Jokes & Fun, Nifty Stuff!!

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  •   #46  
    Noodles913's AvatarNoodles913 , 05-20-2004 10:01 AM
    Wisconsin Goodies!!
    GOOD

    Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem -- a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."

    The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was a bit further down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.

    (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

    BETTER

    A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in La Crosse, WI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

    BEST

    A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As Wisconsin State Trooper Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.

    "He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls."

    There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
    Reply
  •   #47  
    Noodles913's AvatarNoodles913 , 05-20-2004 08:04 PM
    The Pope Drives A Limo!!


    The limo driver, after getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?

    "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at
    the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

    "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?," protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

    "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
    wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
    airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

    "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope
    keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna
    lose my license," moans the driver.

    The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the
    radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief
    gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a
    hundred and five.

    "So bust him," said the Chief.

    "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

    Then the Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

    "No, I mean really important," said the cop.

    The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

    Cop: "Bigger."

    Chief: "Governor?"

    Cop: "Bigger."

    "Well," said the Chief, "who else could it be, the Pope?"

    Cop: "I think it's God!"

    Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

    Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!!
    Reply
  •   #48  
    Noodles913's AvatarNoodles913 , 05-21-2004 10:53 AM
    Horse Jockey...
    A group of Kindergardeners and A few older students, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

    When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
    The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

    Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
    began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees"
    to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

    "No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."
    Reply
  •   #49  
    Noodles913's AvatarNoodles913 , 05-21-2004 11:09 AM
    100 Years Ago...
    The year is 1904...one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1904:

    The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.

    Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

    Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

    A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

    There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.

    The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

    Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily
    populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents,

    California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

    The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

    The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.

    The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

    A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist
    $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

    More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.

    Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education.

    Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

    Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

    Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

    Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

    Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.

    The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:

    1. Pneumonia and influenza
    2. Tuberculosis
    3. Diarrhea
    4. Heart disease
    5. Stroke

    The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

    The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30.

    Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

    There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

    Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all
    Americans had graduated high school.

    Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at
    corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the
    complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and
    bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

    Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic.

    There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.

    ... And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself,
    and sent it to all of you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what
    it may be like in another 100 years .. it staggers the mind.
    Reply
  •   #50  
    Noodles913's AvatarNoodles913 , 05-25-2004 03:20 PM
    The most destructive habit.............................Worry
    The greatest Joy.....................................Giving
    The greatest loss......................Loss of self-respect

    The most satisfying work.....................Helping others
    The ugliest personality trait...................Selfishness
    The most endangered species.................Dedicated leaders

    Our greatest natural resource......................Our youth
    The greatest "shot in the arm"..................Encouragement
    The greatest problem to overcome.........................Fear

    The most effective sleeping pill................Peace of mind
    The most crippling failure disease...................Excuses
    The most powerful force in life.........................Love

    The most dangerous pariah.........................A gossiper
    The world's most incredible computer................The brain
    The worst thing to be without.... .................... Hope

    The deadliest weapon.............................The tongue
    The two most power-filled words....................."I Can"
    The greatest asset.....................................Faith

    The most worthless emotion.........................Self-pity
    The most beautiful attire..............................SMILE!
    The most prized possession......................... Integrity

    The most powerful channel of communication.............Prayer
    The most contagious spirit........................Enthusiasm
    Reply
  •   #51  
    Noodles913's AvatarNoodles913 , 06-17-2004 04:42 PM
    Who Wants To Be A Millionaire??
    A blonde named Bambi is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.

    Regis: "Bambi, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend.
    If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you
    get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"

    Bambi: "Yes."

    Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is It: A)
    robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

    Bambi: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Anne." Anne (also a
    blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"

    Regis: "Hello Anne, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I
    have your friend Bambi here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Bambi..."

    Bambi: "Anne, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is
    it: A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

    Anne: "Good grief, Bambi, that's simple. It's a cuckoo."

    Bambi: "Are you sure?"

    Anne: "I'm sure."

    Regis: "Bambi, you heard Anne. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the
    million?"

    Bambi: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."

    Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

    Bambi: "Yes."

    Regis: "Are you confident?"

    Bambi: "Yes; I think Anne's pretty smart."

    Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"

    To celebrate, Bambi flies Anne to New York. That night they go out on the
    town. As they're sipping champagne, Bambi looks at Anne and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

    Anne answers, "That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."
    Reply
  •   #52  
    Noodles913's AvatarNoodles913 , 06-17-2004 04:42 PM
    Zippers & The Bus Stop
    In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

    Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't.

    So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

    About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

    The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
    Reply
  •   #53  
    Noodles913's AvatarNoodles913 , 06-17-2004 04:43 PM
    Arizona "Joes" Prison Camp
    TOO HOT FOR ARIZONA CONVICTS ???

    It's even hotter than usual in Phoenix, 116° sets a new record, the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts. On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before. Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks. "It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzo't, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 1/2 years. "It's inhumane."

    Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths. "
    Reply
  •   #54  
    Noodles913's AvatarNoodles913 , 06-17-2004 04:44 PM
    Oh My!!!!!
    A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step: "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?"

    "I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day", she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop a huge number of pills and
    do no exercise at all."

    "This is absolutely amazing at your age!!!!", says the passer-by. "How old
    are you?"

    "Twenty-Four"
    Reply
  •   #55  
    Noodles913's AvatarNoodles913 , 06-17-2004 04:45 PM
    God & The Devil...
    Seems at one point they had an argument and were going to court to settle the matter.

    God didn't have any lawyers on staff.. The devil had millions of them.
    Reply
  •   #56  
    Noodles913's AvatarNoodles913 , 06-17-2004 04:46 PM
    Cowboy & The Genie Story
    A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

    His horse has already died of thirst.

    He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees a object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

    He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks
    to be an old brief case.

    He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

    She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.

    There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

    "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three
    wishes."

    "I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS
    auditor genie."

    "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like
    you're a goner anyway!"

    The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

    "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

    ***POOF***

    The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

    "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

    "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

    ***POOF***

    The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
    coins and precious gems.

    "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

    After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

    ***POOF***

    He is turned into a tampon.

    The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
    Reply
  •   #57  
    Noodles913's AvatarNoodles913 , 06-17-2004 04:48 PM
    Worlds Thinnest Books....
    FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac
    HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda
    MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
    HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver
    MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino
    THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
    MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
    THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
    THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
    MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore
    AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
    AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
    DETROIT: a Travel Guide
    A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian
    EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
    EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
    ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen De Generes
    GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
    SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
    THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
    MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
    And the world's Number One Thinnest Book ........
    MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
    Reply
  •   #58  
    Anonymouse's AvatarAnonymouse , 06-17-2004 08:46 PM
    Hmph. I'll have you know that many Amish have telephones. They are out in the barn or a little shed dedicated for that purpose. They use them so that the clients for their handmade furniture or their fantastic (organic!!!) produce and meat can reach them. They put on their business cards or signs when somebody will be in the shed to answer the phone. Stoltzfus is just as popular a name in Lancaster as Smith or Jones.

    (Just a little factoid, which none of you probably wanted to hear, from your friendly non-Amish Pennsylvania Dutch-native mouse! I grew up friends with two ex-communicated Amish, and also my family bought all of our chickens for the Jewish holidays from an Amish family. The wife tried to teach me to quilt, but gave up as I was hopeless!)
    Reply
  •   #59  
    Noodles913's AvatarNoodles913 , 06-18-2004 11:47 AM
    The Walkers...
    A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children.

    A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, theyfind it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

    After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the
    blind man as he taps it on the side walk and says to him

    "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick, that ticking
    sound is driving me crazy! The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the **** up!"
    Reply
  •   #60  
    Noodles913's AvatarNoodles913 , 06-18-2004 12:46 PM
    Did You Hear About...
    The indian who drank 32 cups of tea? Next day they found him dead in his TeePee.

    The butcher that backed into his meat slicer? He got a little behind in his work.

    The poll of men that tried Camels? They determined that 99% of men that tried camels still preferred women.

    The Sunday School teacher that chased her boyfriend all over the church? She finally got him by the organ.

    The guy that was attacked by a cat and a string trimmer? He turned out to be pussy whipped.
    Reply
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