Vermont Mom, Lisa, and Ibelieveinme2 - thank you SO much for the warm welcome and congratulations. I am feeling excited to have joined your group.

Lisa - did you end up going out and getting your ear pierced?

Lovelyleah - I am sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed etc. I can totally relate to feeling overwhelmed at home. I have been taking baths to calm down (I find it really tires me out) and also planning small activities or outings for myself...It has helped me cope a bit.

This week was a sort of mixed bag for me. I went to the gym during the hardest part of the week (Monday to Wednesday). I ended up skipping my other gym day. I just felt so awful and hopeless Thursday/Friday. Unfortunately I tend to push my husband away when I get in this sort of state. I ended up not speaking with him for a whole day and night. I know I am just punishing myself when I act that way...he is such a happy person and has a lot of resilience. I think I take things out on him because I am frustrated that I am not as resilient. He is so forgiving however. He truly is the love of my life.

I have an appointment in a couple of weeks to talk to my employment counsellor again. It's a weird catch 22. I absolutely cannot stay at my current place of employment, but at the same time I don't have the self esteem to put myself out there and find something else. I have put off doing the activities the employment counsellor asked me to complete a few months ago. However, I am now almost done and for sure I will be done in time for the appointment. I get so afraid that I will be stuck in this job forever. I am grateful for it on a lot of ways, but it is chipping away at me every day.

I am also hoping to get a prescription for Vyvanse this week. I have been doing well following my food plan for three weeks. However, I can see myself easily going back to binge eating. Basically, I will eat well for a few weeks and then binge very badly and skip the gym for a couple weeks at a time. I have been a secret eater since I was 10 and its the most comforting thing to me when things aren't going well. I am especially "at risk" when my husband is not home because I would never want him to know how sick I am.

Work has been especially horrible...I feel like I am treated like a robot who shouldn't have opinions or thoughts. I am hoping that the prescription might help curb my desire to binge until I find a new job. I am worried about gaining even more weight over the next few months. I think a prescription would take a huge weight off my shoulders.

Normally I use my "play" money to find my binge foods...I was thinking of stopping myself at the pass by taking my money and buying some new interview clothes. And maybe a new haircut. Just like spending every last dollar so I can't go and buy snacks.

I guess overall things aren't great but there are some good things. I am proud of myself for going to the gym three times last week and for upping my cardio. I also did a lot of housework this weekend. I also found stuff for myself to do at home while my husband had to work extra this weekend.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend.

Hi ladies,

cinnamonhearts, yes, I did get both my ears pieced. They are still sore but healing. I am so sorry you are struggling. Going to the gym 3 days a week is fantastic. Exercising is huge.

I am moving today. I'm sad though. I am going to miss Ruby and Felix. I am loading my car, it's going to be really full after I'm done. I'm not taking everything today, just what I need the next couple of days.

I dread getting the cats in their carriers. It's an awful job.

Sorry, I did not do personals. I need to get off here and get going.


I'm going to be offline for a few days. I don't have internet at my new house, yet. Can someone please keep the thread going. I just love this thread so much, I don't want to lose you guys.

Much love to all.

Replying from work (which I never do!) To say Best Wishes on moving day and we will keep the thread going in your absence

Congratulations on your move Lisa!

Also, that is awesome about your ear piercings. I would like to get three (just have one in each) additional but have been putting it off.

Thanks for your encouragement about the gym. I used to go 6-7 times a week and really enjoyed it. I have never really had friends so it was nice to be around people, even if we weren't talking and just working out.

I find it is a struggle to go sometimes because I don't want to be around other people. It's weird. But I know I have to remind myself that any amount of exercise per week should be celebrated, instead of getting down on myself for just doing three days.

Tomorrow my doctor's office is back open and I am going to call to make an appointment for a Vyvanse prescription. I am over my limit stressed and with my husband being in and out over the next week I can see myself bingeing hard to ease my stress. So I am excited and hopeful.

Lisa: Thinking of you on moving day! I hope all is going well. Please post when you can and let us know how you are doing. We will do our best to keep the thread going in your absence. You just worry about taking care of YOU! I am sorry you will miss Jennifer's pets. You are taking Elvira with you, though, right? And your cat, too (sorry, I forget its name; the one who survived the fire)? I hope so, so that you will have some furry company and lovin' in your new home! Glad to hear that you did something just for you and got your ears pierced!

LovelyLeah: You are not unloading on me at all!!! Please feel free to vent all you want here. Trust me, I have! It helps to get it out. You and your husband have been through SO MUCH in your first year of marriage. I've been hospitalized two separate times for mental health issues and I know how lousy that is. I am so sorry you have had four hospitalizations in one year... and then once for alcohol poisoning on top of that! You have sure been through the mill. That's good that you're in therapy twice a week. I had to do that for awhile several years ago. As you said, it slowly helps. You really have to be as patient as possible and trust the process. You said your meds don't help much. Have you considered asking your doctor to switch meds? Maybe you aren't on the right ones for you. I had to try SO many different meds before I found the right "cocktail" for me. It's just a trial and error process... as you probably know. Don't give up! It made me sad when you said you "can't hide the 'crazy' from him (your husband) anymore" although I must say there was a time I could really relate to that feeling (and still do at times). It is a very lonely place to be. Actually, our husbands sound similar in that mine can be very supportive much of the time, but then he gets frustrated and unsupportive at other times. When he is not supportive, it is SO incredibly stressful for me, as I'm sure it is for you, too. There IS hope, though, because we have been married for 23 years now!!! We have weathered SO many storms, it's not even funny! Do your best to be your own best advocate and your own best friend. I certainly wish you nothing but the very best! Keep on posting here! It will help!

Holly: So happy to hear that you have bounced back ~ as always ~ and you are feeling better. LOL about you rubbing your hands together like a Super Villain about the monstrosity next door! If only you could cast an evil spell on them and make the roof cave in! I hope you find a use for those darling mushrooms of yours. They sound delicious! Please be careful driving! You have me worried now that you said how difficult it is to see (especially driving in the dark) with the cataracts. Can't wait until you get those eyes fixed!

Cinnamonhearts: Good for you for getting to the gym during the hardest part of the week last week! Sorry you felt so awful and hopeless later in the week. I hope you are feeling better by the time you read this! What kind of employment do you have now and what do you want to change to? Just curious. You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I hope your employment counselor will be able to help you. What does the Vyvanse prescription do for you? Help curb the binge behavior by curbing your appetite? I feel bad that you feel you have to hide "how sick you are" from your husband. Do you have a therapist you can discuss all of this with? I hope so! I would hate for you to have to carry this all on your own. Please keep posting and vent all you want here. We are here to support you!

Well, the day after I last posted, the sh!t hit the fan again at my house. More family turmoil and it's still VERY tense around here. I absolutely HATE this atmosphere in our home!!!!! You would think I'd be used to it by now, but I will never get used to family tension. I hate it with a passion!!! I am SO sick and tired of this roller coaster ride we have been on for FAR TOO LONG now!!! I hope and pray things will eventually calm down and all will be fine like it usually is. But I just never know what is going to happen next. And I hate the feeling of uncertainty, too. Sorry to unload here, but I'm about ready to EXPLODE!!! I think I need to take my own advice and write my feelings down in a journal. I will probably do that as soon as I log off here since I have some free time right now. I also need to get some cardio in, and maybe the exercise will help my frame of mind as well. I had to cancel my last appointment with my therapist, but all was going well then and I told her I'd be fine until our March 8th appointment. (I recently backed my appointments off to every 3 weeks.) Hope I don't lose my sanity before then!

Ibelieveinme2 - Thank you for your kindness. You are incredibly sweet.

I am sorry if my response is a little long. I don't mean to make this thread all about me or anything.

To answer your question - I work as a manager (without authority) of a third party's work for our company. I have not been happy for a couple of years now. I feel an extreme lack of meaning in the forty hours I perform this work. Like my purpose is about making money. Because I do not have direct authority over the third party, it can be extremely frustrating. I hate begging, cajoling, and manipulating people. There are some pleasant things I like about my work and I really love the people in my department...But this job has whittled away at me over the years and right now I am just so done. I feel like a robot, a shell of my former self.

I would like to move to a role where I'm affecting people's lives in a positive way and in a way that's more tangible. I don't have a social work degree, so I was hoping to transition to that sector as a program manager or coordinator. I'm not sure what's available or even if I am qualified. I feel awful complaining about my job. When I first came to this company I had nothing and had been essentially couch surfing for a couple of months. And all of a sudden I had benefits and fulltime employment. I could afford to live. There are tons of people who make less (not that I am wealthy or anything of the sort) or who don't have jobs. But I'm just so unhappy and feel so frozen to change anything.

From what I understand, Vyvanse curbs your appetite so that you are less prone to binge. I'm calling my doctor this morning and making an appointment hopefully for this week. I am hoping she obliges and writes the prescription. I already do other things to curb my desire to binge like going to the gym, eating three healthy meals a day, hot baths when I want to binge or overeat, different CBT techniques, not keeping binge foods in the house etc.

I am still thinking if I should blow my "play" money this week to get rid of it so I won't have the opportunity to binge. I would never take family money and waste it on bingeing. I do want to get some more business/interview clothes and a haircut. I have been so depressed that even though we are not supposed to, I have been wearing casual clothes to work and not really caring. I would like to look professional and put together, like I used to. I feel if I keep this play money in my account its going to disappear into the tills of grocery stores and coffee shops.

I do not have a therapist, to answer your question. I only have short term therapy immediately accessible that is once a year. I did not think my therapy last year helped as I was just continuously reliving bad memories. I am going to chat with my doctor to see if there are any CBT therapists that I would be eligible to see.

My husband knows that I want to get a prescription for Vyvanse and is supportive. However, I think he assumes binge eating simply means that I am taking two portions of a meal rather than one. He doesn't realize the bingeing happens when he isn't there and is such an enormous amount of cakes, etc. Stuff I normally never touch.

I'm realizing as I type this that my bingeing used to be far worse before we got married. It is bad now, but it was horrible then...the intensity and frequency of my binges are hard to recollect. So I guess I am proud of myself for the work I have done in that regard.

I just want to move on with my life and leave bingeing and my job behind.

I wish you peace at home. I do not like tension either and I don't accept it. I'm not sure what your situation is. I grew up in a very abusive and chaotic household. As an adult I found it difficult to detach. Finally a few years ago I went no contact for quite some time. Some relationships aren't there anymore, but some have just gotten better and stronger.

I think journaling is s good idea. Another idea might be to record yourself...like make a video diary with your phone. I'm finding lately that saying things in this way helps me see myself in a different light in a way. Like I can have compassion for myself. I haven't been doing video diaries but visualizing myself talking in my head. Just a suggestion.

I might try the video diary technique myself this week.

H friends!! CinnamonHearts, please know that you can write anything here, and make it as long as you like. I myself like to read all about others! I'm so sorry you are feeling so defeated in your current job. You sound like you could bring so much to the right position, I hope so much you can find it. I understand the feeling of feeling frozen in place. You have the security of pay and benefits which is great but not good if you are feeling 'a shell of yourself'

what a great suggestion to do a vlog of yourself, yes we need compassion for ourselves, we can be so hard on ourselves!!

yes our Kathleen is so sweet isnt she

Lisa we are thinking of you getting settled in your new home and hope for your return soon

IBelieveInMe (Kathleen) thank you for your long and detailed posts!! Haha thank you for commiserating on my evil thoughts to the inconsiderate (and criminal !) neighbors. Our property always looks a mess in early Spring and I am not going to do any picking up til I am ready..and if it looks ugly to them, too bad

I am so sorry though to hear you are having horrible tension in your household again I hate that!! I hope SO much it gets resolved SOON. Do whatever you need for YOU to get though this tough time. Vent here and don't worry about not having time to address all of us as you so thoughtfully do. We are pulling for you!!! Oh and yes I am being super careful driving..I've been closing the store about 10 or 15 minutes early each night (without telling the bad boss ) so I have a few more precious minutes of light. thank GOODNESS daylight savings time is in about 2 weeks, and my first surgery is the end of this month.

and HI to everyone else!! Lisa, Coop, Monica, LovelyLeah, Helianthus, JesikaBeth, hope I haven't forgotten anyone!!

Maybe because it's March 1 but I FINALLY think maybe Im ready to start a better way of eating and stick to it. I am going to try South Beach again, if I can stick to it, it works. I did tell my husband, I didn't say I expected both of us on it, just said "i'm putting myself on South Beach" to let him know. I have been feeling so blah and I know it's due to huge amounts of sugar and white flour and not caring. It starts now!

*edit Jeez I almost lost this post because I forgot to open another window 'just in case' but I did save it in time , Yay!

Hello everyone. Sorry for being MIA. Since my mom passed away January 20th, I've been struggling. I managed to gain 14 pounds too, sigh

I'm doing better now, and am back on Weight Watchers too. I've lost just shy of 8 pounds in 2 weeks

Still having a hard time with grief, but my psychiatrist increased my medication a bit to help me better cope. I do feel a bit better, I suppose. At least I'm functioning now.

I wanted to come check in and say hello. I'll be back tomorrow morning. Have a good evening everyone

Hi ladies, I am posting from my phone. Things here are coming together nicely. My back hurts. I can actually see the floor in the kitchen. Jennifer might be coming to visit this weekend. I want the place to look nice.

I will do personals when I get internet. I hope its soon. Much love to all.

Kathleen – Yes it does wear me down every day. I don`t think I have felt as bad as I do now...I feel like I keep on finding new depths. I am glad that I enjoy the people I work with. They are nice people.
Thanks for letting me know that CBT has worked for you and for the suggestion to tell any new therapist that I do not want to rehash the bad things that have happened etc. I think I will do that! A relative of mine underwent about a year of CBT with a therapist and it has really changed her life. She still has some hard edges (I guess like most people) but she is one of the calmest and most hopeful people I know. It was through talking once with her that I realized that my therapy in which I was just talking about painful memories was not making my everyday life any easier.
I have been reading a book on self esteem that is CBT-based and it is pretty amazing. It is where I learned the trick of visualizing yourself in front of you and having compassion for yourself. A lot of days I just find myself too overwhelmed to employ many techniques, but practicing even a few times over the last month or so has really improved my everyday experience.

About husbands not always getting things...you are right. My husband, even when bad things have happened to him in life, has been a really happy and hopeful person. I compare myself a lot to him and beat myself up over it. Of course, we have had very different experiences. He had a Beaver Cleaver – type upbringing and I did not. So I think he has compassion for me and wants me to feel good about myself, but he simply cannot understand the depths of my negative thoughts and my feeling of hopelessness.

Thank you for explaining your experiences growing up and in your marriage. I am sorry that those things happened to you. I understand about, as an adult, having a better understanding of family dynamics and having lowered expectations. I think it is one way we can salvage and get meaning out of family relationships, in some cases.
I think it is amazing and awesome that you have been married for 23 years! It sounds like you and your husband have been through quite a lot. I don`t think your explanation was overly long; it is your life and what you have been going though. I like reading about other people’s lives and understanding them better. I am glad that you and your husband have a strong bond.

If anyone has a Smartphone and is interested in the video diary idea...you can use the same app as you would use to take a picture. Usually on the app there is a picture of a video recorder. You press that and usually a red light comes on the app showing that it is recording. There is also usually a button the screen with a couple of arrows or something indicating flipping the screen. If you click the button it will flip the camera towards you, so that you don`t have to use the outward facing camera.

VermontMom – thank you for being so warm and welcoming!!! Thank you for being supportive of my sometimes-long posts. I am really enjoying this thread; I like the idea of people supporting each other. About my job – my husband is encouraging me to apply for other things. It is hard because I do not have much confidence. My next appointment with my employment counsellor is in a week and a half. I hope she can help me. I just don`t feel confident that anyone would see anything good or special in me.

At my work, I have been having a hard time seeing lots of people change roles and get promoted. Aside from my dissatisfaction with my role and its lack of meaning, I have had a few unpleasant experiences. So I feel beaten down and that I am not any good. I feel that I have mostly given up; for example – I used to work out every morning before work and arrive at work with styled hair, nice professional clothes, and makeup. I used to think I could reach for something better for myself career-wise and that I was worth it. And now...as I mentioned, often I will wear casual clothes to work (hoodies, leggings, etc.) and I haven`t worn makeup to work in months. I guess I am saying that I have sort of given up. About the people getting promotions and moving into new departments...I don’t want to stay in this role, in this company so it is not like I want the roles they have been given. But I think it is just bothering me that it underscores how little I am valued.

Depressed or not, I am actually pretty cheerful at work (I fake it so perfectly...) and help anyone with anything. I am always trying to find new things to improve my work performance and our work processes. But I never get recognition; I am pretty invisible. So it just underscores how worthless I feel. My husband does not understand. He wants me to feel good about myself, but he tells me that work shouldn’t define who I am and that I shouldn’t care about what other people think. I just end up feeling worse because apparently I cannot be normal like other people.

VermontMom – My mom once followed South Beach and she really liked it. I have come across a lot of people who have really benefitted from it and who like it. About sugar etc....I myself do not cut it out entirely – I just eat it sparingly when I am on track with my eating – but I can see where it might make you feel “blah”. I have experienced that myself. Sort of makes me sleepy.

Jesika – We have not met yet, but congratulations on restarting Weight Watchers and being down 8 pounds!!! That is amazing! I am sorry about what you are going through with your grief...you are definitely in my thoughts.

Lisa – I am excited to hear all about your move, of course when you have the time and your Internet is back on. Moving can be stressful, but I have thought of them as fresh starts for a while now.

I am hoping to have a relaxing weekend. My husband accidentally woke me up this morning, so I was a little grumpy to start out with. I later apologized and he says he doesn’t recall me being grumpy, that it isn’t ever possible. He is so sweet. He even went out and got me coffee. I am getting my hair cut later tonight; I am excited for that. I think just the spa-type experience and being alone will be nice. I haven’t cut my hair in 1.5 years...just haven’t felt that into doing nice things for myself I guess. I am not sure what I will do with it; I think I just want a good amount cut off and some shaping. I am in the mood to make big changes in life, and this is the only change that I have the power to do at the moment. I keep on having this desire to get three piercings in my upper ear (something very unlike me). I think it would look nice and be something very “different” than the role people seem to box me into. But I am slightly germaphobic so can’t bring myself to actually get it done.

I think I am going to go out later on and do some journaling at a coffee shop too (maybe). I had planned to go shopping for new work clothes, but I am not feeling too stellar about my body (it has been a bad last few days eating wise) so I will probably skip that portion.

I want to be upbeat this weekend. At least not as miserable as I have been this week. My husband would never hold it against me, but I feel bad that pretty much for our entire relationship I have been spiralling into deeper depths of depression. I feel bad that I am so unhappy, when he has been such a gift in my life. I have never felt unconditional love from anyone on Earth until we met and got together. He is definitely a rock.

I am feeling listless right now and not sure what to do with the rest of the day/weekend. I am not feeling too well. I do have my appointment on Monday with my doctor. I am really hoping that she will give me the prescription for Vyvanse. I have a feeling that it will really work for me. If my appetite is a little suppressed, I am usually good at not eating/overeating. It has crossed my mind that she will try to give me a prescription for anti depressants. I used to take them over a decade ago and I really don’t want to. I don’t have anything against them, but in my experience they just made me feel sick to my stomach all the time, they took a while to build up, and the withdrawal effects were horrible. So I am hoping that she can point me in the direction of a good therapy option plus the Vyvanse prescription. I am just so ready to go on with my life.

A couple of years ago I was losing weight, exercising every day, feeling great, dressing nicely, had new friends...now everything is so much different. I am gaining weight, bingeing, skipping a lot of exercise sessions, dressing messily and I have no friends except my husband. I am just hoping and praying that things get better. That I can start to think things clearly and be stronger, so that I can change my situation.

Have a good Friday everybody!

Hi all,

I'm a little out of touch, I need to go back and catch up! I've taken on an extra project at work, which is taking most of my evenings. I think I'm getting my head around it, so will have some free time again soon.

Just wanted to give a quick update - my sister had test results back, and she doesn't have Cancer. Good news for now!

Oh that is fantastic news!!! we're so glad

Hi ladies, I hope you all are well or healing.

I can't post much. I am using the gb on my phone. I am not online yet and, I'm not sure when I'll be back.

Be back asap.