Fi - that work table is gorgeous!

This morning I didn't leave myself much time before work but I did do Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred, Level 3. And did NOT have any of the 1000 temptations at my work

So I had a yucky past week, so down because of the weather, and so inactive. But I did ALOT before work this morning, folded clothes, cleaned off my bureau top, and have plans for more decluttering soon.

I'm thinkin' about you, too, Lisa.

Remember Pandora's box? How she let out all those bad things into the world, but at the bottom of the box, there was hope?

There is always hope. I believe that very strongly. I have been in some very dark places, for long periods of time, and still I believe: there is always hope. It's there even when you feel you have given it up.

Some of you will remember my saga with my Belgian friend, with whom I had a passionate (there's no other word for it) daily correspondence, in French, until she cut me off in January of this year. Since then, we have had intermittent contact, both in email and snail-mail. She even sent me a birthday present! Some of our contact has been cool and reserved on her side, but some of it's been like our friendship was rekindled. In recent months, it's been quite friendly and open, just with frustrating gaps when she disappears for a while... then she reappears, hinting that something bad happened, but not telling me what it was.

Right before I left for the farm, I sent her a very short email saying I'd be off the Net for a while, and I described what Bob and I were doing, setting up an auxiliary studio there. She's always been very interested in my art, because she is an artist herself. Commenting on each other's art on Flickr is how we met in the first place.

When I got home, I noticed there was no reply from her, which puzzled me. Even as unpredictable as she has been, I expected she would reply to my last email.

Tonight I went through what I received while I was gone more carefully, and discovered there was a message that my last email bounced. It said, about her email address, "That address does not exist."

Is this how it finally ends? I'm rather busted up tonight, not for the first time, over my ill-fated friendship with this woman.

Lisa: I am so very sorry that you are struggling and feeling hopeless right now. Do you know what triggered it? Is it the migraines and feeling lousy physically too often or did something else happen on top of that? Regardless, that is a crappy place to be, I know all too well. Please trust that you have been in difficult situations before and pulled through them, so you will come through this difficult time okay, too. I promise you that things WILL get better!!! Please hang in there and take the time you need off work, if necessary, to just rest your body and mind. It's time to take care of Lisa first. The rest will fall into place in time. I will keep you in my prayers!

Holly: I can imagine that the sale of your family homestead ~ with all of its history and memories for you ~ would be tough to deal with. Glad you identified that. Sometimes just knowing what triggers our melancholy moods helps, so that we can focus your attention in the right direction. I am glad that you wrote all about the history of the place to us and that it helped you to do that. Very interesting! The place sounds totally "kewl"!!! Its sale will be like closing the chapter in the book of your life. But remember that there are new memories to make and new chapters to write in your life!

AmyLynne: Happy to hear that you had a wonderful day with your best friends! Good luck working the overnight this week!

Fi: Welcome back! It sounds like you had a good time at the farm. Your work table is awesome! I would love to have that kind of space somewhere in my house to do crafty things. That is very ODD about your Belgian friend's email address disappearing. I don't even know what to think or say to you about it, except that I am sorry that she seems to be messing with your mind a bit. I would proceed with caution if you do hear back from her. Just my two cents! Follow your heart!

Kathleen, Fi, Holly, everyone...I had a thought this morning. Perhaps...just perhaps all these steroids I have taken had worked and what I have been experiencing have been sinus migraines. It hit me like a bullet. That would explain why I wasn't getting better, I wasn't treating my problem. I went out and bought some sinus headache pills which treat sinus congestion, pressure and pain.

I actually feel pretty good. Let's see how I feel for a few days.

Thank you all for your wonderful lifting up, your support.

Lisa: I hope your theory is correct and the sinus meds help! Let us know how it goes. Glad you seem to have found a bit of hope! Still praying for you!

Thanks, y'all, for the supportive comments about my Belgian friend, Ignace. Yes, it's true, she's a drain on me emotionally. And that's something I just don't need right now, with sick kittens getting four different medications, some of them multiple times a day. It's not slowing them down much, though, and they're gaining weight like they're supposed to: I'm glad for that. But their level of sexual maturity means it's time for at least one of them to be fixed. So Oscar goes in to be neutered on Thursday, because our vet won't spay Nénu—a much more major operation—when she's still this congested from the cold they've both had since we got 'em.

We have a couple of other big issues hanging over our heads right now. Bob's mother has rapidly worsening dementia—most probably Alzheimer's—which means she's not safe living in her apartment anymore. It's time for her to move to the more central and much more expensive "assisted living" part of her retirement community. That will mean a studio apartment and necessitate giving up a lot of her furniture & other extraneous possessions. Bob and his sister who lives close are on the phone talking about it nearly every night.

And we're facing the issue of whether his mom should just go ahead and do what she's been willing to do for some time: sign the deed for the farm over to us, while she's still competent (barely) to do so. We've been content up 'til now to wait and inherit the property, but if she ends up living for as much as five more years in a grey fog, the farm would be part of the assets the retirement community would draw on. We obviously don't want that to happen. It would be a big step for us, financially & otherwise, to take over full management of the farm, and it's a very hard one for Bob to take.

Meanwhile, his eldest sister, out in California, is facing two terminal illnesses: inoperable lung cancer and severe COPD, from many decades of chain smoking. She has recently (finally!) quit smoking, because now she requires concentrated oxygen plus a nebulizer just to stay alive. She's been "a miracle patient," according to her oncologist, to have made it this far, but her options are very limited. She wants to make it to her second daughter's graduation from med school, next spring I think, but even that is a lot to hope for. She was Bob's most nurturing caretaker when he was growing up, so that's another big load on his mind. Lots of angst—that's the situation all 'round for him.

I'm doing well, mood-wise, but with all of this going on, I don't have much energy. Something as simple as running a couple of errands and going grocery shopping wipes me out for the day. All the gas I have left by evening is enough to do my 600 leg lifts, which I desperately need to keep up, for the sake of my knees. I wish I could've made another collage tonight, but it wasn't in the cards. =sigh= I'm going to be talking to my Qigong instructor on Thursday about this energy problem, that's for sure.

Thanks again, and best wishes to all of you...

Hi Holly, HI Kathleen, Welcome meandu,

Well, my head hurts today and I had to take something for it but it's not busting out with pain. I am about to lay down and take a nap though.

I am taking a math class this session and I have math homework coming out my ears. I will start back up after my nap.

I am in a little better mood today, not so down despite being under the gun with my math class.

Have a great day. Much love to all.

Hello!

Fi, oh my gosh you and your guy have alot to deal with now! first, really sorry about your friend, she is certainly sending signals that she doesn't want to communicate..well, her loss! and it's too bad she couldn't have been a little mature about it. Best wishes to the boy kitty with his operation.

Lisa - I am sorry you still have head pain, but glad it isn't quite as bad. Yay to you for your continuing education!!! Hope you are (were) able to do your math homework.

amylynne- your Sunday sounded so nice really glad it was happy for you. Oh yes you will almost always see me type sn*w because to me, it's a bad word

Kathleen - Hi you! I see you've been responding and supporting everyone but I don't see current stuff about YOU but I hope you're doing great because you are such a caring person!

I finally have 2 days off in a row, every week, that's the only good thing about the winter job But for as much as I was a slug last week, I did so much today!

Raked again ( I thought of you amylynne! and wanted you to rake with me since you like it so much ) and worked on getting ALOT of crap out of the garage, crammed my car with junk and re-use items and cardboard, and took a trip to the transfer station and since the man there is also a motorcyclist and knows me, it only cost $11.50 for my whole flippin Forester carload of crap! WIN!

It warmed up to 56 even with no sun, so I did take a ride into town to have a coffee and do the crossword puzzle at a Maplefield's. It was my 'me' time today.

Some of the stuff I went through, and tossed, today was boxes of letters and photos that I took from my dad's place, when he died; it was also boxes of stuff from his aunt's when SHE died..so lots of stuff. When I first got this over 10 years ago, I could NOT deal with it. I could not go through all those old photos and make decisions..so I packed it away in teh garage. Finally I am at a point where I could save some things, but tossed the rest. And I'm ok with that.

I did have a mini binge tonight..I've been on track for over a week, this is my first slip up. I think the damage was about 400 calories, but there were all white sugar calories, and I have had hardly any sugar in these 9 days. Oh well .

Checking in, my office moved this week. I'm tired, busy, and barely getting by. I found out on day one in the new building that my boss is leaving to take another job. This is devastating for me because most of my allies in the company have left and been replaced with people that I either don't work well with, or seem to have something against me. My boss is not only my last ally, but also the best boss I've ever had in my life and that's saying something. With my anxieties and mental health issues this is the first job I've held more than two months (two and a half years now). With her leaving I'm terrified of the new person that will come in under the person that seems to hate me and make my life miserable. I've been fighting the urge to just quit out of fear.

It's really triggering my emotion eating. I'm really really seeing now what a crutch sugar is for me. It's all I can think about right now. I did have a small cheat the day I found out she quit because we had a small celebration for the new office space and everyone was having fake (non alcoholic) champagne and chocolate dipped strawberries and my grief over hearing the news destroyed my will power so I caved and joined in the festivities. It probably did me more harm psychologically than anything cause now the cravings are vicious even though I actually lost a lot of weight. I cancelled my weigh in this week because I didn't have the motivation to get to my appointment even though I know I should have. But I couldn't really afford it anyways. I will go again next week.

I just feel all around crappy right now. Sad, guilty for cheating, frustrated for wanting to cheat more. Trying to look forward to this weekend, taking my fiance's three girls trick or treating, and volunteering at a gem show. Struggling to refocus though.

I hope that everyone's doing ok. I will likely be gone until Sunday at the earliest. Take care!!

Kay, I'm sorry you're feeling all around crappy! I so sorry you're feeling such anxiety about the new boss, that is always unsettling; and about losing your great former boss. Don't feel too bad about the 'cheating', as Kathleen says, Progress, not Perfection. I hope you have a great time taking the girls out trick or treating and hope you're in better spirits next time you check in

today was my "Sunday", I did work out http://www.fitnessblender.com/v/work...t-FB-Blend/jn/ and then made the trek (about 50 miles one way) to the closest Goodwill Store, I am looking so awful with my current jeans, and it's so hit or miss there, but I think I got some that will look alright. It's just that when a pair of jeans are loose on me, i feel sloppy; but if the material is right against my skin, I'm afraid I look awful. Ugh.

Hi Holly, Hi Kay, Hello ladies,

What a day.

arghhhhhhhh I just took a test and flunked by less than one percent. I had to get an 80% and I got a 79.2%. *facepalm* Just so frustrating...I am so already so behind in math. I have half a mind to give up and it's only the first week.


Anyway, onto better things. The air here is cool and crisp, fall is definitely with us.

Kay, I am so sorry you are losing your boss and friend at work. You need to hang in there and see who is her replacement. Pehaps that person won't be so bad??? You never know, sweetie unless you just wait and see. Don't let those negative thoughts rule you.

Holly, I love jeans and they can't be baggy on me. I like when they are a bit fitted even though my butt is huge. I usually wear my shirts down over it to hide how big it is.

I called in today, I have just been so spent and worn out. I needed a day off from job #2. That job is the one that...how do I word it? Taxes me, although I will say just working 2 jobs has taken it's toll. I just needed the afternoon off. Plus math isn't helping any either.


I guess that wasn't better things huh? Sorry, I guess I just vent to you all and often it isn't always good. I'm sorry. I feel bad for leaning on you all. You must get tired of my complaining.


I worked on my hat today for a while. I ALWAYS love that. Tomorrow night is crochet class, I might go. I'm not sure yet. Perhaps I'll call and see if anyone else is coming and then make my decision. My hat is actually coming along, I think it needs to be 10 in. and then I can sew the top together. I'd really like to make Jennifer one but it single crochet takes me so long, . I wish it was a bigger stitch although, I love single crochet. It is so smooth.


Ok, thats enough blabbering for now. Much love to all.

Hey friends Lisa I'm sorry about the test!! I have to say how can anyone take on a math class when already working 2 jobs, you are a Superwoman and I know you'll do better next time. I also admire your crocheting skills . Must be a nice relaxing thing to do on a cold evening. Sorry you needed to call in but I know you must have needed it.

I had a great 2 days off, it will sure be nice to have that regularly for the next 6 months.

We don't get any trick-or-treaters anymore, we used to when the boys were in school but not anymore. I am FINE with having NO candy in the house!! I wouldn't mind wearing some kind of costume to work for today but no one else at my work ever does, the one time I did it was so embarassing because I was the only one.

Made a big pot of chili-type stuff last night, I don't like chili powder but it's ground turkey, onions, red peppers sauteed, then a can of kidney beans, a can of cannelini beans, some other kind of beans, then tomato products, garlic, s & p. etc...simmer for a while, let it sit and get some flavor and it's pretty good. I then package up alot of containers, freeze them and it's my lunch for weeks.

Nice sunlight on the little mountain that is right outside the front window, even though it is not green anymore but the morning light on it is very pretty. I"m working on my winter attitude

much love to all

So sorry to hear you're struggling, Kay! I can really understand about how the change of boss would be very stressful. I hope you get a change to tell your outgoing boss how much she has meant to you: expressing gratitude is good for one's mood and outlook on life. Remember the glass is half full, not half empty. As for the sugar crutch thing, boy howdy have I been there! After battling it for literally decades, I finally discovered that the only way to give up sugar is to give it up...completely. I started last fall with a trial period of abstinence from my three most tempting sugar treats—cookies, candy, & donuts—and I liked the feelings of freedom and control it gave me so much, I went all the way to a sugar-free lifestyle. That doesn't mean I don't get sweet satisfactions: I put liquid stevia (SweetDrops brand) in my coffee every morning, and it really helps me face the day. When you're not eating any sugar at all, quite quickly you no longer crave it—and what a blessing that is!

I really envy you gals who can wear jeans. I can't wear anything but elastic-waist pants—never have, even when I was a skinny teenager—because my waist is so small complared to my hips, if I find jeans that fit my hips, you can literally stuff a pillow inside the waist band. When I wear elastic-waist pants, the elastic barely has to stretch, if at all, to fit my waist. Besides, I'm a sucker for comfort in my clothing...

I made new collage titled "speech bubbles". Don't worry about the issue with getting an ad: this one's on a different server that's ad-free. You'll have to click on the image to get a bigger version so you can read what's in the bubbles, which is worth doing, especially for the "history of women in the 20th century" part in the middle.

By the way, I should've added to the description of my sugar-free lifestyle that I do have VSOs (Very Special Occasions) when I allow myself one large dark chocolate bar. Hallowe'en, along with Christmas and my birthday, count as VSOs. I recommend it as a technique for avoiding that tempting Halloween candy: I make a clear division in my mind between the candy that belongs to the trick-r-treaters (or Bob, if he wants what's left over) and the dark chocolate bar that belongs to me. I find that between the lower sugar content of dark chocolate—which is good for you, and good for your mood!—and the fact of eating it very slowly to savor the rare treat, it doesn't make me crave any more sugar afterwards. Just a thought...