Hey there!

Mette, your exercising was really good for the weekend! As usual, my eating was good, but no exercise (except for cleaning, which at least gets my heartrate up!) I would love to go hiking. We've got some really nice foothills and trails around here. Maybe I'll plan that for next weekend.

Wasn't feeling well yesterday. It's "that time of the month" and I tend to get really crampy, so after I ran my errands, I sat in the sun, read, took a nap... a very relaxing, if unproductive, day. I picked up a couple of books from Borders, "Eating for Life", the cookbook that goes with "Body for Life" and "Bushido: The way of the Warrior" which is the text that outlines how to be a good samurai. Yeah, I know, why do I need to know how to be a good samurai, right? Ha ha... Actually, a lot of their principles can be applied to living a good life today. I'm very interested in Eastern philosophy, so I really enjoyed reading it yesterday.

Anyway, I'm feeling a little sluggish this morning, and not looking forward to going to work. Hopefully my energy will increase as the day goes on. I didn't go grocery shopping yesterday, so I need to do that after work. Probably won't get in exercise. Hmph. Hope you all have a good day!

Hi – hope you’re all having a nice Monday.

Jessica – you shouldn’t disregard cleaning as exercise! Sometimes it’s really good exercise! And I like hiking in the summertime (when it’s not raining or too warm), I like bringing water and snacks, and just enjoy moving and being outdoors.

Sorry you’re being a bit sluggish – hope your day is improving a bit?

I’ve heard very good things about Body for Life and Eating for Life, probably because a lot of the “ladies who lifts” have used/ are using the system. What do you think? Is it something you would want to try?
I’m thinking a lot about doing the weight lifting a bit more seriously, starting at the gym next week, get some instructions, and get started. But I seem to be stalling. I don’t want to start before I know I will stick with it – but how do I know that before I try? I’m not making much sense.
The Samurai book sounds interesting – I completely get the attraction to Eastern traditions and philosophies. You watched the Last Samurai movie the other week too, didn’t you?

But the reason for this rambling post was actually a very short and simple one: I just wanted to tell you that I tried your mock mashed potatoes! And I loved them!!! Definitely going on my list! Yummy yummy!

Ang, how are you doing?

Good morning~

Ang, we haven't heard from you since Saturday night. I hope you're ok.

Mette: I'm so glad you liked the "mock potatoes"! I think they are really tasty too. They make a perfect, healthy side dish. The Body for Life/Eating for Life thing is very sensible. It's very much like what I already do, eating-wise, although I'm not always successful at having 1 serving of protein and 1 serving of carbs at every meal, especially breakfast. Yesterday I ate trying to eat the FBL/EFL way:

Breakfast: 1/2 cup oatmeal, 1tbsp. peanut butter, rice/soy milk, wheat germ
Snack: 2 lg. whole grain crackers with roast beef, cheddar cheese
Lunch: 1 tuna quesadilla (1 ww tortilla, hickory smoked tuna, nf cream cheese, lf shredded cheese, red bell peppers, green onions, salsa)
Snack: 1 sm apple, 1 protein bar
Dinner: 1 sm chicken breast w/ slice of cheddar, bacon bits, 1 sm potato, broccoli
Snack: 1/2 cup sugar-free, nf chocolate pudding w/ cottage cheese

I ate a bit too much cheese, but other than that I think I did really well. The exercising in BFL is really focused and weightlifting is really important. I tend to feel a little overwhelmed when I think about the exercise routine, because it's so structured. That's a good thing, but it calls for exercising 6 times a week (3 days cardio, 3 days weight lifting) which, when I can barely do 2 days a week, seems very hard to do. I'll ease into it and work up to the routine at some point.

My day yesterday got better. I didn't get home until 7:30 last night because I went grocery shopping, which sucked because I still had to cook dinner, and Mike had to leave at like 4:30 this morning and won't be back until Thursday, so I didn't get to spend much time with him.

Oh, and about "The Last Samurai", we didn't watch it last week, but I had seen it when it first came out on DVD. It really does have a good story line, not all just violence and sword fights. If you like Japanese culture, I think you'd love the movie.

I'm still feeling crampy and icky this morning. Time to start popping Midol... ha ha... Hope you have a great day. Talk to you later!

Hi there. Sorry fo rbeing gone but been very busy and not able to get to e-mail. I think I just ran myself intot he ground the last couple of days to avoid parts of reality. I'm try, really I am. I just never seem to get anywhere.

Jessica - congrats on the inch loss in the hips. That's great! I'd give anything for some movement somewhere. Don't discount the loss wherever it happens.

I think what you did with your parents was good. You through something out there about Mike and observed the reaction. At least you have a little more information about their feelings. How do you feel about the situation and possibly not telling them?

I reread my post and laughed because Jessica you are right. I should listen to my own advice. I am hoping to talk to bf tonight. he may have the day off and I am going to invite myself over and not leave until I am sure one way or the other. I just can't take this anymore. I am not living the rest of my life and work is suffering and my house isn't fit for a pig.

Great weekend mette! Good food and good activity. Way to go! I spent about 7 hours working on the farm this weekend and hung out with some friends but no running in a week. I get way off track when I get in an emotional and mental upheaval. I was never in my house the whole weekend. I just kept really busy doing nothing important. My eating wasn't too bad in the last couple of days though but I feel like I have gained 2 pounds. Is this just from not running? I'm getting very frustrated. I am still working on the farm each day. I would think that would be enough activity to at least maintain. Yesterday's eating (in case I am missing something bad):

breakfast - fiber one, blueberries, soy milk, walnuts
lunch - apricot, blueberries, slice of chicken quesadilla
snack - 3 slices turkey, slice lf swiss cheese
dinner - big salad (romaine, dried cranberries, blue cheese crumbles, nonfat blue cheese dressing, almond slices
dessert at friends - homemade peach pie with scoop of vanilla ice cream (ok - I know this one was not good)

mette - why are you hesitant about the weight lifting? Is there something about it that concerns you? After reading your post I realized that is another thing that I keep meaning to find time for but have not. Maybe we could make a pact together to start doing it?

I'm glad you're feeling a little bit better Jessica. That time of the month can really suck the energy out of you.

Ladies - sorry I was gone and this post was a little choppy. Everything you wrote was important but I have to get back to work. I will do my best to get back on later. I think I just need to jump back in - it sounds like you both are doing very well. Jessica - keep us up to date on the exercise. Maybe while Mike is gone you can make some time to get to the gym? mette - did you run this morning?

One more complaint - I feel physically ill as I am exhausted, have a migrane and got bitten on the chin by something at the farm last night so it hurts and I have a big red spot on my chin. I hope I wasn't bit by something dangerous. bf is always warning me to be careful on the farm because there are bad spiders and all sorts of things there. Yikes!

Take care - Ang

It’s good to have you both back again!

Jessica – about the BFL eating, I can see that it would be quite easy for you to do, because you eat really well.
For me - I’m not really sure how I could structure my day around it, and also – I normally don’t eat that much protein, and since I don’t eat meat, I would have to rely more on protein bars and shakes. It would be quite a change for me. But I have been thinking about it.
The exercise would probably be hard to get used to too, not the 3 days with cardio, but the 3 days with weight lifting. For cardio I could keep jogging 2 days a week, and just add one day at the gym using the row-machine/ bicycle/ treadmill/etc.

When you overdid and burnt out on exercise, what were you doing at the time, Jessica? Lifting weights? A little of everything?

Ang – it’s good to have you back. And also good to hear that you’ve kept yourself busy with the farm and with friends. Sometimes – it’s the best thing to do. It’s also very good that your eating was OK. It looks really good – and even the dessert Ang (it sounds very good!). I had fresh raspberries with vanilla yogurt today (and not the fat free kind either!), and it was delicious! I truly love this time of year with fresh berries and fruits!

And yes, I did run this morning. Even though I’m feeling a bit sluggish too. I go to bed early and can’t seem to get enough sleep – a couple of weeks ago I noticed that I woke up earlier in the morning and had a lot of energy in the morning. That’s not the case this week! But I got myself out of bed this morning and dragged my feet along – and went jogging. And I always feel a bit better after – even though it didn’t go very well – at least it got done! I’m going early to bed tonight to see if I can shake this with sleep.

And Ang – hope your chin is better?

It’s also my last week at work. We are mainly working on the written report now, and it’s a lot of work to get references and the bibliography in order. Next week – my vacation - I’m doing things to prepare for the fall: some painting (a bookshelf, a door, a table…), I have to fix my kitchen counter, I have to organize papers and notes from last semester and get it into folders and such. Things like that. I also would like really nice weather so that I can spend long days in the park – reading! And start to look at what the next semester will look like. See if I can build up some “going-back-to-school-feeling”!
(Yes, I do know I’m very lucky!)

About lifting weights and being hesitant Ang, I would love to make a pact!
I want to try it, but gyms intimidate me quite a lot. And I can do the machines, the treadmills and such – but I’ve never dared to enter the area where the free weights are. I know it’s just stupid insecurities, and what I should do is get an hour with an instructor for my first time.
But I keep postponing it, you know?
Maybe we all three should make a pact? A weight lifting pact? (That sounds cool! Heh. )

OK. Hope you’re having a great Tuesday. Talk to you later.

I'm going to pack my gym gear and go right after work, no matter how busy it is. If I come home first, I know I'll be doomed and not go. I think the pact would be a great idea! Mette, do you think you can schedule an appointment with a trainer between now and next Monday? We can all kick it into gear next week, and post our training routines like we post our food. I know I need to start working my muscles to increase my metabolism, and it would probably be good for all of us.

With that said, Ang, I'm so glad to hear from you! I get worried when you're not around for a couple of days! ha ha... Have you gone to the Dr. about the bite yet? Considering you're not feeling well, you might want to have it checked out, just in case. I'm feeling better myself. I realized that I kind of have a short work week, since Thursday I'll be on that interview panel all day, and I'm off on Friday. That's a good feeling!

Mette, I think you'd be eating ALOT of cottage cheese on the BFL eating plan, and eggs, and tofu/soy stuff. He requires that you have a portion of protein with every meal (about the size of the palm of your hand, he says.)

Anyway, I'll check in again tonight when I get home. Hope you all have a good afternoon and evening. Ang, good luck!

It's good to be back. Today I crashed after running around like a mad woman. I blew off my track workout and did not mow. I just ate, cleaned a little and sat on the couch. I can't believe I am not in bed yet (hint - this will be short). I think I just needed a day for me. Plus, bf has day off and did not want to see me. I am trying to talk to him but I wonder if he is avoiding me knowing that I want to talk. Anyway, I'm trying not to worry about it to much and concentrate on me and my life and work. There is enough of that to do these days. Tomorrow if the weather is not rainy, although it is supposed to, I promise to get out on my bike or run. Please hold me to it.

I don't know anything about this BFL thing. Is it something that I should look into? I got VERY frustrated tonight thinking about what to do about dinner. I realized that when I eat crap (as in pull something from here and there) for dinner I eat too much because I am never satisfied. I just eat until I am full (usually too full). I don't know how, but I must change my ways so I actually sit down and eat a proper and tasty dinner.

mette - good job on getting out this morning to jog even though you were dragging. You have great will power and determination. I hope you are feeling better. My chin is still sore and has a big red mark on it (size of quarter). I am just hoping it goes away. I don't think it is anything to worry about but did it have to be on my chin?

Are you sad about finishing your job? You are very lucky to be going back to school. Regular jobs stink. Good luck getting organized and everything. When you're done you could come organize my house. It's on my list of things I must do.

I'm all for a weightlifting pact. I will just use the dumbbells I have at my house. mette - someone told me once that most people in gyms are so concerned with how they look that they barely notice that other people are in the room. Just ignore everyone else and think about how lean and strong you will be when you are done. I think Jessica has a great idea about starting Monday. How many days a week should we be aiming for? Upper and lower body?

Jessica - did you make it to the gym today? You are so lucky to have a short week. I hope the interview is fun and interesting.

Gotta get some sleep. Until tomorrow. Ang

Hi gals,

The good news is, I went to the gym, lifted weights, followed the BFL lifting plan, pushed myself and feel so good about it! I did upper body, mostly free weights. I feel energized and powerful and have seen my poor muscles respond in very positive ways to the few times I've lifted. Yay! The bad news is, I warmed up on a different elliptical machine than I'm used to, only for two minutes, mind you, and now I can hardly bend my knee. I have a horrible pain in the bottom of my thigh, the muscle that contracts around the knee, and truly can barely walk. I was doing alright as long as I kept moving, but as soon as I sat down to eat dinner, it stiffened up and hurts bad! Leave it to me to hurt my knee on a night I'm working on my upper body. What a dork. Anyway, I'll put some Ben-gay on it and a brace and hope it feels better tomorrow.

Ang, the premise of the "Body for Life" book and program is based on "transforming" your body in 12 weeks. The eating plan is a lot like I already do, eat 6 small meals a day, all with 1 portion of protein, 1 portion of healthy carbs, and added veggies to at least 2 meals. You follow the eating plan for 6 days out of the week, and then have a "free day" where you eat whatever you want. There are a couple of different reasons for that which he outlines in the book. The workout plan consists of exercising 6 days a week, alternating upper body weights, cardio, and lower body weights, with your "free day" off. He's very specific about the amounts of cardio (20 minutes, interval training) and weightlifting (has a whole, timed routine with increasing levels of intensity) and as I realized tonight, the weightlifting plan beats the heck out of the standard 12-reps of one weight. It's all good stuff, and having that 12-week goal might be a really good thing for you; I know that I'm starting to encorporate more of his program into what I'm doing. If you have a chance to check the book out, let me know what you think.

I'm also jealous about mette going to school! The closest thing I have to a "dream" is to be able to quit my job and go back to school full time. I've never done that. Even when I was in high school I worked. What a dufus I was! I've always worked full time, even when I was taking a full load of classes. Ugh.

Well, time to Dr. up my leg and get ready for bed. Hope you guys have a great day tomorrow!

Yey! Jessica!!! Congrats on getting to the gym!!! And feeling great about it too. Except for the stupid muscle-pulling - hope that gets better right away!
I don't know much about the weightlifting routine in BFL - what does it mean that it's not the standard type but based on increasing levels of intensity? You're lifting heavier and heavier weights when repeating the exercises?
I will schedule an appointment with an instructor at the gym, but I don't know just when yet. I just registered for my next semester yesterday (did I mention the postponing part?). I did this online, and I'll need to receive the receipt first. I'll need this receipt to register at the gym (and get student price). Then I can get an appointment with an instructor. But let me see what I can find out about this today, and get back to you. OK?

I would love for us to get serious about training and eating together!

Ang - great to have you back! I know this is something I need to learn too: how to stick around on days that suck. It's part of finding out how to stick with it (for me).
It's so much easier when everything is going great, but I'm learning the most important things on the days that suck. The great days are more like the reward in between the hard work. But I'm really trying to learn to enjoy the journey this time, you know?
And I'm just finding out how much eating well changes my mood too. I've never seen it as clearly before I think.

As for our pact - - I suggest we aim for weightlifting 3 days a week, alternating between upper and lower body. This way we can follow the same "rhythm", but Jessica can do BFL at the gym, Ang can do dumbbells, and I can do standard lifting at the gym. I'm aiming for weightlifting on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

I have another thing I wondered about. We have been posting here at the "Buddy up" forum, but I think we should look into moving our thread to "Support Groups" - we have sort of established ourselves as a group (Yey!).
And we'll need a name on the thread of course. Being the dork that I am, I would love for us to have a cool name like "The Pact" or something. (Heh!)
What do you guys think? Let's discuss!

Everybody have a great day with lots of exercise!
(no rain for Ang, and no aching muscles for Jessica!)

Ha ha... Mette, I was thinking the same thing, only something more along the lines of "The Dumbells"....

I know what you mean about the way food affects your mood. To tell you the truth, I've felt happier and healthier in the last month than I have in the last two years. It cannot just be a coincidence. Not only did I feel bad about myself for indulging EVERY day in whatever I want, and having food, like an unhealthy breakfast or big dinner my highpoint for my day, but I was getting a lot of colds, infections (I got two sinus infections back to back) and generally feeling tired and sluggish. Some days I just couldn't get out of bed.

The BFL weightlifting routine: Here's a for instance... Last night I did upper body, chest, shoulders, back, triceps and biceps. You chose 2 exercises for each muscle. For the chest, I did 6 sets-

Dumbell chest press:
12 Reps, 8 lb. dumbells, intensity at 5 (he describes your personal intensity level in the book)
Rest 1 minute
10 reps, 10 lbs., intensity at 6
Rest 1 minute
8 reps, 12 lbs., intensity at 7
Rest 1 minute
6 reps, 20 lbs., intensity at 8
Rest 1 minute
12 reps, 20 lbs., intensity at 9
No rest, then change exercise immediately
12 reps (dumbell flyes), 10 lbs, intensity at 10
Rest 2 minutes and move to next body part set

You write everything down on a chart (I use a 3x5 card) so that you know what you need to increase/decrease next time. Ang is right about the gym. Everyone's so self involved, they hardly notice you. I felt really weird about being so focused, knowing what exercises I was going to do, wandering around for a minute between each set, and writing everything down. But I just did what I needed to do, knowing I had a plan. Of course I'm still quarentining myself in the "women only" section because I too am a little intimidated by the guys. I figure the more I know about what I'm doing and the better I get, I'll break out and go use the good equipment (the women only gym has really old equipment and usually at least one dumbell is M.I.A.) Work out however you feel comfortable and try not to mind everyone else.

My knee feels better. I haven't taken the brace off yet, but I think I'll be ok. I don't think I'll work out today though. A coworker gave me a ticket to her daughter's dance recital just down the street from my house. I actually love watching dancing so I'll probably go to that tonight. Plus I'd feel bad if I didn't go since she gave me a free ticket.

Here's my eating for yesterday, it was really good and I need to think about today's menu, so posting may help:

Breakfast: 2 hardboiled eggs, 1 orange
Snack: 2 string cheese, 1 apple
Lunch: Chicken ranch ww pita w/ lettuce, cucumber, tomato
Snack: Lite blueberry yogurt w/ 1 scoop protein powder
Dinner: Ground turkey "goulash" with low carb tomato sauce, zucchini, red bell peppers, onions and "No Yolk" egg noodles
Snack: ff, sugar free chocolate pudding w/ 1 scoop protein powder

Hope everyone has a great day. I'm off to get ready for work!

Good morning.

Yeh Jessica. It's great that you got to the gym. I'm so happy for you that you enjoyed your weight lifting. I wrote down the name of that book and will definitely check it out. I'll let you know what happens with it. I hope your leg is feeling better today. Hopefully it is just a sore muscle. Did you ice it at all?

I am getting excited to start our program. mette - definitely let us know what you find out about the gym. It is raining here today so I may not be able to run, but I can definitely use my dumbbells. That will be my goal for tonight if it is still raining tonight. I'm trying to think positive. I agree mette, that when I exercise I feel better mentally. I haven't had eating success so I don't really know if that would make a difference. Mostly, if I think about food I think that I feel deprived of the foods that I love. I'm kindof a picky eater when it comes to what I really like. I have learned to eat other foods but don't necessarily enjoy them. When I am thinking abou not exercising I will try to remember how I will feel when I'm done. Maybe I'll even write down some thoughts after I exercise the next time and feel good.

I hate to be a downer, but I haven't gotten to the point where I can enjoy the journey. You both seem to be in different and better places than me but I'll get there eventually.

I can try for three days a week. Just to understand then that we will do three upper body routines within a two week period and three lower body workouts in the same two week period? Don't forget some abs at each workout though. mette - I also like your idea of moving to the support group forum. A name would be good and "The Pact" is fine with me. Maybe if that is our name then it will give us more incentive to stick to it.

The rain is here and so is the work. Yikes - been on the internet too long. Be back later. Have a great Wednesday!

Ang

I’m getting a bit excided to start our program too, Ang!

Jessica – the BFL weightlifting sounds great – but at this stage it’s way too complicated for me. I have to start somewhere easy. With some straightforward exercises, a fixed number of repeats and weight. Mostly because I’m completely new to this, I’ve only done a few very simple exercises at home – so I think I have to ease my way into the whole “weightlifting at a gym” thing. My gym does not have a woman-area for weights – so I’ll have to go straight in to where the guys are. But I’ll just take both your words for it: that nobody is looking or noticing.

Also – your eating looks really good as usual, Jessica. And great news that your knee seems fine!

Ang, about being afraid of feeling deprived of the food you really like – sometimes it works to modify that food (so that it’ll have less calories) or to eat less of it, but I’ve found that other times I really need to eat it! There is no way I can live my life feeling deprived all the time – I would end up miserable, mean, and grumpy!
And I haven’t really gotten to the point where I enjoy the journey most of the time either, but I’m working on getting there. Working on getting a more positive attitude toward what I’m doing.
And don’t feel that you’re being left behind or anything, because this will go on for a very long time – and there will be all kinds of ups and downs along the way. I was thinking the other day that I’m almost half through this period of loosing weight (August through October left), but after that I will have to maintain the weight for at least 6 months, probably 9. And then do another loosing weight period. And then another maintaining period. So I’m talking a couple of years before I’m anywhere close to “done”. A long time.

You’ll get there Ang, of course you will.

About the upper/lower alternations – aren’t we suppose to just alternate so that each week you’re either doing: upper – lower – upper, or: lower – upper – lower (that would be the next week?)? And abs, yes Ang – we’ll do them on both upper and lower days?

So we are agreeing on moving. That’s good. Jessica – “the dumbbells” is a good name. My thoughts about “the pact” was that it would include both exercise *and* eating, but I’m open for other ideas too.

Wednesday and weightlifting at home for me. My eating has been OK, I’m trying out new recipes with beans – but not everything is a success!
I’m also working on keeping up my calories, I have this tendency to limit my calories more and more as time goes on. I started with 1500 in April, then gradually I ate less and less, I’m not really sure why. Something about pushing it, when it’s working I suppose. My average on a week should be 10.500 and I’ve been down to 9000 for weeks – so this week I’m eating more again. And try to eat more varied. My goal is 10.500 calories this week.
If I don’t do these things – eat enough, eat varied, eat food I want – I will not be able to see this through. I know that. And I really want to see this through this time!

OK. Have nice Wednesdays guys!

I wonder if my eating and exercise affects my mood or if my mood affects my eating and exercise. I think it is the latter at the beginning. I think having some success helps the ball rolling for me but the mood has to be there first. I am glad both of you are doing so well and feeling so good. I hope you can use it to keep up the momentum.

THE BFL lifting does sound pretty involved. More power to you Jessica for doing it, and liking it. Keep it up. I would imagine you get used to it but you need to have the weights ready to go, right? I'm not sure what I should do with the dumbbells. Maybe I'll use that routine from the web that we talked about before - Krista or something. I think I printed it out.

Jessica - so glad to hear that your knee is feeling better. Congrats on another awesome day of eating. I couldn't say no when a coworker asked me to go out to lunch (I hadn't brought anything since I am in desperate need of groceries) and didn't protest when she suggested a Chinese buffet. The weird thing is that I didn't even enjoy it that much. I think I am just so 'mad and frustrated' at food that I don't really take pleasure in eating anything. One day I am going to scan these posts and write down a bunch of ideas and then go to the market. Thanks for posting the food, it really helps me and hopefully it helps you too.

I'm with mette on the weights. I need something simple and not too time consuming. When I have used dumbbells in the past I was able to be done in 30 minutes. Maybe I wasn't working hard enough but I did everything I was told to do. I don't know what I would do for an hour and a half (the amount of time bf takes to lift). I guess it's different for men who want to bulk?
mette - you described the exact order I was thinking of with the alternating weights. Does anyone have any suggestions on ab routines?

I think the name should represent both the eating and exercising. I have to say that 'the dumbbells' is cute but I don't think I would want to deal with the negative connotation since we are obviously three very smart ladies. I don't have any other ideas though.

mette - it seems like you really understand what you need to do with your eating. I'm glad you are adjusting your caloric intake if it has been declining. You definitely don't want to slow your body down. I hope the weightlifting goes well today.

I am getting ready to leave work and have so much that I didn't get done. A coworker took all my time today on a new project so I didn't get any of the 'old' stuff done. I am bringing work home but you can guess how that will go. I am also looking outside and seeing how bleak it looks. In my head I want to go running, but my body says no way, just be lazy or go grocery shopping and then be lazy. I feel like a blimp after the Chinese lunch. I am trying to convince myself that getting outside would be the first step to changing this cycle. I just don't know if I have the energy or motivation to take the first step. Why do I make this so hard? I wish one of you were here to give me a swift kick.

Ang

I didn't run again.

I don't know what/who I hate more: me, bf, food, or being fat. Please kick me - go ahead, kick me. you guys are great, but these are the times when I really wish I had someone here in town to grab me and pull me out of the house. Once I get started I should be alright or at least better.

I hope you both had a good evening. See you tomorrow.

Ang

Ang, please don't hate yourself. You've done nothing wrong, other than not doing what you know you WANT to do, deep down, and what you NEED to do for yourself. You don't have control over your boyfriend's actions. You don't have control over food (in other words, you need food to live and if you constantly try to fight it, you're going to lose.) You don't even have immediate control over "being fat." What you DO have control over is YOU. Your actions. Who you associate with. What and how much you eat. What you do to take care of yourself. If you really hated yourself, you wouldn't care if you were "fat", wouldn't be hurt by your boyfriend, wouldn't be frustrated by what you eat and not exercising. What we all need to assess are the things we want, the things we need, the things we can control, and the things we can't, and stop beating ourselves up about it all, stop being scared, stop thinking "I can't..." and "maybe if/when..." Please know that when I'm typing this, I'm writing to myself, too.

I spent this evening at my co-worker's daughter's dance recital. First of all, I fell in love with the tiny kids, the 4-5 year olds. It made me feel sad that I don't have any kids yet and that I haven't gotten myself into a position where I could right now. The next thoughts I had were about how unsupportive my parents were, and how I never got involved in activities like dancing or sports because they were always working and never encouraged me. There was a dance group of older girls, high school/college age, who were SO good. They were amazing. Graceful, in great shape, beautiful, coordinated, had the loudest cheering section in the whole place. I guess I realized that there is no reason on earth why I can't be and have all those things. The only thing keeping me from being graceful, sexy, active, talented, is that I haven't truly believed it's possible. I don't have the faith in myself to be all of these things. So, I am making it my priority every day, to do what I need to do to lose weight. To be in the best body I can be in, so that I can start seeing myself as that dancer on stage. So I can get out of my head and in touch with my body, it's gracefullness, sexiness and beauty. Because it's there for all of us. We just need to believe it and then cultivate it.

I'm tired and need to go to bed, but I wanted to share that with you and let you know that you're ok. I'm not there to kick you in the butt, so this is the best I can do.