That is easy for the "cheater" to say I 'spose...I would also say true repentence in this case would be to tell the one cheated on.

Isn't true repentance between you and your Maker? I'm not confident enought to judge is someone is truly repentant through their confession to me (or to a priest for that matter, not to get all religious and all). The only one who KNOWS if he/she is truly repentant is the transgressor.

True forgiveness can only be forgiven by God...we may say we forgive...but those wounds still come back and hurt from time to time...doesn't keep us from trying though.

I think in this case, if the cheater is truly repentant that they would want to tell their spouse...get it all out...totally...if in fact she knows she would never do it again...no doubt it would be tough...but i think anything less is not total repentance...

I think it situations like this it's the chicken way out to not tell your spouse!

Especially since this was not a one night stand....the person had plenty of time to "think" it through it appears from the o.p.

I'm not judging either....just stating what I think!

Here is what my church says about repentance ~


The Psalmist David, mindful of his sins, declared: "I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the Lord, and you forgave the iniquity of my sin'" (Psalm 32:5). After David had committed adultery with Bathsheba, and after Nathan had come to him, David confessed his sin before God and said, "a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise" (Psalm 51:17). In fact, David began this Psalm in the confidence that God is merciful and has forgiven his sin: "Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions" (Psalm 51:1)

That God is merciful and forgiving to all who call on Him is shown most especially in the coming of His Son Jesus Christ, in whom "God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them..." (2 Corinthians 5:19). God has already forgiven you, apart from anything that you have done. He establishes no conditions on His mercy toward you-including you having to confess your sins to others as a condition required before He will forgive you. When we know how much God loves us and think about the enormity of His forgiving grace, we can ask Him for strength and courage to go to those whom we have sinned against and ask also for their forgiveness.

Hmm, not sure if you can say it is a chicken way out on one hand and that you aren't judging on the other...
Wonder what Darwin would say--probably that the one who doesn't tell stands a better chance of seeing the morning light, and would survive longer to continue to reproduce?

I also feel like the only way that they can truly atone or repent for their mistakes in their marriage - is to be completely honest with their partner. They made a bad decision and their partner has a right to make his/her decision next. I'd much rather find out now, then through a friend, co-worker, neighbor- or at my doctors office with an std!
If my spouse cheated on me and I found out years down the line, I would feel like every "i love you" ever time we had sex, everything we did from that point on was a lie, insincere, false. i would be devastated. If I found out immediately that they made a mistake, were in counseling for it and felt terrible for what they did- I'd still be hurt and upset, but at least I wouldn't feel like my entire marriage was built on a lie.

wow.....all i can say.

so from hearing from the people who experienced being the "cheated upon"; hearing it NOW or LATER- it hurts the same.

only thing i wish to comment on is to say the CHEATER doesnt have a choice?

not true.

we all have choices.

we have to be prepared to face/accept/deal with the consequences.

and the cheater has her own moral code and her own religious beliefs. which may or may not be the same as yours.

and since she has confessed to her "higher power" (what that is not being our business)- i believe that it is up to HER CREATOR to forgive her.

me? i just love her. and accept her as the imperfect person she is.

disappointed? yep. shocked? yep. sad for her and him? yep
but to tell her she HAS to do anything?

NOT MY BUSINESS.

thanks for your input.

what i wish and hope and pray for is that she finds out why it happened and that she (yes- the guilty party) can find peace.

and the advice to set a boundary that she discuss this with her counselor instead of me?

wise advice.

The people who saw "no choice,but to tell" do know that she obviously does have the choice to not tell - they were saying that they saw no other MORAL choice than to tell (they also understand that their morality may not be the same as yours or your friend's).

Of course her (and your) morality may be different - but when you ask a question on a subject that tends to be tied to ethics and morality - you can't expect an ethically/morally neutral response (well, obviously you can expect anything you wish to - it is after all your choice - but it's not likely that you will receive many neutral responses - because it isn't a neutral question).

being betrayed is painful. finding out you were betrayed twice and didn't know the first time is unacceptable.

kaplods?

i agree.
it is a hot button issue obviously.

the question was would it be more painful for the spouse to be told NOW or LATER.

not if she should tell (her beliefs dictate that) or if what she did was wrong (again her beliefs dictate but she says she was ) or even when SHE should.

and everyone who answers come from their own position. but while ANYONES religous or moral viewpoint affects THEIR answer?
it doesnt mean that it is correct or that the cheater HAS to follow it or SHE is wrong.

i read the bible and i am a christian and i may have the same religious beliefs as anyone who answered. but what if she doesnt?

what if she doesnt read the bible? what if it is the koran? or the talmud?

or what if she is a pagan?

or what if she is catholic?

does it matter? ABSOLUTELY!
but the choice and consequences are HERS.

i cant judge her. because it says in MY bible not to.




more wars are caused by trying to make OUR religious beliefs YOURS than anything else.

i respect you immensely , kaplods.
just so you know.

ez?
the operative word here (IN MY OPINION) is when.



and that was the question.
when it would hurt the spouse more to be told by the cheater.

and what if the cheater hasnt got to "when"?

it is all perspective.

if she doesnt know that God has forgiven her?

then she isnt at WHEN yet.

My goodness...

the question was asked what we thought...

we told you what we thought...

all of us....

I didn't see any post demanding or judging....

some people expressed what they "thought" because of past experiences I assume...some from their religious beliefs and some from their minds/hearts...

We all have reasons WHY we think the way we think....

I did see some "knocks" at my posts because I believe what I believe because of my religion (and also a lot of support...Thank-You!)...

but I am used to that....

and as KAPLODS says....these type of threads will always go on and become mini-threads inside of the original post...

always....

I'm a little confused too. It seems to me that you're saying that we HAVE to answer a simplistic question and that is it, yet you offered your thoughts and even played devils advocate at one point which was more in depth than just an answer.

The point is, clearly, that you can't really just answer "yes or no" or "now or later" because there is either no way to answer that as Kaplods expressed or you have a why either based on a personal experience such as myself or just a person's viewpoint. You can't expect that NOT to be in a thread that asked for opinions and thoughts as well as presented the idea as a debate topic.

I did not see anyone judging you or your friend either (or anyone actually as some people have said to not tell at all lol), but maybe that is just me? I'm also not a Christian, nor am I religious, but I do know what I view as "right and wrong" and I do also view that I gave up my choice to decide the fate of my boyfriend when I did something I viewed as wrong to him. Now my own mistake probably doesn't match your friend's, that is most likely true, but the point is there is NO CORRECT answer. All you have are thoughts from people from all walks of life. That is exactly what I have taken from this thread, in fact there are people who responded with "don't tell at all" and that is entirely okay. There aren't any judgments in my eyes, just opinions and experiences being expressed.

I guess I sort of view it as a "hit and run." If you hit someone with your car, lets say not seriously but obviously you wouldn't know at the time, do you put that person you hit as the top priority or do you put yourself? How many people, even good hearted peopled, drive away and leave the person there? When does it stop being about you and start being about someone else? So, that is what I mean by "giving up a choice" and I believe that is what some of the other people meant as well. Of course you have choices, but at some point the "I I I I I I I" has to be about someone else. An example "I'm going to counseling first before I talk to my partner about my cheating. I FEEL remorse, I FEEL BAD, I could lose my marriage, etc.." That is how I view it...so that is where my thoughts come from.

Is your friend a bad person? No, probably not. Did she make a mistake? Yeah, clearly by your description she views her actions as a mistake and has remorse. However, to answer now or later to me doesn't make sense as the pain is going to be there no matter what a person does. So in my eyes the question turns into confessing and accepting those consequences or not telling and accepting those consequences. Either way there can be consequences and either way those can be very negative. Not to say that they will be, but it is in the cards. That is how I view the topic and the question...

EZ, I don't cheat and think the advice is absolutely spot on. I think we focus too much here on "pigeon-holing" what is right for every person, for every situation. Problems and issues are what you ALLOW them to be. I think many allow society to dictate "how" they should feel, "how" they should act/react instead of thinking through things solo. Of course, it's easy to apply one size fits all bandaids as you move through life. Unfortunately, it isn't terribly effective.

when you put up a post - it can go anywhere... usually not at all where you intended it to go.

so for your simple question- is it more painful to find out NOW or LATER I say it is leaps and bounds more painful to find out LATER.

Cheating being right or wrong doesn't come down to religion. It comes down to the fact that someone betrayed another person and they may have even promised that person at some point (wedding, ceremony or just verbal agreement) that they would not cheat.

Now if someone said "I may or may not cheat on you through our marriage, you'll just have to deal with it" then that is something entirely different than someone entering into a monogamous relationship. When I entered into my relationship with my husband while we were dating, we were both saying to eachother that we were monogamous to eachother.

There are other arrangements in marriages where people have open marriages and that is usually different and usually not behind someone's back.

And yes I will say that people will discuss and give the background behind their reasoning and that is reasonable to expect.