Hello all.

Annie, Let's, Rat, I am right there with all of you. Annie, you made me cry, somewhere along the line we tend to lose our self worth, or self esteem and so much more. And goodness knows the cruel people of the world, simply do not help. Crawling out of that deep dark hole is not easy, but we can and we must to save our own lives. Our lives is a book, every day God gives us yet another chance to fill those pages with whatever we CHOOSE, we must choose positiviness, kindness towards ourselves, love towards ourselves and others, and we must dig deep inside and find out strength and then face our fears and with God's help and guidance, overcome them. We all have something to offer to others, and you know we probably have more to offer than others because of all the struggles we have faced and we are still here, still standing, still trying, not giving up, and willing to help regardless. We are strong and wonderful men and women and we will not let anyone dictate how we live, only ourselves and God. We are changing our lives.

Realist, prayers continuing for your Dad, much love.

Aggie

Another long day for me. I really need to get back into therapy soon. I’ve been having more ‘low’ days than high lately, and it’s been too long since I’ve been. One more thing I’ve gotta do.

Oh! On June 27th, my Mom & I are going to Chicago (about 90 mins from my house), and trying out for The Biggest Loser! They are casting for families, and we’re going to do it together! So I’m getting the application all filled out, we’ve gotta take some full body shots of ourselves, so we’re prepared! I’m beyond excited! I know it’s a one in a million chance that we’ll get chosen, but you never know!

Well, I’m going to go get caught up on homework.

Annie – Oooh, I’ve heard that massage therapy is an excellent program to do! I hope the meeting goes fantastic!

Angie – Your family is in my thoughts *hugs*

Annie - Happy Birthday friend. You also touched me with your post. How close all of those emotions are to the surface that I thought were so buried by all the food. Today though I want to celebrate you and the wonderful, compassionate, caring friend you are to me. Hugs from me to you.

Battle - amazing that we feel that way but the outside is so different. To me you have always been a strong, confident, independent woman - one I've looked to for support and guidance - and always received. I can't tell you how much I missed you and how very glad I am you're back.

I stepped from my comfort zone tonight and met a girlfriend for dinner. It was wonderful though we both admitted we were going to cancel - simply because it was "different" for us to do. I had a great time with her and remembered what a great friend she is. Then to come and find Annie and Battle reaching in and touching me also. Once again it reminds me of the special challenges we each face having been or being 300+. I'm so glad to have each of you sharing your support.

Angie: I will continue to pray for your Dad. I'm so glad that he is out of the hospital though. Hugs.

Rat: Yep, our feelings are so tied with food if we are compulsive about it. I'm glad that you are talking about it too.

Aggie: Hugs.

Kayleyyyyyyy: I will be praying that they chose you. I love that show and to know someone on it would be extra special. Good luck sweetie.

Carol: Thanks and hugs back to you. You are such a wonderful woman and I have been blessed so many times here and through you, each of the people on this forum are special.

Blessings all,
Annie

Thanks, Annie! I know it's a one in a million chance, but it never hurts to try for it!

I'm off of class today, so of course, I've gotta catch up on some homework. And today I'm weighing myself & doing measurements for the first time in a LONG time. We'll see what the damage is.

kayley: Love your business stuff! That is right up my future daughter in laws alley! And when I get to the size I want to be..I am getting me one of those Lolita dresses! Awesome!

Angie:Prayers will keep comming for your dad.

As for me: today off to work! I could actually enjoy "ditching" today lol. BUT I won't. Lots to do at work. As always.

Wow. I have to say that the recent posts really hit home for me. I could have written any of them! I am welled up here at work even thinking about it. I often feel I am two people. The image I project and the person I really am. One confident and outgoing and the other constantly second guessing myself and feeling I am not worthy of happiness or success. Do we all struggle this way? Is this the result of years of ridicule as children/young adults about our weight? Do we set ourselves up to fail and become a self fulfilling prophecy?

This has really gotten me thinking and *feeling* this morning. I am approaching the weight where I hit that wall and eventually gave up. I am hoping to get past that and get healthy and wonder how much of this struggle is really my own self doubt?

I know I don't post much, but this board has helped me so much...you have *no* idea.

Peace..

Annie - *HUGS* I'm much much WOOO better haha. I kind of feel like it is one thing after another with me, but at least there is always a light at the end of the tunnel so I just keep on trucking through it all.

Torister - I think, for me, that the weight was a way for me to hide. I didn't get fat nor do I have poor self esteem because of being ridiculed for my weight issues. In fact, people out there actually accepted me just fine growing up. My problems stem from family life, which was not good and that is putting it mildly. Since I am learning how to come out of hiding, you know shedding this giant wall of blubber I built up, I see myself at times self sabotaging. It is a constant struggle for me and I know the reason why I do it. I mean to put it plainly, it is terrifying to finally come out of hiding and put myself out there. I think that is why I reacted with hurt feelings when people were mean to me recently in public. I thought I had passed that, but I was wrong, so I reacted with hurt feelings, self doubt, and disappointment. The sad things is, I blamed myself, which is a pattern with me. Blame me, forgive the world.

I want to live and I want to be free, but you know I will never fully be free of my past. I guess for me it is about learning how to let go, which is hard for me. Letting things go...that is a true life lesson that I haven't mastered. not even close. Yeah, so I am two different people, but you know you ladies get to see more of my "inner me" than most.

*******
I'm feeling muchoooooo better. Now I'm gathering my strength for a family visit..blah! lol...it just is stressful at these things...I usually am the one now that does most of the cooking. To be frank, if i didn't then I wouldn't have food to eat. So, there ya go. It should be fun though...I'm just going to be tired lol.

Gathering my strength and moving on from the flu. Luckily I don't get that sick that often, well aside from the stupid pills I was taking. With all things Flu and Cold, I don't have a history of being ill a lot, so hopefully I won't have a repeat hehe.

I hope everyone is well! *HUGS*

HI...its me!
Life is super busy here but I did see a new all time low on my scales today. I will take any lower numbers and be grateful for them.
We are making daily trips to the hospital(over an hour away) for a shot in hubbys tummy. Its a shot they cant give at our local hospital. doesnt make it alot of sense to me...but at this point whatever!!!
His blood is still no where near as thin as they want it and he is still at risk of a stroke. Im scared to death and scared of all the test and procedures ahead of us. I am thankful he is still with me!!!!!!!!
I am feeding him what he should eat and eating it myself as well. He has dropped over 10lbs in less than a week. We both need to lose about 40 more lbs...maybe a bit more than that even. I want to be healthy and live a long life with him.
We are planning one meal off a week. That was the drs suggestion to keep him from feeling deprived of the things he loves.
His glucose is now perfect.
thanks for all the support
love ya all

wow..I just went back and read annies post. I can so relate to those feelings. My parents left me and moved to canada and changed their names and never looked back. They raised a family there and I was raised by my grandmother and aunt.I always felt like i wasnt good enough because my parents wouldnt have left me at age 2 if i had been good enough. My grandmother would say things like" they didnt want you." She was angry at my parents and had no clue her words scarred my soul. She loved me with all her heart and did the best she knew how to do to raise me. My aunt is an amazing woman and gave me a home and that became my family. BUt no matter how much they love me my own parents didnt enough. I still felt a void in my heart.

I matter now because my children love me..my family needs me!! I am worthy and my real family missed out on me by leaving me behind.
I like the person I am becoming and I have all of you to thank for it!!! Lets get healthy for ourselves and those who we love!!!

Hieveryone and oh my goodness.
I so know how each of you feel, I t00 believe that sometimes I am two people. Some days are fan tab u lous and others, well you all seem to know. I am progressing and on some days slower than others. there is so much buried deep inside and I don't know if I want to just cover it up and let it stay buried or if uncovering it will help me in the long run. And believe you me, I am or was and still sometimes the QUEEN of hiding out. Like I said before, my life is a book and I am trying to write this last part of the new me I am becoming, but it is time for a break out, reconking if you will. I cannot re-write the begining but I am claiming a great ending, we must all concentrate on the positive in our lives, we spend way to much time concentrating on the bad, so let's start looking up as much as we can and the bad may just start to disappear. All of you are such inspirations, and I thank you.

Debi, you really got to me, but to see how strong you have become and kind and loving and oh sooooo worthy, you are LOVE. thank you for being here.

Ags

Oh boy, are food, feelings and family all entangled inside me!!

I've been trying to do some writing to get the highlights and contradictions in bullet points.

The thing that keeps popping in my head is a line from Shrek "Ogres are like onions, we have layers!". Unfortunately the layers are not simple and easy to peel off.

Hugs to all of my Peeps, inside and out!
Ratkity

Ain't that the truth!! Hugs back atcha RK!!

Hot Dang Rat,

That Was Right On Point!!!! Gotta Remember That!!!!

Hugs To You,
Ags

Annie-I don't have to tell you that God doesn't make crap. You are such a special person. Anyone who tells you differently is blind. Just remember that healthy people don't have the need to hurt us, only hurting people do. I do understand how hard it is to undo damage that has been inflicted on us over the years, but it is certainly worth the effort.

Typical first football game of the year. It was very hot in the kitchen. Things took longer because we were all rusty. Things got burned or dropped more than usual. When we got there, they were still in the process of replacing some warmer ovens. The steamer didn't work at first because maintenance forgot to turn the water on to it. The huge coffee maker started spewing hot water everywhere. Mostly, the place was packed, and the hoard ate stuff as quickly as we could cook it. $1000 worth of footlongs, and $3000 in both hamburgers and regular hotdogs. Over twenty sacks of french fries.

We get there early to get everything cleaned up and get stuff started cooking so that when people get there after work, they can go right to work wrapping stuff. We get to leave at half time that way. That's still 5 hours on my feet in a 100 degree kitchen, but we really love doing it. When we left, there were over 100 people in line to the ATM machines. I thought it was a beer line until we went around the corner. Just insanity. Next time it will be the Kenny Chesney concert.