My boyfriend put me on the spot (long venting post)
Hi,
So thursday nights I have my WW meeting. I decided I would eat supper after the meeting instead of before because last week I ate before and I had gained from the week before (I know it probably didn't make a difference but in my mind it helped lol).
So since my boyfriend's house is 2 minutes away from my meeting, I told him I would come over and we would eat supper together. He lives with his parents and his mom always cooks but almost everything she makes is deep fried or full of fatty sauces. So we (my bf and I) decided I would pick up something healthy from the supermarket on the way there and we would cook it together. That way, I could count my points and not feel horrible all night not knowing what I actually ate.
Now the only people who know about my weight loss efforts are my boyfriend, my parents, my sister and my grandmothers.
So we're in the kitchen preparing the food and my boyfriend's mother walked in. She gives my boyfriend a look and he turns to me and says: "My mom wants to know what meeting you were at before".
Why would he say that??? I can't believe he put me on the spot like that. I was furious!!
I had to explain to her that I was on WW. And to be polite she says "oh well, it shows, well at least on your face, I'm sure the rest will come later"
!!!
I've lost almost 30 pounds!! I don't know what bothered me more, the fact that I was put on the spot or the fact that she didn't notice.
Oh, and then she says "Well if it works for you I'll join too" chuckling.. (She's overweight too)
I'm just so mad and I confronted my boyfriend today about it (2 days later cause it only set in today) and he just thought I was picking a fight.
Am I right to be furious?
He knew I didn't want anyone to know.
He says he just did it cause his mom was giving him grief about me no longer eating at their house and bringing my own snacks (I bring enough for everyone). For example, I brought 100 cal popcorn packs cause his mom only buys the big bags with EXTRA butter...
I'm so sorry that happened! Perhaps it makes his mother uncomfortable that you are making changes to improves your health while she is not, and that may be threatening to her. I would avoid talking about your weight loss in front of her if she is not a positive influence, because she might be a negative influence on you. I agree that your boyfriend should have kept your secret a secret, but don't ashamed that you are making changes, you should be proud! And look, I am a voice major and after losing 30 pounds a couple of years ago, I received a comment that I needed to work on my daily fitness and lose some weight (!!!). People did not start to notice I was losing weight until around 50 pounds were lost, and some people didn't notice until the 100 or 120 pound mark, so don't be discouraged! People WILL notice! You're doing great!
Um, I think your boyfriend kind of betrayed your trust? At least, this is what you feel. So it isn't really about the WW or the diet, it is about the betrayal of what you wanted to keep to yourself.
I understand why you would want to keep your choices to yourself. I'm the same way in that I don't want to have to explain myself or the program. And if I "regained" I didn't want to face the "well, I told you so" attitude that I've faced before.
ON THE OTHER HAND, while weight loss is private, it is also PUBLIC. People are eventually going to notice. Some will remark, and others won't. My dear SIL God Love Her just mentioned how good I look for the FIRST TIME last week. And I've lost 70 lbs! Don't take the lack of comment personally. Because then you can chase your tail all day -- you know "I don't want to tell anyone, and I don't want to discuss it, but why doesn't someone notice what I'm not discussing and say something even though I don't want to talk about it..." Kind of crazy, no?
Give your DB a break on this. He may have had to answer questions about why you aren't eating what his mom prepares and may feel like you put him in a tight spot. He may have said something to his mom confidentially, and then she put him in another spot. This might have been avoided if you just explained up front why you are eating your own food -- I mean, you HAVE to have known that when you go to someone's home and one person always cooks but you bring and cook your own food, questions would be asked, no? And it sounds like you are becoming a great role model, as she sounds like she wants to join you.
I was in the EXACT same situation with my boyfriend and his mom, and I went BANANAS on him when he told her that I was trying to lose weight. Boyfriends don't understand just how sensitive the weight issue is for us; so it doesn't seem fair to get mad at the poor suckers.
We don't want other people to know because we don't want them to be expectant of us to lose the weight and we don't want them to comment on our struggle! The worst is when you have to face them after a diet attempt has failed.
Truth is, it's nobody's business but your own. You're losing the weight for you! But you really don't need the added pressure of spectators. Talk to your boyfriend about this!!
Am I the only one who thinks you may have been a little too sensitive? His mom gave you a compliment, she is even thinking about losing weight because you're having success! I think being secretive about it in your bf's house is even worst, it may seem very rude to be cooking a separate meal than what his mom is making if she didn't know it was because you were trying to eat healthier. Your bf also left it up to you to say whatever you wanted to his mother about WW, you could have said something vague about a book club or whatever. Why should he have to make something up for you??
All i could say is she is a $$tch. I wouldn't let anyone stop me. Keep doing what you are doing,because you are doing great!
How is she an expletive when she didn't even know that she was on WW? Ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, she might have been hurt or insulted because the OP was bringing her own snacks and not eating over there anymore without explanation? Now she knows and hopefully will be supportive of her, but I don't get how she is an expletive for simply asking a question?
To the OP- ever stop to think that YOU put your boyfriend on the spot by bringing the snacks and food items to eat/cook over there, regardless of how you brought them over for everyone else, too, and cooked over there after she already prepared a meal that night? What was he suppose to say to his mother about you not eating her food? That her cooking sucked? Just to protect your privacy that you so called say you want but basically outed yourself by cooking and snacking over there? If you didn't want her to know about your diet, why did you even eat over there to begin with? Why not go home and eat, then visit with him?
I feel you put him on the spot with his mother. How many times did you expect him to beat around the bush while you kept eating healthy snacks and cooked over there?
What harm did his mother do by simply asking a question?!
Am I the only one who thinks you may have been a little too sensitive? His mom gave you a compliment, she is even thinking about losing weight because you're having success! I think being secretive about it in your bf's house is even worst, it may seem very rude to be cooking a separate meal than what his mom is making if she didn't know it was because you were trying to eat healthier. Your bf also left it up to you to say whatever you wanted to his mother about WW, you could have said something vague about a book club or whatever. Why should he have to make something up for you??
Ah, I didn't see your response before I posted mine. I couldn't agree with you more. I find that what she did was more insulting coming in that woman's home and snacking and cooking, bringing her own food without explanation. How is he suppose to not insult his own mother over a girlfriend's diet?
He very well may have been protecting your privacy. If he had indicated you were coming over for dinner and you were preparing it together, he may have had questions about why so late or why you couldn't eat what had already been prepared. You've put him in a spot where he's having to defend your behavior without being able to provide any information. A little unfair to him, I think.
He could have said you were attending a meeting and been unable to say what meeting. She could well have noticed that you'd lost weight and asked him about that as well. It doesn't sound like she knew you were going to WW until you told her that. So yes, you were put on the spot a bit but I think you put everyone else on the spot as well..
You can't change your eating habits and behaviors and expect people who are close to your life to not notice and not ask. People can't second guess whether you do or don't want them to notice, because different people want others to behave in different ways. Once you've lost 30 pounds, it's really not a secret any more. She could have been trying to be supportive on the spur of the moment. For all she knew, you could have lost 30 pounds because you were ill and going to a support group for cancer or something. Adjusting to it being WW in less than a second may have been more than she could do gracefully. Or, as only you know, perhaps she's catty in general and that's how the comments were made. If possible, sit back and look at it from all perspectives before making it a relationship-impacting incident.
Anyway, not trying to be mean or unkind, just trying to look at it from a different perspective.
More than 20-something
Last edited by WebRover; 06-27-2009 at 03:03 PM.
Reason: ETA I must have been typing while the last two posters were posting. Didn't know someone had already said something similar
gahhh! I hate people like that! don't let it go to your head. You know you're doing everything right. Weight comes off gradually. Some people are just very inconsiderate and don't realize the power of words and how much they can hurt. Don't worry! keep going strong
It's tricky. Like has been said, our weightloss procedures are private but the outcome has to become public - or at least we hope so. I'm at 45lbs since end Jan and still only noticed by one kennel-owner. Snarl.
It's tricky too when someone else's family/kitchen is involved.
And, the first thought when I read 'she wants to know what meeting you went to' was, maybe the boyfriend had to say something about where you were and he said 'at a meeting'. So his mother is wondering What meeting? WW? Al-Anon? Kleptomaniacs United?
Don't get me wrong, you could have been at TurkeyStranglers Anon and it would still be your business but I can see why a boyfriend's mother would want to know.
I really do understand the embarrassment - when someone unexpectedly oars into my weight/weightloss I feel like I've climbed on a table, taken my clothes off and broken wind, all in public; but I don't think it was meant to be invasive or rude. And yea, I know that's easy for me to say.......
I agree with steelslady and aneleh. If she has dinner for you and you cook your own food, questions will be asked. I know it is frustrating to be put on the spot, but it sounds like his mom was giving him a squeeze on what you were up to, and he gave you the oppotunity to tell her yourself. Maybe you will end up being an inspiration to his mom, and she will start cooking healthier herself.
I'm on the boyfriend's side on this one. Sounds like he was trying to respect your wishes by not telling his mother but didn't want to duck her questions. And then her comment to you seems about perfect to me. She acknowledged your effort but didn't put you on the spot by then badgering you for details.
The only thing that I find truly offensive about what either of them said or did is that his mother said "it shows in your face...the rest will come later."
My boyfriend put me on the spot (long venting post)
