I can't even imagine the personality/boundaries of a person who would discuss their cheating with a group of friends over lunch. If it was about someone else (not at lunch) - then as mandalinn said, the cat is not out of the bag, it is out of the state, regardless of whether you all know who the cheater is or not. I mean, either the cheater knows their friend is making a roundtable discussion out of the situation (like I said, I would find this a very weird set of boundaries), or they don't know - that would just be awful.

So here's my two cents. Usually a cheater tells only to ease their conscience and guilt, not to help the person in any way that they cheated on. If so many people know already, I agree they should tell because to hear it from someone else will only cause even more pain. The cheater is definitely doing the right thing in getting counseling to find out why they cheated. It will hurt no matter if they tell the spouse now or later. But for them to find out from someone else adds a huge blow of humiliation because so many others knew. If I were cheated on, I would want to know. The relationship might be over, it might not.

I was married for over 18 years, to someone who started cheating and found out through our co-workers. We worked at the same place, so it was very hard to go to work and see people because I wondered if they knew too and how long they had known.

to clarify AGAIN; which i wasnt clear on....the discussion was between ME and the cheater.

only us.

so far as i know? people who know?

cheater and cheater partner, me and her counselor.

i didnt know what to tell her.

i gave my suggestion as i have outlined before.
it isnt common knowledge and it isnt discussed at random.
sorry if "I" wasnt clear.
sometime it IS best to ask if certain things are a fact before assuming.
just saying.

i am headed to work now. but i did want to reinterate that the questions was NOW or LATER.

being angry at the cheater wont change what happened. and nothing you or i can say will make her feel worse than she does.
1) because ultimately people dont care what WE think.
2) her moral code is her own.
3) she IS suffering and KNOWS she did wrong.
and if she didnt want to do the RIGHT thing NOW after doing a TERRIBLY WRONG thing?

we wouldnt be having this discussion,would we?
she wouldnt have told or she wouldnt think to ask for help.

as always.....opinion welcome.
leave the judgement at the door.

unless you perfect.

LOL.

Well, it IS being "roundtabled" here--on this forum.

Personally, I wouldn't want to be dragged into anyone else's drama. Maybe you should suggest a counselor?

You posted a "hot topic" for many women on a public board. It is what it is--a discussion forum.

I think it's absolutely impossible to give any useful opinion at all given that we do not know anything about the people involved. Any advice she gets should come from her counselor, and as her friend, it will probably best for you to stay out of it all together. If you give her any advice and it backfires, it's going to be difficult for her not to blame you. It's what people tend to do.

Sometimes just the fact that you KNOW is enough for a cheater to abandon a friendship - because of the guilt it stirs up to have that secret between you.

__

Ironically, this is something my husband and I actually discussed before we got married. It was one of the many "what if" questions that I felt was important to discuss (and no, I won't discuss what we decided - that doesn't matter to anyone but us - and in fact, if it ever DOES come up, there's a good chance that we won't react/act the way we thought we would when we discussed it - but at least we have a plan in place, somewhere to start if it or something similar comes up - consider it disaster planning).

From the first few lines of your post I assumed that - A ~ there were several people sitting around the lunch table discussing this and B ~ The cheater wasn't one of them...so I can understand how some people would also think MORE KNEW about the cheating.

I think the cheater should tell her spouse and suffer the consequences...maybe the marriage can be saved maybe not...but I don't think that is her choice now...she gave that up.

Agreed. Truth is better because it comes out eventually in some way, shape, or form. It is more hurtful to be lied to.

However, regaining the trust will be a ***** and maybe impossible. Both will need counseling if that's going to happen.

Here's a different thought for you...IF it is as you say, where the one who cheated has atoned, is going through counselling, and will never do this again, and the number of people who know is limited, I personally see NO POINT in confessing to the SO.

What the cheater did is not right. I would not nor have ever done the same. But I think that in this instance the cheater would only be hurting the relationship and has taken full responsibility for his/her actions. This isn't a habitual thing, and if the SO DOES find out, it will hurt just as much. But they may find out down the road enough for it to be an old wound and not a fresh wound.

There is a great story about George Burns who after his wife passed related the story about how he cheated once during his marriage after he argued with her over an expensive centerpiece. He felt so terrible he went out and bought Gracie the centerpiece, but told his friend Jack Benny about it over the phone. He never told her about his indiscretion. And she never told him that she knew about his indiscretion. But a few years later, he found out that Gracie had told a friend about the episode, and said that she wished George would cheat again because she really wanted a new centerpiece.

Not every indiscretion has to be a huge tragedy and a springboard for marital disharmony. Your cheater friend has atoned, repented, and sought counselling. I wish him/her well, and hope that with time, things will get better. I think telling the truth isn't always the best policy.

I thought this too as from the posts following it seemed like there were more people and there was a "debate" among them. We shouldn't have to ask to clarify if we think the OP is clarifying the information anyhow, which is what I thought.

I also agree that the cheater should tell the spouse and she gave up that choice. Even when I made my mistake the only two things on my mind were 1) I have hurt and betrayed the trust and love of my boyfriend. and 2) I have to tell him and accept the consequences. At the end of the day it is HIS choice not mine. I could make him be in a relationship with me based on such a lie and that to me is completely disrespectful of him, his feelings, and his love.

Now when I did fess up he said "well you didn't do a, b, and c, but I'm hurt and disappointed that you got so emotionally close to another man." He also knew that I was self destructive at the time, I am not now, and that was out of my character to do anything like that. So, he gave me a second chance and years later we are great. The point is, I agree I gave up my choice because it isn't about ME. My suffering, my remorse, yadda yadda...it is about my partner, not me. We came together as a couple after that and moved on, but I do think had I done something more in-depth then he may have decided to go his separate way. But again, that would have and is his decision. I think it is interesting though that I didn't go to a friend or fuss over it. I pretty much went straight to my boyfriend and told him. Period. Another tid-bit I did know a guy years ago who cheated as in actually slept with another woman (he had told me of the affair as the reason his wife and he were separating), he went and told his wife right away. No ifs ands or buts, and they did separate for a time, but I believe they worked it out, at the time that I knew them they had reconciled.

To me "now or later" or her remorse and suffering is just skirting around the issue. I think what EZMONEY said is right on. Of course I think kaplods had an excellent point about the friendship. That is something to consider and take to heart. Friendships can break down fast if a destructive or negative secret there.

To strictly answer your question, I would find it hugely more painful to find out later. To have had my right to make my choice in the matter taken away from me. To have lived a lie. To have been manipulated.

I could not agree with you more.

I love the George Burns story - classic!

My sister was actually the one cheated on in a situation like this. Her boyfriend at the time had cheated on her very early in the relationship, before they were really serious. It only happened once. And she didn't find out until over a year later. She said that even though she knew it was a long time ago and wanted to just get over it and put it in the past, when she found out, it FELT like he'd just done it.

The partner of the cheater has the right to know...then decide if they want to be in a relationship with one who has cheated.Faithfulness is very important to certain people.To some, cheating is a dealbreaker.Hiding it is very unfair....you choose the behavior....you choose the consequence.And yes that might just be a divorce.