I appreciate all the answers - in the end I will make up my own mind, depending, of course on what seems to be best for my childre, but I really wanted a little more insight, from both sides - so thank you!

Beverly - I know what you mean - that's a big fear of mine as well.

I personally got out of a bad relationship a year ago! The best thing I ever did for my 2yr. old son and I!I won't go into details about the relationship,but since he has been gone,there is peace,serenity,and love in this house again!
Blessed was I when I finally made that decision!
Wendy

I have such torn feelings over it - one divorced friend has told me that getting a divorce is the most painful thing ever - that it is devastating mentally and physically. But I think that probably depends on the situation. This friend got a divorce because one of them wanted children and the other did not, but they still loved each other. Did you feel devastated or relieved if you don't mind me asking?

I wouldnt stay for the kids. My parents did and it was **** on us.

I feel this is a very debatable topic. I can shows you a little insight on my life. I am 20 and my brother will soon be 18, and graduating this year. My father is an alcoholic and he has emotionally abused my mother for as long as i can remember. She stayed for us. Why I have no idea! She claims that above everything he was a good father...I do not understand how someone who drink all the time could be such a 'good' father (which I find quite ammusing). Needless to say she says this is the year of the sepearation. Basically I wish she left years ago, at least then we would not have had to listen to both of them fighting and screaming all the time. I do not view seperation as such a bad idea. Never stay for children if you are not absolutely happy.

I've been married for a few years now and I have to say, marriage is hard work sometimes! We have two children...the oldest is from a previous relationship of mine. I left him when my daughter was six months old because he was always up all night in the basement playing guitar, smoking pot and talking to his old girlfriend on the phone (his conversation was always heard loud and clear in my bedroom through the air ducts...idiot). The problem with us was from before I was pregnant...I was looking to settle down and he was interested in playing guitar, smoking pot and playing in bands. And talking to old girlfriends. I was just about to '86' him and we had one more good day and along came my daughter. I was so shocked that I was pregnant that I was in denial, thinking I had some dread disease and was going to die and the doctor told me I was PG....that's why I was so sick and missing my period.

Anyhow...I'm getting off track. I left my daughter's father because he refused to get a job because he was too tired after playing his gigs and smoking pot and talking to old girlfriends on the phone all night. I literally had to get a babysitter to watch my daughter while he was sleeping upstairs while I was at work. Could have forced him to get up and take care of her, but I wanted her to be taken care of, not put up with.

Anyhow...I considered this relationship to be, not so much abusive as much as neglectful? Totally wrong to begin with? I did not stay with him because of my daughter because I already had a child to take care of and I didn't want to have to 'take care' of him, too? Does that make sense? We didn't have one shred of a common goal to work with? We never got married...I was seeing how things went once the baby was born. I gave him every chance to get with it and come to life, but he didn't want to 'sell out' by getting a job. Haven't seen him since June 2000...no child support...no nothing...but I'm pretty sure he's still waiting for the soul of Jimi Hendrix to inhabit his body and become famous. And living under a bridge somewhere. Or with a group of other musicians in a dirty ashtray of an apartment with amps for coffee tables and guitar strings embedded in the carpet. ~shiver~ ...memories....bad, bad memories of my surreal life back then...

Anyhow...now that I'm married to a MAN ...I've told him that we can argue and have spats and disagreements and things like that, but the only reason I would ever leave him is if he gets violent or abusive to either me or the kids...or joins a band. OR talks to his old girlfriends on the phone in the basement. But if he has to smoke pot occasionally, that's okay. Not really, but worse things could happen. Anyhow.

If you want to get out of your marriage because you and/or your husband are bored or are looking elsewhere, then that is not a good reason to leave. You have to buckle in and remember that are not only a parent, but a grown up and need to leave a good example for your kids about sticking to a commitment. You need to work out your differences and rekindle something. Just my opinion. I get a real rash when I see kids being tossed back and forth between parents and living out of a suitcase. Both parents end up trying to make sure the kids are having a better time at their house and the kids end up spoiled (sometimes) or the other end when parents end up trying to regain their sense of self by going out all the time and the kids end up getting tossed to the back burner. It all becomes all about the parents, when they still have a job to do in raising some kids! If people tried to work it out more, they'd be setting a good example to their kids of how sometimes a relationship isn't all it's cracked up to be...things get old and the same old day seems to be being played over and over again and you get bored...but you made a commitment and you're overcoming your differences and making the best of the situation and you'll be showing your kid(s) how to turn it around and make it good again! Know what I mean?

BUT...on the other hand...if you are in an abusive or violent relationship...if drugs or alcohol are distorting things out of proportion or someone's been unfaithful and you can't get passed it...that sort of thing...you'd be setting an example to your kids that they don't have to put up with that sort of abuse when they get older, either! See, to me, it's all about showing your kids the right message. Once you have kids, putting yourself first is no longer an option...at least that's the way I see it. Everything you do in life has to be for the sake of your kids, in my opinion. What are you telling your kids by getting a divorce. ARe you showing them what they see in 95% of all Hollywood marriages?...you only get married until something better comes along? Or are you showing your kids that if you are getting beat up mentally or physically or abused in any way, shape or form...even financiallly...then you take your life back and kick that jerk to the curb! Even if he's your husband.

It all depends on why you want to split up if I agree with it. You can take my opinion or leave it. It's really up to you. Most of the divorces I know of ended because one or both of the people in the relationship got bored and cheated and I think this is terribly selfish to the kids in the marriage. I mean, these people are willing to upset their kids lives just so they can have variety?

It makes me think of the old Carly Simon song, Its the Stuff that Dreams are Made of...about a lady that was perpetually single and was telling a married woman friend that what she's bored with at home is what we, ultimately, are looking for in our dream relationship.

In short (sorry, I guess its too late for short!) if you want to leave because of:

Abuse = leave him
Boredom = try and work it out for the kids sake

Just my humble opinion. Hope everything works out for you and remember the one thing that would really make me thing twice...a visitation schedule to see your own kids. Having a court tell me that I'm not allowed to be with my kids on certain days of the week would make me completely mental. It would horrify me. Think long and hard...this is a bigger decision than the one you made to get married, I think!!

Good luck...Kris

I hope this isn't taken the wrong way, but I want to post part of ICMe's original post about her marriage that was in a different thread. I think people should see this statement before they tell you that you should stay married and "work on it"....

Part of her original post: "So, after almost 12 years of marriage, my husband finally admitted what I have been suspecting for years. He doesn't love me like a man should love a wife, and I am a dissappointment to him. I didn't turn out to be what he thought I would be. HOWEVER - I am still supposed to stay "for the kids". When I told him I planned to leave soon but would share custody with him, he said he didn't have the patience to take care of them and that they would rather be with me so he is not going to try to get custody of them and doesn't want 50/50 either. But he says I am being selfish for wanting to leave and I should just suck it up and find some hobbies and get over it and stay in the marriage for the kids. He b**ches at me every day about something and I always sense a seething anger underneath his calm exterior. He has been violent at tiimes in the past but not for the past 2 years."

I hope that clears up for some people why it may just be the right decision to walk away...

It is better for children to come from a broken home than to live in one.

Amen to that MaWhit!! I agree full heartedly!
Wendy

Thanks again friends. Just as an update, I haven't made a definite decision yet. I want to make sure whatever I do is the right thing. My husband is being very nice right now, but I am sure it is just temporary so I'm not getting my hopes up. I think he is just being nice so I will stay and I believe he meant what he said that first night. I think indeed, it seems to be "cheaper to keep her."

Thanks everyone, for caring

Sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing.........it is not easy.......this life we are living.

Hang in there!

Liz

For me...and this probably seems heartless and it's just how I see it...but the kids didn't have anything to do with why I wanted a divorce, why would I use them as a reason to not get a divorce? My point is you almost have to leave them out of it.

I don't know your situation and I don't know what you mean by he's being nice right now BUT kids see everything and they know more than we give them credit for.

In my situation, I finally decided I didn't want my son to think acting like his father was okay and I didn't want my daughters to think it was okay to be treated like I was being treated. I wasn't abused - I just wasn't respected like you should respect your spouse. My ex made comments like "cheaper to keep her" and that was one of the nicer things he said.

I hope I wasn't to blunt and I hope you find peace very soon. Keep your chin up and stay strong.

The following thought is based on the assumption that both people are decent. So often we set up various things in our lives as only have 2 choices. For example, stay in a miserable marriage or leave. Our minds start tracking that those are the only 2 options. It may be that there are other choices available.

I second the person who suggested you go to the "R" camp. I say "R" because I don't know how to spell it (not because I've been there). Marriage enrichment camps give you tools to talk to each other. It does sound like from the "suck it up comment" that he isn't listening. You can ask for therapy (but sometimes men have issues with that). If not tell him you want a retreat for the two of you. He'll probably go to that. ALL marriages have bumps. Sometimes they can be worked out, sometimes they can't. The key is to try. If he is willing to go, that's a concession to try. If not, don't feel guilty for cutting your losses.

As for the violent part, if he is physically violent..LEAVE. PERIOD. You don't teach your kids that is acceptable.