Thanks, Jolly, for the update on Chach, I wonder what is wrong with 3FC that she can't get on the thread? Should we maybe consider starting the June thread a bit early to see if this helps?
I have always thought of my dad as kind of a superman person and it's awfully hard to see him and deal with him when he needs ME to help him. He's gone so downhill. When time periods go by and I don't see him for awhile, mentally, I attach him to a time period when his hair was not so gray and he didn't shuffle when he walked and he was allert, energetic and a person I could call upon to "fix" anything in my life. Now, all of a sudden the superman person that I could always rely on is needing ME to be the superperson.... and this is not something that I am dealing with well at all.
I brought up assisted living with mom yesterday on the phone and got the usual "I don't want to talk about it" response with an abrupt hang up. How long can they go on like this? The turmoil in my brain just wants peace, serenity. I need courage and at least I'm thinking, today, that over-eating is not going to solve a single thing here.
Well, off to get some things done, life goes on.
Linda, wallowing in this

Hi everyone! I just used up all my free time catching up with old posts!
I'll try to log on more often. I've been pigging out lately and even the walking is slacking off so I need a kick in the butt!!! I gained back a pound too. And to make things even more difficult, I got my period for the first time since my son was born. That's a year and 9 months! I didn't miss it at all!!!! That's probably why I'm eating alot. I need to get a grasp of my self control......Like I said, I hope to post more often....

Derry, I am sorry to hear you are feeling so bad now. It is such a difficult time for you. The pain of loss, of what your father was, and the anticipation of a greater loss, is something that you will have to go through. There is no way around it, as you know. It's a natural part of life. I, too, may be dealing with it soon. I dealt with the slow death of my mother when I was a teen and in my early 20s and I didn't have the ability to step away from it and look at it in a more accepting way as a natural stage of life, no matter when it may happen. Maybe age gives this to us. I wanted to ask if you have ever read any of the books by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross. She has written a great much on death, dying, grieving. I highly recommend your reading something by her. If anything, it can help to be reading about this as it is something most people don't have the words or the philosophy for. Please look her up.

Linda, I know how difficult it is to switch roles where you become the caretaker of your caretakers. I watched my dad slowly die of heart disease. I watched my brother rapidly die of bone cancer. Neither of them wanted to admit they were dying, I didn't want to accept losing them. There came a time however, when I accepted that we all have a fixed time on this earth and whether we like it or not, we can't change things. Instead I turned my attention to cherishing the time I had left with them. It is hard to put aside the fear, anger and grief but rather than fight with your mother, do what you can to just be with your dad. Talk about anything and everything. Ask him all the questions about his life so you can pass on his legacy. Tell him how much he means to you - we don't do that nearly enough with the ones we love and care about. Perhaps your mom hangs up because to discuss the issue of in home care as difficult or as necessary as that might be would be to acknowledge that there's something wrong. We all have to dig deep and find a way to deal with it in our own way. I spent alot of time just talking to my dad - and I'm glad I did, sometimes it was bittersweet but mostly it just felt good connecting with him. And I second Red's suggestion on the works of Dr. Ross.

Hello's to the rest of the crew, I will be back to post tomorrow...

Good morning ladies (or evening in Red's case). Thanks for the advice and I'll try to find Dr. Ross's books in my travels. So, after saying I wasn't going to end up letting all that is going on ruin my diet, what did I do yesterday? I went to MacDonalds and lbew 18 points (out of 22 I get in a day) on a meal..... when will I get it that my emotions are NOT permission to eat? It's like I am two people, the first person is like that inner diva I used to talk about (where the heck did she go?) who wants to be good and then the other part of me just goes along a merry path of eating what she wants and screwing things up.
Well, I have no answers, but all I can do is scrape my sorry self off the floor and begin yet again to try. I'm not giving up.
Linda

Linda -

I can fully relate to the surreal feeling. Been through that with my mom, my dad is in a care home, and even when I lost my dog. When I lost my mom after years of her battling hepatitis, I felt like I was wrapped in cotton for a long time. I still can't remember most of that year. The pain of loss really never goes away. It just gets buffered by time. My father is in much the same shape. No cancer, alzheimers. It reduces me to tears on a regular basis when I think about how strong and independent he was, reduced to bedridden and mentally not even there anymore. A shell. It hurts a lot. And I have to admit much of it is hurt for me. While my father and I have had a tumultuous relationship at best, filled with many painful episodes, he is still my father. And in the last couple years before his accident, he became the father I always wanted. And then that was taken away from me. I live daily with the thought that I really wish he would just die - the few times he would come back to us he was so miserable, knowing what was happening to him. It is heartbreakingly difficult to deal with my emotions. I grieve, but I can't. I want to move on, but I can't. I want to let go, but I can't. There is no end in sight for him, or for us. I'm so sorry you have to bear this burden, but you are not alone.

What I can say is stop bashing yourself. God, please woman, stop it. Am I 'sorry'? Do you see my posts and think how pathetic I am? Or Jolly? Or Red or Happy or any of the rest of us!? Then why, for heaven's sake, would you even begin to think any of those thoughts about yourself? Is it OK to feel that way about you when you wouldn't even dare to think that way about someone you love?? *bop* Stop it!

We are human, we are doing the best we can, we are coping in a sick world.

I tell my daughter... you are your own last line of defense. If you do not love yourself, work for yourself, and take care of yourself, then who the **** will? Yeah. You sure can't depend on anyone else to do it, now can you? No, you're not alone all the time, but no matter what anyone says, there are times when you will be. Alone with yourself, your thoughts, your tapes, your demons.

We must fit into our own skin. We must hold ourselves tightly and care. Lest we have nothing left to give others, yes? Lest we have nothing left to give to ourselves in our moments of desperation, yes?

Now .. forget about what happened. Look forward to the next minute, 5 minutes, 10 minutes... whatever you can. That's all it takes.

Sorry .. off my soapbox now. Off to wipe the tears from my face, and charge into the day, right!?

I'm trying to figure out what I *want* to do today. I *want* to run again. But I'm afraid I'll overtax my legs again, like I did last week. Total trash, they were, yes indeed. SOOOoooooo I am thinking pilates (yes, nose wrinkle and all - not my favorite) and then maybe .. maybe ... am I ready for this ..... a light upper body weight lifting working? *big eyes* Hmmmm? I'm teasing myself with that one.

HEY!!!! The sponge is availabe in the US again!!! I just ordered some. Perhaps one less worry in my life till I can get my tubies tied? That would be SO cool.

Apple - I hated it when I started my periods again after my kids were born each time, too. I think that's one of the reasons I breast fed as long as I could.. *lol* I'm so self centered! Consider yourself kicked in the butt! Come back ASAP and report a basic success! Water? Food OP for one day? Worked out for a day? ANYTHING? You can do it.

Edited -

I tried to do pilates. I really did. But I do believe I bruised my bone (not the tailbone, more like the pelvis up high to the right of the tail) when I fell. Heck, maybe that was the crack I heard, it wasn't my helmet. ANYway, pilates was VERY out of the question. I mean, pain is one thing, but feeling like someone is stabbing a knife into my back is NOT going to happen if I can help it.

Didn't want to run because I'd trash my legs and I really want to go riding today. I know what happens when I do THAT. Poor Arashi.

So I lifted. I wasn't planning on adding that for another couple weeks, but.. I wanted to do something. So I did shoulders/arms. Very very light. I do want to be able to move over the next couple days, yes? Tomorrow I'll do chest/back. I'll do butt/thighs/calves on a weekday that I'm not riding. Or running. *blink*

Ok then .. back to your regularly scheduled programming...

Good morning all. It is so very hard to deal with the loss of a loved one. Whether it is through death, illness, or something else just making them not who they were before. what else can I say, Derry, except to take one day at a time, and DO make sure you tell them the things you want and need to while you can. Life is too short for regrets.

Congrats, RAven, on finding some exercise to do. Hopefully your back is feeling better soon.

I am off to finish cleaning, ride, and hit the gym. Have a good day all.

Heh guys. Early Sunday morning here. Resolve kind of flew out the window yesterday with the discovery of shortbread cookies at work. Still, I nibbled on baby carrots and radishes and had a big salad so eating wise all was not lost. In fact, it was quite good. However, the fact that I have not been moving much at all because I've been stuck to the computer with work means I haven't seen much for my eating efforts, or rather, efforts NOT to eat. Still, I'm sure sometime soon I should get it all together. I DID follow what I had said in an earlier post though. I have been changing the questions I ask myself. I don't ask if I want the food in front of me. I ask if I want to be lean. It's bullshit to be saying, yes, I want to lose weight, and then be eating and drinking like I didn't care. If there's one thing I don't like in others and myself it's a bunch of talk with little or no action. Well, I'm calling myself on this and I'm doing quite well. If my schedule would allow for my exercise I would. As it is, the little bits of time I have to fit something it, I can't. I'm too tired and not taken to beating on myself. It's too high a price. Still.. there are times I can and I want to grab them.

Raven, great post. I really liked what you said. Wish I had had a mother like you!

Jolly, keep pluggin' away. You sound like you're doing OK!

Linda, you're not a "sorry self." I mean, really, get some perspective here, OK? Yes, I know the feeling, of course. But you have to remember, that even when you're not "doing good" you're still way, way more ahead of the game than a heck of a lot of people. I mean, you're no where even near 200 lbs, let alone 300 or 400. Think of people who are still dealing with much bigger demons. You are not a beginner, still struggling with the basics, falling WAY off the wagon, maybe never even having seen the wagon yet. **** no, you're like ultra-advanced! So, come on, give yourself a break and take it easy. The other night I was out with a guy, whose gut seems to get bigger everytime I see him. Well, he wanted me to eat and I was saying, "no, I can't, I've got to get this weight off." And he just shook his head, and said, "oh, please, if you're going to talk about being fat, then what about me...?" Well, what about him? I thought, but still, yeah, so what, it's no big thing. This guy is a highly successful racehorse breeder, rolling in money and doing things, big things, flitting around between here and Ireland every few weeks. If the size of his gut is a reflection of his life...well, then... give me a gut! Anyhow, Derry, your present situation makes it hard to "lighten up" I know, but at least don't come down on yourself here. Laugh a bit, even just a little. Think of things bigger than yourself, no real pun intended but perhaps fitting........ok?

Red - Thanks... That's sweet of you.

Jolly - Thanks .. I hope my butt feels better soon too. It's annoying. I'm glad you had a good ride.

I have to gush. I had a wonderful ride this afternoon!! Teaching my son the basics of making Arashi move, give, turn, and back up. We're working on power steering now that I have power brakes. I worked on my sitting trot today, and of course, it's all bareback. And for about two strides today, I HAD it. I was relaxed, and felt PERFECT on that horse. That's the first time that's ever happened. I've trotted plenty in saddles... but bareback? It was like we were moving together instead of me just sitting on his back. I know it was only for a couple strides, but I figure hey... that's how it starts. Hopefully next time I'll get it again, maybe for longer. And eventually, that's how I'll ride. Relaxed, comfortable, as part of a team. It was exciting.

Then we got caught in a downpour. That was pretty fun, too.

Thanks for the wise words, guys. I'll try to put it all in perspective and think today! I shall try to be more positive. I am going to see my mom and dad tomorrow and will take them to lunch and enjoy them for now.
Trying hard,
Linda

All we can do is keep going, Linda. I hope today goes well for you.

Well, not that I have much money (ha! understatement) but I just spent $10 of it on a book I've been wanting forever called Centered Riding. Got it used. Now I can't wait for it to get here!

My daughter is getting me all hyped up about DDR... it would be SO cool if I could scrape together $50 for a couple mats (the cheap part) and the software (the expensive part). I think she and I would have a total blast with it. And talk about great exercise!!!

Well .. lookie there. The scale might be blipping on me, but can you blame me for being tickled pink? I just hope I'm not completely depressed tomorrow. As of this morning, I'm 6.5 pounds down in 3 weeks! I so rock.

Today is either Couch-to-5K Week 3 Day 2, chest/back, or lower body. I'm not sure yet. BF gets home tonight from being gone all week to visit his mom.

Water needs work today, was good yesterday.
Food - Uhm... I guess I should eat something.
Exercise - I'll let you know later.

Couch-to-5K Week 3 Day 2

Done

*rawr* *flex*

Hooray Raven!!! You are an inspiration! See what happens when things click?? Oh, I hope I can get back on an exercise schedule like yours. It sounds very reasonable and do-able and it obviously WORKS!!
Today I am feeling really yucky and bloated so I'm going to try really hard to keep my food intake LOW. I had a bagel for breakfast but I think I'll just eat fruits and veggies the rest of the day.
I've spoken to two women at my daughters school who are in the same boat as me, they both have babies about the age of mine too and need to unload the baby weight. We all are way way way out of shape. So these other two have joined a gym. Butterfly or something, same concept as Curves. I am not willing to unload the cash for a gym membership although the more I think about it, I don't think I can expect to get "back in shape" without any weight lifting. I also have the problem of my husband and all his traveling, I'd need some kind of child care. But it's definately more a $$ thing. So I'm going to see how these other two seem to do with their programs and I'll plug along with mine. If their results are better, I'll figure out a way to manage something like that. A secret challenge.....they've been doing it for 3 weeks or so too....
Derry- my mom has been in assisted living for a couple of months now. (she had a stoke a few years ago) She's in a great place, but she really just wants to go home....My impression is that assisted living is a great thing, it has really taken a load of my brother, who had been caring for her. She just needs to mentally adjust. Sure its hard to leave home, but the quality of life is really so much better for her now, she just has to embrace it. My husbands parents sould be thinking about this step too, but they are also reluctant to leave home. We'll keep trying. It's difficult to see my mom the way she is sometimes but I am enjoying being able to see her every few days instead of twice a year, and she can enjoy her grand children too.
Think positive and be happy!!!

Apple - I went and got a cheap starter set of free weights, a used bench with a leg extension and hit http://www.stumptuous.com/weights.html and http://www.exrx.net/Exercise.html to set up routines for myself. I just can't get into gyms. OTOH, if you're the kind of person who likes the gym thing, joining something like curves might be a really good thing for you! Whatever it is, you have to find some reason to stick with it. For me, running is a freedom. Sometimes it is hard to do, but the times that it just happens are fantastic. A drug, definitely. Weight lifting for me is a rush, pure and simple. I'm a power freak. I admit that... power gets me going. And my own personal power is a rush and a half. I *love* lifting. I like pilates because even at my weight, in a couple weeks, you start seeing definition in your abs. That's just too cool for words. There has to be a payoff, or you won't stick with it.

Apple, thanks for the info on the elder people in your life. I think my own parents would be VERY happy if they just take that step, but there certainly would be things that they would miss about having their own home. Their lives are rather unhappy right now, for sure, but they fear the unknown. The place I would love to see them in would allow them to come for two weeks to "try it" yet even then, they are unhappy.
I am heading up there tomorrow for a visit, shopping for them and to help out a bit. We're going out to lunch and I hope to be able to convince them to at least try. We'll see.
I spent all morning cooking for them so I can bring them food to just heat up, frozen. Nothing like my good home cooking on help the spirits along a bit.
Raven, is DDR dance revolution? I might have that here, bought it for my daughter and she hated it and said she "felt stupid" when trying it. I could have thrown the mat away thought I think we might still have the software but I will look for it and if I find it, I'll be sending it your way! It is one that goes in an X-Box, is that what you'd be looking for?
Sounds like you are on a roll with your exercise!
Linda