I am back on track, and it feels good to have my life (and most importantly: my space) back!

Jessica – I think you’re completely right: when you’re eating all the protein you need, there should be no need for extra amino acids.
And a very good day for you: getting Mike home and getting appreciation from your boss!

As normal, you eat very well. Can I ask you; do you ever get cravings for (bad) food now – or do you feel that the cravings go away when you’re eating so well?

Ang – you’ll figure out what to do with the BF eventually. It’s not like you’re in a hurry, is it? The farm – is that your place that you’re growing vegetables in? Or does he have a farm of his own?
No matter what - weeding must be good for burning calories – it’s hard work!
And Russian chocolate? What kind of chocolate is that? Dark?

My mother left yesterday evening, and – I don’t really know what to say about it. It wasn’t that bad, I was a little bored – as I said earlier. But it didn't end very well. It ended a bit emotionally – my mother was sad to go, she didn't want to leave and not see me for a long time. And I always feel it’s my fault. I should do better, be nicer, visit her more often, be more open, be warmer, etc etc. I ended up feeling low and kind of ashamed – so it wasn’t a very good ending.
Oh well. It’s done. Right now I’m just a bit numb I think.

But anyway, I wanted to tell you guys that I went to see Supersize Me! And man, everybody should see that movie! Even I – and I never eat fast food anymore, I haven’t done that for years (since I stopped eating meat a few years back) – needed to see that movie.
Because of course it’s not just about McDonalds. What shocked me the most was the bit about the school lunches at different junior high and high schools – were junk food was all that was offered. No vegetables. No fruits. No whole grains. Just fries, fried food, pizza, sweets, cakes, etc. Not a nice sight!
And I do recommend the movie, it was also very funny and smart. And everyone who’s ever binged or had periods when they’ve eaten a lot knew exactly what he was going through – with the highs and lows. Heh. Well, at least I did.
I wanted to go home and eat salad and exercise after seeing it!

I’ve also been watching (and enjoying) “I love the 90s!” at VH1. Can somebody tell me when the nineties became “so long ago”?
Good times! I had already forgotten most of the terrible clothes we used to wear in the early 90s.

So. how are you guys doing?

Off to go weed but wanted to welcome you back mette. I'll write more later. Not a bad day but busy at work so not much time for e-mail, or anything else for that matter.

Take care - Ang

Hi there!

Mette: So nice to have you back! I'm sorry the "goodbye" was so hard for your mom. I feel that way a lot with my grandparents. They live in a nursing home about 15 minutes from my house. I see them once a week when I'm being really good about visiting. They are just so happy to have company, and it breaks my heart when I leave. Although I love them dearly, it takes all the strength I can muster to go visit regularly, there are just so many other things I'd rather be doing, and a nursing home isn't the most pleasant place in the world to hang out. I try to put myself in their shoes, and do what is important for them, setting. I have a full life, and their family is all they really have now. I think sometimes the "sacrifices" we make for others makes us feel more full and content with ourselves in the long run, even though at the moment, it may be boring, painful or unpleasant.

I haven't really had many cravings since I've been eating healthier. I think sugar and junk are really like drugs in the sense that the more you have, the more you want. Once you get it out of your system, I think the desire for it tapers off. I think sometimes about how good the pancakes are at this one restaurant we used to go to all the time, or when I see danishes at work, how good they taste, but it's more of a thought than a feeling. Tuesday when I was feeling crumby, I made that sugar-free pudding and ate more than I normally would, but part of that was the crummy feeling, and part of it was lonliness, I think, because Mike was gone.

I'll have to rent "Supersize Me" when it comes out on DVD. Sounds like a really good one to see. And as far as the '90s go, I was in high school when "grunge" hit the music scene, so yeah, I wore the Dr. Martins (which I still have!), the holey jeans, thrift store clothes and even colored my hair with cherry Kool-Aid... Sheesh.

Ang: The wraps sound really good. Did you eat them today? I agree with mette, the weeding has GOT to help you work up a sweat, probably good for stretching, too. Do you guys spend a lot of time stretching when you exercise? That's one thing I really try to focus on after my workouts now, because I've become very stiff and inflexible. I'd like to start doing yoga again, too.

Well, I'm home for lunch and better get ready to head back. I'll write more tonight. Have a great afternoon!

Hi Jessica and mette - it's late and if I tried to respond to everything I would get overwhelmed. I'll try to respond tomorrow. I just wanted to let you know that I sort of talked with my bf. I asked him if he still loved me and he said he hadn't really thought about it. I was blown away. I was ready for yes and no but not that. I told him that things were very different in the winter. He apologized and said that he would try to be more affectionate. He missed the point all together. Basically I was shocked and ended up letting him off the hook tonight, although only an idiot wouldn't have realized there was something wrong with me afterwards. He asked me if I was alright and in my shocked state I said yes because it was obvious that he did not want to have a long discussion. Tomorrow I will tell him what I think about his response. I foresee a breakup in our near future. I'm not happy about it, but no one can say I didn't try.

Ang

Ang - I'm so sorry about you and the BF. Hope you're doing OK - no matter what happens next. At least he has to think through some things about your relationship too. And if he said he would try to be better - he must want to be with you.
But his answer - I can really understand you were blown away by that, Ang. Ouch.
And, please - try your best to take care of yourself in the middle of this!

Jessica - I do think you're right about sometimes doing "sacrifices" to make other people happy. Of course we should. I'm just trying to find the right balance, you know? And not beat my self up about it when I can't.

I still have my Doc Martens too!!! God, I loved those! I had them in multiple colors (I had one bright red pair! (..it seemed like a good idea at the time...) - and wore through several black pairs. They were so comfortable, and perfect on my feet (which are sort of short and wide). I'm holding on to them and eagerly await the time when they come back into fashion!
But the tapered jeans with the high waists? Not so much waiting for them to return!

I should really do more stretching after exercising. I do yoga sometimes, but not more than once a week, and that's not enough for me to become more flexible. I have to do it at least a couple of times a week for that. I'm going to do a Pilates class this fall - I think it starts in September - and hopefully that will get me more into stretching.

So as the weekend comes up. My week so far:
Exercising: no exercising Monday. Jogging Tuesday and Thursday. Weights Wednesday and - planned - Friday. Planned for the weekend: long hike Saturday and Yoga Sunday.
Eating. It hasn't been so bad. I ate more with my mother here - Monday and Wednesday both came up to 1800 calories. Thursday I had fresh salmon for dinner (with spinach stew), and since salmon is quite high in calories I came up to 1500 calories. Which means I have to be a bit lower Friday, Saturday and Sunday - if I'm going to average on 10.500 calories for the week. So something low calorie for dinner - I'm thinking codfish or tuna or green beans. We'll see.

Hope you both are doing fine. And Ang: take care of yourself!

I just wanted to let you know that as much as I try I am not doing well and don't know what to do to snap out of it. I hope to be somewhat better later and will write. I am sorry for not being there for both of you right now but I just can't sit in front of this computer anymore.

I hate being a 'deeply emotional' person. My best friend says that's what I am. It doesn't sound bad when she says it, but it sure can be bad to be it.

Have great Fridays both of you. Jessica, are you off every Friday?

Ang

Oh Ang. I hope it will be better for you later too. I am so sorry that you’re feeling terrible.
Please do whatever you need to make yourself feel better. Come here and write only if you can, but we’ll be here when you need us, OK?

Being emotional is awful when the emotions are negative and wonderful when the emotions are positive. I’m sorry they are awful right now.

Hi ladies,

Ang, I think you'd have to be void of emotion to not feel terrible after the comment the bf made. Although I know from experience that being someone who feels very deeply can definitely make life more difficult when it comes to emotional issues. Sometimes I wish I could be one of those "happy-go-lucky" types who doesn't get phased by anything, but I've always been very sensitive, especially when it comes to relationships. You know what I think, though? I think people like you (and I) are also luckier in some ways, because we DO love more deeply, we are sensitive to others needs, and that "emotional" side can also bring such wonderful things to a relationship. We just have to have the right person to receive it. Someone who can appreciate that about us, take care with our emotions, treat us in a way that we flourish in the relationship. I know I sound like a pop-psychologist, or an Oprah guest, but I really believe it. We'll be here whenever you're ready, don't worry about that. Please just take care of yourself above all else and do what you need to do.

Mette, sounds like your exercising is going really well. I will go to the gym at least once this weekend. Today was not a great food day, but I think I deserve a little relaxation. Mike took today off, so he got sandwiches for lunch. Pastrami on white bread, and corn chips with spinach dip. I only ate 1/2 the sandwich, but the white bread was a no-no, as well as the chips, although at least they were fat free. Dinner last night was a lasagna with cabbage instead of pasta. There's leftovers, so we'll probably have that for dinner.

I still love my Docs, too. I never did the high-waisted jeans, was more into the Levis from the thrift store. I was a raggedy girl, and in truth, my fashion sense hasn't really improved much since then! I am looking forward to being able to buy cute, smaller clothes. Right now, I'm still on the perimeter of the "big girl" department. Ugh.

Anyway, I don't have much new to report. Hope you girls are ok, and I'll talk with you soon!

Hi Ladies.

I'm back and in better spirits, although still confused. I can't thank you enough for all of your support. Instead of going to the farm tonight (yes, I was still going to go even after the bf comment) I went out to dinner with a coworker and we sat and *****ed about everything for 4 hours. It was good. I needed it. I think I am started to finally see things the way everyone else sees them. I still don't know what to do about bf (even though it is obvious to everyone else that I should dump him) but I am in a better place about it. I think I can continue to live my life as I deal with it. Maybe I'm getting a little stronger. btw - bf called tonight and acted like nothing had happened. He was not happy that I hadn't watered tonight. He is in his own reality - he really thinks I am going to spend everyday on the farm, is he nuts?

Anyway...

mette - It sounds like you did a good job with your mother. I'm sorry the ending was difficult but in general you seemed to handle the whole visit pretty well. Congratulations on your week. Especially given that your mother was visiting, you seemed to have a great week with your exercise and eating. You are inspiring!

I have to ask, what are Doc Martens?

Jessica - thanks for your words of wisdom. I think I have a strange combo with being very emotional but also very analytical. On the surface, being an engineer and stuff, I seem put together, organized and maybe a little cold. It is not too often that people get to see my emotional side. I try to protect it. After the bf situation I think you can understand why. I will take your word for it that there is someone out there who will be able to appreciate this side of me. If you find one send him my way.

It doesn't seem like your eating was that bad, Jessica. I guess when you compare it to your usual perfect eating it may not be optimal but still good. You have to be able to live your life and be flexible if this is a life change. Do you and Mike have any activities planned for this weekend? Maybe a walk in a park? Let us know what happens with the gym this weekend.

I was a tom boy growing up and never really out grew it. I love jeans, t-shirts and comfortable stuff. Wearing stuff that fits is so uncomfortable and not forgiving when you gain a couple of pounds. I hate getting dressed in the morning for work. You are right that when you are smaller you can wear cuter things. I don't know why they make some clothes in bigger sizes. There are certain things big people should just not wear in public. I would like to be able to wear clothes without having to cover up my stomach. I'm glad I haven't had an ocassion to wear a bathing suit so I haven't had to worry about my thighs - yuck. I still need to buy more clothes but can't stand the frustration of shopping so I am just doing without. I wear a lot of stuff over and over. Oh well. I doubt anyone really pays attention.

My food today could have been worse. I have definitely found that even my really bad eating days are not nearly as bad as they once were. I indulge but don't seem to be obsess with eating the whole world when I get upset. Again, maybe some growth there? btw - just to let you know, I used ot be bulimic so binging is a big problem for me.

slept through breakfast
lunch (11:30am): fiber one cereal w/ soy milk and blueberries, slice of turkey, slice lf swiss, apple w/ pb
dinner (6pm): Applebee's oriental chicken salad, triple chocolate dessert thing

Tomorrow is running, watering and weeding, mowing lawn and maybe I'll splurge on a movie or something in the evening. What are you two doing? I hope you have fun.

Ang

sw 188/ cw 186/ gw 153?

I just realized that we are all almost the same weight right now. I know we may not be the same height (I'm 5' 8 1/2") or body type though. Do you mind if I ask what size clothing you wear? I am in 12s for the most part although some are tight, except jeans and some other pants where I wear a 14. My weight is in my abdomen and hips so I need the extra room in pants. Jessica - I know you mentioned the perimeter of the big girl section but not sure what that really means.

I have never been thin so I don't know what is a realistic size to want to obtain. Of course I won't know until I get there, but as a goal I was thinking a size 10 for starters. Too big? I am trying to be realistic but also want something to aim for.

Ang

Hi Ang,

You sound like you're feeling so much better! I'm so glad. I guess I used to try and protect my emotions, especially when I'd been hurt so bad with my divorce. I don't do that so much any more, maybe I don't feel like I have to anymore. It's funny what you said about being an "analytical engineer". I've dated a couple of engineers in my life (one of whom just came back to work in my department and is now technically, one of my supervisors... that's a whole 'nother story) and our perspectives of the world couldn't be more different. I think I took a lot of comfort in being with someone who was able to be a little distant and matter of fact, there was strength in that for me, but in the long run it just never could have worked out. We would have driven each other nuts! In fact I remember telling the structural engineer (one was structural, one was chemical) that if he rulled the world, everyone would walk in straight lines and enjoy math; if I rulled the world, we'd all lay around in fields, barefoot, reading poetry...

Well, the size thing. I'm 5'4" and in pants wear a 16-18 (18 for jeans because I, too, have a lot of fat around the midsection and I refuse to have a big roll over the top of my pants when I sit down. Nothing is more unattractive to me). When I was at 148 lbs, 17% body fat, I was a size 8 to a size 10, depending, and I was pretty comfortable there. Just being into single didgets in clothes size was a big achievement for me. In fact in high school at 135-140 lbs, I was still unfit and around a size 12, in men's jeans like a 36" waist. At my fittest I wore men's 33" Levi Jeans, and they fit perfectly around my hips. I was a 34C in bra size, where now I'm like a 38D. So my tops are usually XL if they are button up, otherwise I get that gap in the buttons. So when I say I'm at the "perimeter" of the big girl section, I mean I can still find clothes at regular stores in the regular "misses" section, but fewer selections and I'm a few inches away from having to go to "plus sizes".

I can totally relate to being a tom-boy. My favorite day of the week is still Friday because it's casual day in our office and I can wear my overalls or my jeans and tennishoes, t-shirt and hooded zip up sweatshirt. That's pretty much my uniform if I'm not in work clothes.

This weekend I don't really have any plans. I slept this morning until about 8:15 a.m., which again, felt really good. That was after our kitten decided to scratch insessantly at the bedroom door at 6 this morning. Sheesh. Mike rented some movies and found some used that he bought "Master and Commander", "The Last Samurai" (one of my new favorites" and "Big Fish". We've seen those three but they were really good. We'll probably watch one of them tonight. I think I may try to buy some herbs for a fresh herb garden, I have the soil and the containers, so maybe I can do that today.

I'm thinking about having dinner with my parents tonight, and I also need to see my grandparents. So, it may turn into a family weekend. In fact, maybe you guys can give me some advice. Mike and I have been living together "officially" for about 2 months now, but he more or less lived here for many months before, he was just continuing to pay rent at his apartment. I can count on one hand the number of times he actually stayed at his apartment. Well, I haven't told my parents yet. I just DON'T want to hear what they have to say about it. Ugh. I dread the thought. They met Mike once, and my mom was very judgemental and didn't like him, well, didn't even get to know him, but formed some negative opinions. So now, I have this BIG thing in my life that makes me so happy, yet I don't feel I can share it with them. Do you guys have any advice about this? It's starting to get to me. Like I've said before, it seems they would just rather have me stay single the rest of my life, never get married again, never have kids, and more or less stay dependent on them (emotionally, financially, whatever...) Should I just not tell them? Make an official announcement? Casually mention it? I don't know the best way to address it, if at all.

Anyway, this has been a long enough post. Hope you all have a great weekend. Talk to you later!

Good to hear you’re in better spirit, Ang! Hope you’re enjoying your weekend – both of you.

And Doc Martens? Best boots ever! http://www.drmartens.com/ My favorites are the ones with 10 holes (not the shortest ones, and not the shoes – but not of the longest either) – and it was quite some work to get them on and off! But still! Best boots ever!!!

Jessica – how did your plans for the gym go?

The whole going shopping for new clothes – it’s not something I’m good at either. I prefer jeans, sneakers and sweatshirts – lots of black, grey, dark blue, dark brown.
While I was working I wore very straight and simple suits (Scully was my big role model! ), mostly black, with comfortable shoes and boots. Now I’m a student and no longer care what I’m wearing – I stick to jeans and comfortable clothes.

Ang – good to hear that you’re eating is going OK, and that you’re feeling a bit in control. About the bulimia – I used to do that too, in my teens and early twenties – how long since that have been a problem for you now? How did you get better?

As for my body type and clothes size – I wear most of my weight on my upper body (I have no waist, but have a big stomach, big breasts, “love-handles” and fat on my back) – my legs are relatively thin and I don’t have much in the hips- and *** areas. I’m also tall (5’11”).
I think I wear about 14 in jeans – but haven’t tried on new clothes since early May, and my size 16 jeans are too big now – I had to buy a belt to keep them from sliding off my hips. My breasts are really big – at my largest I used an E-cup, at my last maintaining weight I was down to DD. Hopefully, by November, I’ll be down to using a D-cup. As a result I usually wear a size larger in shirts and tops.
I think my breasts are the part of my body that I really, really dislike. I want to have a breast reduction done when I’m stable at the weight I want to maintain for the rest of my life.

A size 10 sounds like a reasonable size for me. It’s a size I’ve used when I’ve had “thinner periods”.

You know Jessica – I would definitely want to live in your world!
I have these two sides too: a strong scientific part and one very emotional part - and I have struggled to figure out how to find a balance between the emotional and the rational sides.

I haven’t watched “The Last Samurai” yet – did it involve anything more that swordfights? Was there a good story too?
I’m going to see “Kill Bill 2” tomorrow I think – it was the only movie we could agree on (I'm going with friends). I liked the first one actually (and I want to be Uma Thurman in my next life! She’s awesome!), but haven’t heard that many good things about the second one.

Jessica – about your parents and telling them about Mike. Have you considered their motivation for wanting you to stay single? Do you think they want to keep you from getting hurt again or something like that? I’ve found it easier to deal with my parents and their negative sides when I try to figure out why they’re being stupid/unreasonable/mean.
I would personally recommend to tell them – because it would be good for you (not having this *big thing* in your life you haven’t told them about – which probably is stressful for you?). Being honest is always the best solution in the long run – or so I’ve experienced with my parents. I’m the queen of avoidance so I have to work hard to be honest when it’s easier not to be.
How to tell them – I suppose that’s about personal taste? I would definitely go for the solution of mentioning it casually – just stating it between other stuff you’re telling. The whole “making an announcement” is too dramatic for me.

I hope it goes well Jessica, I don’t know what kind of reactions you’re hoping for from your parents. But even if you don’t get them – don’t you think it still would be easier for you if telling them about Mike was off your chest?

Your relationship with Mike sounds really good, loving and fun – so it’s a shame your parents can’t see that. But maybe they’ll just need some more time to get used to it?

This has obviously become the post that never ends – so I’m ending it here!
Wish you both great weekends.

If it's not too late - Jessica - I would also vote for telling your parents as it seems like it would make you happier. I also have problems telling my mother things so I casually mention stuff and eventually it becomes part of life without a big dramatic scene. I am not saying that it is the right way to do it, but it has worked I guess for me and my mother. I also have a mother who would prefer not to be confronted though (at least I think that is how she is). Good luck and let us know what happens. Bottom line for me is to do what makes you feel best. Think of it this way - even if they disapprove, would it be worse than what you are imagining and worrying about? I bet not because it never is for me. Their reaction/attitude ends up being the same but you have been able to tell them and make yourself feel better by not having the feeling of keeping something hidden from them. I hope this made sense. Sometimes it is not too easy to convey what I am thinking.

Goodnight Ladies. Ang

Hi girls,

Hope you are both having a great Sunday. Mike had to work overtime in Long Beach (on his day off, poor guy), so I'm solo today. I have a laundry list of things to get done, since I was a total veg yesterday. I did visit with my grandparents for about an hour. I hated to leave. I also spent time with my parents last night. I didn't tell them about my living situation. In fact, I just mentioned the fact that Mike is taking me away for a weekend in September to my mom and it pretty much stopped the conversation dead. Ugh.

Ang, you really did make sense with what you said. And I don't mean to turn it around on you, but do you think what you told me applies to your situation with your bf? Just food for thought.

I also just wanted to let you guys know, I took measurements today and lost an inch in my hips! That must be the result of the fat loss I noticed in my lower back area. Anyway, the scale hasn't gone down, but that was a nice surprise! Well, I'm off to get my errands done. Hope to talk to you both later!

Hi guys - how are you doing today?
The weekend is over - did you do anything fun? Jessica, any trips to the gym? Congratulations on loosing inches! I should do my measurements too; I haven't lost any weight this week either.
Ang, how did your weekend go?

I had a rather quiet weekend. Went hiking Saturday, and have the sore calves to prove it! But the trip out was wonderful - the weather was nice, cool, and sunny. Sunday I did yoga for 30 minutes, and I really should do that more often - the muscles in my shoulders, neck and upper back are painfully stiff. Other than that - went to the movies (watched "Kill Bill 2" and think I liked the first one better), had salads for dinners and pancake for breakfasts. Definitely a good weekend!

Have a great day - both of you!