There's nothing I can say or do to make anything better, but know that you're in my prayers. I too am a cutter, trying to recover, but I've been cutting since I was a child. If you need any support at all in that area, feel free to PM me.

oh tammy. i am sooooooooo freaking sorry for what is going on! i can't believe this is happening. i know all about hurting yourself physically to try to get rid of the emotional pain. i wish there was something i could say or do to make it all better but i know there isn't. please know i'll (we all will!!!!) be thinking about you and the kids.

Hi Tammy, just checking on you and hoping things are starting to get at least a little easier to handle. I imagine the initial shock has started to wear off, so how are you doing with returning to a new sense of normalcy? May not even seem possible at this point still, but it is. Remember, minute by minute, hour by hour, you will get through this, I promise. It looks as though there are others here who can relate to the cutting aspect more so than the rest. I do hope you'll reach out to them and accept their offers of support, I'm sure it will help. In the meantime, just be good to yourself and continue to provide that awesome support your kids so desperately need right now.

Take care,
Beverly

Tammy,

So sorry to hear of the pain and turmoil you are in. It WILL get better - I know it's hard to believe that right now. I think therapy /psychiatry is an excellent idea - you need to start healing yourself from the past hurts. My only worry is that when treatment starts you can start to feel worse ,not better as all the crap is coming to the surface - but your psychiatrist will help you through it and stick with it and you'll emerge a much happier person.

All the best

Love Amanda x

Tammy, I'm not part of this group, but when I read your post I was compelled to reply. My husband also dropped the "I don't love you anymore" bombshell on me, and it was the most incredibly awful shock of my life. Of course he also had a "friend", as they all do, which tipped me over the edge. My only advice is to see a therapist as much as you can; understand that you will find so very much kindness and support from those around you, which you should accept and ask for; don't beat yourself up about not "snapping out of it" - you won't, because someone has radically changed your life without your knowledge or consent. It might help to see a therapist as a couple: not to get back together, but to get a better understanding of what's going on. (In my case, I now realize it was a combo of his mid-life crisis, a predatory and much younger woman, his inability to communicate, and his cowardice which prevented him from talking to me before it all went too far.) It will be difficult for you to stay in the same house together, but it will give you a chance to get some of your frustration and questions out at him. He has no business calling his "friend" from anywhere near your family. He's a married man with children and responsibilities; if he can't honour his marriage vows, he can at least put a knot in it while he's still living in your home. Why doesn't he just rub your face in it, the louse. He needs to know just how selfish and unacceptable his behaviour is, and how he's toying with your sanity and survival right now. Grrrrr. Right now he's probably feeling like a hero for staying with you and the kids to help you out. He isn't, he's a self-centred pr**k who has the gall to destroy you and then make you feel grateful for a few crumbs of kindness when he's not too busy with his "friend". (Yes, I'm still a little angry...)

Tammy, if you want to rant to a stranger who has survived (barely) the same unfair and cruel treatment, just PM me. At this point it's better to feel anger than defeat!

Tammy, I am wondering if him staying in the house is really the best thing. Having him around can't be helping and if it were me I would want him out of the house and all his crap with him to make a clean break of it. I encourage you to start back with eating very slowly, start with a clear fluid diet ie gingerale, jello, broth, tea or coffee with no milk. Take your zofram 1 hour before you are planning on eating. When you are tolerating clear fluids then go to full fluids ie milk, soup, any kind of drink, ice cream, pudding, yogurt. When you are tolerating those then try regular food. At present trying to eat regular food isn't going to work, start with clear fluids and work your way up.

Tammy

I am relatively new here but am really touched by your situation and the support that is here for you here and in your community. I am certainly not new to working through a very painful past. It takes time and has its ups and downs. Ultimately, you will hardly recognize yourself when you get to the other side. It's awesome. Also, a very close friend was a cutter for many years. She hasn't felt the need to due that for many years now so there is hope on all fronts. Wishing you a good nights sleep and food that stays in your stomach. Denise

Tammy, I am so sorry to hear about the very painful time you are going through. Just know we are here for you, thinking about you and wanting the best for you. You will survive this - it is hard to see it with clarity when you are in the middle of it. However, I think there is something to be said for the old adage of whenever a door closes a window opens. There will be better things for you past this horizon although it doesn't take the pain away. No way around it, just through it but you are not ALONE...we are here for you. Keep on with your good supports (professional and friendships and us) and take care of you and that wee one. Keep well and I will hold you in my prayers.

Oh my gosh!! You all have been wonderful medicine for me. The Valium keeps me from crying all day now but when it starts to wear off it is really obvious. My doc gave me Zofram. It keeps the nausea away but does not help me keep my food down. And I had a most humiliating experience the other night. I ate food. I laid down. and woke up covered in diarrhea. I was so sick my husband had to clean me up. To make it even worse it happened two more times. I could not control my bowels at all. So, in eight days I have probably managed to consume less than 300 calories that would stay down.

I know the debate on living in the same house is a hard one. First of all I have been an at home mom. So, I don't have anywhere else to go or income to go anywhere. I have to have a place to stay so that I can save money to assure that my kids have a safe place to go after this. My kids come first in all this. He is being very good to the kids. And as much as I don't care to admit it he has been helping me when I am breaking down by showing some compassion. He lacks alot in the compassion department. Our household has been pretty quiet and peaceful and the kids know from the therapist that mommy is going through the grieving process and she showed them the five steps of the process. Seth was supposed to see the therapist this Friday but since his grandmother is going to die then he is going to have to reschedule. She is going to give him techniques and tools on how we can all live here and still have a moderately happy household. She believes that we can make our situation work. I believe we can to. IT's just so damn hard living with someone you love that does not love you back!! I honestly thing he wants a friendship. I'm just not ever sure that he loved me to begin with and just now started to realize it.

I'm so thankful that some of you opened up to me about your cutting. Sometimes I think I am the only one and I must be crazy. I've just decided I can't hide this anymore. It's a big part of my life and I want an honest life. Not a life shrouded in secrets. I will be going to psychotherapy. My childhood was far from being a good one, and I think that maybe I've not resolved that and until I do that I am not going to be able to move forward.

It really motivates me to move forward when I know some of you ladies have been through this also. I just think this first month or so is going to be the hardest and then things should settle down.

This morning my husband left with my baby to go to NC...His grandmother is dying. I've never been away from her. She is almost 2. I'm having a heck of a time with that. All you moms know how hard it is to be away from your kids for longer than a day. But I'm thinking this might not be such a bad thing. It gives me a little more time to focus and work on myself. We all know that 2 year olds consume alot of what you are thinking in the day since they are constantly on the go.

Wow..this was going to be a short update. I'm kind of long winded though.

I thank all of you for taking time to help and support me. It really does help and I don't feel as alone as I would have. I've never had the support of so many people and it overwhelms me and sometimes makes me cry.

Ok, I know I just posted and everything but I need to vent. My husband and I used to know each others passwords for email accounts and he has changed his. I think now I am sure that he was messing around, or is now, or at least wanted to. THere are so many cusswords I want to say about him right now. I am very angry and hurt.

Tammy, I don't think those of us who aren't sure living in the same home is a good idea were suggesting you move out. HE is the one to go, as you and the children get first whack at the family home, assuming you remain the custodial parent. (Another incentive to control the cutting: you don't want him to have ammunition to take your kids.) I'm not trying to be negative, but your relationship will likely get worse before it gets better, and you really need to protect yourself, your kids, and your rights.

I may be wrong about this, but maybe if you can't eat you shouldn't. (I rather enjoyed having no appetite - the only good part of the experience was losing 22 lbs in a month.) Try easy things like broth, and bland foods like rice, dry crackers, bananas. A little Ensure or other liquid meal replacement might give you the nourishment you need. As for the diarrhea, make sure you rebalance your electrolytes after with something like Pedialyte. At some point you will feel hungry again.

Good luck with this awful mess. And remember HE is the idiot here, not you. HE wants immediate gratification more than he wants to be an honorable person. And even if right now you doubt he ever loved you, take my word that he most likely did. In fact he probably still loves you now, but would prefer to believe otherwise to assuage his guilt. But he's more interested in the excitement of someone new who probably thinks he's a god with a shrew for a wife.

It has taken me two years to fully believe that our relationship was not all a fake. In fact I think I can pinpoint almost exactly when things started to change, and it had nothing to do with me at all. Once you can think clearly, you may realize the same thing. But PLEASE don't take on responsibilty for his failure as a husband and human being. You have a tough enough adjustment ahead. Take it as easy as you can, and try to be kind to yourself always.

Tammy, I just saw and read through this thread today. You're in our thoughts, and definitely in our prayers. I urge you to see not only a psychiatrist, but a medical doctor about this vomiting and diarrhea. You may well have something physical going on that needs to be addressed, not just a stress reaction. Please take care of yourself.

Hi, I've just been around for a few days. I just read this thread and was really touched by all the support offered. You are a really great group of human beings. Hang in there Tammy. I too was unexpectedly left by a cheating husband. We were going to go for counselling and he left 2 days before our first joint session. I lost 15 lbs that first month and understand the inability to keep food down. I couldn't even swallow. After I got centered and supported I realized that I was so much happier on the other side of that relationship. I finally looked after ME. Thankfully we had no children b/c he was noncommunicative and completely separated himself from me (guilt I suspect..). I lost 80lbs the year he left - in a healthy way b/c I was no longer seeking comfort in food. That was 9 years ago. I am now happily remarried with 3 kids. I gained back all the wt plus some b/c I still struggle with looking after ME (3 babies in 5 years helped some too).

I am glad you have such a supportive network around you and have chosen to seek professional support as well. It will make all the difference. From all these posts I can tell you are a caring and well thought of woman. Stay strong and look after you and your kids. It will all fall into place. Remember you have to put you first so that you are healthy and whole for the kids. (easier said than done I know). I look forward to getting to know you. I would offer you a PM too, but don't know how - just learning this stuff. It gets a whole lot better

Tammy girl. I just got back on board-- literally, and saw all this. I am so sorry and I would like to do anything I can to help you through this. This is so scary for you I am sure, but I know that you will be a stronger person after this is all done. You've been through so much but you are taking all the right steps in recovering. You have every right to be sad and in greiving. You also must know that you will get through this and you will be stronger, smoke free and an in-shape hottie. Please, call on me at anytime. I am serious. I am just glad to see you back here.

Love you girl!

Tammy, I thought of something last night after I went to bed. If you are having any kind of back pain along with the bladder and bowel problems, PLEASE get to your doctor. One of the first things they asked Howie when he first told the doctors of his increased back pain lately was if he was having bladder or bowel trouble. Nerve compression in your spine can directly affect those functions. I don't meant to be an alarmist, but Howie's recent medical issues with his back really have this stuff in the front of my mind and I care about ya. It's important you take care of yourself.

Thinking of you all...