Need help with advice for a family member (not my mother in law this time)
so a family member of mine (she's my sibling's SIL but we get along on the order of "cousins," hang out together, but since we didn't grow up together we don't have that shared bond. I'm also geographically separated, so we don't see each other as often as she/I would like) just reached out for some advice on a social networking site. She said something to the effect of (edited for privacy)
Why is it when I look at pictures of myself I want to both starve myself and eat an entire chocolate cake?
That's a cry for help, when you put it out on your social networking site.
I want to send her a message and possibly invite her here, but I probably have one chance for "positive attraction." For some background, she had some sort of WLS 3-4 years ago and I heard she lost 100 pounds (which was a good start) but it seems she's gained it back. Recently (I think last Christmas?) she was on a legit "hospital" protein shake diet which she wasn't compliant with either. I don't know if it was medifast or what...but it was dr.s' orders.
What can I say to someone who is obviously depressed but unable to commit to their program? I need some "sound bites" to work into a letter to her.
That`s a shame that she gained 100lb back after the surgery. I cannot even start to imagine how I would feel. :-( The feeling of shame and self loathing must be incredible, and she may appreciate your support indeed. Hard to say, as I don`t know her, but she sounds desperate. :-(
Sorry, I was obviously really tired when I wrote this last night.
We have had that much of a conversation ("hey how are you doing, I'm concerned") --we talked back at Christmas in person, and we do talk on the social networking site now and then. I haven't told her how much I've lost (I'd lost about 50 pounds at Christmas, and was wearing about a 16, now I'm 70 pounds and wearing a 12)...I'll reach out to her again today with that much, but I was hoping for some deeper backup from you all who have been through WLS, I know I need to encourage her to get in touch with her WLS counselor/doctor, etc. but more than that, I know (from what *I* know about her) that she needs a new group of friends. Her friends party a lot, she drinks and likes to make fancy food trays and throw parties and go to other people's parties, and all the friends are about partying. I don't know what she would do if she had to cut herself off from the drinking/partying.
There's no good way to give that kind of advice. You risk offending her, no matter how you say it.
So you've got to decide whether it's worth it to you, to offend her. Are you willing to destroy the friendship to give her advice (that she may reject anyway).
When it comes to confronting self-harming behavior, interventions can work, but not often. There are no magic words you can say that will make her change her behavior.
Odds are that she does understand, and is (in her own way) trying to master her weight issues. She may not be willing to give up the friends and the drinking/partying, and suggesting that she do so - probably isn't going to help.
I don't think you're close enough to her, for your advice to be helpful. When confrontive advice is helpful, it's usually when it's given by someone the person will have a hard time rejecting (someone too close to easily cut ties with - such as immediately family members - spouse, parent, child, sibling...)
And it's likely that she's already hearing it from those people. So what could you add that would be helpful, and not just salt in a wound?
Probably nothing.
There's nothing you can say that her family and doctor (and probably she, herself) haven't already said.
I know you mean well, but there's very little chance that you can help. Having a close family member tell you that you're "making poor choices and need a new group of friends," isn't easy to hear. In fact, it's advice that is guaranteed to offend. When it's from someone very close, it can get you thinking (and you'll probably eventually forgive the messenger), but when it comes from someone who is a friend (and especially not a long-time best of best friends), it's easier and more natural to dismiss the advice and usually the friendship along with it.
I do think that most overweight people are aware of it - and usually even aware of the habits that are contributing to it. Knowledge is not the problem - so there's little that can be said to "help." If she's undergone wls, she understands the problem. Being willing and feeling able to do something about it is something you can't give another person.
You can give knowledge (but she already has it) and you can give support ("I'm here if you need me), but beyond that, the ball is in her court. Trying to "motivate" isn't going to help, because it will only feel like pressure to change (which is after all, what you're wanting to do. You're wanting to pressure her into changing, but you don't have that power. Even people closer to her, probably don't have that power, or it would have already worked).
Be the "shining example" and let her come to you if she wants advice. To coin a 12 step phrase, "You can't effectively do someone else's inventory." She will see your success and want it...then come to you. Be there but be aware it's not up to you.
Angela
Last edited by missangelaks; 03-15-2010 at 03:27 PM.
That sounds perfect to me. I hope she responds, but if she doesn't, maybe she will in the future because she will hear that you care, you aren't judging and you've been were she is at.
I'm just hoping for some hints on what to say should she be interested in talking. You know...some guides about walking through the minefield... "whatever you do, don't say..."
We hadn't been planning on going "home" until Memorial Day, however, we just realized we could make two small trips this weekend and next (so our daughter could have spring break with her grandparents)...so I may have an opportunity to see my SIL-IL. It'll be a lot easier to talk in person. I'm very afraid of the permanency of the send button.
Last edited by weebleswobble; 03-15-2010 at 04:42 PM.
AHH!!! weebles!!! here's what i can offer for your last Q. IMO, the best thing you can do if she approaches you is to KEEP QUIET!!! get her to talk about what's on her mind - ask her questions to get her thinking about what she's saying, and how she feels about it, and if it's bothering her, what would happen if she changed [like, "So, if you feel that you drink too much when you're out with these friends, what other choices do you have? and what do you think will work for you, assuming you want to still go out with these folks?"
Need help with advice for a family member (not my mother in law this time)
It'll be a lot easier to talk in person. I'm very afraid of the permanency of the send button.
