normal, what everyone else was eating. Not worry about calories.
He doesn't understand, and I have no idea how to make him understand, how deep of an issue this is for me. He came from a family that ate balanced family dinners every night. Food was enjoyed, but it was just food. He can quit eating when he's full, he can enjoy snacks without needing to eat the whole box, and mostly he sees food as fuel.
Well I don't have the luxury of having such a background. I have a severely late stage alcoholic for a mother who raised me. Since I was 6 and 7 years old, I was left at home alone while she was at work during the day and with her drinking buddies all night. And I'm not exaggerating, we're talking a first grader at home alone for literally days on end. I got myself up in the morning, took the bus to and from school, I did my homework, made myself food, entertained myself, put myself to bed. During the summers, I didn't go outside, I didn't have friends. I sat at home inside by myself watching daytime TV every single day. I had to eat, we had a lot of Kraft mac and cheese because it was cheap, so that's what I ate. I learned early on that eating provided positive feelings. Though brief and artificial as they were. I was bored, I was lonely, I was depressed, I was angry. Eating entertained me and it made me feel good. Every other weekend when I was with my father, he'd "spoil" me with sundaes and pizza and candy bars. If I did something well, I'd get food as a reward.
Now I'm a decently smart person, and even as a kid, I knew which foods were "good" and which ones were "bad." I knew that eating too much candy and ice cream would make a person fat. I knew that exercise was good. I knew all of these facts, but I didn't have the resources to make the right decisions, nor did I have somebody to help me practice healthy choices.
On top of all of this, I have a family that puts extreme value on physical appearance. On both sides of my family, the women are petite and dainty. Little women with little frames who remain slim their whole lives. Not me, I was a chubby chunk of a kid. And of course they let me know that I did not live up to their standards of feminine beauty.
So we all know how the story goes, I grew up perpetually hating my body while still shoving my face with garbage. I have all the classic dysfunctional habits. Scheming on how to sneak food, packratting as much garbage food as I could find and binge later in private. That desperate out of control need to get as much food as I can in my mouth. To this day I can't tell you what drives that. I stop tasting the food, I don't want the food, I feel guilty about eating it, but it's a desperate need to medicate some deep hurt.
Well, returning back to now. After practicing calorie counting for almost exactly a year and losing nearly 60lbs. I can honestly tell you that I am satisfied eating on plan on any given day. Planning is part of my routine, I crave a chicken breast and vegetables, I'd prefer to avoid junk than to cheat. I feel that I am doing well. I eat between 1300-1900cal generally. Almost exclusively lean protein and fiber and complex carbs. I DO need to get more healthy fat in my diet, I average about 50% of the suggested amount of fats. And I am okay with using olive oil to cook, eat avocado, olives, nuts, fish, etc. It'll take some tweaking of my plan. I exercise very moderately...I try to walk for 60 minutes everday and I lift weights when I feel like it (rarely). I should probably exercise more. I'm VERY respectful of my maintenance range...too high and too low are equally undesirable to me. I have dropped below my maintenance range, and you better believe that I upped my calories for a week until I was back in the comfort zone. I don't feel that I'm obsessive about weighing myself...I weigh every few days and write it down and forget about it. Fluctuations don't offend me. Most of you know that I'm not even a very rigid calorie counter. I don't count a lot of things and it doesn't bug me. If I have a side salad with no dressing, cheese, etc...psh, I'm not going to bother recording it. And I am a HUGE believer in the occasional indulgence...even an all out free for all for a day.
Well it's turning into a source of neverending frustration for my fiance and I. He's the poster child of normal healthy eating, and he doesn't understand my need to count calories. And to weigh myself every few days to stay on track. He sees that as an eating disorder and that it's dangerous.
And we're running into conflict because he doesn't understand the depth of my hurt that all of this is stemming from. He doesn't understand that I literally feel the emotion of terror when I think about gaining the weight back. He doesn't understand that my eating behaviors are fundamentally broken and disordered, I do not and cannot eat "like a normal person." So he approaches me offensively. He tells me he's frustrated that I'm not eating enough fat and that I just need to eat 200-300 more fat calories per day. And naturally, I put my defenses up. My red alarm goes off at the thought of eating that much more. Even though logically I know I need to adjust my plan to get more healthy fats, it's not as easy as snapping my fingers and being perfectly content with eating a bowl of greek olives in addition to my normal plan.
I don't know how to make him understand that this is a very delicate situation for me. It's a lifetime of dysfunctional cycles and hurting. OF COURSE I want to "eat like a normal person" and just be content with whatever healthy weight my body lands at. But fact is, I can't. I'm exhausted of defending myself and trying to explain why I need to count calories and why I don't want to go to Five Guys after we had pizza for dinner last night.
I'm at the point where I just want to say "screw it, it was fun while it lasted, but it's not worth it." I have loved being slim and feeling good about myself for the first time in my life. But if I am so dysfunctional and so impossibly irritating because I want to make two separate dinners for us and so embarrassing because I order a salad when everyone else gets burgers, then I guess it just isn't worth it. I'll eat like a normal person. I won't witch and moan about calories. I won't weigh myself. I'll wear jeans and baggy sweatshirts and be overweight and eat pizza and beers with the guys.
And thus ends my pathetic pity party. I know this is wretchedly lame, but I could really really use some supportive words right now...I'm feeling rather defeated.
I hope that you've explained those things to him. I see that you have emotional reasons for eating, and emotional reasons for not eating. As long as you're healthy I don't see why he's so upset about it... Maybe eat more healthy fats and exercise more to make up for it. Don't do anything to appease someone else though. Even the man you're going to marry. You don't want to gain back the weight and be the person who isn't happy with who she is, so don't do it. I really wish you the best of luck in everything. And just open up to him and I really believe things will get better
Oh gosh I just want to give you a hug. I rarely read long posts to be honest, but I really enjoy your contributions to the board...so I dove on in
Sometimes, when something matters so much to me and I am also heavily emotionally invested..I am not able to have a conversation calmly and convey what I want. I often try writing it down instead. Which you did so, so poignantly above. You didnt even "vent" or say anything remotely negative about him...just basically stated you need understanding...and why he doesnt immediately get it given his background.
Have you considered printing out the very message you typed above and giving it to him, asking him to read it privately and think about it before discussing it in a few days at a set time?
This is a really great moment in your relationship - you both have the opportunity to add depth to the ability to communicate and provide understanding.
Just because he doesnt empathize right away, doesnt mean he cant sympathize. He just needs to be able to understand -- and I believe he can and will.
If the letter thing doesnt work, seriously consider some sort of neutral 3rd party to help...not as a "counselor" so much...more as a communication facilitator? Clergyman or therapist or something?
I *totally* understand your perspective and I also understand how its very confusing for him.
Remember that most people still think of "dieting" as short term, means to an end, then go back to the way things were.
Is this the first deployment that you two have been through as a couple? I know that military members do struggle with reintegration upon returning home from deployment. One of the things they worry about most while they are gone is that we are going to realize that we don't need them, or that we're going to forget about them. I think part of his troubles with your weight loss is that it did happen while he was deployed. He had always been the healthy one in the relationship and the one without food issues. You've dealt with those issues on your own and I think he might be struggling to find his place. When you were overweight, he wasn't concerned with your diet/nutrition but now that you've lost weight he is? IMO, he feels replaced and he's being nitpicky to prove to you that you still need him.
But you know what? You don't need him, and that's okay. You don't have to need him. He doesn't need to be apart of your diet decisions. What you put into your mouth and your body should be 100% up to you. There is absolutely no reason why you have to be perfect. His reason for saying that you have to get more or less fats, or that you're eating disordered, or anything else related is because he wants to prove to you that you're not perfect... and so, you still need him.
I hope I'm not coming across like this is pre-meditated or intentional, I'm sure a lot of it is subconscious on his part. Reintegrating to the US after being gone is a struggle for everyone, just in different ways. Let him know that he should trust and respect that you, as a woman and his soon to be wife, are intelligent, capable, and honest enough to know what works for you and when to reach out if you need help.
Maybe you can find something that does make him feel a bit more needed... like exercise or something?
Last edited by FreeSpirit; 10-29-2010 at 07:38 PM.
It is so hard for people who've never had any weight or food issues to understand what those of us who are dealing with such concerns have to do just to "be like a normal person." My husband has found himself with a 20-pound belly he'd like to lose and although he wants to be supportive, he doesn't really get that I can't take an "off-plan day" to go out to dinner, then hop right back on plan tomorrow. He doesn't get that I can't just "exercise it off" because there isn't enough exercise in the world to undo the kind of eating I used to do. He doesn't know what it's like to think so much about food, to plan it out so carefully and control it.
Your guy doubtless doesn't really get it either. (Lucky them, huh?) I can understand how someone who doesn't have a complicated relationship with their dinner plate can get frustrated with those who do. A lot of the frustration probably stems from concern; to a person with no weight problems, the idea of focusing on weighing, measuring, counting could seem like an abnormal preoccupation. Sometimes it just takes time and patience to get others to understand that having a plan isn't an eating disorder--on the contrary, it's the kind of orderly eating that stops chaos like sneaking and gorging.
Does he know about your history and why your relationship with food isn't the same as his? He needs to know that for you, choosing to go out to dinner and having a salad while others eat burgers already IS a compromise and that you shouldn't feel constrained to eat the same foods, too. It's enough that you're there and enjoying everyone's company; you've already met him halfway in being "normal." Anyway, there is no shame in ordering something light. Salads aren't embarrassing. Salads are yummy!
Speaking of dinner, how would he feel about eating the same dinner as you, only in greater quantity and maybe supplemented with bread or a potato? I don't know what your maintenance plan is, but chances are good that he'd benefit from eating a more healthful diet, too, and what you eat would be just as good for him. That way you'd both enjoy the same stuff, you'd feel less frazzled at having to cook separate meals, and he'd eat a more nutritious diet.
I wish you the very best of luck. Judging by your post, you've been through a lot; the fact that you've been able to rebuild your relationship with food and with your self-image so well is a testament to your strength.
It's definitely going to take some adjustment on both of your parts.
For instance, why are you making two dinners? Can't you make the same thing for both of you, and just allow him to eat more? Or to use more gravy, or more butter, or whatever?
He wants to go out and have fun. It doesn't have to be every night, but what can you do to accommodate going out? Life is like this--what is your plan? Can you limit portions, make better choices, and still eat out?
He doesn't like that you eat differently than him. Well, that's kind of too bad! How someone else eats isn't anyone's business unless they are doing something dangerous.
If he is worried seriously about your having an "eating disorder," offer to go to the doctor for a checkup and share the results with him. Perhaps if he understands that what you're doing is not unhealthy, he'll calm down.
try to look at it from his side. He came back to a totally different person than he left. He has to be reeling from that. As long as he knows how you feel about him hasn't changed he will accept the changes. Remember you didn't make these changes overnight but he is supposed to. give him a little time.
I would tell him everything you just told us, let him even read the post verbatim. Some people just don't understand and will never understand this journey.
He may also need some time, he came back to a completely different person, I'm sure that has to be difficult.
In the mean time without feeling like you're sneaking around, try to count your calories and weigh yourself in private. As far as him wanting to go out to eat all the time, you have a few options. Go and order the best you can and eat half, tell him no and if he can't accept your wishes then he can go by himself and you'll make yourself something at home. My DH is a fast food junkie but has cut back for the both of us and if he wants it that bad then he gets it and I eat something else. I also regularly make two meals or a modified version on my meal, and that's just the way it is.
Bottom line is you just have to find a way to explain to him how important this is to you and that you just can't deal with food the way "normal" people do. I wish I had some better advice, I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, but please don't get discouraged I know you'll find a compromise.
You are not having a "pity party." You are re-defining yourself and are not getting the support you need. You asked us for our views, and I want to encourage you strongly to continue to take care of yourself in the way you have chosen. Do not be thrown back into old ways that were unhealthy and left you feeling bad about yourself. Honestly, continue to take charge of your life. Your health should be your #1 priority, and it should be his too!
Great post. Sorry you had to go through what you went through as a child . All good people deserve to be happy and if being "obsessive" about what you put in your body so that you can be healthy and feel beautiful makes you happy then so be it. That is a GOOD thing. Clearly, he does NOT understand what it's like to be someone in your shoes so you have to help him to understand. He wants you to be "normal" again? Normal is different for everyone. HIS "normal" works for HIM. He's probably always been able to eat anything an not gain an ounce but what about YOUR "normal"? You REALLY would go back to that just because someone assumes your "normal" is just like their's and not consider what you've been through to get to where you are today? Just a thought...
Oh gosh I just want to give you a hug. I rarely read long posts to be honest, but I really enjoy your contributions to the board...so I dove on in
Sometimes, when something matters so much to me and I am also heavily emotionally invested..I am not able to have a conversation calmly and convey what I want. I often try writing it down instead. Which you did so, so poignantly above. You didnt even "vent" or say anything remotely negative about him...just basically stated you need understanding...and why he doesnt immediately get it given his background.
I'm in complete agreement here. I don't normally read long posts either, but this one gripped me and pulled me in. I didn't even skim, but read it word for carefully written word. And you didn't say anything negative about him so honestly, I'd print this out and share it with him. I think that might be the best thing you can do. I hope you two have talked about this? I hope he can see reason through his concern for you, because he's obviously coming at this from concern.
Perhaps he should talk to some of the women he works with and find out how they maintain their weights, because you know those women must fight the pounds to stay within their weight restriction for the military.
Maybe point him to some threads that talk about schedules of weighing whether daily, weekly or monthly. It's frequently discussed here and you know that everyone must find their own comfort zone for how they best respond to that scale. I think weighing every couple days is very, very healthy and critical to maintenance. For me that will be daily weighing. Have you explained to him why you weigh so frequently? That it's because you are so in tune to your body that you understand fluctuations and that sometimes it's up, and sometimes it's down? That you can't bury your head in the sand if you're closely monitoring it?
I feel for you. It's your body and ultimately you should not have to defend your methods for keeping it looking the way you want it. He would not have to defend his reason for how frequently he waxes his car! But it does seem as though he's genuinely concerned about you. He wasn't here for the transformation processes and didn't learn anything right beside you. He may not believe you when you tell him you did this in a healthy way.
My husband was always telling me at 235 pounds that BMI charts were bogus and I certainly didn't look obese. I was terribly obese! I had just stepped into morbid obesity! But his love for me clouded his vision, I guess. They don't get it. And men don't balance their entire self-worth on their bodies the way so many women do. They simply don't understand.
Do you have a female friend to talk this over with? Some to have a live conversation with including the back and forth banter that lacks in message boards?
I agree that it can really help to have an honest open conversation about this -- and showing him your post sounds like a good idea.
When I first started changing my eating and losing weight my husband (also very heavy) was VERY threatened by it. We've both loved food together and he was afraid he was going to lose part of his relationship with me. I also didn't want to go out to eat to places that would be difficult to count calories, etc. It was a tough time. But as time went on, we found ways for both of us to be happy. In fact, he joined me on the weightloss bandwagon and changed a lot of his habits.
Maybe he's afraid of losing a part of your relationship... or one of the other suggestions the above posters have made.
My only other comment is please don't give in and go back to all your old ways! You did this for YOU, and all the reasons it's important for YOU are still there.
Give you and your guy a chance to talk talk talk and some time to readjust to each other again!
First of all, it's a wonder you never weighed more than 200 lbs,given your circumstances.
Okay. Back to today.
This man loves you, and I think you are one of the brightest young women I've come across - I've told you that before I think - this man loves you and therefore I know, he's got to be a bright, caring young man. He is just ignorant on this particular topic, as many bright, intelligent people are.
I too would write my feelings down and hand it over to him. Perhaps even this very post. There is something about seeing things written down on paper that gives them a whole different meaning. It is a much better way to ingest things.
As far as the healthy fats, I too keep that lower than most. It stems from me needing volume as opposed to the calorie denseness of the fat. But I do get in my olive oil, as all my soups and stews and veggies require it. It may not look like it to others though. And yes, it's still less than most. What works for one, doesn't necessarily work for another.
But I've been to the doctor and my check ups are marvelous. I was therefore wondering if you've had a check up lately. If not, why not do so? Take your man along with you and let the doctor tell him just how healthy you are. LEt the doctor tell him how remarkable and amazing you are for having done what you have and for the desire to continue doing so.
He also has to come to realize that your passing up on unhealthy foods, you're not passing up on nutrition or anything a body needs. Skipping pizza and beer will not harm a person.
As far as your dinners together. I was also thinking to make the two of you the same things, but embellish his portions perhaps. A baked potato with butter for him - naked for you, his veggies sprinkled with cheese on top, his meals with rice and pasta, yours without, things of that nature.
You're going to figure this out. Look what you've overcome in your life. You're not abandoning your healthy lifestyle. At this point, it would be abandoning a part of you and that's not an option. He needs to know how happy you are doing things this way and just how important and absolutely vital it is to you. He needs to know that you're still Megan, only improved.
You've got your work cut out for you as he learns your new ways, and how important this is to you, but eventually he will. Until then my dear, my thoughts are with you. I know you're busy, but please keep us posted. I actually wondered how you were doing the other day.
First of all, huge thanks to everyone who read through my very lengthy post and offered your wonderful helpful advice and support. I usually skip long posts also, but I'm so glad you managed to slug through mine, hehe.
As for the advice of writing it down, that's kind of how this post started. We'd had another blow out about it yesterday and I was upset. I needed to get it out, so I started writing it. Then I started writing it in a format that I could possibly give to him to read. Then I thought I might get some useful feedback from 3FC.
Well not long after I posted, he came out and we had the first positive discussion about it that we've had. It IS hard to be away for somebody for a year. You want to share all the new facets and changes and you want your partner to accept and celebrate the new you...but at the same time, it's hard to accept the new them. And this goes both ways for us, he has changed in some ways and sometimes I find myself thinking "why can't he just be the old Sean?" But we were both expecting this, we knew we'd have to work hard to get through it. And it's so worth it. At the shameless risk of being cheesy, he's the love of my life and I'm willing to work through any of these challenges.
But when he came out, we had both cooled down. He came with a more open attitude and willing to hear me out rather than insist I change. I had collected my thoughts and was ready to share what I wrote above, something that I've never shared with anybody (besides here, obviously). So with him not being on the offensive and me not being prickly with defenses, we finally talked.
I think he was rather shocked when I explained how traumatic some of these experiences have been for me. It's not just about a vain need to be the skinniest chick in the room, I'm not trying to attract other guys, or anything like that. I used phrases like "I'm literally terrified of gaining weight" and "I am happy with myself now, I was not then," and I told him with specific examples of how disordered my eating can be without calorie counting. I brought up specific days when I had been eating tons of food in private, without him knowing. I showed him my calorie counting website, I showed him some posts on here, and I explained my reasons for my new habits that he finds so annoying.
So I think he's finally starting to "get it." I don't think the problem is solved, we'll still need to adjust and learn to compromise, but this was a good positive step. As it stands now, he understands my need to count calories and to weigh myself at least every few days, I don't he's worried about the eating disorder thing anymore. I told him I was very willing to adjust my plan to add some healthy fats, but it isn't going to be an over night thing. I'll add 50-100cal of healthy fats to my diet for a week or two and we'll be running together or going to the gym for some extra exercise. After a couple weeks, I'll see how it's going and adjust if need be.
Well, this was another long post, hehe. Thanks again for the support I'm pleased that we made a step in the right direction last night, and I'm willing and ready to keep working on it.
I need help...I'm tired of fighting
And you didn't say anything negative about him so honestly, I'd print this out and share it with him. I think that might be the best thing you can do. I hope you two have talked about this? I hope he can see reason through his concern for you, because he's obviously coming at this from concern.
I was terribly obese! I had just stepped into morbid obesity! But his love for me clouded his vision, I guess. They don't get it. And men don't balance their entire self-worth on their bodies the way so many women do. They simply don't understand.
