I agree with the above poster, I have to say as kindly as I can, that I think it was a bit selfish for you to email them and basically ask to have their baby when they're in the middle of the most difficult decision of their lives. The best thing would have been to just offer your support and love (which is probably what they were hoping for when they disclosed the issue) without the extra burden attached.

I know this seems like an opportunity for you to solve your own child needs, but really, it's about them and their decision and respecting that. It's not about you.

I also don't see any feasible way where your plan works out, sorry. There are lots of kids who need good homes, seek out adoption when you and your husband have settled and are ready for it. Traveling around with a baby with down's doesn't sound any more reasonable than adoption does.

There have been some great posts on both sides of this issue. I have learned a lot. Truly there is no winning scenario.

I'm sorry that I have nothing helpful to give. I was moved by all the posts and this thread made me cry. Such difficult decisions in life...

I think the only thing that I hope we could all agree on, is that it never hurts to increase our capacity for empathy.

I thank everyone for their views and posts and since there has been a lot of activity today I thought I would give you an update.

At this time my SIL in still pregnant. She wonŽt be given the final results until the end of next week, making her 5 months along with this little boy.

Last week my Hubby (whos in afganistan) me (in Spain) them (in another country) had a skype chat and spoke about all the options together. They advised us that of course they are still uncertain of what they want to do. They are still thinking šterminationšis the best option of them, she also said maybe they will decide to keep him. But, they said letting us adopt him, is being seriously considered in the mix.

I sincerly hope they keep their baby. I know they already love him and are devistated by this. But, I am happy to know if taking on this disabled child is too much for them, that they are considering letting us raise him. She said the hardest part would be to carry the pregnancy to the end and hand him over, that it would be easier to terminate. I understand her feeling this, but I also think mothers are the more selfless people on the planet and do anything they can to do the right things for their children. I hope my SIL does the right thing by this boy.

I would keep it, if I was in that situation. I know that is easy to say when I am not but I think I would. I am considering adoption one day and I would in no way rule out a disabled child.

I think this is because my best friend and flatmate has a brother who has learning disabilities (not DS, other kind). But he is my friend too now, he is just really really cool. And the thing is, he has a part time job, that he was able to get, with the right support. he lives in his own place, with 2 others, supported by a staff team. He has learned to use buses by himself. He often comes out for nights out with me and his sister. He has such a great life, and has acheived so much. I think sometimes people do not want a disabled child because they think that child will have an awful life and never do anything, but in this day and age that is not the case.

While it cannot be denied that parenting a disabled child has even more challenges than usual, it is not without many many rewards; having a child who you love so much, and seeing them happy and successful.

I would suggest get in touch with local organisations and parents, so they can understand more about the realities of life for people with DS, and that it is not all tragic.

The good thing is, if they have a child, you as the grandmother will be SO supportive to them, and love the child so much. This is very clear xxxxxx

That's great news!

Years ago, I knew this woman who was told her baby had Down's syndrome when she was pregnant with him. When the baby was born, the baby did not have Down's syndrome or any other problem. She also had an amnio. My sister went through something similar when blood work showed her baby had Edward's syndrome and would die not long after birth. Further tests were inconclusive, but when she delivered him, he was perfect and is now a healthy 12 year old.

Still, with that being said, most results are accurate. I hope your SIL does the right thing also and will give the baby a chance for life.


BTW, can you even terminate a pregnancy this far along? 5 months?

lovemydoggiesx2,

I feel for you but you really need to research what it means to raise a child with Down's Syndrome. It can be all-consuming, very expensive, and a huge strain on a marriage. I know you really would love to have a baby, but perhaps this isn't the best way to start. For sure, adopting a child with Down's is a life changing thing and it will have an impact on you, your marriage, your family, and your future children.

Also, as you say, you and your husband are not yet settled. How then will you provide proper medical care for a baby who will likely need frequent medical attention? As you may know, Down's Syndrome is often accompanied by other serious medical conditions and a greater incidence of infections and illnesses. In addition this child may suffer, which is also something to think about.

I feel for you, but I feel feel for your SIL even more. You've expressed your feelings and made your offer but now it's time to be supportive, no matter what decision is made.

one suggestion~
If at all possible, communicate with family by phone or in person, not by email. With email there is too much chance for misunderstanding and miscommunication.

I typed this before I saw your update but I will keep my reply as it is.

I'm not the OP, but I wanted to point out some things she has said. She has a mentally disabled sister so she knows what she is getting into.

Also, they are communicating by Skype. You may not know what that is, but it's face-to-face communication through the computer where they actually see each other as they are talking to each other.

A mentally disabled sister is not the same as a child that will possibly need multiple surgeries throughout their life. The child may also not survive the first year. I know a 6 year old Down Syndrome child and yes his parents love him but they have also almost lost him multiple times and he has had many surgeries. Luckily, they have good health insurance as well as good family support (2 full time caretakers for the child, mother and grandmother) but it is heart wrenching for them.

I also have a friend who has a younger Down Syndrome child and similar difficulties but it also put a great strain on her marriage and her husband and her recently split. It isn't the child's fault and who knows if they would've split otherwise but it happened. Luckily, she was able to move in with her parents as well and they are helping take care of her child along with her.

It is just good to be prepared if you don't happen to be aware of a specific condition and think it may just be a disability when it is a serious medical condition caused by a chromosomal defect. Most fetuses don't survive with chromosomal defects, Down Syndrome is one of the rare cases where you see survival after childbirth.

I understand what all is involved and I'm sure the OP does too. Also, she is wanting to save a LIFE!!!! That is extremely important. You can't live your life on "what ifs". You do need to research everything in advance. However, when it comes to saving a life, I wouldn't hesitate. I would always choose the rough road over termination. Actually, the road may not be rough. They are very loving kids with bright smiles and will actually make YOU a better person. I would never look at that child as a burden.

My friend's son has Down's syndrome and they get assistance from the government along with having their own medical insurance and that helps them out. Even kids with learning disabilities can qualify for assistance.

Also, you can have a "normal" child that will later have medical issues that you weren't prepared for. That is life and life is about taking care of each other, especially the innocent children...

I am aware that she has a mentally disabled sister. Not comparable.
I am also aware of what Skype is. As my post read, I replied before her update.

I feel for everyone involved. There is no easy answer here.

I'd just say it isn't your choice (or the OPs choice) on what a mother chooses. I just think someone should be prepared to know what they are facing, whether it is someone adopting or finds out they are pregnant with a Down syndrome child. I think a little compassion goes a long way because it is a tough decision to make for a pregnant mother.

Most people with Down syndrome die of heart complications before age 50. It's a lifetime of uphill health struggles and it is very possible parents will outlive their child. That's hard, too.

I'm not sure what happened with my last post, but I'm signing out of this thread. I will always be Pro-Life, no matter what. I will never play God and decide who should and shouldn't live.

I wish the OP good luck and will pray for her and her family.