Thanks for the deescalation technique recommendations, Liana!

I don't know if tracking/counting calories can be for me over the long term. I think I'm scrapping it again for now. I might be just making a decision to be 10 lbs overweight rather than stress myself out like that.

But, this can still come in handy for avoiding binging on food or drink to deal with feelings, which is still important to me.

I have tracked all my calories for years, sometimes they are BIG numbers. Sometimes I think seeing the big ones help me not binge, sometimes I want to throw my phone through the window.

Shannon, you made me chuckle with your phone out the window comment!

I'm working on finding a workout plan that will work for me, not because I think it will help my waistline, but because I need it for cardiovascular health.

Food and drink has been so-so. More alcohol lately. Nothing too crazy, but that's a lot of empty calories and it's too much for someone my size.

Oh no, I had such an insightful breakthrough last night, and posted all about it here, and poof! It didn't upload and it didn't get posted!!!! DANG!!!!

The basics: the transition from leisure to bedtime is really challenging for me. It makes me anxious and is a trigger for me to over-eat and over-drink, leading to unhealthy weight gain and reinforced unhealthy coping. Boo!

So,I'm back in that moment tonight. Time for tea, water, and recognition that food and drink won't make my night better. More later, but for now, time to go to bed, even if it feels uncomfortable.

I did have a before bed snack last night, but it was more appropriate to the situation (dinner was very light earlier). It wasn't a healthy choice, just corn tortillas with cheese, but it also wasn't huge. I did recognize the drive to stretch out going to bed time, but I was so exhausted (insomnia Sunday night) that it didn't take much to convince me to head to bed.

I'm liking this new acknowledgement about the transition discomfort. So far, it's been really helpful.

I struggle with too many alcohol drinks, too. Not from a drinking problem standpoint, but even one cocktail a night is too much sugar and alcohol for my size when I'm trying to lose. When I'm maintaining at a god place I can usually handle it, but I just can't lose that way.

I like Nia Shanks workout programs, many of them can be done at home with just a few dumbbells.

Shannon, I love my alcohol so much, and I'm basically maintaining with my current intake. That said, alcohol may be causing more problems for me than just the calories right now. Although my husband doesn't feel it's become a problem, I do have a drive to binge drink, which has me worried. Basically, I have a love-hate relationship with alcohol that has become more of a central factor in my life as I've gotten more "into" it (I've started collecting some booze, have developed some friendships with some micro-distillers, and alcohol is what we talk about etc). I'm clearly playing with fire, here, but it hasn't gotten to the point that I'm ready to do anything about it yet.

I've had a rough couple days. Poor sleep and obsessive thinking. Not sure which is the chicken and which is the egg, if you know what I mean. I had a depressed appetite yesterday, which has only happened to me one other time in my life that I know of, and it came with similar though patterns. This was back in May, I think.

Today I have a follow up about my skin infection (hence the antibiotic) and I will talk with the MD about this. My spidey sense tells me that it is hormonal, maybe perimenopause stuff. But, I really don't want it to keep happening. Main manifestation is obsession on a romantic interest and loss of interest in my normal activities, including my family and work. It is totally outside my value system and feels really uncomfortable. I got a good night's sleep last night, nearly 8 hrs, and I felt a little more grounded and connected in bed as I fell asleep last night. I skipped the antibiotic before bed since I think the MD is going to switch me anyways, and I knew I needed sleep. The obsession is there still this morning, but it feels a little more like background noise than it has in the past. I can remember how good it feels to just be happy with the life I have now. That's good.

I'm not used to feeling this fragile. I hope it's completely over soon. I worry that I might make a bad decision at work or something. So far, no close calls. I was able to work yesterday without too much trouble after about the 1st hour.

Shannon, I have never been successful at sticking to a home regimen for any length of time. This place is just too small and full of other people's energy and other things to do. Maybe I'll go to the gym and register today...or maybe I'll email them about fees. They are really inconsistent, so I think I have a chance of getting a better deal if I do some negotiating.

Goal for today: Think about someone else instead of myself, as much as possible. Try to make life better for a few people.

I loved alcohol too. Totally! For a long time, I felt it was something that enhanced my life. But after awhile, it seemed like the point of everything I did was about the alcohol. Who wanted to go to a restaurant where they did not serve alcohol? Are you kidding? Soon all my friends were drinkers, too. Who wanted friends who didn't drink? What was their problem?

I also developed obsessions with romantic interests. Unfortunately alcohol helped me to act out on those obsessions. I wrecked my primary relationship, which had lasted 15 years, but I still kept drinking. I drank any time of the day--morning to night. I always had a buzz on. And I thought nobody knew.

Eventually I saw the writing on the wall and realized I had to stop.

I'm sorry to say that eliminating alcohol did not solve my weight problems! But it solved a whole bunch of other problems and prevented many more.

JayEll, thanks for your open post! I'll respond more appropriately later. This is just a quickie....

So, in that liminal place...time for transition, and I hate it! Tonight, watching a movie I've seen more times than I need to, with my son (age 10). It's movie night, and I really don't enjoy movie night. Definitely feel the pull to more food, more drink, things I'm not even in the mood for, to help me transition.

Instead, I will make some tea, and I will do some crafts while we watch.

Helps to post.

I can related to some of this. I mean, I LOVE it. I really, really do. And I can see that I love it, not socially, but for the drug effect. It just freaking works for me.

This obsession with romantic interests is particularly disturbing. It is really uncomfortable and makes me feel crazy. How many times have I said "I wouldn't go back to being single for a million dollars". How uncomfortable it was to want a romantic relationship and try to find that, etc etc. And here I am...obsessing over, first the Hollywood actor (WHAT?!?!?! I'm not a freaking teenager!) and then over my new friend, who shares some niche hobby interests of mine. I am determined not to wreck my family and marriage. So, I'm being really honest with my husband about what's going on for me, and he's pretty chill, I think. But I definitely feel some guilt and shame anyways, I can feel myself not meeting his eyes, etc when I talk about it.

My alcohol use doesn't look like yours did. No alcohol early in the day, no secret drinking. But that doesn't mean it's not a problem, I know that.



Hahaha!!! I had to stop drinking for 12 weeks to take a medication last winter, and I fully expected to have lost weight after that. Nope, didn't happen. That was disappointment!

I appreciate you sharing your story with me. As for me, I'm appreciating the venue to process all this. "We are only as sick as our secrets", right?

What a good thread. I love the honesty. I think I could have easily been an alcoholic as I drank like a champ in my 20s, but once I had children, I went the over-eating route instead so I could function. Even now I only drink on vacations and it's more than a little embarrassing getting loaded on only 3 drinks. One time I literally passed out by a swimming pool in Florida. My daughter-in-law had to babysit me so I wouldn't roast in the sun. Sigh. Life is hard and sometimes we need crutches. If we're at least aware it's an issue, we aren't 100% so far gone that we can't do anything about it. We are only as sick as our secrets ... soooooo true!

Aaaaannnnnndddd....I had a beer and a little whiskey, and a cheesy tortilla with mushrooms. And it's time for bed. And all is well, except I want to eat like 7 more tortillas with cheese and mushrooms. Seriously. This is where the rubber meets the road. Transition time, with alcohol on board, is not pretty. Let's go. Bed. Now. Go.

Anxiety and obessive thinking driving me crazy at this point. I am trying to do a declutter job, but I'm feeling paralysed. Whhhhaaaaaa!!!!

I got over it, and went out with friends to play cards. He a beer. Came home, had food and a cocktail. Now, again, so so so anxious. Or is it tired? Uncomfortable for sure, but otherwise, not really sure what I'm feeling or why it's so miserable.

Tempted to go take a bath to chill out, but feel bad leaving family. They are watching a movie. I guess WE are watching a movie. It's almost over, happily. Why Why Why do I feel this way????

I'll be fine, just letting off steam. I'll go drink some water and see if I can get involved in something else that isn't addictive or destructive.

The obsessive thoughts are still bothering me, but they are more background than before. That's nice, I guess. I'm having a hard time getting my head in the present, though. Future tripping hard-vacation planning, romantic obsession, and obsession about my obsessions. Yuck! Ready for this phase to end. I haven't been planning for lunches like I should either. I am in the "squeeze every last drop of leisure/laziness out of my time possible, to the point that I'm unprepared, late, unsuccessful" mode. Not great! Breakfast was healthy. I have a plan for lunch but no time to make it, so I guess not...And I'm still on the computer.

Goal today: Do 3 things for others. (Extra points for anonymous service)