I just shoveled sn*w for 40 minutes well at least it counts as my exercise for the day! and I'm glad that physically I can do it.
hope everyone has a great day

Hello,

I'm not sure if anyone recalls, but I used to post in this thread earlier this year. I have been going through a pretty bad depression for quite some time and it has been worse this year than it has ever been. So I just kept to myself I always worry about dragging others down and feeling like my problems aren't "bad enough" to share with anyone in the world.

I'm really wanting to get better and really struggling. I hope its ok that I rejoin the group.
Tomorrow I go see my doctor to get a prescription that I rejected earlier this year. I didn't think I needed it and felt on and off that I wasn't really depressed.

Anyway I'm now thinking that is the way forward for me. I've meditated and journaled and tried distracting activities and things are still worse than ever. My brighter moments are dimmer than ever.

Some facts about me - I am married to a wonderful, supportive man. We do not have children. I'm currently working a very stressful job that can be somewhat toxic at times. I'm trying to balance my feelings regarding this with the fact that I've been having really obsessive thoughts. So maybe it's not as bad as I think ? Nonetheless I started job searching a couple of months ago and then stopped. I don't feel great about myself so it is hard to sell myself. I am also a long term weight maintainer who has now packed on 30 pounds this summer Nothing fits except a few new pieces and I feel awful

Right now I'm having a hard time planning for the holidays. I'm a huge introvert and simply do not do visiting tons of people and travelling from here to there during the holidays. It's come to light from the one family member on my side that I would visit that she didn't like our visits and that she wanted to take a break from it. I was OK at the time. A little puzzled since we are very relaxed people when it comes to the holidays ad would visit for 3 hours tops, at the day and time of her convenience. Driving through bad weather for quite a distance with presents in hands and smiles on our faces. But last night I got all these obsessive thoughts reflecting back on the conversation. I felt hurt because I mostly visited her out of obligation (like I said I am a huge introvert and would prefer to stay home) and now I'm being told that my visits are stressful. But yes please bring your presents on Boxing Day, apparently. Which isn't going to happen. We have two days to play around with and my husbands family is meeting then. By process of elimination she won't be getting a Christmas visit by choice. I am perfectly happy not going anywhere for the holidays. I've done it in the past at her request. There were other things too that I rumenated about last night from this very conversation that took place weeks ago and that initially I was fine with. I am definitely feeling a little crazy today and hope that my encounter with my doctor goes well.

CinnamonHearts!! I totally remember you, like back in May? oh PLEASE don't think that you don't qualify to visit here! you won't be bringing us down, nor will you be upsetting us if you're having a good day..we are here for you!!

that being said, I myself think that the relative was kinda rude to you!! booo to her.

I hope your visit to the doctor tomorrow is helpful!

Thank you for your kind words I was only able to get an appointment tomorrow. However I guess it is a step in the right direction. I know it takes time to kick in but I hope it helps me so I'm able to heal. I read recently in a book by a clinical psychologist that sometimes taking SSRI's even for a couple of months help the brain so it can heal.

Thanks for validating my feelings regarding my family member. Often I deel guilty or like I'm bad for having persistent negative thoughts.

We are a pretty fractured family due to extreme physical and psychological abuse us kids experienced. I'm pretty low/no contact with them because they live a very enmeshed lifestyle and it's the only way I've been able to live a healthy life.

It seemed important to this family member that we visit for a few hours each Christmas Day so we have always set aside that time for her.

I'm not sure why the whole conversation has come back to haunt me. I guess a few things dawned on me upon further reflection and it upset me that basically I was good enough to provide gifts and travel, but the family member wanted me to do it on a day that wouldn't ruin her Christmas.

That said I think I'm going to start meditating a few minutes each morning and night. I recall this was really soothing. I'm getting a haircut in a couple days. This has been a nice routine lately...getting a nice professional cut or trim every few months. I've also been planning my husband's Christmas gifts and am getting excited at what I have been able to come up with. Usually it's a little difficult because we typically get what we want during the year (within reason).

I think to counter my Christmas blues I'll try to come up with a few fun things for us. I'm so grateful for my husband. I feel so blessed and never felt unconditional love before him

I am about ready to cry!!! I came here a week ago and started personals. Hit one button that deleted most of my post and I had to log out. Then, I just came back and typed an incredibly long post with personals and all that's been happening with me, and when I went to preview my post, the freakin' screen went blank and I couldn't get my post back! I know I should write my post out in a Word document first to save it, but it seems like a hassle. But this pisses me off!!!

I am SO sorry that I've been MIA for SO very long! I am okay, but I am somewhat lost with what all of you are up to. I am just too tired to try to post again. Please know that I am thinking of you all and wishing you well. Sending big hugs out to the group!

Has anyone heard from Jessica anywhere on the site since the hurricane in Texas?!? I hope and pray that she is okay!!!

I feel awful tonight. I don't know if my blood sugar is low?? Maybe high?? My head kinda hurts. I feel nauseous.

I'm going to try to get myself a glucose meter tomorrow. I get paid on the 3rd.


I put chicken drumsticks in the oven, the whole house smells of chicken. Oh lord almighty. *turning green*

I had to open the sliding glass doors. GEEZ

Sorry for not coming back to check in, after stopping by to whinge. I think doing a thirty day reset of some sort is probably a good idea...but feels impossible now it's December. I'm feeling quite pathetic and lonely this year, and food is pretty much the only satisfaction in my life at the moment....which is extra pathetic, lol. Of course, it's not really that satisfying anyway.

I had a pretty good week this week...except today...many cokes, candy, cheese, chips...bleh.