Amy – What you said about your boyfriend reminded me of my Latin teacher in high school. I had the coolest Latin teacher – he is a super genius and a totally dedicated teacher. Around my junior year he had a baby that had a major health issue (I can’t remember what it is now, but it was very serious). He almost gave up teaching because he didn’t feel like he could devote enough time to preparation for his classes with so much of his attention needed for his family. I couldn’t believe it – he was more prepared than any other teacher in the school by far. Even at a diminished level he would still be way more prepared. I implored him to stay because even at his worst he was a much better teacher than most, and we all understood and could cut him some slack because obviously his family came first. He ended up staying and is still teaching Latin at my old HS. (ok Nancy, get to the point) From what you have said, Nat seems to be the same way. He is so contentious of wanting to do his very best that he doesn’t realize that him at his not best is way better than other people at their best. I can’t tell you how to get that through to him – it is a tough situation. It is very cool that he wants to be perfect for you, but the truth is none of us will ever be perfect and even so – it could be really fun for you to be on the weight loss journey together.

Michelle – I am no treadmill expert, but being fairly close (and hopefully soon you will be closer!) to 300 pounds you should be OK on that treadmill. They usually put weights on them that are conservative so there should be some wiggle room.

Kayley – still waiting on those pictures! Or do I have to join myspace to see them?

Jill – I am going through the same thing with friends. That is one of the reasons that my assistant leaving has hit me so hard. She was the first person I have met in awhile that I really felt I could be friends with, and now it feels like she will be moving on and I won’t get the chance. I know it shouldn’t, but I still feel like my size holds me back. It is bad enough explaining to my BF why I can’t so such and such (sit in that booth, walk that distance, etc.), but to have to explain it to a friend – it feels so tough. There are times when I wish I was single again, but then I think of all the other things that I gain by being with my BF. In some ways it feels like a case of the grass being greener. . .

Mindy – Glad you are feeling better. That is so tough having to pick up and move so often.

Julee – I am a complete sports illiterate. Glad that your team won and that you had fun watching the game. I haven’t been to a sedar in years. My Dad stopped doing them awhile back and I don’t want to go to my cousin’s house (that family is crazy).

Toofatforu2 – Congrats on getting in that exercise! Maybe you want to join us on the exercise thread and add your time to the group – it is very inspiring!

Sharon – Glad to hear you weather is getting warmer. We had a tease here and now it is back to being cold again. There is actually a chance of snow tonight! Yuck. I want Spring now!

Kirsikka – That is such fabulous news! That doctor sounds fantastic. That is right on! You deserve to treat yourself well just for you – not because you perform some task. I love it. Making yourself happy will give you the energy to do the things you need to do, not do the things you need to do so you can reward yourself then feel happy.

After writing this I am feeling better. Good thing too because I am doing a favor for a past employer and screening a candidate for them via phone this afternoon. Part of my mood is also probably because it is my TOM (or should I say TOQ since I started Seasonale). Anyway – back to work. Hope everyone is having a good day.

Passover is such a trip. I made a decision last year that I could not survivve without soy, so I made those modifications. I eat the bare minimum of matzah at the 2 seders...no more buying the 5-lb boxes...or the Barton's candy or any of it. I just stick to chicken, fish and veggies for 8 days and it works. It also is a means of saving money because I don't go out to eat at all then or go out for coffee. Jason and I are having our seders with friends of mine. His mom stopped doing them because with her working full time it's just too hard. We'll get together with his family over the weekend I'm sure. I would love to think about preparing a seder next year once we have our own place...who knows.

I hate this rain...it really mucks everything up.

Have a happier day all...

Posted some pictures on a pictures page

kirsikka - I am glad you have found a doctor who is listening to you and helping you to feel better. I laughed at your story about giving the candy a ride. At least you do put it back before you buy it and eat it!

Nancy - Glad you are feeling better. I sympathize with you on loosing a good employee and someone you felt you were bonding with. I hope you find a replacement who is just as good!

Julee - Holidays sure are a pain when it comes to dieting, aren't they? Sounds like you have a plan for dealing with it though.


Sorry everyone for my earlier whine. I really want to get my focus back. Eating doesn't solve anything. In fact, it just creates more problems. It's just sometimes in that MOMENT when I have to make the decision to binge or not binge I just cannot think of anything else to do that will make me feel better. Suggestions anyone???

Also, I am thinking of tracking my food on Fitday. I think some of you are doing this or something like it. Does it help you? Thanks for your input.


15 minutes to American Idol!!!!! Yes I am too old for it, but I'm addicted anyway. In fact, 2 summers ago a girlfriend and I toured several cities in Europe, one of them being London. Of course we went to Madam Toussaud's and to my delight they had was figure of Simon. And, of course, I had to have my picture taken with him. I should post it sometime. It was 2 years and about 120 pounds ago. **sigh**

PS
I just found my old Fitday account. I set it up months ago and then never did anything with it. Tomorrow I start tracking my food there! If I make it public for the world to see maybe I will think twice before bingeing again!

Xena -- What helps me not binge?? I swear, sometimes I just tell myself that *I* am the boss, not the food, and that I will eat it when *I* am in control.

When I want to binge because I am mad, exercising and allowing myself to yell and scream as I listen to music helps...

I hope you like fitday. I use nutridiary and have really learned a lot about how to eat healthier! I thought I would hate logging everything, but I love it!

Nancy -- Sorry to hear about the loss of your assistant. Tough blow!

I set my next mini-goal at 199. Me? In the 100s?? Far as I recall, that hasn't happened since around 1990, and it was a brief foray. Other than that, last time I remember seeing the 100s was sopomore or junior year in college -- 20 years ago.

I'm starting to believe on one level that getting to the 100s might actually be possible, if I just keep doing what I'm doing. But on the other hand, I don't believe it at all, and am strangely terrified. Getting to this point was at least going back to the somewhat familiar. I spent much of my 20s hovering around 220... but below this? It's practically unknown territory...

And below this there's no more shopping in the closet. I think we just uncovered the last box of old clothes (that was somehow missed during a purge a couple of years ago).

hey all. just wanted to share a BIG NSV! i got a job... at BALLY TOTAL FITNESS!! lol i will be in the customer service center. its a national call center. fun times. the greatest part is i get benefits from DAY ONE and after training then i get a gym membership too. and i get to make my own schedule. how awesome is that? im super excited. i start thursday. YAY!!

Congtratulations Princesspuffypants On Your New Job,,, It Sounds Great,,,,,

Hello Ladies,

Well, I've spent about an hour catching up on all y'all have been saying. And, I was prepared to start personal responses and then realized that I only have half hour before my buddy and I go to dinner.

I had a small victory yesterday. I needed to go to the market last night after work and was terribly afraid of going inside. I was feeling sad and emotionally empty and I was afraid I'd buy a bunch of binge foods. I called a friend to see if she'd come shopping with me - she'd be good at holding me accountable. Unfortunately, she could not and neither could any of my other buddies. So, I parked outside the store and made myself a deal: I was going to get only the things on my list (eggs, fruit, veggies, raviolis, pasta sauce, soy milk and other staples) and if I was good about only putting healthy food in my basket, I could have one solid treat and one liquid treat - as long as they were SINGLE serving size.

I walked out of there with all the things I needed plus one small Odwalla lemonade and one small bag of cinnamon-flavored rice cakes. Now, I could have bought a coke and a donut instead, but you know what, I didn't EVEN THINK OF IT. When I looked around for my treat, the things I bought were the things I wanted - both of them treats of the healthier variety.

So, last night, I went to bed thinking about this and about the things I'm learning about having a healthier relationship with my self, my body, and with food. I think the most important things are 1. not obssessing about my weight and 2. not being on a diet.

1. My weight will fluctuate, up and down by a pound or two no matter what I do. Still, I weigh myself every morning just to make sure I'm moving in the right direction. The trick is really to notice the weight instead of obsessing about it - detached awareness, like the Buddhists practice.

After all, what I weigh is NOT indicative of how much I'm worth as a person. And, really, it's not weight I want to lose, but inches and fat and bad eating habits and lethargy and sore joints and self-hatred and my old habit of running to food when what I need is comfort. None of those things are measured by a number on the scale. So instead of focusing on my weight, I'm focusing on having a healthy life. I focus on getting my workouts in, on getting enough sleep every night, on taking my meds and supplements with regularity, and on not being on a diet.

Of course, I have to remind myself of this fact with obstinate consistency. :::: grin :::: Cuz of course, I'm human, and I am prone to sometimes misplacing my perspective.

2. I am not on a diet. I really am not. Every time in my life I have tried to be on a diet it leads to more binging. I had a horrible childhood and teenage years where the ONLY attention I got from my parents was about a) what i was eating; and, b) how fat I was. My father was particularly degrading and abusive - on a daily basis. It took me 12 years in therapy to be able to get rid of the majority of his voice in my head. I'm still struggling with it, but it doesn't rule my life anymore. It's so complicated to explain, and I don't fully understand why, but being on a diet feels like punishment.

Instead of "dieting," I make "healthy choices." Sure, I can go out and have a hot dog, but I don't. Not because I CAN'T, but because I know it is not good for me. So, when I want a donut, I make myself a pb & honey sandwich on whole wheat, because it's healthier. And, when I want eggs for breakfast I stay home instead of eating out because when I cook I can use a wee bit of olive oil instead of the grease or butter used in restaurants; I substitute one egg with egg beaters (or egg whites) and add sauteed onions, tomatoes and green peppers for a healthier choice.

So, for me, when I'm in a stable emotional place, eating healthy is easy. My particular stuggle is not only to the food I eat but the REASON why I eat. Like I said in a previous post, I can totally have a 3-day binge that starts with me compulsively eating healthy food for hours. For me, the demon is not about what I put in my body buy why. And for me, it's about not filling myself up with food when I feel sad or perpetually lonely.

So, that is my lesson for yesterday, and today, and tomorrow: to keep focusing on making healthy choices and adding movement every day. With awareness and perseverance, topped with a whole dollop of patience, I will get the numbers on the scale to keep moving in the downward direction.

I wish you all the best tonite. And please know that even when I don't post daily, I read everyone's post daily and I do so with respect and admiration for all your hard work and the stuggles we share. I feel heard here, and understood. And that is an incredible gift y'all give me.

Not up to personals tonight. Just got home from work and found out that they are aborting my lil sis's baby as we speak. She was induced and will have to deliver naturally. This even saddens me more. For any of you that missed a previous post, it is because of a brain deformity. She was almost 5 months pregnant.

Had an OK night at work until now so I think I will curl up on the couch, say a prayer and numb myself with some American Idol. Maybe even some brocolli and dip for a bit of a treat. Wish I had some chocolate but happy that there isnt any in the house.

I'll be back tomorrow with a better outlook on life. Tonight sucks

Brenda

Dogpal--Thanks for your support. I hope so, too. I'm trying to get him into WW and he seems to like the program. I told him I'd go w/him to the 1st meeting so he could get his materials and stuff. Hopefully we can do that this weekend or something.

Michelle--I wouldnt worry about breaking a treadmill. I weigh more than you do and I used to use the treadmills at the gym all the time. I just wouldnt use it on like an incline setting or anything till you get below 300 lbs. Sorry about the 5 lb gain, but I'm sure you are right about it being related to TOM. Dang that guy TOM!!

Kayley--I appreciate you relating me to on the lonely thing. At least I know now that I am not completely crazy! I love reading people's blogs! I accepted you as a friend so you better put me on your list, girl! I am a blog-writing fool sometimes, and mine are just restricted to my friends list, so now that you're a friend you can see 'em anytime you want. If you want. I looked at your pictures are your man is a lil cutie for real!! *whistles*! Thanks for your support on the decisions I have ahead of me. I plan to raise the issue w/Nat this weekend so we'll see what he thinks. We're going to St Louis, MO for our vacation, BTW. Your concert sounds like a BLAST!! I am so glad you had such a good time! That is sweet that you were so close the stage and got to be so close the rockers. Yay rock show! Oh, and your English prof sounds like a real piece of work! What a moron!

Jill--I'm glad to hear you are feeling better. That time in the morning can really make a lot of difference, as you are finding out. I'm glad you are able to explain your feelings to him, even if after the fact. Guys dont really seem to like formal "talks"; I feel like they can understand better if you are talking about something that has recently happened, etc. He sounds like a good guy. And I am totally feeling you on the "no friends" bit. It can be difficult. We are always here for you though, so at least that's something!

Mindy--You're getting close to that June 1st goal of yours, missy! Yahoooo! You'll make it! I'm sorry you were so sick, ug! 5 days off plan isnt too bad--at least you are getting back on the horse. Good luck w/moving, it can be a bear! And dont worry about not keeping up, it can be a challenge after you miss a few threads. No worries!

Nancy--I'm so sorry your assistant is leaving! Ug! That sounds like a nightmare, interviewing, etc. I wish I were closer--I'd totally take the job (of course there's always that little thing to consider--you'd have to be willing to hire me! ). That must be difficult, balancing your joy for her that she is getting a job she wants, but also being sad and frustrated about her leaving and having to get a new employee, etc. I hope everything goes ok. I completely understand what you are saying about your teacher. That is exactly the way I feel about Nat! I just wish he could see what I see, just like you wanted your teacher to see what you see.

Julee--That is GREAT about your team! Wooo hooo!! Your shirt will be awesome, no matter when you get it. Sounds like you did ok eating at the bar. Bar food is notoriously bad for you, but it sounds like you made some good choices, with the no mayo and all. Hey, what's passover? I mean, I know its a holiday, but what does it mean when its passover? What do you do, or what type of holiday is it?

Xena--I'm glad to hear your accountant had good news for you. But I can certainly relate on it "never being enough". I am in the same position as you--poor family, worked for what I have, proffession I hate, etc. I sock as much away in my 401k as possible so I wont be indigent when I retire. That scares me the most. I'm sorry about the binge. There again--its never enough. I feel like that when it comes to food a lot, too. Before I started my plan, I'd dish up a plate of food and think "that's not going to be enough" even though I had like 2 servings on my plate already, and I'd pile on more. And then of course I'd eat the whole thing. Ug. Its a vicious cycle. I am a complete emotional eater, too. I know counseling is always suggested by people, but maybe that would help you, just to have someone to talk to and voice your concerns. I know I always feel better after a nice long rant. Also, I would suggest not avoiding your weigh-ins. I know after I had those 4days off plan and realized I had gained 4 lbs because ot if, it has really deterred me from going off plan again!

toofatformenoway!-- Hi! I changed your name a little. I havent seen you post before so I didnt know if you are new or just havent posted in a while. Either way, nice to make your aquaintance! Bravo on the excercise today!

Sharon--Glad to hear you had a pretty decent day!

kirsikka--I am SO glad that you had a good day! Find the right person to talk to can make all the difference. It sounds like the lady you had before was a real clod. This guy sounds like he really cares and want to help you. I think he made some good suggestions (coming my from my non-psychiatrist self ). I'm glad you realized that you need to take time for you. Doing things you love will really get your sense of "self" back so you can reclaim your life from that spirit-sniping depression! Here's to more good days in the future! I'll be sure to check out your pics on the pics thread, too!

wyllenn--I havent seen the 100s since...um...junior high? You can DO it! You've come so far and that is so awesome! And you will totally dig shopping for new clothes once you need to! That is something I cant wait to do! Dont be terrified--that weight should be terrified of YOU because you're going to LOSE it!!

Luan--GOOD WORK on getting the new job! That is awesome! What will you be doing at your new job? Benefits from day 1?!? That is great! I'm proud of you!

MariaLucia--I'm so happy for you that you are coming to grips with these struggles. Seeing the reason for certain actions we take is certainly a step in the right direction of changing them. I am so proud of you for doing the things you need to be healthy. And for choosing the Odwalla drink and rice cakes instead of the Coke and donut. Evil donuts and Coke, why must they be so delicious?!? I think letting yourself have two treats is a great idea. And when it came down to it, they werent binge foods. They were healthy choices. And that's what it all comes down to, choice. Food doesnt control you. Donuts and Coke aint gots nutin' on you, girl! Its so crazy how food can seem to overpower us sometimes. Its just food. It cant talk. It cant make you eat it. But the way we feel sometimes just makes shoving it in our mouths the most sane thing we feel we care capable of doing at the time. And that's where analyzing the issues behind that becomes so important.


As for me, today was pretty good. I'm feeling better emotionally, thank goodness. I had 7 Points left after dinner, I can hardly believe it! Last night I had 4 Points left that I didnt use at all, I got too busy posting on here and then it was time for bed! Thanks guys! Anyway, I started getting hungry just now so I'm having a bowl of cereal. Probably not the best thing, but it is low-fat Chex cereal w/light soymilk and Splenda. Much better than my pre-diet nightly HUGE bowl of ice cream. Of course my cat Wilhelm is up in my face trying to get some! Geez! What a weirdo.

I weighed myself at Curves tonight. Monday is my usual weigh-in day but I missed yesterday so I weighed myself tonight, even though I just weighed for that contest thing on Saturday. I have gained 2 lbs. I dont understand it! Ug, that is so annoying! It could be anything though; water retention, the fact that I ate dinner right before and on Saturday I had only eaten an apple before weighing...the list goes on and on. Its just frustrating how it can fluctuate like that for no real reason, though! I've been on plan ever since I had those 4 days off plan last week, and I've been working out! UG! But I'm not really that upset about it, just irritated.

I'm going to Kansas City this weekend instead of Nat coming up here like usual. His family is going back to thier hometown for a visit, so he will have the house to himself for once. I'm excited. I really like Kansas City. They have a Fashion Bug by his house (he actually lives in Raytown, which is a suburb of KC), so I'm sure he'll have to be dragged there, as well. He's very good about the whole "shopping" thing, much better than other guys I've dated. He found a really cool craft store that sells things for really cheap, so he's going to take me there, too! I am also going to make sure we see some of the nightlife this time, too as the last few times I've been down there we've spent our evenings in the casino and not really went out. I like gambling, but I want to go to a club or bar or something, just to check it out. I am also a big karaoke singer too, or at least I try to be! There's a neighborhood in KC (if we can find it again ) that has a cute little Irish pub in it that we might hit, too.

Brenda--I'm so sorry for your family's loss. I'm not going to say anything else because there are just no words that can express it--not for me anyway. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Maria Lucia--First of all, for your trip to the store. I am so proud of you and I know how hard it was. I've been eating healthy since August and I still look longingly at the Snickers bars when I'm cashing out at the supermarket. I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say you're not on a diet you're eating healthy. If I tell myself that I can't have something then that is all that I want and I will not feel fulfilled until I have it. I may get sick after eating those Salt and Vinegar Lays potato chips, but if I want them then I have them. The funny thing is that NOW I actually realize that I'm in control of the food and it doesn't seem to have as big a hold over me anymore. I mostly follow a low-carb diet--but once in a while I eat potatoes or bread or french fries or tonight I had spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread--It's okay for me to have those high carb things once in a while because I go right back to eating low carb the next day. I feel so much better when I follow a low carb diet. But good for you. Also--have you tried the non-stick sprays? I use the Stop and Shop butter flavored spray when I cook my eggs and stuff. Very few calories and pretty inexpensive.

Like you, I weigh myself every day. It keeps me accountable to MYSELF about what I put in my mouth. If I don't like the numbers then I know it's my own fault for eating something that I know I didn't need or really want.

Luan--you'll have to tell me if there's a way that I can cancel my membership to Bally's--once you know all of the ins and outs that is. I've belonged for over 6 years and there isn't one close enough to me to make it worth my while anymore. I now go to Work Out World which is 5 minutes from my house.
I'm so happy for you though--free gym membership and making your own hours? Excellent. Not only will you be making some extra money, but you'll be saving some too since you won't have to pay for a gym now. YAY!

Wyllen--you have to reach 199 girlfriend--because I'm only 20 lbs. heavier than you are and you are somewhat of an inspiration to me. If you can do it then I know that I can too. And just think--you'll be able to buy brand new SMALLER clothes when you get there. Don't go crazy until you reach your goal weight, of course but it'll be so much more fun going into a real store to try some new things on. You DO like to shop, don't you?

Nancy--sorry to hear about your friend leaving. But--if she's really the type to be a friend then she'll keep in touch with you. Good luck with finding a replacement.

kirsikka--it sounds like your new therapist is excellent! I'm so glad for you. Your story about taking the candy for a ride made me LOL. I've done things like that too--only my candy had a different name--Lays Potato Chips. I love those freaking things. I won't buy them or Doritos anymore because I just can't stop eating them.

Jill and Julee--I sent you both requests through MySpace. If you get a picture of a little dog wearing jewelry then that's me. Actually it's my baby Simone wearing her bling but it's my account. Anyone else who has an account can go see my page and if you want to, send me a friend request telling me who you are. I have no personal pictures up, but I'll try to post some soon.

Well--that's everyone that I can see from here. I'm saying a big howdy to Dogpal--hope you're feeling better today--did you go to the WW meeting? Let us know. Xena--Sharon--toofatforu2-- Where are the others? Ammi? Garnet? Lilion? Catherine? Everyone--we miss you. Just come in and say hi--no need for individual replies--we just want to know how you're all doing.



Well I'm having a pretty good day today. My eating was good and when I weighed myself before I came up here the scale said 243.8. (Remember--I ate spaghetti for dinner.) That means it'll probably say 242 in the morning. I would love for it to say 241 or less, but I'm not going to count on it. I went to the gym this morning for ONLY 30 minutes again. So much is going on the past 2 days I haven't been able to get my normal workout in. I'm jonesing man. I never thought that I would say that about exercise. Well, I've got to go get some sleep. Talk to you all later.

Vicki

Amy: Passover commemorates the exodus of the Jews from Egypt. Plagues #10 was the slaying of the first born son (god likes to make a point sometimes) and the Jews were instructed to mark their homes with the blood of a lamb so that the angel of death would know to PASS OVER their homes. Following the 10 plagues and pharoah finally giving the ok to the ol' "let my people go" shtick...he changed his mind as the Jews were mid-trip. They were busy baking bread for the trip but when they realized that the Egyptians were hot on their heels, they knew their bread would not have time to rise and bake fully...so they took the unleavened cakes of bread with them..hence the matzah. So for 8 days we eat unleavened bread and other leaven-free products...and there is more to it, but that's the gyst.

I am also a HUGE karaoke chick..in fact after AI tonight I am off to the karaoke bar. I sing on Sundays and Tuesdays...sometimes on Fridays and every blue moon on a Monday or a Thursday. I have a good friend who owns a karaoke company and we go to the bars where her and her folks work.

I went looking for your profile tonight on MySpace but I couldn't find it. If you send me a message I will add you. Kayley and Vicki..I added you tonight!

Off to finish my latte and watch AI...ugh so not liking country week. I will be FURIOUS if Taylor goes out this week..his song bit, but he is amazing and this just isn't his genre...or Mandisa's or Paris's...etc.

KUDOS to all of you who have been making the tough food choices this week and finding yourself drawn to the healthier choices. It can be so tough...and sometimes the quick fix seems so attractive...but each of us is learning how to delay gratification and make it worth out while..and the calories!!!