My my fiance and I started dating I told him no comments about my weight period.
So I have started losing weight, he noticed and commented after asking if it was ok to comment on my weight. He said I was losing weight around the middle and it was making my chest look larger. He didn't say anything nasty.
So for the last 4 days I have not followed my diet at all, though I have been exercising.
Him trying to compliment me made me run to candy, which is odd because it isn't even the food I love the most. If I went nuts I would eat cheesecake, macaroni'n'cheese and pizza. Instead I have been eating cookies, something I don't even like that much.
I don't understand the cause and effect, here. You're trying to lose weight, you were successful at it, someone with whom you are considering spending the rest of your life noticed and complimented you ... and that threw you off course?
Please don't take this the wrong way, but I firmly believe that relationships only work if they are based on open and honest communication. Something as important as a weight loss or health goal should not be off limits. Besides, you need his support!
I’m not sure I understand either. What caused you to go off track? Does it bother you that he noticed your weight loss? I could sort of understand that because in the past, when someone has commented on my weight loss, it was a sort of sting…a reminder that I was heavier before and yes, they noticed. Is it something like that?
And by the way I’m jealous that your middle is getting smaller (thus making the chest look bigger). I’m sort of doing the opposite, though not by choice!!! My stomach won’t go away!
i think i understand a bit... i have been in similar situations... like the positive praise is actually a trigger "i'm doing well so i can treat myself" mentality. i have run into this a few times in the past 3 years of my journey. i won Goodlife Fitness' Success Story back in August 2009 and had a couple very rough months after that when everyone in the gym knew my name/face and kept commenting on my weight loss. I binged nearly every day after that for a couple months... and i started putting some of the weight back on...
i agree with the other posts - try to be open with your boyfriend about this... it will be a huge monkey off your back... i started a new relationship a little over a month ago and told him, right up front, that i have an eating disorder i am actively recovering from and a therapist to help me on that journey. he is starting to understand as i educate him ... just like he educates me about his life and his challenges....
no matter what - remember that the only person that can make you happy is YOU!
Well said, Happytobemomof2. When someone notices that I have slimmed, I think 'Hmm, I'm doing so well, a treat won't hurt.' As we all know...one treat turns into another and then another. Just try to turn your thought around to 'Hmm, if he thinks I look good now just wait until he sees what I can really do'. All in all, trust me u are understood and others who do not understand should work on their demeaner of how judging and not supportive that they may sound!!!!!
It seems like the boyfriends compliment caused some sort of anxiety.
The anxiety then triggered a small candy binge.
That is interesting - but you should share a few more of your feelings so we can understand better what was happening in your head.
I know, me personally, relationships change my entire attitude towards food. If I feel my partner somewhat monitoring or observing my weight loss, it almost makes me a bit nervous and I go off plan easily. Its a weird psychological thing I cannot explain.
I know exactly what you're going through and the comments that sent me reeling off course weren't even from a boyfriend; just a cute guy that I liked. He noticed my weight loss at the time and as soon as he did, I was embarrassed by the compliment and it caused me high anxiety. I felt like I was being watched and now someone called me out on how I looked. Good or bad, I don't like my body being watched or commented on. For me, it's almost as if I don't want the attention and when I get it, I run back to my safety zone of fat! People (except rude teens in passing cars) usually don't comment when you get fatter so you can hide under the radar even if they're talking about you behind your back. At least you don't have to face it head on. It's crazy.
I want to add that I've been in a similar situation...
It was my grandfather who noticed my weight loss (two summers ago) and promptly after, I stopped dieting. He didn't say anything rude, and was very excited about my success. It made me happy. Yet at the same time... something else was going through my head and I just wanted OFF the diet right then and there. I wish I better understood why... I didn't even notice it until months later, too.
It certainly wasn't because I thought I was doing 'good enough' and I don't remember feeling particularly anxious... But there was just something wrong with the idea of getting smaller...
this conversation is really interesting. and makes me a little sad.
i understand the anxiety because i too have felt it, but i can't really put my finger on it. or articulate WHY.
i know for many people, and many women i know, accepting any kind of compliment is difficult and confusing. i wonder if the same reason people say, "oh this, i got it for 5$ at target" to deflect praise when someone says they look cute comes from the same place that causes positive comments on weight loss to demotivate some of us.
as extroverted as i am, i don't feel very comfortable when attention falls on me. i think it might be a deep-seated lack of confidence...and a bottom-line feeling that i/we don't deserve success, don't deserve applaud, don't deserve to be slender.
BUT WE DO! we've done it or we're working on it or we're at least thinking about it! these people in our lives who love us so much want us to be happy and healthy, and we have to watch ourselves and their words and refuse to twist them into unintended pressure resulting in a toss-in-the-towel this-can't-be-done attitude. we deserve all the good things that come from our work, including a chorus of "WOW you look great!"
(that's one of the manifold reasons this community is so great! can help get us get used to sharing our success and being congratulated for it. funny how it's so much easier here, huh? )
Your post brings to mind something that happened at my job yesterday. I work with the public, and a male customer made a flirtatious remark -- nothing weird or inappropriate -- but it made me feel so strange! It's been so long since that's happened to me that I was completely surprised. My first thought was "Wow, he must have a fat woman fetish!"
When someone makes a comment on how I look, whether positive or negative I feel like I am under the microscope and exposed. It's an uncomfortable feeling that doesn't make sense but it's there. In the past, the thinner I got, the more attention I received, the more I felt as though I wasn't being seen as me, but as a fake representative....an illusion. I hated being found more acceptable as thin and nearly invisible as obese. When the spotlight is on....I feel trapped in other's expectations.
These are just feelings whether they are logical or not.
Last edited by three herring; 02-18-2010 at 07:22 AM.
I'm another member of the "I've done so well, I've earned a treat" way of thinking. This could be what led you to the sweets after your bf complimented your weight loss. Why it's not the typical sweets you usually indulge in, I don't know. Human psychology is a strange thing.
When you initially made the topic of weight off-limits to your bf, was it because you didn't want him commenting on loss? or gain? I ask because I've actually dated men who would make comments like, "Lose weight, and we can go full time." They were willing to have a casual dating relationship with me (or more likely they were after FWB) but wouldn't actually call us an "us" unless I lost weight. Which didn't endear them to me, of course, but it made me feel bad about myself, as if the bigger my body size, the less loveable I was. Was it something like this, you were trying to fend off?
Last edited by LovebirdsFlying; 02-18-2010 at 08:00 AM.
I COMPLETELY know how you feel. My bf complimenting my looks, touching me like I was thin (Feeling up my waist and the small of my back) and being positive about my goal of 180 (I was 208 at the time) was part of the reason (Other male attention was the rest) that I ended up being so insecure that I gained back 40lbs. Subsequent medication and depression problems put on another 45. Further more, it took that 45 for me to convince myself that he loved ME and not just the hottie I had turned into. Insecurity is B%@*.
My advice is, take his compliment for what it is worth. If you have been with him for a while, he KNOWS what you look like heavier, as he noticed your loss, lol. Trust that he is there to support you, and he will be complimenting you again before you know it. Soon, you will love them. I have lost 20 lbs. recently, and I found I didn't mind when he noticed. It kind of brought that spark back.
Fell off the wagon-boyfriend noticed weigt loss
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