I have nothing to report but I was reading through (to stay caught up!) and Theresa, your post worried me and I sincerely hope that you two can have a full, face to face, calm and loving conversation about his feelings and your goals. I find it completely unfair for your husband (or anyone for that matter) to try be sabataging, threatening, intimidating, belittling or dismissive about your goals to happiness just b/c he perceives a threat to his. He needs to get a grip, but obviously just telling him that isn't going to help. It's unacceptable for you to quit your efforts toward a healthy body and lifestyle b/c he's insecure. Your children need you to be a good influence! Your daughter needs to see that you are capable of being whatever you want and if you want to be healthy then you should become what you want! Our daughters are told they can grow up to be president--how much easier is it to help them be healthy than help them run a political campaign? He needs to understand that you are not just doing this for yourself or to spite him. This is important, health is important, happiness is important.

Barring professional counselling, you should look into weight-loss specific books on dealing with an unsupportive partner. Dr. Phil is the only one that comes to mind right now, which is unfortunate b/c I hear Phil's been an *** lately. Your husband might not want to read or participate or whatever, but you might learn some things to say to him to difuse any negativity or angry words.

Your man's going to have to step up and be responsible for his own happiness rather than putting it all on you. We support our spouses, we don't take care of them! He needs to get back to being that strong and loving man that you chose over all others past present and future and to stop trying to turn you into someone you don't want to be.

If my husband ever demanded that I be miserable to keep him happy I would be gone in a heartbeat--I did not marry an ogre and I will not be in a marriage with a man that turns into an ogre. Likewise, I would not expect him to stay in a marriage with an insufferable shrew b/c that's not what he married.

I cannot BELIEVE he brought up the money thing. What, is he going to put you on an allowance next? Sheesh.

And his "joking" about your "boyfriend" is disrespectful to the commitment you made to him and your marriage vows.

You are a much calmer person than I am, obviously, b/c I would FLIP OUT if I every heard those words coming out of anybody's mouth. I have zero tolerance for that crap. You married a strong woman, now guess what? You are in a MARRIAGE with a strong woman. Funny how that works.

omg I'm getting a leeetle crazy now. sorry.

You stay on track and resolve this issue with your man. You can have both him and the YOU you want to be. Perhaps you can remind him how many more "maneuvers" you can perform with all the exercise you're getting in? Men are simple, after all, and it's either food or sex that's going to put a smile on his face.

Thanks for all the support guys...now ya'll know I was serious awhile back when I said you ladies are the only support I have in this. He's acting like everything is normal today, so I'll just not talk to him about this anymore. Not sure I want to be in a marriage where I have to watch what I do and say so he doesn't get upset, so this might not last too long

I went to the grocery store today and none of the bad stuff even looked good to me. My pants were slipping down every few steps, I felt thin and beautiful, and had no temptation to buy fattening foods. It was like a miracle, but this fight just made me realize that this is what I want more than anything else, even if it ends my marriage. It's what I have to do for myself and my kids, and he's not going to stop me. He actually pushed me further toward my goal.

Normally after hearing him say those things I would agree, yes I'll just always be fat, and would be eating like a ten ton hog today, but I'm the opposite this time. The difference this time is I KNOW he's wrong. He left a message on my cell this afternoon saying how beautiful he thinks I am and I'm perfect just how I am, and that's what should matter. What he doesn't get is that this isn't about HIM. It's wonderful that he loves me how I am and finds me attractive, I'm lucky he feels that way, but I don't like myself this way and that outranks how he feels. he doesn't get that, he seriously thinks since he thinks I'm fine, I should be fine. MEN LOL Though I know not all men are this way. Too bad I didn't know about this before I married him.

I was thin when I married him and he was heavy as he is now, so I don't understand how me going back to thin again would threaten him. It's not like I've always been fat with him.

Oh, and on the food thing, there is a bit of MIL involved in this. His mama has never liked me, but now that I haven't spoken to her or brought the kids to her house for a few weeks, I believe she's trying to turn him on me, and I think it's working. He spent an afternoon with her a couple weeks back, and came home saying that he wants to see all the bills...I have always kept track of the finances, since he's not here most of the time. I showed him everything and he basically started saying I was "blowing" all his money and he was taking control of the bills and checkbook. I didn't care, though the accusation ticked me off royally. He swore that with the amount of our monthly bills we should have all this extra money just lying in the bank...and I told him he's not considering ALL the expenses, like food and doctor's visits and medications, and haircuts, etc. He blew me off, got on this big thing he's going to start putting all this $ back that i've been "blowing" well in 2 weeks he's managed to save NOTHING and I think he realizes that I'm not blowing it, life just costs money. This week Allie has to have a haircut because her bangs are in her eyes and she can't see anything, and his blood pressure meds need refilled, and next week Allie has to see her eye doctor which has a $40 co-pay, and we owe $15 to the school for the pumpkin patch field trip coming up. Those are the things he doesn't consider and they add up.

Anyway, I believe MIL is behind all this because it starts up after he's talked to her or spent time at her house, without fail.

Okay, now I'M the board hog, sorry gals.

Theresa

Theresa- He really is scared of your getting thin, but you certainly sound determined and I am glad for you. Marriage is all about compromises, but not when you have to lose your self respect. I've been married a very long time and I really regret the times I've given in to keep the peace, or sometimes because I couldn't imagine being a single mother. There are no do overs and sometimes I wish there were. It sounds like MIL is a big pain too.
So stay on track cause it's what you want. Don't worry about being a board hog cause everyone is here to support you. I would probably have gained 10 pounds this summer instead of losing if it weren't for our group.
Laura

Laura, I know I would be heavier too if it weren't for this group. I'm so glad we all found each other and have stuck together long term.

Theresa

Cracks me up how they can go out and spend 500 on a toy but when the wife spends 26 to get her haircut it is throwing away money. You made some amazing and wonderfully positive choices for yourself theresa and that is soooo awesome! You need to give yourself a big pat on the back and be proud of doing what is good and healthy for you. I feel guilty as I had only a few dollars for groceries and I got the kids top ramen, mac/cheese and hotdogs-all of them cheap and on sale. I know that stuff is hidious for them but I felt stuck today. Apparently support enforcement called my ex today and he is supposed to be paying his support in full this month. Can you say I will believe it when I see it??? You guys are all so awesome-I just wanted you to know that.
Melissa

I only have 2 minutes to do a quick post right now BUT

(((( HUGS)))) to Theresa

and Melissa-(((Hugs))) to you too-



and to echo the above: I would have given up a LONNNNNGGGGGGG time ago if it wasn't for all you wonderful ladies!

I will try to get back on either after hubby is involved with dukes of hazzard or smallville- ( although Tom Welling without a shirt is NICE- )

omg theresa i am so sorry about your situation with you husband. what a controlling jerk. i am glad you are not going to let him manipulate you into giving up on your goal this time. what is really sad for him is that if he continues his abusive behavior he will fulfill his prophesy about you leaving for some other guy when you lose weight (not because of your appearance, of course, but because a zillion other guys would treat you better.)
i totally agree with you about saving up some money. i think with his chameleon way of being nasty and then nice, you will need it.
it's really sick he wants you all to be fat, even the kids, because he can't stand to have to face he can't control himself.. everyone in the family must be like him.
well, hugs to you. i hope things get better soon.

I am at 1280 calories and I am stopping right now. Nothing more! It would be fine if 420 of those calories weren't from 6 50 calorie ice pops and some sherbet. I am going to stop buying ice pops. They are irresistable. I can't bring myself to throw the rest away cause they are expensive. I feel like such a jerk that I can't have anything in the house with sugar or I go nuts. But for now that's what I have to do. I know how much harder it must be for those with kids in the house and you really do need to shop for them. I can't even have peanut butter in the fridge cause it's so good late at night, just on a spoon in front of the fridge. Luckily my DH has no food issues and doesn't need to have sweets. His favorite snack is sliced tomatoes and butter on bread.
Food is harder for me when he is away, like now, cause I am not on a 3 meal schedule, so it's 6:41 and I have eaten all my calories. I am knitting a baby blanket, so soon I will hide in my room and watch tv and knit and stay out of the kitchen.
I am very whiney today. I appreciate this group.
Laura

Whining is allowed anytime. There are certain things that I had to just quit buying because I can't leave them alone and will eat them out of desperation if there isn't anything else for me to nab. You are not a jerk-you are wise! It takes wisdom to realize where a weakness lies and then to admit it. You are doing the right thing by busying yourself in a project. Been hard for me lately since Dess has just been on a I am not going to bed kick lately. By the time I get her to give up, I am too stinking tired to look at a pattern. Hang in there!
Melissa

Laura, I am exactly the same way with sugar, it just cannot be around me and survive until morning. I have been getting healtheir snacks for the kids, and buying reduced fat versions of things when they are on sale. Today I bought some vanilla wafers reduced fat and they didn't seem to notice the difference.

Melissa, I know about the not going to bed kick, Allie is doing the same thing. She's been against sleep since birth actually. I only pay $5 for the kids to get a haircut, that's both of them, so he doesn't mind. Like I said, he has never complained about money before, and I spend everything he makes just to keep the house and kids going. It's been years since I have even bought myself a pair of jeans, let alone anything else. He has nothing to complain about on that front. He did ask me, in a smart manner, "How would you support the kids without my $?" and I said "well, I'd get a job like any other single mother." He thinks I can't even get a job for some reason I guess? Oh and all the hideous foods you listed for the kids...mine have lived off that suff many, many weeks. You gotta do what ya gotta do, feed them any way you can. You're a good mommy, don't be so hard on yourself. I hope the idiot actually pays you this time.

Cadwell, hubby is just like his mother...exactly! I really, really wish I knew that before I married him. The true personality never came out until I started to lose the weight. Which makes no sense to me, since I weighed just under 150 when we married. I did find out through that arguement that he honestly believes i will never leave him, so he can treat me however he wants. That works in my favor because if I do decide I'm out of here, then it will be a total shock to him. He'll just come home to an empty house. I don't want it to come down to that, but if he starts this again or tries too much to force me to stop losing weight, it's what will have to happen. He's held me down enough, I"m done.

It is kind of mean but if he asks you next time how you will support yourself you could smile sweetly and tell him with your spousal and child support of course. In my state, you can get up to 50% of his income just in child support and he will be garnished. You could do something then part-time so you could have more time with the kids. Just bide your time and hopefully he will wake up and smell the coffee is done brewing! Just try to be as loving as you can be-I know it is hard when they are being soooooo ugly! Hopefully he will get more secure as he sees through your actions the depth of the love you have for him and it will mellow over time.
Melissa

I think Melissa is right. Your DH is acting out like a real jerk right now but that doesn't mean that he will always be like that. Is he under some new pressure and he's letting it out on you cause he's scared that you will leave when you reach your goal? Gas prices must be hard on him. For that he can blame George W and the mess he is making.
He must have some real good qualities or you would not have married him, so I think you should be real quiet about your loses, stash whatever money you can hide, and wait and see. (this of course is marraige advise from an overweight woman, me, who just sent her DH a nasty email cause he is traveling and I am lonely and mad.)
Laura

He is acting completely sweet today, like nothing happened at all. We'll see how long that lasts. Hopefully he can handle it if I just don't talk about it, he'll see the difference but I won't say a word. We'll see. I'd hate to break up our family because he couldn't handle me getting healthy. After 5 years, you'd think it couldn't end over something so petty, sheesh. It really would be hard on him if I did leave, since I'd go to Ohio and he'd have to travel 8 hours to see the kids. I"m not looking for it to go that far. He's already acting like it's all over in his mind.

Maybe he's bipolor or something one minute he's mad, the next he doesn't care about that anymore.

Theresa

I wish you were closer Laura-I love would love a coffee-tea buddy or someone to walk with. I spend all my time alone (except with kids). I spent alot of time alone even when married because dennis would leave before the chickens and sometimes not come home at all and sleep at the job site he was working on. Then he drove truck and he was gone for weeks and would only stay home maybe a day or two and then be gone again. A neighbor man came to my home one time threatening to beat me up and he wouldn't even leave the job for that. He told me just to go in and lock the door. I know it is hard to be alone. I have for one found all you guys and it helps and I just try to keep myself as busy as possible which is usually no problem during the day but nights are still hard sometimes. I have lots of books, a hobby, and sometimes I just go to bed. It is just a season right now in my life and I try to make the best of it. I have sympathy for you though cause I remember how hard it was when I was married.
Melissa

Thanks Melissa. Isn't it something. Here we are, on opposite side of the country, we would not recognize each other if we passed in the street, and yet we can help each other. I truly love the net and the changes it has made in our lives. I don't understand my friends who refuse to use computers for anything other than typing a letter. They are missing so much that's out there. I've said it lots, but I couldn't be doing this without all this support. On a night like tonight I would have gone to the store and bought a Chunky Monkey pint and eaten the whole thing. Now I am drinking water and coming to this board and not blowing my food plan.
Laura