Just a quick one - who wants to have wild, hot do-it-in every-room of-the-house sex with someone who campares my body to the Hooters waitress body I "used to" have?????...........

I'll bet anything that he's NEVER vocalized that. He cant even mention this issue AT ALL to her.

Marriage is a partnership, and she's not looking out for the team. They've got a very bad dynamic going there, it nothing changes, it will only get worse. There's no debating that.

His concerns are valid.

Women often stick by unhealthy men much longer than is reasonable, and to their own detriment. Just because they do it doesn't make it right.

What if she were doing drugs or booze? Would it be horrible if he wished for her non-boozed up attitude to return? He didnt sign up for a depressed, sexless marriage.

She didnt gain the weight overnight, and he's stood by for a long time... If you were him, what would you do? From his POV, not his W's?

But I am in his shoes...more than you know. And I married my husband for way more than his body.

I think we're going to just disagree on this one. I think perhaps this may be an issue in a marriage, but in my opinion, it's a shallow one.

First of all, I’d like to applaud your bravery. I know you’re new around these parts, but you had to know you were inching into dangerous territory with your post…

Second of all, I don’t think for a second that you should feel ashamed, guilty or bad about these feelings. They are exactly that: feelings. And how much can any of us control our feelings about anything? We can tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel a certain way…we can keep our mouths shut and “mind our own business”…we can pretend to feel the opposite…but, at the end of the day, we feel the way we feel. And in your marriage, your feelings matter just as much as your wife’s.

Honestly…I kind of feel bad for guys who fall victim to the bait and switch, as I call it. Yes, marriage is supposed to be “for better and for worse”…but does that really mean that we are all entitled to take advantage of the “worse” part and expect our partners to just keep trucking along happily? Of course a man who marries a healthy, slender, confident woman is going to take notice when she starts gaining weight, hiding under covers and mu-mu’s and stuffing her face. And the same would apply vice versa! It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love her or that he’s a jerk…it would pretty much be impossible not to notice such a transformation and be concerned. Men have been trained to keep their mouths shut about the weight issue, but is that fair?

I can tell that you love your wife. I can tell that you want the best for her. I got the feeling that more than anything, you’re a little bewildered. Keep in mind that her weight gain has probably come from an emotional place…there IS a reason that it has happened. I do agree with the other ladies that any outward display of disapproval might make things worse, but I don’t see anything wrong with voicing your concern. You are genuinely worried about her, tell her that. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help (even just in a non weight loss specific way…be general) or if she feels like she’s missing anything or needs anything. Make yourself available to her and offer all the support, advice and comfort you can. She will have to get to a good place emotionally before she will be able to lose this weight and you can help a lot with that.

Ok...I gotta say it...

He says he thinks she's around 170 pounds!! No cow is she! I think mu-mu's have to be an exaggeration and so I have little confidence in the statement that she is "stuffing her face".

I weigh just under 170 pounds at the same height! I'm pretty darn happy with myself and considering maintenance if I lose nothing else. Is a size 10/12 something for a man to leave his wife over or even to quibble about?

Ummmmm! My GOAL IN LIFE is to weigh 170. I'd be ecstatic if I were that thin. And my SO, even with his foot-in-mouth disease, better damn well salivate at the sight of me.

He's guessing at her weight.

I tell you, it's her ATTITUDE and chosen LIFESTYLE - that has him SO worried. He's looking at the next 30 years of a sexless marriage. That would freak out most any man.

She's hiding, not having sex and grumpy because of HER shame about her weight. I don't think he's making it up.

She could be thin as a rail, but if she's ashamed and hiding then she's affecting her marriage. The number is irrelevant.

I'm sorry I think you're missing the point here! Plus, you and she are different people. You may be happy and healthy at that weight and height, but it's obvious that she, and he by default, are not. Just because something is right for you doesn't mean it's right for everyone. I think this is a lot less about size and weight and more about the way her increased size and weight have affected their life. I agree that 170 and a size 10/12 is not that big-man, I would KILL to be EITHER!!-but again, we are different people and we come from different weight-backgrounds. But in my eyes, the biggest problem here is not the weight or size itself, it's what they are both doing to her mental state that's causing issue.

But maybe that's another question for Rich to clarify: Rich, if your wife had gained weight to the size/weight she is now but she was still happy and still had a zest for life that she had before, would you still be really wanting her to lose the weight? If the only thing that had changed was those numbers, would it bother you as much as it does now?

Yes, THIS! My thoughts exactly.

Then he should be asking for advice for his wife based on her depression and mood affecting their sex life and marriage. Not asking how he can make his wife realize that she needs to lose weight.

That's why I sent him to Marriage Builders. This isn't just about weight.

Now THIS I agree with.

Yes, I agree, I think we're all in agreement about this, despite our different views on he situation. The weight is most often a symptom of deeper issues. And I agree, he should be asking about how to improve the situation and not just get her to lose weight, I think he is just assuming that the weight is the cause of the problem, when it is probably just another symptom.

Hit up Marriage Builders and I wish you both the absolute best!

I think by now we would all at least have a basic understanding that everyone perceives weight differently. What is fat to me might be skinny to someone else or vice versa. He is the one who is married to her, he is the one who sees her struggling and feels her discomfort.

He doesn’t even know the number…and it doesn’t even matter. Her behavior indicates that she is unhappy with her weight. She’s hiding in pictures, she is hiding during sex, etc. His post did not read, “My wife is fat. She is hideous and ugly and I am not attracted to her and I tell her this every day and I can’t stand touching her and I wish she looked hot in a bikini again.” He noticed that she couldn’t find a picture she liked for facebook…he noticed that she doesn’t want her to see her body…he noticed that she has less confidence and energy. Sounds like he’s paying attention to the right things.

Rich, I hope you are still reading and getting some of the help you need.

I have to agree with the people who state your wife is being selfish. However, whatever the underlying issue that caused her weight gain should be addressed, sooner. Hopefully, once that part becomes more healthy, the rest wil fall into place.

Good luck!